The birthday update. Happy birthday to myself! Haha!

The big adventure was something Sung Gyu invented ages ago when he and Hayoung were still together. She enjoyed shopping a lot, and it was something she did, habitually when she wasn’t in a good mood. According to her, shopping for things, regardless of whether you used them or not, was something which really boost her momentum. She particularly enjoyed shopping for perfume and cosmetic durables because that’s what she worked in, and she had this some exceptional kind of sense towards distinguishing a good scent from a presumably bad one, from a good French or Italian brand to a cheap rip off. Sung Gyu figured a long time ago that people had talent and passion in a number of things. Some could sing, some could draw, and some uniquely aesthetic and beautiful girls as herself had talents as unusual as drawing out a good scent. Sung gyu on the other hand, only had a talent of being whiny and boring and passing it to the next closest person, like an epidemic. So rather than flourishing his own capabilities, Sung Gyu worked on bringing out the rather unique one of hers. He took Hayoung out shopping at all times possible; to the shopping districts, to all the malls and even once, abroad (to Hong Kong) to support her in doing what she loved. Whenever she fell into a sour mood, he’d suggest they go out for a big shopping adventure, which then turned into the gig adventure, which somehow stuck to them, like their own little secret. And this continued for years, even after she got pregnant, they got married, they had Miru, all until the day she left. The big adventure, somehow, even after she abandoned him, sustained. For Sung Gyu, even if she was gone, the important things he used to do with her were hard to get out of his system. In fact, things they did together built a whole new way and simply became the system; and it was now a big part of him. Not doing their usual things beat him up with the notion of being left out, being lonely and simply being unimportant to the rest of the world. Doing their usual things, on the other hand, still kept their memories alive. Also, gratefully, Miru was a girl and was the exact resemblance of Hayoung, and she was a complete er for (except perfumes) all the things that Hayoung used to love. And the big adventure was somehow her absolute favorite.

But Eunji wasn’t one to appreciate the kind of things the ordinary girls did. (the trendy, the fashionable; the kind of girls who knew all the cosmetic brands, bubble baths and aromatic teas by their names and manufacture, like a mantra) She liked music, second hand guitars with the signatures of famous musicians on them, CD shops, vintage clothes, knitted hats, and things which required more of soul than expenses. It was quite hard to cooperate her into doing the kind of shopping that Miru liked to do. (And he was kind of, sort of glad that she didn’t go into one cosmetic store after the other, smelled perfumes, then go and complain to the store owner than a certain brand in sale was actually a rip-off) Miru just liked the normal four-year-old girly stuff; like dolls, play houses and pink, fluffy tutu skirts. She’d pick them out one by one, and Sung gyu tried to not to spoil her too much and told her in warning voices that she was only allowed to buy three things. So she’d check in one shop, browse until she found something she liked, go to another, and the cycle would continue. On this day, she opted to buy a pair of pastel blue and incredibly glittery fairy wings, a bottle of soap bubbles and a new stuffed cat with a crown on which she instantly named as princess. Then they bought hot dogs and cola from the plaza and sat on the bench near the fountain. Sung gyu sat beside Eunji and was glad that her steam had somehow passed. She looked…not happy. But okay.

“Daddy!” Miru called, and more than having her hot dog, she wanted to play with her new toys. She was holding up the fairy wings; She also wanted he bottle of soap bubbles opened. Sung gyu could never understand how those clumsy little four year olds could be incredibly active without even having a proper meal, even if the parents forced it one them.

“Sweetheart, we’re playing after lunch okay?” he said. Yet, in total contrast to his words, he was actually unwrapping the fairy wings for her as he said this.

“But I’m not hungry!” Miru argued, hopping up and down on her feet. “Hurry up daddy!”

When you’re fathering an adorable little girl, it was actually quite hard to keep up to your principles and rules. He wordlessly followed her and helped her into her fairy wings. (which also came with a wand, which had a led light in it, and it glimmered when you shook it) She picked up her wand in one hand and flew off into her own world as if he had attached her onto real wings. For a moment, she reminded him of Hayoung. Of how she flew away from him. Her free spirit which he could never hold back with him, not even with a baby who was her whole world. At times, it just scared him, thinking that Miru was her daughter, and the possibility of her taking after her mother was hard to evade. It was possible that she would find her own wings one day and fly away from the nest, his nest, to explore, wander through the exotic forests, looking for new things; and he would always fall back into square one. He would have nobody left then. And he would no longer want to be himself.

