“What are you doing?”

“You lost,” JongIn said as soon as I looked at DoYeon who had just entered my room. I looked back at him with a pout -KyungSoo had told me that’s the name of that move with my lips- and I crossed my arms. I was the tenth time I had lost.

“Don’t be like that, HyeJin. At least you lasted for more than twenty seconds.” He cheered me up.

“What are you doing?” DoYeon repeated her question.

“It’s a game JongDae hyung has recommended us. We have to look at each other for as long as possible. That way HyeJin will learn to look someone in the eyes without looking away immediately.” He explained the purpose of the game.

“Interesting. Who’s winning?” I pointed at JongIn without hesitating.

I didn’t expect to win this game, anyway. Avoiding everybody’s eyes was something that had been implanted in my brain ever since I was a child. The first rule, that every one of us had to respect was not to look any of them in the eyes. It was strictly forbidden to look for an employee or a client in the eyes without its permission. Everyone had given me the permission to do so, but it was almost impossible for me to ignore the rule I had grown up with.

“She’s slowly making progress. At the first five times, she wouldn’t last more than five seconds. We are at twenty now.” JongIn said, proud of me. That was something I couldn’t understand. I knew that my small progress was banal for them, but JongIn was making out of it a reason to be proud of me.

“Well done, HyeJin.” DoYeon smiled, but her smile wasn’t as bright as Jongin’s.

Had I done something wrong?

“Who is JongDae?” She asked.

Instead of answering for me as usual, he grabbed my blue notepad and a pen and gave them to me. I got the message and I opened it to start writing.

-He’s my friend.- I showed it to DoYeon.

“A friend. Have you made a friend?” She asked, happy for me.

-Yes. He’s in my class.- I added the information.

“I’m so happy for you. You’ve already had two friends. What about girlfriends?” She asked and I looked at her confused

-What’s a girlfriend?- 

“There are two ways of defining the words ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’, but you just need to know one now. There is two type of friend.  KyungSoo is your boyfriend because he’s a boy. A friend who is a girl is named girlfriend.”

-Boyfriend for boy and girlfriend for girl.- I showed it to her just to make sure that I had understood right.

“Yes. Have you done any?”

-No.-

“Why?”

-Any of the girls have approached me yet.- I needed a little time to write it because it was a long sentence.

“None?” She seemed surprised. “Who do you talk to in your class?”.

-I don’t talk.- I reminded her of that little detail.

“You don’t?” The happiness in her eyes left a place for confusion. I pointed to my mouth and made an ‘X’ with my index fingers.

“Ahh.” She seemed to have understood. “What I meant was who you talked, either with signs or by writing.” She made it more clear and I had to think a bit.

-JongDae, KyungSoo and ChanYeol- I wrote the names carefully.

“Just boys.” She seemed worried.

“Why do you seem worried, mom?” Apparently, JongIn noticed it too.

“I just find it weird that she only talks to boys.” She answered, “Do they treat you well, HyeJin? Have they ever come too close to you?” I was overwhelmed because she wasn’t giving me time to think or to write the answers to her questions.

“Stop mom. You’re confusing her with all your questions.” JongIn steeped in for me and I thanked him mentally. “I met them personally and they would never do anything to her. Specially KyungSoo hyung.” He answered.

“You’ve just met them for a brief moment. You can’t know how they are.” Why is she acting like that? I followed her orders. Didn’t she want me to make friends? What’s the matter?

-You told me to make friends.- I dared to write.

“I know, but I expected you to make more girlfriends than boyfriends.” She explained kindly, but I got the hidden message.

-Do I have to stop talking to them?- I asked and I bit my bottom lip to hold on the tears that were filling up my eyes.

I didn’t want to stop talking to them. Besides JongIn, they were the first men who had treated me well. I liked how KyungSoo was always talking calmly to me in order not to scare me and how it didn’t bother him at all to explain some things to me several times until I had fully understood it. He was patient and would always praise me when I had understood something right away. Both he and Jongin made me feel well and they have never shouted at me. I liked JongDae’s joyful laughter. He was always cheerful and ever since we had become friends, he would make everything for me to feel welcome. Sometimes he acted like a big child, but it made me smile. Just a small smile from me would make him very happy. Despite not talking a lot to him, ChanYeol always smiled when our gazes would meet. Even if it was only for a few seconds. He was the tallest of the three, thus he scared me automatically. To be honest, I always tried to be a bit away from him so that my fear was manageable, but I had to admit that he was always kind to me. In spite of his height, I liked his big smile. I had never seen someone with such a big and shining smile.

I didn’t want to stay away from them, but I would do so if DoYeon ordered it. My obedience and my fear of being punished were too great.

