“New patient, coming straight from the Seoul University Hospital where he was because of a suicide attempt. Previous self-harmer, not known if still is. Medicine: Venlafaxine 300mg and Quetiapine 200mg, will start Abilify 15mg for psychotic episodes. Diagnosis: depression with psychotic episodes.”

The first time Sungjong heard voices - not regular ones, the ones inside your head - was a few years back, when he was dating his old boyfriend. Maybe he had expected it, maybe he had waited for this moment all that time after he was diagnosed, maybe he knew that of course it had to be him.

Sungjong remembers the day way too clearly - Howon had just got into the school he had been dreaming of (Seoul University, majoring in psychology) and they were out celebrating it. After a few bottles of alcohol the world was blurring and Sungjong had just started to like the way Howon’s hands were all over his body… that’s when it happened.

Kill yourself. Who is this? You don’t deserve him. Sungjong swore he saw a black shadow towering them. Overdose, little Sungjong. He breathed more heavily, trying not to freak out. Sungjong tried to ignore it the best he could, he really did. Maybe he should’ve talked to Howon about it, maybe he should’ve tried to get help - but Sungjong ignored it, even though he knew it wasn’t normal. But with Howon lovebites on his collarbones and the air getting too hot, he was distracted.

The next time Sungjong actually has to talk about it is when he’s admitted to the Seoul psychiatric hospital.

The voices had gone too loud, way too loud, and when that happened his medication was way too close and suddenly he was swallowing every single pill he could… maybe Sungjong should’ve predicted it, that it will happen to him anytime, but he was too blind to see it. The time when he woke up in a hospital bed, nurses surrounding him, he finally realized that maybe he’s not as fine as he was supposed to be. It’s hard, trying not to give up. It’s hard, trying to accept life. It’s hard, being ed-up. Sungjong doesn’t care anymore. He has given up.

“So… Sungjong. How do you feel right now?” the nurse flashes him a smile. This guy was assigned as his personal nurse in the meeting with doctor Kim Sunggyu, who’s too damn awkward for Sungjong’s liking.

“Pretty ed-up.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t have a purpose to live anymore.”

“But Sungjong- oh .” Yells can be heard outside the conversation room - it sounds like someone is fighting outside. The nurse barges outside of the room, and now Sungjong is concerned. What the is happening?

He stands up, following the nurse, and is met with a not-so-beautiful sight.

There’s a boy, maybe a bit older than him, and two nurses are holding him as the boy tries to fight back. The boy tries to pull a tube, a feeding tube, away from his body.

“You can't do this!”

The boy - he doesn't look beautiful. In fact, he looks like a dead body - he's like a skeleton. But in my mind I can see him healthy and beautiful - I bet that's what he is.

Yes, the boy is indeed handsome but is too weak and skinny to actually fight back the nurses. He looks drained, like he could give up anytime, and Sungjong feels kind of sorry.

“Myungsoo, stop fighting or we have to do something that we really don’t want to!” A way too familiar voice.

Sungjong can hear himself gasp - it’s someone who he really wasn’t expecting to see. Of course, he should’ve predicted it. His ex was a psychology major, so maybe Sungjong could’ve thought that he was going to be here - after all his ex said that he is extremely interested in mental health and its’ disorders, so maybe Sungjong could’ve thought he is here.

Howon.

Sungjong’s heart doesn’t skip beats as it used to do around Howon - no - this is different. Or is it? Sungjong really doesn’t know. But it still stings, seeing Howon. They dated for over a year and Sungjong thought Howon was his soulmate, even if he didn’t believe in things like that. Howon looks good as always, and even if he’s fighting the poor boy… he still looks happy. Happier. Sungjong knows that Howon loves his job, he had talked about how he wants to help people to Sungjong so many times. But today, today Sungjong knows that he should not long for Howon. You have to let go.

Then the boy’s, who’s struggling to fight back - Myungsoo’s - eyes meet Sungjong’s and he gives Sungjong a smile, and Sungjong really can’t figure out if it’s creepy or not. Does Sungjong enjoy it or not? At this point he doesn’t know anymore.

The days - they aren’t interesting at all. They start a new medication for Sungjong, which is supposed to ease his psychotic episodes. Sungjong really hopes that it will work, he really wants to get rid of this sickness of his.

Sometimes the voices are louder, sometimes they take over him and won’t let him sleep in peace - they won’t let him be alone, even for a while. Sungjong is scared of going home because maybe overdosing or just any kind of form of suicide is in his mind, circling around him and trying to catch him like a prey. Sungjong is scared of what he can do to himself. He doesn’t self harm anymore, he doesn’t burn himself with lighters and finished cigarettes anymore, but there’s just something that scares him about himself. Sungjong needs someone.

As for the creepy smiled boy - Myungsoo - he has gotten closer to Sungjong. Something just clicked between them, and since that they’ve been each other’s company. Myungsoo is more than his disorder - he isn’t his anorexia, Myungsoo is a shy but happy boy with so much to give. Together they are something that nobody can explain.

“Sungjong, will you please kiss me?” Sungjong thinks it’s an another voice inside his head, this time making fun of him, mocking him for not finding love. But there sits Myungsoo, the one who he likes to call his official hospital buddy, the one who has claimed that he is as ed-up as Sungjong. But never ever before has Myungsoo asked for a favour like this.

Does Sungjong want to kiss Myungsoo? Is Myungsoo ready for someone like him - someone who is in a constant battle with his mind, someone who lives in the darkness.

It happens way too quickly.

Suddenly Sungjong is on top of Myungsoo, kissing him softly. Myungsoo seems surprised but he responds anyway. Sungjong likes the kiss - it isn't the best kiss, it’s a bit sloppy and the both of them weren’t ready - but it’s still something that makes Sungjong’s chest bubble with a feeling that he can’t explain.

Be mine?

And maybe Sungjong is a bit happy because he knows this could be something. Maybe soon he doesn't have to walk alone in the constant darkness, maybe this is what he needs - Myungsoo seems just like a perfect catch for him. Maybe they comfort each other in the deadly night hours when all is dark, maybe their bodies will find together and mouths share hungry kisses. Maybe this could be happiness.

I will hold you in your darkest moments.