“Are you not going to open it?” Eunji asked all of a sudden, speaking into his train of thoughts.

“Hm what?”

Eunji laughed and gestured at the bottle of soap bubbles still in his hands. “That. I’m dying to go pop the bubbles”

Sung gyu laughed as well, relieved that she had really let out her steams during the big adventure and was back to her old self. He needed her to keep it. It actually looked like good improvement for the moment. So he unscrewed the cap and passed it over to her. “Be my guest”

Eunji blew bubbles; big and small, a series of them floating into thin air one after the other. Sung gyu watched her as she enjoyed herself doing this. In the beginning, there was only a tight frown on her face, which then turned into a pursed lipped blank face, and slowly, like a curtain being lifted off to let the white sun seep in, her face got color, her eyes got life; they turned into those crescent moons that he loved, and shined so livelily like a cluster of stars. Her lips curved into a smile, and then a laughter. She giggled as she poked the bubbles which lingered in the air, and as they popped, she laughed. She stood up, blew more bubbles, attracted everyone’s attention and became a child lost in her own little world in matter of seconds, it was beautiful.

Miru came running back to them, and doing all her cute ballerina poses, she began to pop the bubbles with her glittery blue wand, singing the numbers in a cheery loud voice. And then, much for his amazement, Eunji began to sing along too.

This continued for a moment, and all Sung Gyu could do was sitting there on his own and watch the scene unfold. All of a sudden, he was thinking back to Hayoung and Miru. Hayoung never played so much with the girl. She was almost always busy with her work, going to the store, coming back, making new natural scents, talking about perfume over the phone; aside from these, when there were moments where Miru was really involved, Hayoung was obsessed with keeping her neat and clean, dressing her up, brushing her hair, complaining and cleaning up after her mess. At times, Sung Gyu had to step in and offer to take care of Miru himself while she worked, which she did. But then when he let Miru do as she pleased, Hayoung would come around and complain, again, that he was spoiling her. It was sad now that he thought of it. Hayoung was always busy trying to be a mum, so much so that she missed out on being herself.

But when he made up his mind and stood up to pop the bubbles himself, Sung Gyu realized that he himself had been a huge part of it. He brought Hayoung into motherhood way too soon, and she probably couldn’t find time to adjust into the new lifestyle. It was him who should have eased ‘fun’ into their habitual lifestyle. But what he really did back then was just being a father, a banker and the husband he thought he should be. So maybe, just maybe if he stopped being solely a father to Miru and take up the likes of someone who actually enjoyed life and brought color into another, he could prevent Miru, or just about anyone, flying away from his nest.

He caught the bubbles in a clap, and complained that Eunji was so slow in blowing them, at which point she blew a whole lot right into his face and made Miru laugh hysterically, jumping up and down and making her wings flap against one another as if she was flying. He was lucky the soap didn’t get into his eyes. She tossed the bottle at him again, and as he stood there, blowing them, the two girls hopped around, popping them out. A moment later, some little boy who’s been watching the whole thing came around and began to pop bubbles himself, and Sung Gyu had to blow more of them, which was fine as well, because he was having fun. At some point or the other, through all the hopping and dancing, Eunji looked up and met his eyes. After days, he was seeing so much of life in her, like hope and dreams had finally returned to them. Sung Gyu’s hand lowered, He was suddenly in a trance. He beamed back at her then, and when she smiled, he knew. Everything was going to be alright.

~*~

“You know what my idea of a big adventure is?” Eunji asked as they walked their way back to the parking lot. Sung Gyu was carrying Miru because she wanted to be carried (Also while wearing her devil horns head band and angel wings, which was all quite contradictory in itself) while Eunji carried the things they bought. Sung Gyu looked over at Eunji and raised his brows. “What?”