“You don’t need to cry, HyeJin.” JongIn hugged me as soon as the first tear fell. “Mom is just worried about you. She’s afraid that people will hurt you.” He my hair to calm me. Despite my slightly trembling hand, I made an effort to write legibly.

-They are good to me. They do everything to make me feel safe around them.-

“Then it’s alright. You don’t need to be like. If you like their company, then you can keep on being their friend. I just thought that you would be more comfortable around girls since you seem always scared of men when we go out, but I guess I was wrong. As long as you feel comfortable, I’m okay with it.” I strived to smile as wide as ChanYeol to show my happiness, but I only managed to smile a little.

I showed her the page where KyungSoo had written something for my mother as he had asked me to and she took softly the notebook out of my hand to read the message. I tried to contain myself, but I couldn’t. JongDae had told me to take good care of it and that I was the only one allowed to touch it. It was the first time someone had given something to me without wanting something back. Thus I took the notebook out of her hand and held it tightly against my chest. Both JongIn and DoYeon seemed surprised by my gesture, but I didn’t care and just stared at the floor. It was my notebook and no one else.

“Was it his idea?” She asked, still surprised. I nodded. “He would come every weekday to help you studying?” I nodded again. “It’s a good idea. Tell him that he can come.” She smiled and was about to go to the kitchen, but I stopped her.

-Who am I?- I showed her the question I had written on my fourth lesson.

“What do you mean?”

-Today we had to write about ourselves in our English class. My teacher said that I could hand him my work due to my condition. Who am I?- I tried to write as understandable as possible so that she could understand my question.

- Good morning everyone. I’m going to test your vocabulary today, thus I want you to write about yourself today now. Facts about yourself, your family, what you like and dislike. You can even write about an important event in your life.” As soon as the teacher had finished talking, everyone grabbed a pen and started writing. I looked around completely lost and without knowing what to do. My owner had given false information I didn’t know about to everyone. To be honest, I didn’t know myself that well. I just knew how to be obedient and not questioning anyone. I didn’t even know my birth date. I just knew that it was in November. I bit my lip while staring at the white sheet in front of me.

“What’s the matter, HyeJin?” KyungSoo asked. “Oh!” He’d seemed to remember my situation and smiled softly. “Write just about what you know.” What I knew was my name and nothing else. Everyone around me knew more about me than me.

“Is there any problem, KyungSoo?” The teacher had asked.

“Hmm… HyeJin doesn’t…” He had made the same face as KyungSoo before.

“You don’t need to do it now, HyeJin. Do it with your parents when you’re at home.” He forced a smile and I nodded.

“Why can she do it at home and we not?” A girl had asked annoyed. “It’s not fair.” The teacher had just needed to glance at her coldly to make her be quiet. I’d looked around and everyone was looking at me as if I was a prey except ChanYeol, JongDae and KyungSoo.

I could perfectly remember the teacher’s look. He had wanted to pass on calmness and comprehension, but all I could see had been the pity. Pity because I didn’t know who I am. The other students including KyungSoo, ChanYeol and JongDae had looked at me like that and I had felt suffocated.

I had been taught ever since I was a little kid that I must say the truth no matter what because a lie was a reason to be punished. I wanted to explain to them that I didn’t know much about me because I wasn’t allowed, but even that I couldn’t do. I had to follow so many rules for my well-being that I wasn’t able to do anything without thinking and considering the consequences of my actions.

“Have you remembered anything yet?” She asked and I shook my head. I lowered my head in order to avoid her eyes. I didn’t like to lie to her, especially because they were being so kind to me.

“You don’t need to feel sorry or sad, HyeJin. Your memories will come back eventually.” She lifted my chin and smiled softly at me. “Let’s go to my bedroom. I have a picture of your parents there and I can tell a bit of your life.” She grabbed my hand and I followed her out of my room. It was still weird to call that room mine. I wasn’t used to have personal things. I looked behind and I smiled slightly at JongIn who was following us. I walked slowly in order to let Jongin reach my side. He smiled and we walked side by side to her bedroom.

