Wall. White, cold, pale. Wall.

What am I doing? This is retarded. No, I’m not writing poetry. I’m just looking at the wall of my living room. Seriously. That’s all I’m doing.

Wall, window, blue, rain. Cold, pale, dark, wall.

“Kibum, what are you doing?”

“Seeing, looking.” I said dryly.

“I see that – why though?” I clued in that it was Minho who was standing behind me. I didn’t turn to look at him, I’m positive that my wall was more entertaining.

“You asked ‘what’, not ‘why’ – make up your mind.” I said in the same tired and uncaring tone as before. Maybe he’d get the hint that I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Not in the mood to do anything really; besides stare blankly at a wall. I can’t even be bothered to sleep.

“Well,” he huffed, “why are you staring at a wall?” he asked again, a bit impatiently. I made no attempt to seem more interested in what he was saying; I didn’t even direct my gaze to him – though I did notice that he had moved into my peripheral vision.

“Thinking, seeing.” I breathed out. The wall was becoming boring; I moved my eyes to the window sill.

“So let me get this straight; you’re seeing, looking and thinking. None of that answers my question.” I could feel his stare on my assumingly-emotionless face, though I didn’t bat an eye.

“Ah,” was all I replied with.

“Kibum! Are you even blinking?!” I blinked then, slowly, so he saw.

“Yes.”

“You’re impossible.” I blinked again, he sighed loudly, “Why are you seeing, thinking and looking?” I thought for a moment, I noticed he shifted his weight from foot to foot as I thought of my answer.

“Because,” I said finally, “I can, and need too.”

“You need too?” Yes, yes I do.

“Yes,” I practically whispered, running out of the will to speak. My eyes blurred as they focused on a small piece of lint that was floating in the air, I started to go cross-eyed as I followed it. I blinked to refocus.

“…Hello?! Are you listening to me?” Minho’s voice faded back into the foreground.

“No.” I said simply.

“How long have you been lying here?” I didn’t respond, “Do you even know?” he sounded pissed and incredulous.

“No, I don’t.” I said honestly. He scoffed.

“You’ve been here for days Kibum, days.” I made no move to show a reaction to his revelation.

“You’ve got to eat something Kibum!” he yelled loudly. My expression changed for the first time – I winced in pain at the volume of his voice.

“Shhh, you’re so loud.” I whispered under my breath.

“You haven’t eaten in days. You’re going to get sick Kibum!” I don’t care, does it seem like I care? I don’t.

“So loud.” I said again.

“Oh my god. Okay, fine sit there then. The rest of us are going to the store. Can you snap out of your psychosis by the time we’re back?”  I blinked to respond. He made some noise of annoyance and stormed away.  As his footsteps faded, I turned my vision from the window sill to the window it’s self. It’s raining – why were they going out? Too much effort to think.

---

I blinked a few times, I was staring at the window curtains now, but I can’t remember for how long. Had I actually been sleeping with my eyes open?

“Hyung? Hyung can you hear me?” I blinked again – someone was talking to me. “Hyung, you’ve been lying here for five days! You haven’t eaten a thing; I don’t think you’ve even gotten up to use the washroom. Are you okay? Do you want anything?” it was Taemin. I searched for my voice, but I couldn’t find it – I wanted to tell him I was fine and didn’t need anything. I think that’d be lying – I obviously wasn’t ‘fine’. I simply shook my head as my only response.

“H-hyung, you’re scaring me! Why won’t you move?” He voice kept breaking; I could tell he was crying, but I had no way to comfort him. In a way, I didn’t need to comfort him.

I let my eyes drift closed. I wasn’t sure I’d ever open them again. I didn’t really care. No one cared. Nothing mattered anymore.

---

Noises… there are so many sounds. All noise.

I tugged and pulled at my hair – distracting myself from the pain. I have a headache. It won’t go away, it won’t go away.

I shut my eyes; there was nothing I wanted to see, nothing I could see that would make the pain go away. I was lost, disoriented, scared. The white walls of the room seemed too bright. The façade of clean and warm were blatantly shown to me. This was not a happy place. Not a place you wanted to be.

“Kibum, Kim Kibum.” Someone was calling my name, I opened my eyes to the sound, I looked around, my eyes landing on a man in a white coat staring intently in my direction, looking to my left and right occasionally.

“I’m so sorry,” the man said. He’s sorry. He’s sorry. How? Why? Why?!

“No… No, no…” I sputtered. The whole world started to fade in and out, the colors changed in my eyes; the colors were gone. The edges of the world became dark and fuzzy. I couldn’t focus. Too much noise. People crying, people laughing, people talking, discussing, and gossiping. Remorse, laughter, happiness, sadness. My body shook.

“…too late…”

“…it’ll be okay…”

“…we lost…”

“…nothing we could …”

“…you okay?...”

Voices, so many voices saying so many different things. I’m scared. This doesn’t make sense. This can’t be happening. No. No. No. The room came back into crystal clear vision, I looked around at the faces staring at me, expressions of melancholy and worry. I looked at them all – but I couldn’t really see them. My vision blurred again as my tears caught up with what was happening before my brain could even accept it.

I ran from the room. I couldn’t stop.  I didn’t look where I was going. I just ran blindly through door after door, ignoring the constant calls of my name – no longer hearing them.

