Chapter 12

“No... I wished she was dead.”

Silence.

Then Jaehyun pulled up next to the river. He reached out across Taeyong’s seat and opened the door from the inside whilst unbuckling his own seatbelt.

“Get out.” He said quietly. Taeyong did not budge from his seat. “What I mean is you should cool off.” He tried again.

“I’m fine.”

“No. No you’re not.” Jaehyun replied calmly towards the younger’s fit of rage. It was understandable.

“Fine.” Taeyong snapped, nostrils flaring, eyes burning. He took angry strides towards the railing of the riverside, clutching it like a lifeline, unflinching from the cold metal. He didn’t need to turn back to know Jaehyun was observing him from the distance. A careful distance. “She should be dead. Why isn’t she dead?” He asked out loud, more for his sake rather than Jaehyun’s.

“You’re mad.”

“Furious.” He corrected with a click of his tongue.

“Not at me for once.”

“This isn’t funny, Jae.” He snapped again, turning to face him.

Jaehyun was somewhat taken aback but he hid it well. His lover never got this mad, never to this point.

“I know this isn’t. So you better stop brooding like Edward Cullen and tell me what the hell happened.” Taeyong does not respond, his mouth doesn’t even tilt into an almost-smirk at the jab at Twilight. “Tell me, Taeyong. I’m here too. I promised to be here for you, remember?” His voice takes on a more passive approach.

“I hoped she was dead.” He said quietly.

“No, you don’t.” Jaehyun whispered taking his shaky hands in his. Taeyong was shivering so much from anguish, his eyes glassy from would-be tears.

“I thought it would be easier. So why am I the one in pain? Why couldn’t she be dead?”

“Life... doesn’t work that way.” He said softly. Taeyong pulled him close into a hug, burying his face into the other’s neck, hiding his tears. It is then that Taeyong splinters.

“I hoped she was dead. But that’s just a childish hope. But no, she’s in there, decked in jewellery and designer clothes and she’s some CEO’s wife now. I wonder what household she ruined for that. It would have been better if she was dead.”

“No, you don’t. I see it in your eyes. You hated her. You hated both of them. But not dead. Not to that extent.” He shushed him whilst his hair.

“I hate them. I wish they were dead. But they’re still alive. Both of them. They’re both still haunting me.” He sobbed, trying to control his flood of emotions.

“Shhhh... its fine. I’m here. I’m here. I’m so sorry.” Jaehyun wanted to kiss the pain away but it wasn’t as easy as that.

“That hurt more than I thought it would. I thought it would be easy to hurl barbed words to someone you hate. It felt good for one minute and then it made me feel like because in the end, my words don’t matter. She left. It happened. My words don’t change anything.” Jaehyun pulled away to cup his face and look at him. Really look at those swimming sad eyes that he loved.

“Words rarely do.” He began to brush the tear streaks with his thumb. “Because we have to follow through with our actions for our words to have meaning. So, the other day when I said I love you. It meant waking up with you every morning. It meant pulling you in to kiss the tip of your nose in between coffee. It meant threading my fingers through your hair in bed. And intertwining our fingers when we watch movies. And letting you put pineapple on pizza even though I think it’s gross and an abomination to pizza toppings. And coming home to eat dinner with you. So it’s okay if it hurts.”

Jaehyun paused and pulled him into a burning kiss.

“Let me hurt with you.”

He breathes as he looked at Taeyong with pleading eyes and it felt like breathing again after a long time. Exhaling and inhaling. Breathing and being breathless all at once.

“She left me, Jaehyun. I was a child. I never understood what they fought about. I never understood that I was the reason why.” His voice breaks a bit and so does Jaehyun’s heart.

“It was never your fault.”

“I was never a reason for her to stay...”

“Well, who cares about her? You’re my reason.” Jaehyun said with fiery eyes and Taeyong sniffled. Lee Taeyong was this beautiful, beautiful boy who did not deserve all the hurt he did. “I wouldn’t even care about life if you weren’t here. Now, look at me. I spent my whole day being ing jealous of Irene.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s pretty.”

“I’m not even into girls. What’s the real reason?”

“Just seeing you two together... I mean I’ve always wondered if I’ve robbed you of your time, Taeyong.” He admitted. He was jealous. Not just of Irene, but of all the hot-blooded, youthful people who surrounded him like moths to a lamp.

“What?” He sputtered, red eyes widening in surprise.

“You’re young and intelligent and ridiculously attractive. And what I mean by that is it’s not like I’m afraid of robbing a cradle or anything. You’re legal. But you have so much time. You’re so young. I feel bad to push you into this type of commitment.”