“Well, sit down and listen carefully to me, HyeJin.” I obeyed and waited for her to begin talking. “Well, your father, Oh Kang Woo, met your mother for the first time here in Korea. Your mother’s name was Nittha Jirayungyurn and she was thai. They met in the university and according to JaeHyun, it was love at first sight. Apparently, your mother was in her last year of high school and came to visit Yonsei University which happened to be the university where your father was taking his first year of Biotechnology. She bumped into him and like in those dramas from the TV she fell on him. Their eyes met and they knew they would spend the rest of their life together. During her stay in Seoul, they would go on dates and spend as much time as possible together. When the day of her departure arrived, they swore to talk through social network and so their love kept on blossoming. The distance didn’t stop them from loving each other, but everything changed when he went to visit her in Thailand. They had their first time and your mother got pregnant of you. She wanted to tell him so badly, but her family didn’t let her. They kept on talking with him knowing nothing because she refused to completely keep him away of his life. When you were born, her family gave her an ultimatum. Either she would give you for adoption or she could forget that she had a family. There’s nothing stronger than the bond between a mother and her child, thus she chose you and her family abandoned her. A friend welcomed her into her house and she let you grow a little older so that she could fly back to Korea where your father was. Afraid of your father’s reaction, she showed up in front of his house and as soon as she saw him, she couldn’t help but cry. She was so afraid of losing him, but your father welcomed you as if he had been there the whole pregnancy. With the help of a friend your mother has registered the whole pregnancy so that she could show it to your father. You were their baby girl and they loved you a lot. His family accepted both of you as a family member and your parents overcame all difficulties. You grew up in a healthy home with a caring family, but then there was a tragedy that left you as the only survivor of the Oh family. Your family decided to go on holiday to Thailand so that you could see your native country, but the helicopter crashed and you were the only survivor. You were in a coma for a few weeks and JaeHyun just discovered about you only two weeks ago.” I just stared silently at her. She hugged me and made comforting moves in my back. “You don’t have to hold your tears back, HyeJin. It’s okay to cry.” Tears started falling, but not for the reason she was thinking.

How could he just lie to his lovely wife like this?

I didn’t even know if those people existed or not and yet I felt sorry for their involvement in that man’s lie. If they only knew how much I wished that story were true. That way I would at least know a little about my parents. What’s their name? How have they met? Did they love me? Is it HyeJin even my true name?

“I know that it’s sad, but at least they loved each other and you while they were alive. Now they are watching over you from the sky.”

“Why are you all here?” I parted from Doyeon and wiped my tears away as soon as I heard his voice.

“I was telling HyeJin about her parents,” Doyeon answered with a smile, not knowing that everything was a lie.

“Well done, honey. It’s easier for her to assimilate everything if it‘s you telling it instead of me. Now it’s my turn to show her a bit of her past.” He grabbed my hand and I followed him, begging in my head for them not to let me alone with him.

Once we were in his office, I was thrown harshly to the floor and held a moan back.

“Do you think I didn’t notice what you did this morning?” He kneeled in front of me and grabbed my fringe to make me look him in the eyes. “Who am I to you? Use your voice to answer or your punishment will get worse.”

“O-Ow-Owner,” I whispered scared because it was the first time someone was using my silence as a threat. My voice cracked a lot because it hadn’t been used for a long time.

“That’s right. And as your owner, I’ll forbid you to eat for two days. If I find out that you have eaten anything during your punishment, I’ll have to use violence and trust me when I say that I’m trying to go easy on you in the beginning.” He let go of my hair and stood up. “Get out of my view.” I stood up quickly and walked out of the room. I ran to my room and laid down on my bed. I was thankful that he just forbid me from eating because it was a real soft punishment and it was really easy for me to obey it. What I had eaten at the lunch break was enough for me to hold on.

“HyeJin, do you want to eat with us?” JongDae had asked and had pointed at himself and Chanyeol who was smiling. I’d asked myself if he was always smiling. I’d looked at KyungSoo, waiting for him to answer for me.

“Use your notepad to answer.” KyungSoo had encouraged me and I nodded. I grabbed the pen ChanYeol offered me and I started writing slowly so that my handwriting was readable.

-I have to eat with my brother.-

“That won’t be a problem. He can come with us and KyungSoo too. Come on. I want to eat with my new friend and I can introduce you to our other friend.” I had never met someone as joyful as Jongdae and I didn’t want to ruin his joy. Joy was such a precious feeling that I wouldn’t dare to take it away from anyone. 

-I’ll go if KyungSoo and JongIn come too.- I had dared to put a condition and both had smiled at KyungSoo.

“Will you come, KyungSoo?” ChanYeol had asked with a husky voice and KyungSoo sighed before nodding.

“Then let’s go.” Kyungsoo had grabbed my hand and we walked towards the canteen.

“Are you two dating?” JongDae had asked and I had looked confused at him.

What does dating mean?

“Don't be stupid, hyung. I’m sure she doesn’t even know what that means. She feels anxious around people and feels safe holding someone’s hand.” JongDae had approached me and he’d grabbed my other hand.

“Now you’ll feel safer. Two people holding your hand is better than one.” He’d smiled at me and I hadn’t even protested. I’d looked at ChanYeol who was behind us smiling apologetically at me. I didn’t even know he was apologising for what.

