[CHAPTER 19]

"The Void"

I want to say that I’m fine… but am I really fine?

Hakyeon yawns as he sits in the teacher’s lounge and listening to his friends discuss about the winter festival next month.

“You’re yawning again,” Minhyuk noticed. “Not getting enough sleep?”

“Kind of,” Hakyeon answered honestly.

“Staying up too late?”

“No. More like waking up here and there.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“You haven’t been getting any sleep at all have you, hyung?” Sanghyuk joined.

“Yeah…”

“Well, exams are over already so why are you still not getting enough sleep?” Minhyuk asked again.

“That’s what I want to know too. I’m done with all the preparations and there’s really nothing to worry about but I just keep waking up in the middle of the night…” Hakyeon sighed.

“Too much on your mind maybe?”

“Like what?”

“Like… I don’t know?” Minhyuk shrugged.

“How do you feel every time you wake up in the middle of the night?” Eunji worried as well.

“I can’t remember… I just feel… nothing,” Hakyeon really can’t recall.

He can’t remember when and it was probably just recently that he’s been having such restless nights. He’s been done with all the mid semester exams and he’s also turned all of his reports to the school principal. He’s done all he could and there’s really nothing for him to stress about. Yet, recently he couldn’t sleep all the way until the morning without waking up in the middle of the night.

Each time he wakes up, he would sit in his bed and stare at his walls for a good long minute. He can’t remember anything as to why he would wake up in the middle nor does he recall having any dreams or nightmares that would make him wake up either. There was nothing… empty…

“I felt empty…” Hakyeon realized. “Like there was nothing to feel at all…”

“Huh?” Minhyuk asked. “Don’t scare me Hakyeon-ah. Maybe you should see the doctor?”

“You think so?”

“It’s probably for the better.”

“I agree,” Eunji nodded.

“I can accompany you as well if you need, hyung,” Sanghyuk suggested.

“Thanks,” Hakyeon smiled weakly. “I’ll think about it.”

* * * * * *

Hakyeon didn’t mean to worry his friends and he’s grateful for their worries and care. But how could anyone help him if he can’t even pinpoint as to why he’s feeling the way he is at the moment.

The winter was approaching and the air was getting chilly. It was colder than usual that day and probably even colder than the year before. It was getting painful to breathe in the cold air and Hakyeon made sure he was completely covered up from head to toe.

Beep. Beep.

“Hmm?” Hakyeon noticed his phone vibrating from a notification.

He dug through his large jacket pocket and took out his phone. On the screen was a reminder but he doesn’t recall putting anything in his calendar lately to remind him of anything. He scrolled through his phone and opened up the calendar.

In an instant as he looked at the date, he became too shock to speak.

It was Taekwoon’s anniversary… the day that he passed away due to an incurable illness.

Hakyeon gulped in fear, how could I forget?

He was shocked and almost speechless that he has suddenly forgotten such an important anniversary. He has never forgotten about it since the day Taekwoon died. Hakyeon’s blamed himself for all this time because he couldn’t help but feel responsible for making Taekwoon work so hard for him while he went to school instead. Hakyeon always visited Taekwoon’s grave since the first year and the second year. He even went to visit Taekwoon’s grave several times during the third year to mourn for his past lover.

Then there was also the fourth year…

“Wait…” Hakyeon started to feel rather confused. “What did I do during the Taekwoon’s fourth anniversary?”

He couldn’t recall. As if, he had no memories of ever visiting Taekwoon’s grave the fourth year. And then, he panicked. It wasn’t just the fourth year that he couldn’t remember but also the year before… what happened during this time of the year last year? Why can’t he remember? There’s no way Hakyeon would ever forget something so important.

Suddenly, his hands trembled both from the cold and the fear. Why can’t he remember? Why… why… why…

“What was I doing last year? The year before? Why can’t I remember?” Hakyeon kept repeating those questions to himself.

His head started to hurt as he tried so desperately to remember. Yet, there was nothing. There was no memory of him ever visiting Taekwoon’s grave the past two years nor does he remember clearly of what happened in between.

He rushed home in desperation and took out an old box of his belongings. They were all memories that he stored away hoping that he would eventually move on from his past. Taekwoon’s belongings were all there and so were his own. There was nothing missing either. Yet, Hakyeon still feel as if something wasn’t right. He walked by his bookshelf and looked at the picture of him and Taekwoon.

The picture was still the usual, he was still smiling so happily with Taekwoon during their trip together. It was one of Hakyeon’s most precious prize possession. Nothing could ever replace it or Taekwoon in his heart, at least that’s what he thought.