“Shut up.”

“If you make mistakes, Taeyong. Don’t let me be yours.”

“You’re so stupid.” Taeyong muttered before tiptoeing and simultaneously pulling him into a chaste kiss. It was sudden, but so gentle that it made Jaehyun shiver from the intimacy despite being out in the open; the cold night wind brushing his cheeks harshly against the heat of Taeyong’s hand.

“Well, that’s one way to shut me up.” He breathed in heavily, a little bit more high than he was before.

“I swear if you say the word ‘young’ again, I’ll slap you.”

“Where?” Jaehyun’s mouth stretched into a knowing smile, teasing coquettishly.

“I didn’t think you were into that type of... kink.”

“My kink is you.” Taeyong laughed and Jaehyun felt his muscles loosen up in relief.

“Honestly, it’s moments like this that reassure and scare me at the same time.”

“I was joking. I’m just jealous. I’m sorry.” He sighed, leaning against Taeyong’s arm.

“No, you’re just Jae-lous.”

“Haha funny.”

“I’ve been Jae-less for awhile.” He admitted.

“Over. You’re overdoing it now.” Jaehyun tried to contain himself from laughing at the stupid and not-so-funny joke. But it was Taeyong, so he laughed anyway.

“Am I? Even for your level? I must have hurt you today.”

“Very very much. Don’t smile so brightly at Irene. It shakes my heart.”

“Jaehyun.” His smirk faded into a smile, and the lights by the river suddenly don’t look that dazzling or bright anymore, not in comparison.

“Yes?”

“Don’t smile so brightly at me. It shakes mine.” He said in sotto voce, hands intertwining. They kiss again and Jaehyun doesn’t give a damn who might see, and how inappropriate this was. Or what was wrong or right, real or an illusion. His thoughts were only for the person he loved.

“Okay for real though, that was a smooth as pick up line. You have to agree.” Taeyong laughed and it lights up his whole entire life.

He was not jealous.

He had Taeyong afterall.

“It just hurt more than I thought it would; the confrontation.” Taeyong whispered, removing his tie and suit jacket and laying it on a chair in Jaehyun’s room. The older was already changing into a t-shirt and flannel pants.

“You want to talk about it?”

“No... not yet. I’m not ready to tell you everything yet.”

“Do you... want me to...” Jaehyun coughed, before sneaking up behind him, letting his hands snake up to the younger’s chest, Taeyong shivered underneath his touch. He pushed the other’s hands away, helping him his shirt before pressing kisses to the junction of his neck. “To make you forget?”

“Thanks but I’m not in the mood for if that’s what you mean. Sorry, I’m kind of tired.” He pulled away slowly, but placed a kiss to the tip of Jaehyun’s nose. He pouted but does not push forward, instead he thought of other alternatives on how they could spend the night so that Taeyong would be more at ease.

“We could watch a movie? Just curl up in bed and browse through Netflix? I’ll make hot chocolate and I think there's brownies in the fridge or if you want something heavier, we can order pizza. “

“I’d like that a lot.” He nodded, before pulling a white v-neck over his head.

“Good. You’re less sad now.”

“With you rambling like that, how could I be anything short of happy?” Taeyong smiled, before leaning down to kiss him again.

They watched Mamma Mia because... well, because Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth was reason enough frankly. Jaehyun sang along to the songs whilst Taeyong stared at him, humming along, with an amused smile upon his face. It is when Meryl Streep was belting out ‘The Winner Takes it All’ does Jaehyun realise that Taeyong had fallen slack next to him, deep in sleep, breathing against the skin of his neck.

He took a moment to stare at the high slopes of Taeyong’s cheekbones, to the pale white of his skin and the inky strands of his hair falling over his closed eyes. Jaehyun can’t help but smile, the music of the movie blurring into the background because all he can hear is his own heart beat beating like a beast against his ribcage. And he simply knew. He couldn’t live without Taeyong.

He let his finger brush softly against his cheek down to his lips before readjusting Taeyong’s head onto the pillow. Shutting the laptop with a quick snap, he closed the lights before settling next to Taeyong. Tugging his smaller frame into his embrace, letting himself be enveloped with the scent of Febreeze, lavender and home.

Taeyong smelt of home.

There was a lightness to his steps when Taeyong padded out of the bedroom. Maybe because Jaehyun slept so soundly, he never felt like he should wake him up due to the stressful nature of his job. He deserved more time to rest. In the meantime, he’d make some breakfast.

