Chapter 10

Dear Jaehyunnie,

If you’re reading this, then I’m gone.

This is the part where I should say sorry for being a ty friend. And I am sorry for being a ty friend. To be honest, you were the only thing left, but sometimes, one person can only love so deeply and live so fully. This is where I stopped because it hurts so bad. I can’t control it anymore.

I can’t pretend and I can’t let go.

I hope you don’t blame yourself. But I know you will, you stubborn git. Don’t be sad. Burn every memory of me. Try to forget. Just promise me you’ll try.

I love you.

Jaehyun had only read it once before. And then he had shoved it away somewhere dark in the recesses of his life. But he never really forgot. It hurt him even more, when Hansol had asked him to forget that easily, being told to forget like he could. Ironically, he never managed to forget. How could he?

When there were only memories left to be relived, never new ones to create.

Jaehyun never showed anyone that letter. Not the authorities that had interrogated him after or the hospital people or even their friends. It was his to keep a secret and his secret alone. He didn’t want to share it. He didn’t want to taint the pure memory of hands shaking, tears falling, nights with them whispering in the dark. He didn’t want other people to own the piece of Hansol that only he knew.

They found his body by the side of the Han River, with too many pills to pump out. It was too late. Jaehyun drowned himself in alcohol and when that didn’t work, he literally tried to drown himself by jumping off a bridge on the same river whilst being heavily intoxicated. Doyoung had stopped him and he had cried like a mess. A drunk, broken mess who had lost his friend and then wanted to lose himself too.

That was the letter Jaehyun let Taeyong read that night.

They were curled in bed, and there is a small gap between them because Jaehyun isn’t ready to touch Taeyong again without feeling bad. Jaehyun is still hesitant to touch him and Taeyong does not force him to. They just lay there all night, telling each other sad stories. It should have been like this. They wished it could have been like this from the start.

Taeyong told Jaehyun of his mother and his father and the shouting and the hitting and the drunken spells. For once, his words were superfluous.

“My father liked to drink. Sometimes too much. He was some big shot company guy. The typical rich handsome guy who threw money around and was constantly sleeping with his temp or some tramp. Hey, that rhymes.” Jaehyun smiled and held back his laugh before nudging him to continue.

“Don’t start rapping.”

“He liked to hit my mother who was helplessly in love with him. I don't know what was worse; the violence or the constant ploy. After the bursts of temper, he would pour honey into her ears and buy her extravagant things - large bouquets of roses or designer shoes and perfume. Everything. He bought me things too, you know. I didn't understand. But as I got older, I came to hate them. I felt bribed.”

“Understandably.”

“So yeah. It was this toxic relationship. And I was this cancerous by-product of that nuclear disaster.”

“Please don’t compare your existence to cancer. And you are not a by-product.” Jaehyun whispered and caressed his cheek.

“It felt that way, you know? They were so cold and heartless. And I was… nothing.”

“You are not nothing. You are everything. You are everything to me.”

“You know sometimes I would fall asleep through it. All the shouting and the bedsprings. Sometimes, I would be just so… emotionally drained and tired… I would fall asleep. I would wake up and feel like utter .”

“Is that why you have insomnia?”

“Yeah… I developed the worst sleeping habits ever. Sometimes I would just sleep for hours. Some nights, I couldn’t even sleep a wink. That’s why I developed the habit of organizing things as well.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was so loud sometimes, the screaming, the fighting. It hurt to hear constantly. I would organize anything I could get my hands on, my toys, colour pencils, the freaking shampoo bottles, everything. I memorised words from a dictionary so I could zone out. When I got old enough, I just sneaked out.”

“Is that when you got involved with the wrong people?”

“Yeah… there were better ways, I know. It can’t be helped.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But this is.” His voice cracked but Taeyong brushed his hair softly, assuring him.

“We don’t have to live remembering our mistakes, Jae. How would we move on?”

“We don’t.” He shook his head.

“Well, we should. Both of us. I hated myself the most when I slept through it. God, how could I sleep through it? But I was just so tired. I slept in class and the teachers gave up on me. They told me I’d never make it.”

“Well, they were wrong.” Jaehyun huffed, and Taeyong smiled, something bright and easy came to his mind.

“I never explained to you about why I choose law.”

“Yeah... you told me you would tell me one day.”

“Well, this is gonna sound sappy but the reason I wanted to get into law was to help kids like me. People always say that child and family law is where the money is at and that’s true. But isn’t that sad?” Jaehyun turned to look at him but his eyes were focused on the ceiling, so sad and soft and honest.

“It is.” He answered finally. A little bit late.