“Going on a road trip. Getting lost. That kind of a thing” she said and swayed her hand which carried the bags back and forth.

“That’s the kind of an adventure that Mimi can’t have, surely” He pointed out. “She’s tiny, and she falls asleep”

“Well, you wouldn’t know unless we try” Eunji said. And then suddenly she stopped walking, a strange shine appeared in her eyes as if something incredible just occurred to her. “That’s right! Let’s go on a real big adventure” she then exclaimed excitedly.

Sung Gyu sighed, because it was the kind of a thing that he really couldn’t do, not with a toddler in his arms. Also, it wasn’t a point in his crisis plan. “Eunji…”

“No!” She clapped and began to hop, actually hop on her feet. Like a child. “I read this book once, and this lady, she drives around with her three-year-old niece in all the directions the kid asks her to take, and see wherever they take them to. We can ask Miru to give directions, you drive and we’ll see where we end up”

Sung Gyu was still unconvinced. “So, anything good came out of it? In the book I mean”

Eunji gave a non-committal shrug. “Well, they drove into some drug dealers and got the windscreen smashed”

“Right” Sung Gyu nodded.

“But that was in a book!” She said, now her voice was louder, echoing in the underground parking lot. “You don’t find drug dealers in real life. And it will be fun! Like getting a tarot card reading, or…or going on a cruise!”

“But still” He tried to further argue why it was a bad idea. “Mimi would definitely fall asleep in the middle of it, and I really don’t want to get my windscreen smashed”

Eunji rolled her eyes and walked over to little Miru. “Say, Mimi. Do you want to drive around the city?”

“Drive around the ci…ty?” Miru repeated, quite perplexed, and tilted her head. “What is that?”

“You know” Eunji proceeded to explain, and Sung gyu could swear, this was the most animated and excited that he had ever seen her be. “Daddy drives the car to places we’ve never been. Mimi can tell him where to go”

Much to his surprise, Miru so easily bought it. She held up her hands high in the air and the wand barely missed hitting him in the eye. “Yes! I want to tell daddy where to go!”

“But Mimi” Sung Gyu said in a mild voice. “You fall asleep. And you’re tired already”

At this, Miru held her wand straight ahead, like a gladiator holding out his sword and said in an irritated voice; “Nooo!! I’m not tired daddy! I don’t sleep!”

“See!” Eunji said and started to hop on her feet again. “She wants to go too! So it’s two against one. Just give in!”

Sung Gyu looked at Miru in his arms, suddenly bubbly and animated after she was given the big responsibility of staying up and giving directions; then he looked over at Eunji; who was excited and just…happy, in a way he had never seen before. This was the exact contrast of the Eunji from the top-most floor of the building he found three days ago. This wasn’t the Eunji who wanted to die. And her smile, so brilliant and so wonderfully reassuring, he couldn’t bring himself to let it wipe off her face.

You see, when you have two equally adorable girls trying to convince you to do something, and if one of them was your own daughter and the other…well, was the woman whom you have saved from death and was now a very dear person in your life, it’s just so hard to refrain yourself from giving in. There were the kind of men who could resist. There were those men who never got affected by the women’s incontestable charms. But Sung gyu, he has never been that strong. He just wasn’t one of them.

And it also occurred that these were the things that he couldn’t do for Hayoung, and his sister to prevent them from going away.

“Okay, fine” He said in the end, and with much effort, he gave in. “Okay…but we should get home before Mimi’s time for bed”

“Really!” Eunji jumped again and nearly hugged him. She would have, if not for Miru who hugged him first. Miru almost never hugged Sung Gyu. Not unless if she was sleepy and wanted to be carried from sofa to bed. It caught him by surprise; even more so, to think that Eunji almost hugged him too. It was so hard to get some love from the women he had around him, so he decided it was a good way to go.

