Just one more chapter after this, I swear!

Having Eunji over at his place changed a lot of things about his life. For one, he didn’t have to fret every night about what he was supposed to do the next day, if he would manage his limited time of two hours before work to squeeze in all the household errands and everything related to Miru that he had to complete. Mornings were always the worst for him, with doing the laundry, wringing the clothes, making breakfast, preparing Miru for school and getting ready for a heavy, long day of work every day. When the mornings got the best of him, he’d always have a slight, back-tracking moment of hatred and resentment towards Hayoung; for leaving him behind with the work of two people, with worries and responsibilities of the both of them, solely because she couldn’t ease herself into her new life. It wasn’t that Sung gyu had come into terms with sudden parenthood himself. He also had his moments, doing a tough, time and energy consuming profession that he didn’t really enjoy and coming home to deal with a deranged wife. Neither of them had it any better; but while Sung Gyu persevered, Hayoung decided to give up and simply walk away into sunny islands and exotic forests, live a life she had always desired, and he hated her, at times, for doing that to him.

Ever since Eunji moved into his flat, nonetheless, Sung Gyu had been rather peaceful in his mind. Despite the fact that the entire responsibility of Eunji’s life weighed down on his shoulders, he still felt that he had someone to rely on; at least with the many things in his life he was worried he couldn’t fulfill. He felt as if Eunji had more responsibility of him as a voluntary caregiver than he had on her. He hadn’t done much, comparing to how Eunji committed herself to supporting him, always tallying it up to mere gratitude. She prepared Eunji for school, she made them breakfast, she even ironed his clothes and sometimes did the washing when he was too tired and slept long. There were a couple of times when Sung Gyu woke up to her having completed almost everything he had to do each morning. Miru will be sitting in the kitchen, having breakfast, in her usual spring-time attire of tights, skirts or dresses, her hair put up in neat plaits which Sung gyu could never do as perfectly. He’d find Eunji in the bathroom doing the laundry or in the kitchen, making him his morning coffee, dressed in jeans and over-sized T-shirts which seemed to him have been purchased from second hand stores, her hair in a messy bun or two plaits, a red bandana or a cap on her head. Her appearance looked extremely odd and contrasting in his dull, family-home kitchen. She looked like an exotic creature who had landed here by mistake and couldn’t escape. Unlike Hayoung, in her fancy dresses, fitting jeans and glamorous shirts which showed a little too much of her skin to his liking. Hayoung was a prim and proper lady, a lady made to be a mum, who could never really find herself to be one; while Eunji looked like he had picked her off the streets to run errands for a pay, and yet acted perfectly well as a mother would. He hated that he was making that comparison. But naturally, he had felt that it was more comforting to find a calm and cheerful Eunji, casually moving about in the house and doing her thing like it was truly her responsibility, than he felt with Hayoung; always worried, always angry, always complaining. He hated to make this comparison; yet, no matter how he looked at it, Eunji always seemed to win.

Three days later, Eunji suggested that she pick Miru up from the day-care Centre on the way from work since she closed the studio in the noon during the rainy days. Sung Gyu was quite reluctant in the beginning, although he had no choice but agree since he didn’t feel right to adamantly reject her offer. He didn’t deem it as the best choice because, in any case, Eunji was still pretty much a stranger who had dangerous tendencies; not exactly the right candidate to handle a child on her own. His reluctance, somehow, took him a long way to the point where, on the first day of him allowing her to pick Miru from School, Sung Gyu had taken a day off and secretly driven off to see how Eunji was doing. Yet, to his amazement, Eunji made a splendid mother. Despite being able to drive, she had taken a taxi, which was too much to her pocket, and she even carried Miru in her arms through the drizzle from her school to the car. He of course, couldn’t see how things were turning out inside the taxi, neither could he hang around too close to them. Nonetheless, he drove all the way to Metropolitan plaza, and candidly watched as she got down the taxi, carrying Miru in her arms while Miru was busy telling her something or the other, pure excitement gleaming in her eyes; he watched her as she paid with her own money, hung Miru’s bag on her free shoulder and also held an umbrella, covering them from the drizzle. Something occurred to Sung Gyu as he sat in the vehicle on his own, watching them through the rain.

Guilt, realization, fondness, all at once. He had never seen so much of love given to his daughter from her mother herself.

There were moments that Sung gyu had wondered if Hayoung blamed him for complicating her life just in a matter of few months. The evidences were so obvious. Her sudden wrath, the anger she could hardly manage, her obsession with work, and her adamant attempts of bringing up Miru as the perfect, in-the-book, wonderful child. Hayoung hardly allowed Miru to grow and nurture on her own. She was always found, trying to fix her; from choosing her clothes and disciplining her when something went off the line or reprimanding her when she got tired of her childish banter. Perhaps she just grew tired of trying. The only problem was that she really didn’t have to try so hard. Miru was a perfectly ordinary child. The problem, indeed was with Hayoung, who lost herself in all the messiness of a new life and never reached out for help, but escaped.

Sung Gyu let Eunji take care of Miru in his absence after another day of quietly following her, and he never regretted that decision, seeing how wonderfully the two of them have bonded over the days. Soon they were almost inseparable, and Miru seemed to absolutely love her. Nonetheless, the same guilt and fear was eating him up inside. What if Miru really had forgotten Hayoung, what if it wasn’t a childish mistake of identifying her but she had indeed not an inkling of her own mother? Whenever this thought hit him, hard and ferocious, Sung Gyu would try to contact Hayoung over and over again. He phoned her, dropped text messages and DMs on SNS. Nothing seemed to work, as if she’s been a strange mystic being who had only existed in his life and had now disappeared from the face of the earth. Sung Gyu was scared. Not of her safety, but of her dissolving into the thin air as his new-found fondness grew. But to no avail, Hayoung still remained to be a mystery.