“I don’t want it to be like that for other children. All those cold nights and empty fights. I wanted to study child law and protect the other miserable kids like me... I know. It sounds stupid and naive.”

“It doesn’t; not sappy, nor naive and far from stupid. It’s very noble of you. You have such a beautiful heart, Lee Taeyong. I’m sorry for being so careless with it.” Jaehyun sobbed into the crook of his neck.

“You don’t have to apologise.”

“I have many things to apologise for.”

“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago.” He leaned down and captured Jaehyun’s lips in a chaste kiss. It was a momentary bliss of peace and serene stillness. Them. This. Together.

Jaehyun doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve someone as angelic as Taeyong in his life. He must have been a saint in his past life. But he doesn’t complain now. Maybe he didn’t believe in God or magic or unicorns but he believed in them. He believed in this.

He could make this work.

Because he loves Taeyong.

And for all his flaws, Taeyong loves him too.

And that was all that mattered.

That morning, they woke up in each other’s arms with sleepy smiles and shy laughter. Taeyong buried his face into the elder’s chest, inhaling his scent, content with the morning he’s always wanted. With the person he’s always wanted.

Jaehyun vetoed against trap music and David Bowie. And Taeyong said no to Jaehyun’s sappy love songs and old school jazz. They settled on listening to chill indie music that had lyrics too deep to understand whilst they played with each other’s fingers.

“Mornings like this make my week.” Jaehyun hummed happily.

“Mornings like this make my whole year.”

“Oh yeah? Having you makes my whole life complete.”

“Stop it. I’ll start blushing.” Taeyong hit him playfully but the other pulled him even more closer.

“That’s the intent.”

“You think there would be fireworks and the rolling credits and the soundtrack playing in the background by now...”

“It’s not that complicated. We’re two people who love each other. It sounds difficult and daunting and scary. But it’s easy. Being with you is easy.”

“Even if we’re both a mess?” Jaehyun asked.

“Messes collide to create art. And these feelings? They’re beyond art.” They smile at each other and it ia all fluttery and sweet like cotton candy.

“I love you. I don’t know why it was so hard to say that out loud. But it feels right.”

“We’ll take care of each other, won’t we?” Taeyong presses his nose against Jaehyun’s cheek and the other nods, cupping his face like it was the most precious thing on earth. And they make a promise from that day forth.

“Always.”

It started with a polaroid.

Taeyong had stuck it there with no grand purpose. He had just wanted Jaehyun to see the picture of them stuck on the wall. And then one day, Jaehyun had taped a cheesy poem he had ripped out of a book. Over time, memorabilia accumulated on that space of the wall. Photos, articles, quotes, dried flowers, music sheets, overlapping over one another. There was even a vinyl record of Chet Baker hung on the wall, now dubbed ‘our wall’ in ‘our house’. Jaehyun was so excited he jumped on the sofa and squealed which hurt Taeyong's little OCD soul because he just washed the cushion covers. Then he blasted Mr. Brightside all day with the surround sound system. They had turned off the lights and raved, dancing terribly before collapsing into a fit of giggles. It was no longer a cold apartment that Jaehyun felt no attachment to. It was the place that he and Taeyong shared their little bubbles of unimportant details and even more mundane lives. But that was enough. It was their space. Our space.

Yes, apparently it was ‘our’ house now.

Then that afternoon, they both went to Itaewon to scour the flea markets to search for a record player and more vinyls. Jaehyun became like a kid in a Disneyland, picking out classical sonatas as well as musical soundtracks. Taeyong, who was neither a music snob nor a fan of jazz hands, simply watched the elder talk excitably about Phantom of the Opera. He's never seen Jaehyun this hyper and it’s pretty amusing.

They unearth a compact but still ancient phonograph and they take it home like a new beloved pet. Jaehyun is excitable when he sets it up in the living room, under their makeshift montage on the wall. The first song he played was something with a lot of sax and Taeyong felt like he’s vaguely heard this in some Woody Allen movie.

He does try to pinpoint but forgets when Jaehyun pulls him into a slow dance around the living room.

Taeyong doesn’t really care about music that played in the background, because it is all majestic silence when he’s with Jaehyun.

There’s not much he can focus on when they’re together.

One day, Taeyong came back from class and was surprised to hear what sounded like drilling in the house. The noise originated from the kitchen and the place was so dusty that his hands were itching for a wet cloth and some Febreeze when he got there and dear lord, Jaehyun was standing on the island with a power drill in his hands.

“Jae, what the are you doing?”

“Oh… you’re early.” He smiled blasely like it was a normal day. Which it clearly wasn’t.

“Yeah and you’re messing up the kitchen. Are you installing new lights? You at these things. Why didn’t you get a professional to do this?”