~*~

So the three of them loaded into his car and Eunji even let Miru sit in the front because she wanted to give directions (and it was how it was in the book, according to her. Only except that the lady was driving and the man was in the back, but since the circumstances here were different, it couldn’t be helped. Also, Eunji couldn’t drive.) and simply got into the back seat. Sung Gyu was still wary of what he got himself into. He even considered pretending to drive as Miru say and take a different route home, then pretend to be shocked that Miru’s direction-saying has miraculously led them there; but he also couldn’t bring himself to lie to them. As much as he was in control among them since he was the oldest and was the father, he also had no control over their happiness. He had to let them have it in the way they desired; and whenever that was concerned, he almost had no say in it. All he could do was provide them what they need.

So he did as he was asked to. Miru wanted him to drive straight out of the shopping district (she didn’t know that’s what it was. She only wanted him to go straight, and as luck might have it, it’s the way out of the square) then to take the bridge to the other side and led him to the expressway which took them all the way to Yeouido. They got out of the expressway from the Yeouido exit, and then Miru suggested multiple turns and roads one after the other as Eunji cheered her on. Soon, Sung Gyu didn’t know what he was doing, because he was completely transfixed on following Miru’s orders as if he was immersed in some sort of a computer game. He didn’t know where they were driving to. The path they took was only a blurry set of random directions in his mind. The sun slowly began to turn golden orange and descended to the west, giving the sky hues of orange, crimson and lavender beams. They soon came to a long and wide expanse of a grassland, the tall grass stood almost touching the sky, and a narrow mud path fell through it, which, miraculously, could house the sizeable jeep they drove. And before them, in its glory was a sight Sung gyu had never known to exist in the curbs of the city.

It was the big blue; silent, unmoving, like a massive looming ghost, slowly swallowing up the tremendous sun as it descended to give space to the moon. The remaining beams made vibrant ripples on the ghastly blue sea, shining vigorously against the steady body of water. For a moment, Sung Gyu could feel his hands giving up on the wheels, completely entranced by the natural wonders. Yet, when Miru cheered at the sight unfolding before them, he drove on.

They were on a hill, and beyond the hill, after quite a slope downwards, was the coastline, the silent white sands constantly being washed off by the rolling waves. It was so quiet that even the hum of the wind came to them in a loud howling, and the soft, regular sound of the waves lingering on the beach was incredibly pacifying. Sung Gyu parked the vehicle on the edge of the hill and the three of them climbed out, only to be greeted by the salty spring breeze coming from the ocean.

“Daddy it’s the sea!” Miru screamed out her excitement, hopping up and down in glee. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, LET’S GO!” and she took off in a run.

“Sweetheart” Sung Gyu called, but he simply went unheard over Miru’s innocent enthusiasm for the sea. Miru wasn’t a difficult child. But she was also a child who liked to listen to her heart than her father. And Sung Gyu was a stubborn worrier, so the two of them had times when they didn’t exactly correlate.

Fortunately, however, there was another girl in the crowd who well suited her disposition. Eunji placed a hand on his arm reassuringly, said “I’ll handle it” and she also took off after her. Sung gyu just stood there for a moment, leaning against the car, watching the two of them trying to climb down the slope to the beach. It wasn’t high up, but it was slippery. Yet, if you fell, it wasn’t a bad one since you’d simply roll over to the beach. They got down somehow, and he watched as Eunji helped Miru out of her shoes and removed her tights. She took off her shoes as well, took Miru’s hand and the two of them stood on the sand, allowing the waves linger by their feet, their small, dark silhouettes a beautiful contrast against the lavender sky. Unconsciously, Sung Gyu thought back to his wife who walked away, and a guilty feeling over took him. Certainly, these were the little things he could/did never give her. He was so busy with fulfilling the bigger ones’ earning and fatherly responsibilities that he lost himself in this mess altogether and stopped seeing the need of the small details. They could have had a trip to the beach, gone to an amusement park, climbed mountains, gone camping; or at least just playing with soap bubbles and made them smile. He felt guilty because he now felt like he was compensating for everything that he missed out on giving her, by giving them to a girl he never even knew. Was it the right thing to do? He felt like he never even gave this effort to hold Hayoung back when she left. But here he was, trying everything within possibility to save the life of a girl that he hardly even knew.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi! Sung Gyu- Ssi, come on!” Eunji suddenly called from the shore, pulling Sung Gyu out of his train of thoughts. The two of them were waving both their hands in the air, trying to get his attention. It took a moment to realize that he was here, now, standing in this moment, and Hayoung was only the past he couldn’t keep up with. He looked at Eunji. He watched her smile. He watched as her eyes caught the shine coming from the impending moon and how her hair danced vigorously in the wind. He watched how she held onto Miru as if she was her own child. Suddenly, he didn’t feel bad anymore. He didn’t feel guilty. Of course he wasn’t compensating for the wife who walked away from him. He was only saving a beautiful life.