Later on that week, Sung Gyu finally set out the plan to solve her problem with the banking loan of the recording shop. On Sunday night of that week, he sat her down in the kitchen after having put Miru to bed and explained all the terms and information with regards to the repayment of her mortgage loan in purchasing the recording studio. She ran back into her house and dug out the relevant documents so that he could further gather knowledge on this particular loan she had obtained, and after having gone through the repayment methods (which was a certain percentage deducted from her monthly deposits, but apparently she hadn’t deposited funds since two months ago, which slightly puts her into the risk of reclaiming the possessions purchased from the loan, so and so), monthly interest and so on, he announced to her that they’ll be visiting the bank the first thing tomorrow. He made an appointment with the relevant department the next morning, ran the necessary house-hold errands with Eunji’s help, and the three of them, together, left the house.

After dropping Miru over at school, they drove off to the branch where Eunji had made her mortgage loan, which, unfortunately, wasn’t the branch Sung gyu worked at. Nonetheless, his identity as a banker from the same organization, despite it being a different branch, helped them a lot in settling her quest. After much discussions and negotiations and such regarding the contract and so forth, Eunji walked out with a rather bright face, which sure did mean something good, and he deemed it as worthy of him being two hours late for work, although it also meant getting scolded by his boss for the umpteenth time.

“So?” he asked her as the two of them walked to his car. “Everything is okay?”

Eunji shrugged, but the look in her eyes seemed to say otherwise. “Pretty much” she said, and a small smile appeared on her lips. The two of them got into the car, Sung Gyu hit the ignition and asked Eunji if he should drop her off at the studio.

“Well no” she said, and shook her head. “I mean, I’d be going to work anyway, but I’ve troubled you too much”

Sung Gyu took a surreptitious glance at his watch and let out a resigned sigh, realizing that he was just way too late to report for work. He might as well burrow himself under the road than going and making all sorts of excuses for his unforgivable behavior. “It’s not a trouble at all” he said then, and thought out his options, weighing them in both his hands as if he actually had many. Then he tilted his head and made a long hum.

“I was thinking” he began. “I better take this day off because I’m already too late to go”

His response, just as many others, wasn’t the most considerate. Eunji suddenly looked down, her eyes drooping, her smile apologetic. He soon realized his mistake and almost hit his forehead in frustration at his own tactless behavior.

“I am already too troublesome” she said in a small voice, and looked out the window, almost regretful. “Just drop me somewhere, I can manage myself”

“No!” Sung Gyu said almost too loudly, and it certainly caught her off guard that she looked up at him, surprised. He sighed, his hands grasping tightly onto the steering wheel, and shook his head. “No, I mean…It’s okay, I’ve been meaning to take this day off” he amended quickly.

“But…you said-,”

“I phrased it wrong, I guess” he said and made a small, awkward laughter for good measure. Then he looked out the windscreen, pretending to admire the golden afternoon sun and the clear blue sky above the road ahead of them. It was a wonderful day indeed. “The weather is too nice” he said, this time though, in sincere admiration, and turned to look at Eunji for her approval. “It will be a waste, don’t you think? If I didn’t take this day off?”

Eunji seemed unsure how she should react. Instead of saying anything, she just shrugged, and tugged a stray fringe of hair behind her ear. He felt as if he had already convinced her, and simultaneously saved the situation. He smiled, and took the turn on the opposite side from their desired destination. Eunji took a moment to look up and realize that they have indeed taken a different root. In a state of utter panic, she searched in his eyes, as if he was actually taking her away for man slaughter.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere” Sung Gyu smiled. “Do you have anywhere in mind?”

“Absolutely not!” Eunji exclaimed, took a deep breath and looked at Sung Gyu, determined. “Look, I’m sorry I took your time, but you really shouldn’t-,”

“Relax” Sung Gyu held out a hand, interrupting her. “Why are you acting up, even?”

“Because you just took a day off! Just like that!”

“Just like that?” Sung Gyu raised a brow. “What do you mean just like that?”

“Well I don’t know” She muttered and turned away, looking out the window as the trees aligned on the side rushed by in an equivalent speed as how they drove along. Then, as if it suddenly occurred to her; “Isn’t there a way to do those things? A formal procedure or something?”

He looked ahead at the road, gripped on the steering wheel, and sighed. “Okay, fine…” he said, picked up his phone, dialed his secretary and waited for her to pick from the other side.

“Hello, manager-nim” Bomi’s cheery voice came from the other end, and Sung gyu managed to catch the surprised look which appeared on Eunji’s eyes. Or was it…jealousy?

“Ah Bomi-ah” Sung Gyu started, making sure he sounded extra friendly, to wind Eunji up even more so. “Can you cancel all my schedules for today and mark it a day off? I’m not feeling quite well today”

“Is that so?” Bomi asked, sounding way too friendly for a secretary, as if she had noticed his intentions and was deliberately playing along. “How do you feel, Manager-nim? Is that the viral flu? Have you taken any medicine?”

Sung Gyu cringed at her tone, and he could already feel Eunji sending daggers in his general direction.

“I’m fine, Bomi. Just make sure you deal with the important tasks yourselves, okay? I’ll be there tomorrow”

After exchanging farewells which sounded even more too friendly for a manager-secretary relationship, Sung Gyu cut off the line and pretended nothing happened as he drove along quietly, his eyes focused on the road.

“You two sound close” Said Eunji, all of a sudden; and with spite.

“No” Sung Gyu blurted out, and shook his head, mostly at himself for having told an obvious lie. “I mean, yes…. like, she’s been my secretary for a long time”

“Oh…” Just oh?