Fifteen minutes later, the same hands from last night crept around his waist, tugging him back into a solid chest. Taeyong’s hands are wet from doing the dishes but he wipes them quickly on a tea towel next to the sink before kissing the white knuckles of Jaehyun’s hands.

“Morning.” He laughed, voice still deep from sleep.

“You’re too much. Even in the morning.”

“Especially in the morning. Because someone left the bed early so I had no one to cuddle with.” Jaehyun’s nose nudged at his hair and he chuckled when he's dragged and tickled to death till he was being straddled on the sofa.

“T-this isn’t fair!” He said in between deep, gasping breaths and uncontrollable laughter.

“Hah! Nothing in life is fair!”

They don’t realise the door lock clicking into place and the door swinging open. Or the boy that barged in the next second.

“Jaehyuuunnnnsss.” Jaehyun froze, hands still on Taeyong’s abdomen. The other turned to stare at the blonde haired boy now standing in the entry of the apartment, luggage behind him. “H-hyung.” He tried, flustered, unable to look at them like... well like that.

“Who are you?” Taeyong pushed Jaehyun off him, flushing pink from embarrassment due to the fact that he had just walked into them in the most compromising of positions.

“Oh man... I’m sorry I didn’t know you had... umm... company, hyung. Given that you’re always so busy and stuff. That and the fact that you’re pretty cranky all the time and such a bad-“

“Bad what? Keep going, Mark.” Jaehyun finally responded, more calmly than expected.

“Conversationalist.” The boy called Mark finished then gulped, eyes darting unsurely, but almost curiously to Taeyong. “He’s honestly such a bad conversationalist.”

“Mark.” Jaehyun warned; voice low.

“Sorry, hyung.” He looked down to his hands, suddenly very meek.

“What are you doing here? Is it that time of year again?”

“What time of year?” Taeyong asked out loud and they answer in sync.

“Spring break.”

“Ugh, give me a minute. I’m not awake till I have some coffee.” Jaehyun stood from the sofa and plopped back down, running his fingers through his hair.

“I’ll go fix a batch.” Taeyong said and Mark quickly dragged the luggage in before volunteering to help.

“I’ll help.”

“Thanks.”

“Is that a disco ball?” Mark gawked as they both entered the kitchen.

“Yes... Jaehyun put it because... reasons.” Taeyong laughed before pulling down the jar of instant coffee granules down from the cupboard. “Oh, I haven’t introduced myself. My name’s Taeyong. I guess you can call me Taeyong hyung?”

“Nice to meet you. My name’s Mark. I’m Jaehyun’s brother.” He extended his hand and they share an awkward first handshake; that is until Jaehyun’s voice pierced the awkwardness by hollering from the living room.

“Step-brother!”

“That’s cruel, hyung!” Mark pouted whilst settling the coffee on the table.

“It’s the truth, kid.”

“I never call you my step brother. You’re my brother and that’s what you are!”

“If you insist.”

“I’m just going to crash on your sofa for awhile.” Mark explained. “Till I finish a few songs and stop fighting with dad.”

“Ever considered Airbnb since you’re always in Korea? Don’t you have friends that you can freeload with?” There was a slightly cold undertone to his voice and Taeyong was shocked to find him so... apathetic.

“Jaehyun.”

“You probably have dad’s credit card with you and we all know that you know the pin so maybe a nice hotel wouldn’t be too outlandish?”

“He stays here.” Taeyong raised his voice slightly to catch both their attentions.

“What?”

“I hardly ever sleep in my bedroom anyway now, so he can crash there.”

“Says who?” Jaehyun scowled and puts down his mug of coffee.

“Says me.”

“He’s not paying the rent.”

“I’ll pay his rent.” Taeyong replied curtly and it seemed to piss the doctor off even more.

“It’s f-fine, Taeyong hyung.” Mark stuttered, putting a hand on his shoulder. The action is not missed by Jaehyun.

“No, no it’s not fine! Your brother-“

“Step-brother.” He corrected for the billionth time that morning.

“Is being an ! Jaehyun of all people should know how much I value family.”

“What family?” He retorted back, but he immediately regretted it because of the woeful look that crossed Taeyong’s face, if only for a second. He’s crossed the line again and he bit his tongue in penitence.

“Exactly.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Jaehyun followed Taeyong to the kitchen as the other evaded him entirely, turning to wash the dishes in the sink.

“I know you didn’t mean to offend me and it was a heat of the moment kind of thing and you were mad and I was fighting back. I’m still pissed off at you for being such a jerk to your brother. But hey, what do I know? Because I obviously don’t have any family left.”

“Stop. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t mean that.”