I opened my eyes and looked around me. I was outside, I was at an inter-section, it was dark, it was night; there were so many people, I was alone. I looked all around me, seeing no one I knew – no one I wanted to see.

Where is he?

I dug my phone out of my pocket, hit one number and held it to my ear. I listened to the dial tone, I listened to it ring. I waited. No answer. I listened to the woman telling to leave a message. I felt tears burn onto my cheeks again. I whispered into the receiver. I pulled the phone away from my face to my side; I let it fall from my fingers. I heard it clash onto the sidewalk’s pavement.

I whispered what I said to the phone over and over. I looked around me. The people were gone. I was alone again. There was nothing.

I looked ahead of me, and the people were back. I looked down at my feet, I watched my tears fall, making dark lopsided circles on my shoes and the pavement.

I took a step forward.

I watched my feet walk onto the road. I looked up and saw nothing. No one was there. I was alone. I closed my eyes and stood still.

The silence what echoing, my ears ringing with my heart pounding in the background.

Kibum, you can’t do this. Don’t do this Kibum.

I heard a voice. I smiled bitterly; the corners of my mouth catching my tears, letting my tongue taste the salty water.

I heard it again.

I heard screaming, the sound was muffled by my heartbeat.

“Kibum!”

My eyes snapped open. I looked back to the side walk. I saw scared faces of people I didn’t know. I saw him.

“Where were you?” I whispered again, for the last time.

I looked back ahead of me.

I saw a bright yellow light.

Then, I saw nothing.

---

I opened my eyes. I was clutching my sides, gasping for air. I was cold. I was alone. I was on the floor of my living room. It was night time. I was alone.

I moved my hands to my face, I hid in my hands. It hurt so much. My hands were cold and clammy; I had broken into a cold sweat.

I lay there, shaking, crying, breathing. I don’t know how long I was like that – but it was awhile. I kept my eyes shut; I didn’t want to see the world. I didn’t want to remember.

But I remembered. I remember.

I felt someone watching me, though I knew I was alone. Someone was there, watching me, curled in a ball of the floor in pain. In utter and complete pain.

I was alone. I was in agony.

---

I opened my eyes. I was sitting on the edge of the roof. I was looking at the night-lit city below me.  I breathed out slowly. I closed my eyes again. My heart was racing. I counted my breaths and matched my heart beat to the pace of them. I breathed in and out slowly, steadily.  I gripped the cement I was sitting on. I lifted my head and opened my eyes, looking straight ahead, eyeing the stars, my expression blank.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Here, there. Around.” he replied. “Ask anything.”

“Where were you,” my eyes narrowed slightly as I spoke, “when everything was falling apart?”

No answer.

“All I needed was a ing call,” he began to speak, I cut him off. “I was so lost and confused and you weren’t there for me,” why weren’t you there?

“I’m sorry,” He walked towards me, along the roof’s edge.

“Why'd you have to wait?” I whispered, my strong, blank composer breaking as tears spilled over and stained my cheeks. He pulled me from the ground and held me in front of him. I stared into his brown eyes, seeing my own reflection scared me.

“Where were you?” my voice broke, “Where were you?”

“Just a little late,” he breathed out, wiping a stray tear from my face lightly. You found me too late.

My expression changed again – from broken and defeated to strong and remorseful. I pulled his hand away from my face and held it tightly.

“But in the end, everyone ends up alone.” I spit out in a rough voice. You left me alone. I gazed into his eyes, watching them soften. He pulled me into a hug. I felt whole again, being this close to him. I needed his warmth, but it was so cold. I hid my face in the crook of his neck; I clung to him, gripping at his back, taking the fabric there and balling it into my fists.

“I’ve lost myself,” I lost you. I was crying, my voice already muffled by where my lips met with his shoulder, “you were the only one who ever knew who I really am, who I'm not and who I want to be.” There’s no way to tell how long he’d be with me. How long I’d be here holding him.

“I’m here,” he whispered softly, rubbing my back, “I’m here.” I took a breath, and pulled back, though he still held me by my waist. I turned my head and looked out at the city again.

I looked back at him, I watched him stare at me. His eyes giving away so much – so much I couldn’t read.

“Lost and insecure, you found me,” my voice cracked, “ but you found me too late.” I pulled in closer and continued to whisper, “when I was lying on the floor, where were you?”

“I was right there – I picked you up.” he was speaking against my lips now.

“Where were you?” He closed the remaining gap between us.

Our lips connected, tears fell from happiness. As our lips moved with each other’s, my tears flavoring the connection. The kiss was potent. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer.

We broke apart once my lungs were demanding for air – but we didn’t separate. I rested my head on his shoulder, panting.

“I missed you.” I breathed out to the cold air around us. He hugged me tighter.

“I was never gone.” I felt more tears sting my eyes again. These ones weren’t happy. I pulled away from him – he looked confused, not understanding why I would move away. I smiled sadly at him, my dry and swollen lips cracking.

“Why’d you have to wait,” I whispered ever so quietly. I held onto his hand and squeezed it once. “to find me?”

 I moved even farther away and turned to face the city skyline again. I shuffled hesitantly to the edge of the edge. I stared at the busy streets, so busy even this late at night – almost morning. He tugged at my hand, trying to pull me back to him. I turned and smiled at the still air beside me.

“…I’ll find you.”

I took a step forward.

Black. Sky, sunrise, lights, noise, screams.

Black.