“HyeJin.” I’d looked forwards and I had let go of KyungSoo’s and JongDae’s to run towards JongIn. I’d stopped in front of him and I’d showed him my gift, excited. Then, I wrote something down and I showed it to him.

-Look what JongDae oppa gave to me.- I’d showed it to him again and he smiled at my enthusiasm.

“It’s very beautiful. Who is JongDae?” He had asked and Jongdae had introduced himself.

“That would be me. I’m Kim JongDae.”

“You. You’re the boy from the shopping centre.” JongIn had said.

“Indeed I am. You must be JongIn, her brother.” A smile would never leave JongDae’s face.

“Hello, JongIn-ah.” KyungSoo had interrupted their conversation and JongIn had smiled at him.

“Hello, hyung.”

“Hello, JongIn. I’m Park ChanYeol, your sister’s classmates.” ChanYeol had introduced himself and Jongin had smiled cordially at him.

“I see you’ve got yourself a group of bodyguards.” JongIn had ruffled my hair and I hadn’t understood why they had started laughing.

“Well, we asked your sister to join us for lunch, but she said that she would only join us if you come with.” I’d looked at JongIn, expecting his answer. Deep inside I was hoping for him to accept the offer because I would rather eat with them than with his friends.

“I would like to.” I’d smiled at him and I’d hugged him happy for his decision. “I’ll just inform my friends that I’ll eat with you.”

“Okay.” I’d followed JongIn to the desk where his friends were already eating and I’d waved at them.

“Hi, JongIn. HyeJin.” They’d greeted us.

“I won’t eat with you today. My sister’s friends invited us to eat with them and she’ll feel better if I’m with her.” JongIn had explained.

“Okay. See you in class.” TaeMin had said and the others had kept on talking among each other.

“Go meet the others. I’ll grab our food.” JongIn had said and I’d walked towards JongDae who was waving at me so that I could find him. I’d sat between KyungSoo and a boy I didn’t know.

“Hello, HyeJin. I’m LuHan. Nice to meet you.” He’d stretched out his hand and I’d grabbed it hesitantly. “I’m sorry that you have to put up with those two.” He had pointed to JongDae and ChanYeol. “I’ll punish them later on.” He’d looked seriously towards them and I’d opened wide my eyes and grabbed his hand. I’d shaken my head desperately and I’d lowered my head.

“Hyejin, what’s wrong?” JongIn had asked and put quickly the trays with food on the desk.

‘No. No. No. I didn’t mean to cause them problems. They can’t be punished because of me.’ I’d kept shaking my head.

“HyeJin, he didn’t mean it for real.” KyungSoo, who was the only one to understand me, had said to calm me down, but I’d wanted to hear it from his mouth.

“It was just a joke, HyeJin.” LuHan had said and I’d calmed down a little bit, but wouldn’t let go of his hand. Something that JongIn had once taught me came to my mind and I had held the pinky out. “Do you want me to promise it?” I’d nodded and he’d locked our pinky. I’d smiled satisfied because he wouldn’t break our promise and I finally let go of him. “I’m sorry if I scare you. I was just trying to be funny.”

“Did you see it, ChanYeol?” I’d looked to JongDae who was holding hands with ChanYeol. Both had seemed to be about to cry. “She tried to protect us.”

“She saved us from hyung.” ChanYeol had wiped with a finger a tear couldn’t see.

“Guys, stop it. You’re just confusing her more.” KyungSoo had said and both had let go of each other but had kept a smile on their face.

“You’re so cute.” ChanYeol had squeezed one of my cheeks. I got surprised that I hadn’t flinched seeing his hand coming closer and had smiled at him.

“HyeJin, here.” JongIn had given me my tray and I’d waited for his permission to eat. He’d nodded and started eating. I’d grabbed the chopstick, but I still couldn’t use it properly because they would give me cutlery instead of chopstick at home.

“HyeJin,” LuHan called me. “Observe.” Slowly he had shown me how to use them to eat rice and then I’d tried myself. I’d smiled when I managed to bring the rice to my mouth.

“Well done.” They’d praised me and I’d tried again, succeeding again. I had been the first time for me to eat a whole meat without JongIn having to feed me.

“You did well, Jin.” JongIn had ruffled my hair and I’d smiled proud of myself.

“Here.” ChanYeol had handed me what seemed to be a candy. “That’s a chewing gum.” He’d put it in his mouth and had chewed it before that a ball had come out of his mouth. I’d tried to touch it, but it had blasted off as soon as my finger had touched it. I had pouted and small tears had come to my eyes as if I were a child again. “You don’t need to cry, HyeJin. Look!” He had made again a ball out of that strange candy and I’d looked fascinated at it.

“I’m happy to see that there are finally some men in your life to show you that men can also be kind to women.” I looked up and smiled at the owner of that tender voice.