Sung gyu cleared his throat, catching the tone of her voice. “It’s solely an employer-employee relationship, I swear”

Eunji rolled her eyes and looked out the shutter at the steadily moving trees. “Well, doesn’t concern me”

“Right” he nodded. Almost convinced. “Right…right”

But he was honestly disappointed that she didn’t seem as frayed by their friendliness as he expected. Where was the obvious jealousy? The doubt? The curiosity? Where were all the general female reactions to her congenial male friend talking to his other female secretary? He wanted to slam his hand on the honk and press it on and on as if that would summon the reaction that he expected; yet he refrained. He went on driving, on and on, allowing only the sound of the vehicle and the loud echoes of their own thoughts to dominate between them.

The long drive brought them, miraculously, to the Mapo-do bridge.

Residing in the Mapo district, and having to cross it numerous times despite all good reasons, Sung Gyu had never found courage to even relate anything to do with the famous bridge of life to the girl whose life he had saved. It was almost impossible, nonetheless. The metropolitan towers were just a few miles away from the bridge itself, and it had attracted the lives of so many broken souls, wandering the face of earth, swaying like a dead leaf in all the directions the wind would take it, and finally land themselves here. There was one time, not just one, several, times he had wondered if the heavy winds of her life had brought her floating to the railings of the bridge. He had wondered if she had ever, ever thought of taking her last flight down into the deep blue underneath; if she had ever wondered which last fall was the better. The fall down the or the fall down the metropolitan towers. The thought only made him feel sick in the guts, to even have wondered such a thing, to have thought that such a thing was possible. Even more so, when he thought of the fact that the first place he brought her to the first time of them driving alone was the bridge of life. He felt sick. He wished he could pass down the few kilometers the bridge stretched and simply drive into the city on the other side. He tried to ignore everything the best he could; the quotes on the railings, the statues, the photographs, the purple hues in the sky where it collided with the deep waters. He tried to ignore them all. But then, but then, Eunji said in a small voice. “Let’s stop here for a bit”

Sung Gyu wished, just wished, he just never drove through.

~*~

The salty, humid breeze kissed their faces warmly, as though welcoming them, the moment they got down the car. He had visited here only so many times ever since he moved into the Mapo province; with different girls on different date nights in different occasions. Never had he ever accompanied a girl who, deep inside, had the desire to follow as the namesake of the bridge. It scared him. Every bit of him. So much so that he wished he could grab her hand, shove her into the car and drive further and further away until the bridge on the ocean underneath disappeared from their sight, afraid that he wouldn’t be able to save her for a second, third time, if she tried to make the fly again. He had his eyes only set on hers, his hand hovering around hers which limply remained on her side, ready to grab and pull her into his arms if she ever, god forbid, did try. Every step he took matched the same pace as hers; and when they finally reached the railing, their eyes squinted against the sun and their skin parched and cold owing to the cold wind, Sung Gyu stood the closest he could be to her. Cautious, vary and afraid; afraid that he wouldn’t be able to save her.

“It’s beautiful” Eunji muttered, and Sung Gyu wasn’t even watching the scenery before them to comment if it was indeed beautiful or not. Beautiful, in his point of view, was completely different. It was the way her eyes formed crescent moons as she watched the nature’s wonders unfolding before her. It’s the way her hair danced in the breeze. It’s the way she shined, like porcelain, under the brilliant white sun. It’s the way that she was. It’s simply who she was. It was still beautiful, immensely. And he was afraid of losing her. Sung Gyu searched in her face for any sign of panic, distress, anything which could ring the sirens of danger. But all he could see was how remarkably breathtaking she was, how she was blinding him, making everything around her just blurry images, disappearing into nothingness until all he could see was her. “It’s beautiful” He replied himself.

Silence ensued afterwards; her deep in thoughts and him surreptitiously watching her, breathing in her beauty as if it’s all he needed to live. He wondered what she was so profound in, in her thoughts. What she contemplated in this quietness. He wondered if she thought of him, in the very same way that he thought of her.

But when she finally spoke, he realized, he’d been wrong.

“I’ve come here once, if that’s what you were thinking of” She said, and looked at him, a strange, sad smile was playing on her lips. “I came here to die. Just like they all did…”

A chill ran under his skin, down his spine, and his hand immediately reached out to hold her, protect her, but something about her smile just stopped him.

“I didn’t jump, of course. Even if I came here, thinking of doing just that, I lost my resolve to die the moment I came here and stood in the wind, all on my own”

“Why?” he asked, even if he wanted to stop himself. Eunji looked over at him, and a soft yellow flame was burning in her eyes. She smiled. “For the first time ever, I saw the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why. But for the very first time, I felt like I could live, actually live, like any other. I felt like I might have a reason for…”

Sung gyu smiled, and finally managed to take his eyes off her, relieved, and looked over at the horizon, at how the sky slowly took over a soft shade of lavender, welcoming the noon. “How did it feel? Seeing the other end?” he asked her.

“Wonderful. Indescribable” she responded, and there was a dreamy stance in her tone. “Nothing like I’ve ever felt before. I knew it was momentary. I knew it wouldn’t last long. Though I haven’t experienced anything like it, I knew for a fact that something like this never lasted long. But for that one moment, I wanted to believe, you know. I wanted to believe it was real. And I it felt so good. Being alive like that, just being able to live, and experience it. It felt so good”

Sung gyu nodded, nodded and nodded, turned to her and looked deep into her eyes, searching in those dark orbs for a slightest glimpse of that trembling little life inside her, her soul which always wanted to live. He couldn’t find it, as if it had finally grown bigger, stronger, and embedded into her. He grasped her arm across the railing, and she stared up at him.

“Then hold onto it” he told her. “Hold onto it, tight. Just never, ever, ever, let go”

Her lips curved into a soft smile. She was blooming, like a spring blossom. It was absolutely breathtaking.

“I’m trying” she whispered in response.