“Why don’t I know about him? How come I didn’t even know you have siblings?

“Because he’s not important.”

“I’m right here, bro.”

“I’ll deal with you later, you little s-“

“Jaehyun. You never told me.” Taeyong’s voice was insinuating and Jaehyun could tell he was hurt.

“It never cropped up in our conversations.” Taeyong merely scoffed and rolled his eyes. .“Okay... I know. I know. I’m sorry. I’m making excuses. It’s not something I talk about.”

“You could’ve just... I don’t know... mention it? Once?”

“My parents divorced when I was about nine. It wasn’t big or dramatic. They just couldn’t live with each other anymore. I was young but I understood. They never were that affectionate.”

“And you?”

“What about me?”

“You are their son, Jaehyun. How did you feel?”

“I was sad, I guess... it didn’t last long. I understood that they functioned better apart than together.”

“You’re a family.”

“Yes... Mark’s about eighteen. He was born in Canada but we grew up a together somewhat sparingly, a few years in America. He was just a baby then. Other than that, I see him when I visit my father.”

“The whole 'I lived in America for four years'?”

“Yeah. Both my parents married other people and had other children. I wasn’t the type to actively seek their approval anyway. I guess you can say my upbringing was methodical instead of warm. But they didn’t love me any less, I knew that. They moved on from each other. So did I.” He shrugged nonchalantly.

“You weren’t like... neglected?”

“It was complicated but I was never unhappy. There’s nothing to talk about.” He shrugged.

“I get it. If you didn’t want to share that part of your lif-“

“That’s not it! You know it’s not like that. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of you... or of them for the matter. It’s just not important.”

“Then what is Mark doing here?”

“He likes to show up on my doorstep without warning every now and them, mostly during spring break. He likes the rap scene here and he’s made quite a few friends on his own. He’s going through that rebellious teen phase when he locks the doors to his bedroom and never tells his parents where he’s going... God and he spends money like it grows on trees!”

“Poor kid.”

“Correction. Rich kid.”

“That may be true, but he is technically running away from home.”

“Oh please, my dad will call by midday to see if he’s arrived at my place as per usual. He’ll go back when he gets bored or runs out of money to throw around.”

“He’s devoid of love.”

“He’s devoid of interest. He can’t hold a hobby or a job or his own bloody attention in maths class.”

“I’m actually good at maths.” Mark rebutted from the living room, not bothering the fact that he was eavesdropping.

“Your report card says otherwise, Mark Lee!”

“Jaehyun! Is that how you’ve been handling him?”

“He’s not some stray you need to worry about. Don’t argue with me on this! He’s just my step-brother.”

“That’s exactly the reason why I care. Because he’s your brother who you didn’t even care to tell me about. Who’s obviously suffering from an estranged brother and a dysfunctional family.”

“He’s not! I am not!”

“He wouldn’t be here if that was the case!”

“You know what? Fine. Take care of him. Feed him. Coddle him. I kinda hate the fact that it hasn’t even been an hour since he arrived and now he has you wrapped around his chubby little fingers.” Jaehyun sighed, putting his hands up in surrender.

“Are you jealous of your own brother?”

“Mildly. And it’s step brother.”

“You’re ridiculous!” Taeyong sputtered.

"Yes, I am.” He admitted, and they split to opposite ends of the house, whilst Mark is left to contemplate his part in triggering a lover’s spat.

“Jaehyun? Seulgi said you’re done with your patients for the morning.” Irene asked, after peering into his office with a clipboard and a bottle of asprin.

“Yes. I am done.” He nodded, looking away from his reports.

“Ummm... A friend of my father’s requested a check up from you. Specifically.”

“Me? Why?”

“You’re actually a good doctor, Jae. I know you don’t like it when people pull strings through me but can you please, please, please do me this one favour?”

“Of course. I don’t mind. I think I have time before lunch.”

“Really? Thanks, I owe you one. Well... two now. How’s Tae doing?”

“Taeyong is doing fine. He said he wanted to explain it to you personally later.”

“Okay. I hope he’s feeling better now. Let me just go get her.”

Five minutes later a lady walked into his office; she was rich, no doubt about that, with her styled hair and diamond earrings and modest dress. And he wondered why she went to the trouble of requesting him personally through Irene. She was beautiful despite the fact that Irene told him she was already in her forties and there was something feline and recognisable in her beauty, something he couldn’t pinpoint exactly. Perhaps he had seen her somewhere.

“Dr. Jung?”

“Yes, please have a seat. Pardon the mess.” He gestured to the seat and tried to clear the reports on his desk a bit.