That’s when Hakyeon recalled how strange it was one morning when he suddenly woke up to the picture facing downwards.

He couldn’t remember how the picture suddenly faced down or why. He thought it might have just fallen over the night before but now that he think about it, he was rather odd.

Everything since lately felt strange.

“What the hell is going on with me?” Hakyeon asked.

* * * * * *

Hakyeon really tried.

His sleepless nights lately weren’t because he felt empty inside but rather because he was trying so hard to retrace his memories from the last time he went to Taekwoon’s grave.

He called his school to get the week off so that he could make the preparations to make a proper visit to Taekwoon’s gravesite. Taekwoon loved children and so did Hakyeon. The two of them had plans to eventually adopt their own child from the orphanage nearby as well. That’s why when Taekwoon passed away, his tomb was up the mountains near the orphanage as well. Hakyeon got permission to do so from the owners and they even helped Hakyeon take care of Taekwoon’s tomb while Hakyeon was further down for work.

Every year that Hakyeon came to the gravesite, he would bring a batch of cool blue hibiscus which are Taekwoon’s birth flower and reflected Taekwoon’s cold yet warm personality. That’s how Hakyeon have always thought of since he’s known Taekwoon.

The path was quite a long walk away from the bottom but Hakyeon never gave up and continued to walk towards the site. That’s what he did every year, at least as far as he could remember. Yet, strangely enough he couldn’t remember whether or not he came here last year or the year before.

“Ow,” Hakyeon’s head was pounding again as he tried to remember.

Each time he tried to remember something about the past two years, his head would start hurting and once more, there would be a void in his memory.

After a long walk, Hakyeon finally made it up to the top. Even though his memories of the last two years were in a haze, he still remembered clearly where Taekwoon was located.

He stood in front of the tomb and laid the flowers down.

“It’s been awhile hasn’t it?” Hakyeon said. “Did you miss me?”

Hakyeon knelt in front of the grave and cleansed it with water. He made sure to bring some of Taekwoon’s beloved treats as well and placed next to the flowers.

“I brought some of your favorite food with me. I hope you like them. It’s been… awhile hasn’t it?” Hakyeon asked. “Did I manage to come visit you last year? Or the year before?”

Why can’t I remember anything? Hakyeon’s eyes almost gave out as he felt so frustrated with himself and his missing memories.

“Did I tell you that Sanghyuk from Changwon is now working in my school as well? I was kind of cold to him at first when we met again because I didn’t want anyone to know about my past but I thought about it and I knew it wasn’t his fault. He kept saying how much he looks up to me and thinks of me as his role model… how can I be anyone’s role model at all?”

Hakyeon let out a deep sigh.

“Do you know how strange it has been for me lately Taekwoon-ah? I can’t remember anything about visiting you the past two years and there are parts of my memories that I can’t recall. I don’t even know whether they’re actually missing or if I’m just going crazy. I’ve asked both Minhyuk and Eunji about it as well and neither of them said anything happened to me. I’ve also talked to Sanghyuk about it and he has no clue as to why either. Do you think I’m becoming strange? Do you think I should see a doctor too? Is this happening because I really miss you?”

He really doesn’t know.

“It’s so frustrating. I feel like I remember everything yet I can’t remember anything at all. It’s as if… parts of me are missing and I don’t even know what it is to start looking for it.”

What should I do? Help me Taekwoon-ah.

After a long day, Hakyeon finally left the mountains. Yet, his question remains unanswered. He let out a disappointing sigh as he made his way home.

“I should just forget about it. It’s not like I can remember anyways,” he told himself.

As he got off the bus and walked up the hill back to his neighborhood, he decided to past by the supermarket to grab some food for the night.

“Good evening, Hakyeon-ah,” the shop owner greeted him.

“Good evening sir,” he greeted back. “Anything new today?”

“Nothing much but some of our vegetables are on sale if you plan on saving some money.”

“Thank you,” Hakyeon said and just as he was about to walk down to the vegetable section, he noticed a few boxes sitting behind the counter. “What are those?”

“Oh these?” the owner said as he opened one of the boxes to let Hakyeon see. “These are the new comic books for the month. I just got them and I plan to bring them out tomorrow to sell. The kids are going to gather tomorrow once they see these.”

“Haha, I bet they will.” Hakyeon laughed just thinking about the possibility. All the kids around the neighborhood are obsessed with the comic books. Every month or even every week, they would gather up to the front in order to get their hands on a copy of the latest issue. “Hmm?”

Hakyeon noticed a rather familiar title.

“Interested?” the shop owner asked. “Take it.”

“I… thank you.”