And he was so close to her. He realized, in a matter of seconds. When the wind blew harder, and her hair danced gently along the breeze, hiding her smile behind their splendor and when he breathed in her scent of sunshine and long summers, he realized that he was so close to her, so close enough to move another inch and claim her his own.

Eunji was the first one take note of the proximity. She pulled away, almost too harshly that it broke his heart. She turned back to the deep blue sea as if nothing ever happened. Sung gyu did so too, and with each breath, he attempted his best to calm down his wildly beating heart.

“There were two kids the second time I came here” Eunji continued her account, and it graciously brought Sung gyu back to his good senses. He focused solely on her words. “The girl was much younger than the other. Dressed in mismatched, shabby clothes, carrying all sorts of glowing things and lots of happiness than I’ve ever had…”

“And?” Sung Gyu pushed on. Eunji sighed and closed her eyes for a moment as if she was unearthing a memory from a long time ago. Her eyes fluttered open and she continued. “They were ripping a sheet of paper into tiny bits. The boy crumpled it into his hand and let it fall into the water. The wind carried them over the sea I think. But that should be okay”

Sung Gyu took a deep breath, already knowing the answer to his next question. “What do you think it was?”

“Her will” Eunji sighed, and looked down at the water below. “The will she wrote before she tried to kill herself”

“oh…” was all he could muster, feeling overwhelmed.

“I think he saved her…” She continued.

“You think?”

“Hm” She nodded, looked at him just briefly and turned away. A moment of quiet passed. Contemplating, again. Their minds wandering into magical places, far, far away from where they stood. Perhaps Sung Gyu’s thoughts haven’t gone too far. The subject of his contemplations was right before him, brilliant than ever. A sight so beautiful he could hardly take his eyes off.

“You know what’s best about coming here now?” She asked then, her voice; soft, serene, being carried away in the wind.

“Hm? What?” Sung Gyu asked, looking down at her tenderly.

Eunji smiled, and cupped with both her hands. In a voice so loud and clear that he was certain was carried miles and miles across the empty blue sea in the howling wind like a message to divinity, Eunji exclaimed to the whole world. “I’m still here!”

For some reason, it made him tearful. His heart swayed, and his face felt warmer, and the need to pull her into his arms was so strong. Perhaps, it was because he’s the reason why she still was, and he knew so. Perhaps it’s because it was the biggest achievement he’s ever made throughout his thirty years of dull, despondent life. Or perhaps, perhaps it was because he had fallen utterly, completely, unconditionally, in love.

“It feels so good” Eunji said to him, completely unaware of his mental turmoil, the turmoil which she was responsible for. She smiled at him, ever so beautiful, and it broke him apart just the same.

“Do you think the god heard me?” She asked as she stared out at the clear blue sky.

Sung gyu smiled, and instead of pulling her into his embrace and simply claiming her his own (not only because she entrusted her life to him, it’s still so much more), his hand reached hers, still resting on the railing of the bridge, where on the metal were the words ‘Have you eaten well?’, and grasped her tightly. His fingers laced through hers, cold against warm, large against small, roughness against tender, and they made a quiet, enigmatic exchange. A promise to hold onto each other for as long as time would last.

~*~

“Should we pick Mimi on our way?”

“Hm? Well, depends on where we’re going now”

A moment of silence. “Home, I think?”

“Home” Sung Gyu repeated, the word left a strange taste on his lips as if it was something unspoken of before. He looked down at his watch, one hand still resting on the steering wheel. “It’s quite too early I suppose” He replied. “Mimi hates to be taken home early. She loves it there at the day care centre”

A long hum indicating a moment of reconsidering options followed. And then she added in a small voice; “It will be awkward, only the two of us”

“It’s always only the two of us when Mimi’s asleep” Sung gyu clarified, and cleared his throat. “We can go somewhere else, if you want to”

“No” she shook her head. “I want to go home”

Sung Gyu nodded, smiled and took a different turn, a different route, changed the gears and drove themselves back home.

Upon arriving however, he happened to take note of a number of unusual things about his flat, all the way from the entrance to their block, down the corridor, to the front door. First, it was the familiar scent. The second was that whoever who had decided to make him a surprise visit had rather surprisingly not locked the front door properly, easily giving themselves away. He furrowed his brows in a confused frown.

“Mum?”

“Hm?” Eunji stared at Sung gyu, equally confused. “Someone’s broken in?”

Sung Gyu’s lips tightened into a thin line and more than one ting began to surge into his mind. “I know only one person who’d break in like this” He said, and just as he was about to push the door open, it wrenched back by itself, and by the foot of it was Miru, in her devil-horns headband and angel wings, her hair tied in two neat plaits and already changed into house clothes which rarely happened so early on a school day.

“Huh?” Sung Gyu looked down at his child as if she had just teleported herself in front of him.

“Daddy!” She greeted, hopping up and down in delight. “Daddy’s home early!”

Just as expected, Sung Gyu’s mother’s voice echoed from inside. “Mimi-ah, is someone at the door?”

Eunji was now staring up at him, panic stricken, her face gone pale as if she’s just been caught doing an unforgivable felony. Sung gyu was equally surprised. He never expected for his mother to come visit him so suddenly, unnoticed. She usually notified him of her arrival at least three days before she took the train. Since she hasn’t stepped out of Jeonju much, Sung Gyu’s mother was rather dull with directions. She knew pretty well how to take the train from his home town to Seoul; but the way from the station to his house was a blurry set of directions in her mind. He’s always had to drive to the station and gather her from there every time, and this was a first; a strange, unexpected surprise. But rather than being happy for her achievement, Sung Gyu was rather worried.

And it was not the only thing he had to worry about.

“Did you tell her I was staying over?” Eunji hissed under her breath as she surreptitiously peaked into the house. “Would she murder me?”

