“New patient, very critical state. Must be put in a hospital immediately. Over 10 kilo weight-loss in the past month, BMI 14.7. If doesn’t eat, then must make up the missing calories by nutrient drinks. If still doesn’t eat, then feeding tube. Must be watched over very carefully - can’t do any exercise, not allowed to go outside. Diagnosis: anorexia.”

The day Myungsoo arrives is a sunny one. How ironic. It should’ve been full of dark clouds and rain, maybe a bit thundery to describe the racing thoughts in his head. But no, it’s a beautiful sunny one, the flowers are blooming and the light summer wind goes around in town. It should be a happy day, not a one where your mind is in such a dark place. As Myungsoo walks inside the Seoul Psychiatric Hospital he takes a final look to the freedom he had - it would be long gone now.

The room where he is placed looks like a jail - one bed in the corner, an old-looking table in the other and then there’s a small bathroom. No roommates, everyone has to be alone. Myungsoo is thankful - he doesn’t need friends now. Myungsoo wants to be alone, maybe with his sickness and let it ruin his life.

“I hope that you understand that we will put you straight into the treatment where someone is watching you 24/7 if your weight drops. You’re in a critical state, Kim Myungsoo, and your sickness is no joke. You’re in danger, on the verge of death”, the nurse who had introduced himself as Sungyeol says. Straight-up telling the facts and not saying anything “beautiful” about his situation. Myungsoo decides that Sungyeol is nice.

The first day at the hospital is the worst day of Myungsoo’s life, at least that’s what he thinks. Every time he has to eat the anxiety hits and hugs him. He can’t eat. Too many calories. He can’t get fat. They will make you an overweight pig. Nobody is there for him. You’re all alone.

Myungsoo knows he’s lonely - his disorder has taken everything from him. Maybe Myungsoo wants to disappear away from the world, maybe he wants to get better but  just simply can’t. The nurses… they aren’t helping. The words, that are something along with just eat, hurry up and you really want the feeding tube, they make Myungsoo’s bad thoughts build up even more. Every meal ends up with anger from the nurses and Myungsoo’s cries. He doesn’t want the nutrients, but he really doesn’t want the feeding tube either - so he takes his nutrients.

“Sungyeol, please let me die”, are the last words he says to the nurse because he’s the only one he knows and maybe, just maybe, he could make someone know about how he feels.

“Myungsoo, you have to stay alive”, but he doesn’t hear the words - Myungsoo is long gone.

Myungsoo isn’t on the 24/7 watch, so he exercises at night. Not much - he can’t lose weight - just enough to keep his weight the same. It’s hard, trying not to over-exercise. It’s hard, taking all those calories in. It’s hard, someone trying to stop you from starving yourself to death. It’s hard, being Myungsoo.

“So, Kim Myungsoo, 22-year-old anorexic. No past hospital admissions but according to the information you’ve taken part of therapy before, and you’ve had your ups and downs, yeah? So, this has been going on for two years?” All Myungsoo can do is nod at the doctor’s words. Ups and downs indeed.

“So, we’ll start Quetiapin 25mg for your anxiety, you’ll take it 30 minutes before you eat. Your personal nurse, on who you can rely on and talk to, is Lee Sungyeol here. I am Kim Sunggyu, your personal doctor”, the man says and awkwardly smiles at Myungsoo. Straight up and no circling around. Myungsoo decides he likes Sunggyu too.

On the 3rd day Myungsoo has a conversation time with Sungyeol. He’s scared and nervous - Sungyeol isn’t his therapist, he isn’t someone on who Myungsoo has relied on before. Myungsoo doesn’t want to talk about his illness. He doesn’t want to share why this all started, why he chose to lose weight. Myungsoo wants to stay in silence and drown in his thoughts. Please let me go.

Silence. That’s all there is between Myungsoo and Sungyeol. Sungyeol gave up with the talking after Myungsoo refused to talk with him. If he had talked, that would’ve ended up with crying. Myungsoo doesn’t want to cry. He thinks that he has to show that he’s stronger than he is. Myungsoo lies to himself, he wants to keep convincing that he’s okay, he’s fine. Nothing is wrong. Let me go.

