“Constant panic attacks, has tried to overdose before. Panic attacks grown worse, lately has been passing out because of them. Known to be a self-harmer, last hospital admission has been two months before this. Medication: Quetiapine 150mg, Olanzapine 20mg, Temesta 15mg and Mirtazapine 15mg. Diagnosis: panic disorder.”

He feels his breath hitch. Not again. The heartbeat of his fastens, he can feel as his palms start to sweat, he becomes dizzy and feels like he was to throw up. The world starts to blur, and he tries to not to shake. Why now? What triggered it this time? Was it the fact that he's on his way to a completely new place? Maybe it’s the stress he has at home? Or maybe this time he’s too scared of dying?

Woohyun is on his way to Seoul’s psychiatric hospital, and before he passes out all he can see is the ambulance driver’s dark hair.

Waking up - it’s just so damn hard at times when you really wish that you wouldn’t wake up. There are things Woohyun is ashamed of, like the pink and white scars on his arms, and he wishes that he would’ve never started to make those. It started with small little ones made with scissors and suddenly he was holding the sharpest knives, making him bleed so much that he wished that for once he would bleed to death.

Woohyun hated it - being sick. The panic attacks had started when he was just a 15-year-old, way too young for his liking. They weren't even that bad at the start - Woohyun could feel how his heartbeat quickened, he could feel as breathing became harder, he could feel as he lost control of his own world. Losing control was something that he feared - not being able to feel himself on the Earth anymore, feeling that he was about to explode. Woohyun was scared of leaving the world, even if he sometimes wanted it. Was Woohyun actually scared of what the future, maybe of what it could bring him? He really didn’t know, and as his fears grew larger every day he could feel as the panic rose too. And every time his heartbeat quickened and breath hitched Woohyun knew that he was so ed-up.

“So, you really are a critical case, Woohyun. Your panic attacks - they have just worsened since your last visit. Also, it seems like you’ve not succeeded in stopping self-harming, so if we see any new scars we have to do our everything to stop it.” Woohyun looked at the doctor, Kim Sunggyu, like he was crazy. Woohyun knew that he was in such a bad state at the moment but he still couldn’t believe the threatening tone in the doctor’s voice. He just wanted to disappear from this world because in the end, nobody would miss him, right?

“I can manage myself. Can I go home?” Woohyun never thought he would be pleading in front of the hot doctor - yes, Kim Sunggyu was awkward but hot - that he would like to go home. Maybe Woohyun already knew the answer, but he also knew that this hospital visit wouldn’t help him at all - just like the last five ones he had had. Woohyun knew that he was a lost case - nothing could help with his panic attacks, nothing could help with his sleeping problems, nothing could help him at all. He was so bad into his sickness that it had grown to be a part of him and the disorder wouldn’t let him go at all. Woohyun was on the verge of crying because he knew that nothing ever worked.

“Woohyun… we can’t let you go home. I’m all about positivity but in your case you’ll just end up here again. And what about your self-harm history? Seriously, you’re a danger to yourself.” Every sentence hit Woohyun hard but he knew he had to get out. He simply couldn’t live any longer, not in this place, not in this world.

And then the world started to spin.

Woohyun knew what was happening. It was way too comfy, it felt like a home to him. The sweaty palms, hitching breath, blurring world, feeling of wanting to throw up, just everything - Woohyun knew that it was all happening once again. He really wished he had the power to predict or control it but no, he couldn’t.

It’s going to kill me.

Woohyun watched as Sunggyu watched him, completely confused. Didn’t he understand? He was a damn doctor, he should know this. Woohyun wanted to tear his skin apart, he needed to feel the blade on his skin to punish him for showing his weakness. He hated it - he hated when others saw him at his weakest moments. But sometimes… sometimes you could go for help, right?

“Sunggyu, can you.. can you hug me?” Woohyun’s voice was trembling, and he could feel as his world started to blur once again. He needed comfort and Sunggyu was the only one who could give it to him at that moment. It was scary - asking such a favour from a stranger - but it was now or never.

And as the world started to blur the young doctor moved closer to Woohyun and took him into his arms.

It was… weird. Woohyun didn’t know if it was comforting or not - Sunggyu, after all, was just his personal doctor, and the hug felt awkward. Okay, yes, it was awkward. It was awkward as hell but at that moment Woohyun needed someone, when his world was about to burst he needed someone to calm him down, he simply needed help.

And now there he was, in Sunggyu’s arms, trying his best to calm himself down. Maybe the hug was working, maybe not, but in that moment Woohyun for once felt safe, he felt like there was someone to protect him from the world. Maybe that’s what he needed.

I need you.