The thing was that he couldn’t exactly make promises that she wouldn’t murder her, or anyone. Despite her old age, Sung Gyu’s mother could be pretty scary at times. It was understandable. He was her only child, after having lost her only daughter to the demons of life. Sung Gyu’s always been her baby; the youngest, the pampered one, the one who always had to get his mother’s approval before bringing a girl into his life, let alone his house. And she was never the one to take it lightly when Sung Gyu had kept something from her. The last time he did, it was when Hayoung left; and the moment she found out (which was over a drunk phone-call from his part where he rather unconsciously revealed to her how his wife walked away with another man who looked like a magazine pictorial) she came all the way to Seoul and slept a day at the station, crying, until the police got involved, and it wasn’t all that pretty.

“Well…” he began in a low, uncertain voice, wondering what he must do next to save the situation. Should he just send Eunji back to her house and explain everything to his mother before they properly meet each other? Or should he simply let things to take their course and see how they will turn out to be? But with his mother; emotionally unstable in many aspects due to losing her loved ones in tragic, unfortunate circumstances was unhealthily possessive of the only closest family she had, it was almost impossible to make elucidations. She protected him at all costs, from everything she deemed potentially dangerous, and the biggest predator in her eyes were the ones who had broken her son’s heart the most; women.

“Well...?” Eunji gave him a curious look.

“Sung Gyu-ah, is that you?” Came his mother’s voice from inside, taking her merry time to come across the small confines of the house. He had enough time to shove Eunji back into her house for the time being, to stop his mother from getting at her, to stop Eunji from getting her momentarily steady emotions back on the brink of falling. But between that time of contemplation and actually doing it, Sung Gyu’s mother made her way towards the front door, and stood there, quietly, looking at the two people standing there back and forth.

“Ah Sung Gyu” She said acknowledging him and pretended to not be fazed by the appearance of the strange woman in his company though Sung Gyu perfectly knew how she must be feeling inside. “You’re home early. Did you not have much work today?”

Eunji seemed slightly deterred by the fact that she was blatantly ignored. She looked over at Sung Gyu as if asking for explanation. He bit his lip, and made up his mind. “No, mum…” he started, took a deep breath and a step back, placing a hand on Eunji’s waist which instantly made her stiff. “Mum, I was with Eunji the whole day, helping her out with something important, and just got back to drop her home”

His mother looked her up and down as if she was an exotic museum exhibit and turned to Sung Gyu with a questioning look. “You never told me about an Eunji” She pointed out to him.

“Well I should have” he mumbled, looking down at her rather guiltily. “But I didn’t want to, you know…alert you all of a sudden. And if anything, let me properly introduce her”

“Well you better do” She replied sternly.

Sung gyu searched in Eunji’s eyes, looking for any sign of warning or discomfiture, but all Eunji did was nodding at him, urging him to go on. So he did. “Mum, this is Jung Eunji, my neighbor and a good friend of mine who helped me a lot with Mimi and things at home, and Eunji, this is my mum”

His mother softened up a bit at the mention of her helping him out at home, but if he knew better, he’d know that it was no way ground of acceptance when he had hidden the truth from her before and even now. Sung Gyu’s mother knew him like an open book, like all the mothers did, and she easily read him off the first page when anything associated with a woman happened. She knew when Sung Gyu suddenly announced a wedding with Hayoung, that he had gotten her pregnant without even taking a single glance at Hayoung herself; and she knew when Sung Gyu stalled on visiting her together with family for a long time, that something must have happened and that they have split up. And when she looked at Sung Gyu’s hand hovering behind Eunji and the uneasy look in his eyes, Sung Gyu knew that she had easily caught up. And also didn’t approve of it either.

Luckily though, before anything happened, before he went to the extent of disclosing the recent events, Eunji stepped in to save the situation.

“Um, hello, Sung Gyu’s mother, it’s a pleasure to meet you” she greeted and bowed deeply, politely. “He was just helping me to settle a mortgage loan at the bank which I had a few complications with. I must go back now. It’s getting late”

“Sung Gyu’s rather good at that” said his mother in a gentler tone and gave Sung Gyu a strange look. “He’s just terrible with women, that’s only why I was concerned”

“Mum!” Sung gyu grumbled, but his mother was already laughing as if what she just said meant no harm. “Anyway, It’s good to meet you too. We will see you around then”

When Sung Gyu’s mother turned to leave, Sung Gyu, feeling rather lost and miserable, looked over at Eunji in obvious desperation. He had just pulled her out of her misery, he had just brought her back from the very bridge she had attempted to take her life on; there was no way he could leave her on her own. But if he back tracked and revealed everything he had kept away from his mother, it would only put her in a worse spot. He felt horrible. He wished he could just run away.

“No it’s fine” Eunji mouthed at him when his mother was away from ear-shot.

“But Eunji” He mouthed back, a look of utter desperation in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know”

“We’ll talk later okay?” She whispered as she walked backwards towards her own flat. “I’ll call”

“But I don’t want to leave you alone” he whispered in return. And added, in just a slightest breath. “I’m scared”

This made Eunji smile rather fondly. Her eyes gleamed. Her cheeks reddened and she stopped in her tracks. She was beautiful that he felt so much like running to her and holding her close.

“Hey, I’ll be okay” She said with a smile and shook her head. “I won’t do anything. I’d be good”

“You promise me that, Eunji” He said, and took a step towards her, against his better judgement to not to, because if he walked even further, he’d just grab her and make her his own. “You promise me”

“I promise you” She smiled, walked towards her door and turned back towards him, only to grace him with another one of her heart-melting smiles. He felt his skin tingle, heart in a dilemma of running to her and holding back for her sake. He was lost in her eyes. She then held out a hand and waved him good bye. “I’ll call you” she said. And when she disappeared behind that door, he could swear she took his heart along with her own.