“Myungsoo, uh- please let someone in. You can’t be all alone with this. We just want to help.” He stays quiet and observes Sungyeol. He has quite nice facial creatures, even though otherwise he’s quite lanky and tall. Myungsoo decides that Sungyeol is kind of cute.

“I can’t. I am fine. I don’t need help.” Sungyeol sighs, giving up. Myungsoo almost wants to smile - he has won this round.

The days go by, and maybe eating has become easier too. Or maybe Myungsoo’s situation is just getting worse. Maybe Myungsoo is already planning on how to lose all of the weight he has gained. Maybe Myungsoo is actually deeper in the pits of anorexia. But he will pretend that he’s okay, that’s what he must do.

As time has gone, Myungsoo has learned how to observe people well. And he has written down everything he has learned about the people he has so far met, but mostly he likes to focus on the staff - he finds them interesting. Who wants to be around a -up like Myungsoo? Who actually thinks that things will get better as time goes?

Kim Sunggyu. Young for a doctor, must be around 29. Awkward but has no shame. Intelligent. Sharp. Seems like a great friend.

Jang Dongwoo. Like a big goof-ball. Always smiling at people and encouraging them, so he makes a good nurse. Probably has an affair with Lee Howon, according to those lovey looks he shoots at him.

Lee Howon. Probably the top of his class. Seems cold at first but is actually pretty nice. For a psychologist he’s kind of… I don’t know. Probably in love with Jang Dongwoo, smiles stupidly around him.

Lee Sungyeol. A weird one. Laughs a lot, seems like he embarrases himself a lot. Kind of cute. I like Lee Sungyeol.

After 4 weeks it is finally time for Myungsoo to be discharged. He’s nowhere near better, the voice in his head tells him things that nobody should hear. Kim Myungsoo is nowhere near healthy, so maybe the hospital just gave up on him.

On that night Myungsoo decides to get as wasted as he can, as celebration of course. Let me go away from this world for a moment.

It’s 2AM, and Myungsoo is as drunk as he can get, when he sees a familiar face enter the club. It’s Lee Sungyeol, the cute one. With him are Dongwoo and Howon, who are laughing at each other and holding hands. And maybe Myungsoo sees the sweet kiss the two share. So, they are dating. But Myungsoo’s attention is on Sungyeol, and as the night continues he decides to finally approach him.

“Hello Sungyeol”, he blurts out, slurring his words.

“Oh my god. Myungsoo.. you’re drunk as . Go home”, even now Sungyeol is caring. Myungsoo likes it. It makes you even better.

Myungsoo stumbles and Sungyeol catches him. The bartenders are watching the two carefully, like they want to kick them out at any minute.

“That’s it. I’m taking you outside. Now.”

The night isn’t young anymore - it’s dark and the only lights are the shining moon and the city lights of Seoul.

Myungsoo wants to tell Sungyeol and tell him how beautiful he looks, but he tries to not to do it. It’s wrong.

Maybe Myungsoo wants to kiss Sungyeol’s pretty lips and forget his worries for a while. Maybe Myungsoo wants to let go for a while and do what his heart says. Or should he try to not to do it? Because it’s wrong? Because he’s not supposed to like Sungyeol, just because he was his personal nurse?

Tonight I’ll let go.

And then Myungsoo, in his drunken mind, takes the step and presses his lips on Sungyeol’s. It’s awkward at first - Myungsoo pressing his lips harder - but then the magic happens and Sungyeol actually kisses back. Maybe there’s butterflies in both of their stomachs but they also know that this is so wrong.

Sungyeol is the one who backs up first.

“I- Myungsoo- this is wrong. We can’t do this. I’m sorry. I like you but… you’re just an another patient. I must go.”

After those words Sungyeol runs away and Myungsoo wants to yell at him how much of a he is - but he doesn’t. Maybe this is actually wrong. Myungsoo wouldn’t have cared, so maybe he has to let go. He needed a saviour, but it isn’t Sungyeol. He’s alone, he knows he’s dying, but does Myungsoo care anymore? No, he doesn’t.

Maybe now I am free.