“What can I help you with, Mrs. Kim? I’m sorry but I don’t have any of your medical records...”

“I’m not here for that, Jaehyun.” She addressed him with his first name and he stiffened in his seat.

“Uh... I don’t understand.”

“Let’s just get straight to the point. I’m here about Taeyong.” She replied, letting her manicured hands fold over her creaseless dress like resting doves. Jaehyun blinked for a minute before realising why her face was so flawless and familiar. Like Taeyong, she was flawless like Taeyong. She was beautiful like her son.

“You’re his mother.”

“Biologically.”

“That’s very cold of you to say so.” Jaehyun gripped the pen he was holding and leaned back into his seat, eyeing Taeyong’s mother distrustfully.

“We’re in a hospital. There’s no need to sugarcoat.”

“I can see why Taeyong hates you now.” He does not try to hide the disdain in his voice, face falling into a frown, the cynicism dripping off his words.

“You’re blunt. I like that. I can see why Taeyong likes you.”

“You wouldn’t know what Taeyong likes because you haven’t been with him the past decade. So stop pretending you know him.”

“And would you? Do you really know my son as much as you claim to know him, Jung Jaehyun ssi?”

“More than his own mother would.”

“I’m not here to debate about my flaws as a mother. Despite what you two may think of me, I am still his mother.”

“Biologically.” He reminded her. She slipped a piece of paper across the table. It was a cheque and Jaehyun refused to count the amount of zeros there was on it. It was probably, no doubt, worth more than his life.

“This is a cheque for Taeyong. I know he won’t accept it from me. He’d probably refuse to meet me in the first place.” She sighed heavily, looking down at her folded hands. “But he might accept it from you. I don’t particularly care what he spends it on, he is prudent, my son-“

“He is not your son. What are you trying to achieve with this money?” There was a tenacity to his words, a bite to them, because he was angry. He doesn’t understand why but he felt the rage coursing through his system. Taeyong’s mother was too much. He didn’t think he could hate someone he knew so little about. But he did.

He hated her.

“Nothing. It’s too late for achievements now.”

“Why go through all this trouble now? You could’ve tried to find him ages ago, get him out of that house, get him off the part time jobs. He’s only prudent because of the lifestyle you forced him to live. Did you even know what he went through? How he came into the emergency ward because he was beaten up by the loan sharks of your late husband? So why now? Because he’s smart and handsome? Successful now?”

“He’s always been handsome and smart.”

“Is it the guilt? Is this guilt money? Do you have nightmares now about the child you left behind?”

“It’s not guilt. It’s a mother burden.” She whispered and Jaehyun can detect the regret and sadness for once in her voice. But it was fleeting as the mist because her expression clouded back into a serene, elegant facade, like perfumed on arrogance.

He hated her even more.

“I’m sure you feel all the burden now, more than ever. But you are not his mother and he is no longer your son.”

“Believe what you may. I am his only family left.” He shook his head and picked up his pen again, turning to the reports he was checking before.

“He has me. That will always be enough.”

“Give him the money.”

“Taeyong may feel bad for being an to his mother but I don’t. He doesn’t need your guilt money. You’ll have to live with it, unfortunately. .” He does not look up from his paper, a silent rage bubbling underneath his still veneer. This was suffocating. She was suffocating. “Now, if you’re done with your little act... you know the way out.”

Mrs. Kim hesitated at the door, turning to him, forlorn and benign.

“Take care of him.”

“I don’t need you to tell me to do that.” He dismissed her coldly.

“Of course.”

Author's note:

I know it's been a month since I last updated but my life the past month has been one huge mess. I also hurt my arm so I'm not supposed to strain it that much by typing and whatever. Nothing serious tho.

Hopefully I'll have the last chapter up before next week because that's when I start school. Hah busy busy busy. ugh. 

OH GUESS WHO SAW NCT 127 LIVE WHOOP WHOOP. I saw Jaehyun's arms. Taeyong's voice is REALLY SOFT in real life, surprisingly. But he is like a heathen god when performing dammnit boy! I've seen Good thing live, I think I can die happily now. Oh and Taeyong had pink hair by then . I called it!

I'm sure you guys are just as hyped as I am for Cherry Bomb!

Leave me some comments for motivation cause I like... really need some of those positive vibes at this really y moment in my life.

Thanks .

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Co-author's note:

  Guess who decided to leave a note too~ I take too long to edit these days. Anyway the end is coming soon. Thank you for loving Spring and our lovely authornim. You guys really helped making Spring a wonderful memory for us both. 

P.S.: authornim is on ao3~