~*~

While his mother busied herself in the kitchen, and Mimi played on her own in the living room, Sung Gyu paced back and forth from the doorway to the sofa, deep in his thoughts. His thoughts varied from himself, to Mimi, to his mother and then Eunji. He wondered how he should reveal the truth to his mother, about Eunji’s sensitive condition and his true purpose of associating with her and even about how things have taken a completely different course as of now. He wondered how much Mimi must have revealed to her at the moment, and how much she already knew, having caught up with his lies. He wondered, finally, how he should approach these complications with his heart. What was it trying to tell him, anyway? Why did it run out of momentum whenever he sees her smile? Why did he go breathless every time he caught that daring look in those blinding eyes? Why did he feel like he had yet again, at a crucial age at that, developed a silly high-school crush on a beautiful girl, and not going for it like a real, grown up man? Why her? Of all people. Why now? Why did he lose his purpose? Where is self-righteousness, anyway?

Between this pacing and thinking and reasoning out with his conscious and his heart, his mother had found herself addressing his strange behavior. He heard her call once, twice, and when he turned towards where the voice was coming from, she was standing there, looking at him from the doorway.

“What are you doing, walking and making such noise?” she asked him, and a guilty crimson descended into his face, like he’s been caught doing something bad. “What’s up with you, Sung Gyu?”

“Nothing” he said, and shrugged deliberately, as if to prove his point. Miru looked at him, rather bored. He thought she’d speak up and ask of Eunji’s whereabouts. But then she just turned back to her toys and he could finally breath.

“Well, if that’s nothing which worries you, why don’t you just come and help me make dinner?”

He smiled, still embarrassed and followed after her into the kitchen. For a moment, as he sat quietly, peeling vegetables, he thought she was going to ask him about Eunji. Why did he turn red when she smiled? Why did he protectively hold a hand behind her? Why did he look so obvious when he lied? Who was she to him anyway? Just what were they? But the questions never came. The questions which did, weren’t the ones he expected. Other than the silence dominated by the sound of the cooker and chopping vegetables, her voice sounded just once in a while, asking him of his well-being, about Mimi, about Hayoung, whether they talked recently, whether he knew when she’d come back and if they ever came to an agreement with filing divorce, so and so. He responded to all of them rather distractedly in monosyllables and short sentences. His mother seemed not to notice of his discomfiture, perhaps assuming it was sensitive material for him. In the end, she let go and went on to tell him about herself. She’s come with his cousin Howon, apparently, who drove her hear from the train station. She’s been invited to stay over at one of his aunts in Incheon, where she’d be heading off to, tomorrow. She also mentioned a few unimportant things, like befriending the girl from the dentist who had gold teeth and the like. He didn’t mean to not to listen, on his defence. It was just not the right time. It’s been too long. He was already dying to hear from Eunji and maybe even go see her. They’ve been away from each other for way too long.

Dinner was a dismal affair with minimal words spoken from his part while Miru and stories from her school cleared the silence. Sung gyu was particularly alert of her disclosing anything related to happenings from the past few days, but much to his confusion, she mentioned absolutely nothing, and his mother asked absolutely nothing, as if Eunji was all but real in their eyes. By the end of dinner, then more than the urge to run to her, he was worried about why Eunji was suddenly a non-existent matter for Miru. Did anything happen? Or was she just being secretive as much as her father was, deeming that it had to be maintained a well-kept secret? When Sung gyu put her into bed that night, as he lied next to her, running his fingers through her soft, dark curls, as he felt the warm skin of her cheeks on his fingertips, he thought about her mistaking Eunji for her mother. He was concerned.

“Mimi, when did grandma come?” he asked her in a small voice, worried if his mother would hear, although all sounds were drowned by the sound of the late-night drama series on the TV.

“Grandma came to school” Miru replied sleepily, and pouted her lips.

“She did?” Silence. He looked down at Miru, at her rosy cheeks, her sleepy, drooping eyes and thought if he should even ask this, but he had to. He just had to.

“Mimi, did you talk to grandma about the lady who was staying with us?”

“Umm…” Miru looked up at him with doe eyes which seemed to say something, perhaps more than he preferred to hear. “Grandma asked if someone came over. She said the house was very clean”

Sung Gyu’s heart began to raise. He wanted to know more, but he couldn’t push Miru even further and scare her. But Miru continued herself. “Then she said there was some ladies’ things were in the bathroom and asked if mummy was home. I said it wasn’t mummy but daddy’s friend”

“Oh” his heart beat went higher and higher until it was on the brink of bursting. “W-what else did you tell her?”

Miru pouted and thought hard despite her sleepy state. “She asked if mummy will come back, I told her that she is in forests, and daddy said she still loved me. So she said she loved me too. And she asked if the lady was nice. I said she was. That we played with bubbles and went on a big adventure and went to a big house with her and made kimchi.”

“A-and?” by now, he had almost lost his voice.

“And she asked if daddy was happy…” Miru said, and thoughtfully looked up at him, searching in his eyes. “Daddy, are you happy?”

Something snapped inside him, and he felt warm in his eyes. It seemed like everything was slowly falling into place for him. There were the loopholes, there were still too many things to solve. But he was happy, and her asking him that was enough to make his heart burst. “Of course I am, sweetheart” he sobbed and kissed her long on her forehead. “Daddy is happy, and he loves you a lot. So you should be happy too, okay?”

“I am happy, daddy” Miru mumbled sleepily, and snuggled into his chest, her hair brushing against the exposed skin on his neck and her breath slowly evened, a sure sign she was drifting off to sleep. Sung gyu quietly massaged her scalp and her cheeks even longer, making sure she wouldn’t stir awake. Once he was certain she was deep in her slumber, he slipped off the bed and sneaked into the bathroom. Just as Miru had said, there was Eunji’s bag of toiletries right next to his cosmetic items on the bathroom cabinet, as if they were always meant to be there, sitting together; a secret of their own.