Though he’s never read comics himself, Hakyeon was rather curious about one of the titles in the box. He flipped through the monthly series and had no idea how to read the pictures at all. It was totally foreign to him since all he’s ever read were novels or nonfictions. But he couldn’t help but be curious with one of the books so he accepted the owner’s offer to take a copy.

From the first page to the next, Hakyeon grew intrigue with the stories on each page. Even though he’s missed the stories from the beginning, he found it rather hard to put down the book as he continued to walk through the neighbour and back home.

The pictures brought him quite the laugh and a bit of curiosity. He became curious about how the stories began and wanted to know more about each of the characters between every page.

“Haha this is funny,” Hakyeon laughed as he continued to read. “No wonder he likes it so much.”

What?

“He… who’s he?” he stood still in his spot, trying to figure out just what he had said.

Who am I talking about?

Hakyeon looked through the pages, and then tried to recall something that was missing in his memories once more. As far as he can remember, there was no one around him who’d read comic books aside from his students but still, it’s not like Hakyeon was exceptionally close with them either. So who is this ‘he’ that Hakyeon was suddenly referring to?

His head started to pound once more as if someone was hammering through in his mind.

The pain hurt so much that he felt like he was going to tear up from trying to endure it. His body was stun from the pain and he felt weak to his knees. Just then, a strange noise brought his attention.

Clank. Clank. Clank.

An annoying noise was coming from somewhere and Hakyeon began to search for it with his ears. That’s when he finally looked up and noticed where he was.

For some reason, he had wandered to the most neglected part of the neighbourhood and quite a detour away from his home. The streets were quiet and even the lights from nearby were barely lit. They blinked just enough to show the reflection of a small corner building in front of Hakyeon.

The building where the old convenience store was, the building that no one cared for and a store that have been abandoned for as long as Hakyeon could remember. Yet, it was weird… Hakyeon felt some sort of familiarity as he glanced up at the vacant shop. He’s never wandered around here before since it was so eerie and frightening, but now he couldn’t take his eyes off of it either.

Why?

Clank. Clank. Clank.

That sound again and it was coming from within that building ahead of him. Curious, Hakyeon gathered his strength and walked slowly up to the building.

No one has been in this area for a long time so where was this sound coming from?

“Is it haunted?” Hakyeon gulped in fear.

He tried to glance around the barricaded windows in front of the shop but within the small gaps, he could see nothing but pitch darkness. No one was there so where did the sound come from?

Suddenly, he felt the shivers just thinking about the possibility that the place might be haunted.

“I… better go home,” Hakyeon said but just as he turned around…

Snow started to fall.

It was the first snow fall of the year and it was earlier than the usual. No wonder why the weather was getting so chilly rather quickly.

Hakyeon watched the snow fluttered to the floor and stared at the snow-painted sky. It was beautiful. So beautiful that he didn’t want the snow to stop at all.

“It’s so pretty,” Hakyeon looked up and placed his palms out to catch the flakes that fell. “If only you could be here…”

Then, his tears fell along with the snow.

“What?” Hakyeon was caught by surprise as he realized that he was starting to shed tears. “What is wrong with me?”

He immediately tried to wipe away his tears yet for some reason, it would not stop. His heart ached unknowingly as he stared into the skies above.

Clank. Clank. Clank.

That sound again. That sound that seems to be reminding him of something he can’t remember yet Hakyeon have no idea where it was coming from. Was it from within the store? But there shouldn’t be anyone in there. There shouldn’t have been anyone around this neighbourhood in years as far as he could remember but for some reason, the place felt familiar.

“What are you doing outside of my store?”

Hakyeon turned around as he just heard someone talk. Who’s store? He looked back once more but the store was empty. He was still the only one around so who’s voice was that?

Why can’t he remember? Why does it hurt so much just trying to remember? Why does he feel so empty as if a part of him was missing…

“To think I’d be watching the first snow with you, Hakyeon-ah,” there was that voice once more.

A foreign yet familiar voice rung through Hakyeon’s mind. A voice he shouldn’t be familiar with yet strangely enough, Hakyeon didn’t want to forget. Someone was here, once before with Hakyeon… Someone who was so precious to him that there was no way he’d forget. So why did he suddenly forget now? Why?

“Why did I forget something so important?” Hakyeon cried even harder as he clenched desperately onto the book within his arms. “Why did I forget? Where did you go?”

“Hongbin-ah!”

A/N: Sorry for the slow updates. I lost the original draft again for this chapter and it took me quite a long time to rewrite the entire thing TTvTT I don't know what happened with it either. Updates are slow unfortunately because of work but I promise I will finish this :)