“I am a professional.” Jaehyun insisted and Taeyong gave him an ‘oh really?’ look.

“Yeah, at drug distribution. Not… house construction…” He gestured to the rubble around the kitchen. “Why the hell do we need spotlights in the kitchen anyway?”

“Because… think of how lovely you’d look cooking and entertaining friends.” Taeyong is kind of confused at this point.

“What friends? You only ever talk to Taeil, Doyoung, Irene or Seulgi and I only have Ten and Johnny. We aren’t exactly the most social couple.”

“Don’t ruin my fun. We will have parties.”

“What ever for?” Taeyong sighed at this ridiculousness.

“How else am I going to flaunt about our beautiful relationship and our beautiful lifestyle?”

“Dude, you’re a doctor and I’m a student. This isn’t Scrubs meets Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

“When you put it like that...”

“You’re supposed to be the older one in this relationship. What next? Plastic pink flamingos on the balcony and piñatas in the bathroom?”

“That’s so instagram worthy.”

“Please don’t say cringey stuff like that.” Taeyong groaned and inwardly face-palmed himself. Jaehyun was getting infected.

“It’s my house!”

“Well, it would be half my house if you’d let me pay the goddamn rent.”

“You don’t work anymore.”

“And whose ing fault is that?”

Last month, Jaehyun had make a big fuss about Taeyong working two jobs and staying up all night because he didn’t have time for cuddles and because he was studying that hardcore law syllabus. He was pretty much living on Aderall and coffee which sounded like a bad combination. He pretty much riled the younger up for a week to get him to drop one of his jobs. And he did. But he also didn’t talk to Jaehyun for two days.

“Let’s just pretend to be conventional and traditional and let the husband provide for the wife okay?”

“Wowowowow... Okay. One, we’re living in the twenty-first century and that’s a really outdated and misogynistic mindset." Jaehyun rolled his eyes. "And two, why am I the wife? We’re gay!” Taeyong sputtered, glaring, arms folded in slow burning rage.

“Because you’re submissive.” He grinned.

“Get out of my kitchen.”

They spend the next half an hour chasing each other around the living room until Jaehyun ran out of breath because he was old and Taeyong got less mad. And Jaehyun went back to finish drilling or whatever he was pretending to be good at.

“You know why I really wanted to put in the spotlights?”

“It wasn’t for entertainment?”

“Well, more for my entertainment. I was inspired.”

“By what Abba song?” Taeyong replied sarcastically.

“Funny. It was one of your songs actually. Something about disco balls as kitchen lights and wearing all black all day. That sounds hot. We should do that.”

“Those are two different songs. And please don’t tell me you’re planning on putting a disco ball in the kitchen...”

“Why not?”

“This is the part where I should call Seulgi noona and ask her if you’ve been getting high at work again.”

“I don’t do that... anymore.”

“Yeah. Who was that dickhead that said doctors weren’t drug dealers?”

“Yah, Lee Taeyong!”

The first people they really did entertain were actually Ten and Johnny. It was partly because Ten remained a sceptic of their relationship and partly because Jaehyun wanted to show off his new kitchen. But really, he was nervous as hell because he felt pretty disconnected from that side of Taeyong who was young and fun and liberal, and he had only heard of the fabled Ten in his atrocious tales.

They were awkward but that was Ten’s fault because he kept looking at the doctor like he wasn’t sure if he should dissect him or eat him. Maybe both.

But they act somewhat civil until Ten brings up the fact that five people have asked Taeyong out in the past week. Both Taeyong and Johnny glare at him and Taeyong takes the extra mile by kicking his best friend under the dining table. He yelped and sent daggers to the other before kicking him back. Johnny gives Jaehyun an apologetic look before dragging his boyfriend and Taeyong into the kitchen.

“This is not how you act with your best friend’s beau!” He shout-whispered to Ten before turning to scold Taeyong as well. “And you do not kick people under the dining table! Dear Lord, what did I do to deserve friends like you? I’m embarrassed. Oh daddy, I didn’t move all the way to America for this!”

“He started it with the kicking!” Ten hissed and pointed to Taeyong accusingly.

“You didn’t have to make it known how many people in college want to me!”

“You two are five year olds! Why are we friends?” Johnny moaned, face in his hands type of embarrassed.

“Seo Youngho!”

“Um, I hate to interrupt.” Jaehyun coughed awkwardly at the kitchen door. They all turn to stare at him and Johnny recoiled at the fiaso this night was turning into. But Jaehyun strode to Ten with an unflagging confidence and a wobble in his step to reveal that he was actually still quite fearful. “I know. You probably hate me a lot. And I’ve already said it to Taeyong but you probably won’t believe my words even if it came from his lips. This is not how I envisioned our first meeting, Chittaphon Leechaiyakul.”