~*~

Over in the living room, Sung Gyu’s mother had passed out comfortably in the, now devoid of washed laundry, sofa seat. He quietly tip-toed over to the television set, turned it off, grabbed a flannel from the folded pile of clothes nearby and covered her with it to the neck. He looked down at her old, worn out face, traced the contours of her old age and sighed. She had aged significantly, especially after the death of his father, as if it only switched on the button of her aging process to happen faster. Her graying hair loosely cascaded around her and a constant frown remained between her eyes; it was hard to tell if it was due to the wrinkles or the troubles he’d been giving her. He felt bad for having hidden so much from her this whole time. But then, he didn’t want to worry her. For once, he wanted to take the matter of his life to his own hand and inform her once it had all worked out, to prove her that she could finally stop worrying about him and begin to look out for herself. He felt terrible that she had to find out this way.

He kissed her softly on her forehead, dimmed the lamp and turned up the heater to fight off the coldness of the spring night. Then he returned to the bathroom, grabbed the bag of toiletries left behind and slipped out of the house like a meekly little mouse would escape a heavily sleeping hunter cat. He felt as if he just ran away from home, like a teenager.

The corridor was cold and eerily quiet so early in the night, the either ends disappearing in complete darkness while the expanse between their house remained illuminated by the flickering fluorescent light. He crossed the corridor, passed the old lady’s house, stood at the step of her door and considered escaping back to his own house. It was the first time he ever came to her, knocking on her door like this in the middle of the night, and it made him equally uncomfortable. But her silence worried him. She didn’t even call him. Though that wasn’t what she promised him, Sung Gyu couldn’t help but feel betrayed.

He gathered his courage and knocked on her door; once, twice, then three times, before he waited for the longest two minutes ever and decided that he better go home and just ring her. But then, her voice came from the other side, followed by the sound of footsteps. The door opened shortly afterwards, revealing Eunji, wet from a shower, hair knot in a towel and another wrapped around herself, skin dusted pink and drizzled with droplets of water, a daring aesthetic on the beautiful contours of her shoulders and neck. Blood descended to his face and he lost his sense of self-consciousness. Without hesitation, the look in his eyes so transparent, he drank in her beauty.

“Oh, just let me get changed soon” Eunji mumbled then, her hand reached the slope of her chest, where his eyes turned so naturally and he held his breath. Even after she had retreated inside, he just stood there for a moment, befuddled by the sudden, unexpected toll of events, and it took him a while to realize what he did. He had the urge to run back home and hide himself under the quilt until the redness on his face left; but the purpose in is hands, and the bag still clutched on his fingers held him back.

Eunji returned soon after in an oversized T-shirt and sweats, her hair down and a towel around her neck, red from shower and embarrassment. Sung Gyu cleared his throat and turned away, trying hard to erase the image of her in a towel, so graceful and equally audacious, imprinted in his mind, and held out the bag in his hand. “Umm…you left this”

“You came all the way here to give me that?” She asked him, sounding surprised. “And come on in, you’re still outside”

He stepped in and the door closed behind him. It was then he snapped back from his thoughts and managed to look up at her without thinking anything any further. “well, it’s just two steps away”

“Eight, I counted” Eunji said and smiled, which made him smile in return. An enigmatic exchange. He felt his heart in his throat and all he wanted, just now was to grab her and hold her until the world falls away. But he refrained, and watched her as she retrieved the bag from him and dumped it on the floor beside the sofa. “I would have come over, but I didn’t want to worry your mum”

“You should have called” Sung Gyu interjected. “You said you would”

Eunji gave him a strange look; something between amusement and fondness. “You waited?”

“I did” He said, a blatantly honest answer which carried more than the mere sense of the two words meant. And perhaps she noticed this too. She smiled at him, her eyes reflecting the glow in his heart whenever she did, and asked him the first thing he asked her when they met, bringing back a heap of memories to him, making him smile.

“Would you like some coffee?”

Eunji made them coffee, and the two settled into the sofa with a flannel draped over their legs. She sat so close to him, so much so that he could feel her warmth against him, so tender, almost like a child, and he breathed in the sweet scent of her hair. Yet, their proximity didn’t bring him apprehension; concern that he might give everything away by a slightest, miscalculated and unrefined action on his part. Instead, it calmed him. Gave him a sense of serenity. It made him happy, just to feel her heat, to hear her speak, to hold her like this, to just feel her alive. Her very existence gave him so much of assurance and contentment. The biggest achievement he made ever since baby Miru happened, was indeed her.

They spoke of anything and everything they could think of. Sung gyu told her about his family, his parents, his old cat, and his job; how he met Hayoung and all the women he dated before her. He told her about Miru, her younger days and his hardships of raising her. And all through that, in subtle additions, he mentioned just how glad he was that she’s alive. Just how much her existence meant to him. With simple touches, not so deliberate, not so obvious. He proved to her the deepest desires of his heart. And she held him close as the night continued. Not in arms, since it would be too much for them despite wherever they stood as now, as a man and a woman. She held him to her heart, and he felt it; that warmth, that tenderness, that loved. And he needed nothing more.

She told him so many things too, in that low, serene, honey-le tone he could drift off to sleep just listening. She told him about her own childhood, of all the obstacles and endeavors she’s gone through until this point where she stood now. She shared all her memories of happiness and pleasure, the rare gems she’s cherished over the falls and disappointments. He learned so much of her; of her dreams and desires, of her commitments and sacrifices. She captivated him; a rare creature bloomed out of an ordinary girl whose quietness was louder than words. It proved to him so many things; and above all, he realized, between the time of her silently spectating the odd moments of his life and the moment he shared now, he had slowly yet certainly fallen in love with her. It had been a subtle slow process, seeing her, noticing her and admiring her. A process which had taken its course unaware to him.

Hours passed, and at some point or the other, they held each other so close that her head rested on his shoulder, facing each other, breath colliding, warmth comforting one another and aware of their proximity and company than ever before. Her hands rested on his chest, his were behind her, holding her close, and she gradually drifted into a quiet slumber in his embrace. Her warm even breath kissed the exposed bit on the crook of his neck, the flimsy white T-shirt he wore was dragged to a side by her tight grasp on him, as if she was afraid to let go. He watched her sleep, not moving once, afraid he’d disturb her angelic stance. His finger her cheek, tenderly, lovingly; cold, reddened fingertips against warm, pale skin. He ran them through her hair, brought his hand to the slope of her neck, and with his heart beating so wildly against his ribs like a fluttering butterfly struggling to break through, he slowly lifted her face towards him, and leaned down to claim her lips as his own.

But then, her eyes fluttered open by the surprising movement, her pale cheeks dusted a beautiful shade of crimson as she pulled away. Sung gyu could swear his heart stopped beating, he died, almost; astounded, embarrassed, slightly ashamed. He deemed that it was time that he put an end to this ethereal dream. But Eunji seemed to have other plans.

Just as he was about to pull the blanket off him, detaching himself from her grasp, she held onto him, even closer; sleepily, almost dreamlike, and placed her head on his shoulder once more. Sung Gyu’s breathing halted, just like that. Everything she did seemed to constantly break his heart.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi?” She called him in a soft whisper, and buried her face against him even more.

“Hmm?”

“Who am I?” She inquired, as if it was the one question which kept her up every night.

And he thought of it, long and hard. What did she mean, really? Was it that she wanted to know her place in his life? Or was it that she had merely forgotten her identity in a dreamy, sleep-drunk state?

“You’re Eunji” he said, looking straight ahead, and not daring to look down at her as she snuggled into his embrace.

She laughed, a soft, throaty one which was incredibly enchanting. “I know…” A whisper. A moment of silence. He caught his breath. “Who am I to you, Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

The question he had previously assumed it to be, and the very question which kept him sleepless at night. Who was she in his life? Where did she stand? In the life of a man whose wife left him with a daughter for another man, who stood in crossroads, afraid the past he’s holding onto like dear life would disappear, who was she?

“You’re the girl whose life I saved, I own, actually” he responded, because now that the fairytale lasted, he might as well play along with it.

“Ah, I entrusted it to you” she mumbled as if it occurred to her only then. A moment of quietness followed afterwards; her deep in thoughts, him listening to the slow, pacifying sound of her breath. She raised her head, her eyes tracing the contours of his face, and he kept himself straight, senses unified so that he wouldn’t fall apart under her gaze. “Who are you, then…. I wonder? Who are you to me?”

He chuckled softly and ran a hand through her hair. “Isn’t that obvious?” He asked.

“Is it, now?”

“Mmm” he nodded and looked down at her for a brief, magical moment when the world stood still. His breath caught up at the sight of her eyes, so beautiful so much alive; and he couldn’t help but feel he had given life to them, to her. He smiled. “I’m the man who saved your life”

This made Eunji smile in return, a beautiful one, and she snuggled against him once more. The room became quiet again, the sound of her voice leaving a trace of thoughts behind to wander about. He thought of what she asked him, he thought of what he’s been asking himself all this time. What started out as a mere rescue mission to stop another one of her sister happening because he feared death so much, had now ended up becoming the death and life of him. He loved her. There were no words to explain. But was it okay? Was this whole set-up acceptable? What if things went wrong at some point and all that he’d worked on, on saving her would crumble and fall into despair? What if it all disappeared in vain? It scared him. Everything did. The past, the present where they stood now, the future, who and where they will be? The unanswered questions, the qualms, the uncertainties. Everything scared him and made him brave at the same time.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi” She called again, and this time, Sung Gyu did look down at her, and he dared to look at her longer, waiting for her to speak and held himself together before he lost himself in her eyes. “Yes, Eunji?”

“Who are we? You and I?”

He continued to look down at her. He traced the shine of her eyes, the slope of her nose, the shape of her lips, the color of her cheeks, the frown between her brows; hope, fear, doubt, contentment, a mixture of emotions she so beautifully projected. And the courage he had to do this, to watch her bloom and glow in his arms proved to him more things than one. It was a challenge that he was willing to take up by himself, and he was braver than he’d ever be.

He smiled at her tenderly, and his arm around her brought her even closer to him.

“Does it matter?” He asked, a question which was more to himself, a thought asked out loud. “Who we are, what we do, where we stand now, are these the kind of things we should really think so much about?”

“Should we not?” Eunji inquired. “Did it never occur to you that this is…just strange?”

“No” Sung Gyu shook his head and looked down at her. “I’d rather not think of anything at all and live this moment, right now as who we are and how we please. As the woman who entrusted her life to me and as the man who willing took responsibility of it. Doesn’t that sound incredible already? What else do you suppose there need to be?”

Eunji thought of it, a moment of quiet contemplation. “You’re right, I suppose” she whispered in the end, and her voice suddenly sounded sleepy and dream-like once more. She was drifting away. “Just Sung Gyu-Ssi and Eunji…sounds good to me”

“Sounds perfect, sounds incredible” he added, and looked down at her for approval of his explanation. But in the matter of seconds he had spent on thinking of a few words and voicing them out, Eunji had already fallen into a peaceful slumber against him. He smiled, her cheek, and dared not to make another suspicious, audacious movement which would stir her awake. Things would come by when the time was right. He thought as he stared down at her dozing in his arms. But greed wouldn’t take him anywhere. He could lean down, close the gap between them and claim her lips as his own. Just a few inches, just a few seconds. Just one courageous move. But no, not like this, not now.