“Dude, even I can’t remember my boyfriend's full name.” The other two were standing at the side, watching with rapt surprise. Johnny whispered to Taeyong who nodded in agreement, both mildy impressed.

“Let me introduce myself again. I’m Jung Jaehyung. I’m the guy that loves Taeyong. Nice to meet you and I’m sorry I didn’t apologise to you for breaking your best friend’s heart. I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt him again. But I promise I’ll try not to.” Jaehyun extended his hand and waited for Ten’s reaction. Ten stared at him for a second. Just plain flustered by the open nature of Jaehyun’s apology.

He begrudgingly accepted the elder's hand and Jaehyun sighed in relief.

“I forgive you. Just don’t... do it again. , where’s the alcohol at times like this?” Ten pulled his hand back and ran his fingers through his unruly hair to brush it off like a suave natural action.

“This is the sweetest I’ve seen in awhile. I have tears.” Johnny said dramatically, pulling Taeyong into a semi hug.

“I think I have just the thing.” Jaehyun popped the fridge open and took out a bottle of rum and cola.

“At least he drinks like a college guy.” Ten guffawed and nodded approvingly at Taeyong. Jaehyun passed him a glass and Ten doesn’t even hesitate to finish it in one shot.

“I just realised after drinking. Ironically... is that a disco ball?”

“Yes. Yes it is.”

“You’ve always been more observant after drinking, Ten.” Johnny reminded him and taking a glass for himself.

“Let me turn off the lights.”

Ten and Jaehyun end up getting themselves drunk and singing (surprisingly) great renditions of Bruno Mars songs in the kitchen. The dizzying lights illuminated their faces in garish colours. It was actually quite amusing to see the two get along after a kick of alcohol and forgiveness. Taeyong’s just relieved he doesn’t have to deal with them being too pouty when he wanted to meet the other. And it was nice to see the two people he loved most get along.

“I want to keep him.” Johnny said abruptly whilst he and Taeyong are observing their drunk boyfriends. At least one of his friends know that there should be a sober one to drive.

“Who? Jaehyun?”

“Yeah. He handles Ten well. With authority but with a familiarity of a friend as well... and plus...”

“Plus?”

“The dude made Ten apologise. That’s pretty revolutionary in my book!” He smacked Taeyong in the chest with a wide toothy grin on his face.

“I agree.”

When Ten and Jaehyun finally get too drunk to handle, Johnny thanked Jaehyun and Taeyong for the meal and proceeded to carry Ten like a princess to his car. Jaehyun had somewhat sobered up at that point but was incredibly clingy to Taeyong who was trying to clean up the mess.

He was washing the dishes when Jaehyung wrapped his arms around his waist whilst humming a song into his ear. Needless to say, it was very very distracting and Jaehyun knew he had an effect on the younger when he was like this.

“Tsk. You’re being difficult again.”

“Aren’t I always difficult?”

“Unfortunately yes, but now it’s just over.”

“You like it when I’m extra. No, you love it.” Jaehyun moves his hand upwards and his lips trail kisses on his neck, breathing heavily against that scent he loves so much. “You always smell like Febreeze. It’s really a turn on.” He chuckled.

“You're killing the mood. That’s not being extra. That’s just being a cocky tease.” Taeyong elbowed him but missed and Jaehyun took the opportunity to turn him around much to the other’s annoyance. ”My hands are still soapy!”

“But you like how cocky I am.” Jaehyun smirked, before leaning down. Taeyong does not resist. There’s no point in trying to because he melted into the kiss, eager and needy. Jaehyun makes him eager and needy. His wet hands are in the other’s hair, threading and tugging impatiently. When they finally do pull away to catch a breath, they shared a fervent look with all those vivid red emotions because they knew.

“Damn, you’re right.” Taeyong rolled his eyes and kissed him again. They laugh as they stumbled to the bedroom laughing, because they simply knew.

They knew.

Author's Note:

I know it's been awhile but I currently have a lot on my plate with interviews, events, my house is being renovated and that's really not conducive for writing, and I've also started my driving classes. Pray for me (and my instructor's) soul coz I'm so scared of driving welp I feel like I could kill people in a driver's seat. TT

Yes I have many excuses and I feel that this chapter had not so much content just fluff (not that that's a totally bad thing) but it makes it feel kinda half-assed. There's a bit more content actually... drama?... I have planned. Just a dash more.Yeah sorry guys I just really wanted to update since forever. This is also unedited. Sorry  >_<  Love ya guys !!!

Co Author's Note:

I just edited lol. Be prepared cuz authornim loves her drama and angst.