“Coming!” he called, ran to the edge, slid down the slope, took off his shoes, rolled up his jeans and joined the other two by the rolling waves. They continued to live in the moment, ever so gratefully from that point. The waves rolled on and kissed their feet, and the sky slowly turned from lavender to blue. Sung Gyu reached out and held onto Miru’s hand from one side, and Eunji held her from the other. Both of them looked at Miru, and then at one another. In a quiet, enigmatic exchange, then, the two of them acknowledged the fact that they were indirectly holding hands; And it was all good. It was all good.

~*~

“Did you like the big adventure, Mimi?” Sung Gyu whispered to his little girl as he settled her into the back seat. They’ve finally decided it was time to go home, and like predicted, Miru was already fighting sleep. Eunji was still by the slope, however, sitting on the grass in bear feet, giving Sung Gyu and his daughter the space that they needed. Or it was something else she was hoping to gain while doing that. Sung Gyu could never tell, yet he let her have her ways.

“It was good, daddy” Miru said sleepily and looked at him with a pout. Sung gyu pouted back and arranged her hair while staring down at her. She’s gotten a lot from her mother, except for the eyes, which were absolutely his. Her curly hair fell over her eyes at all times, and her fluffy cheeks were made of so much of love, he could tell. Looking at her was a constant reminder of his past, of the girl he truly loved, of everything he had lost. But somehow, between the time where he blamed himself for letting go of the love of his life so easily and the time he had come to accept his fate, Sung Gyu had gotten out of that phase of missing her. He didn’t miss Hayoung any longer. To fill that space she left, he had Miru, and all was fine.

“Daddy?” Miru called him, and then he moved to a side before patting onto the seat beside her. Sung Gyu raised his brows at her. “Do you want me to sit, Mimi?”

Miru nodded, and Sung Gyu followed. Soon as he did sit down, however, Miru reached out to him with much difficulty, put both her hands around him, and her soft fluffy lips touched his ear. “Daddy?” she whispered, and he was sure they were going to chare one of her little secrets. “Yes sweetheart?” he whispered back.

“Is she my mummy?”

Sung Gyu pulled back, a mixture of shock, sorrow and nostalgia surged into him rendering him speechless. The truth was that Miru had never questioned him of her mother. For all he knew, since the day she left, she was almost none-existent for her. She stopped being -fed as soon as she hit three, and it was around that time that Hayoung began to distance herself from the both of them. As a result, Miru only warmed up to her father, even though the time they spent together was minimal. Hayoung was a strict mother. She wanted everything immaculate, and so she’s always been trying to keep things in order when it comes to household work, her job and child rearing. Her stringent demeanor, perhaps, was what which set the mother and the child apart, somehow. He’d never judged, nor complained. He only loved her, for everything, so he could never tell. Nonetheless, Sung Gyu knew, for a fact, that Miru was never really entirely fond of her mother. But he didn’t think she’d disappear from her mind forever.

“Mimi” he whispered when he finally gained his composure. “You don’t remember your mummy?”

The child tilted her head, and he could almost see her mind whirring, trying to resurface something, something which connected her to her mother.

Finally, much to his disdain, Miru shook her head. “I don’t”

Sung Gyu pursed his lips and wondered what he could do. Was it right to get upset at her for not remembering? She was still very young, and a four-year-old couldn’t possibly have a clear image of a mother who left her a year ago. Was it fair that he felt this way?

But no. He wasn’t angry. Because after all, he knew that he was at fault.

“Mimi, sweetheart” he said and brought his daughter into his arms. “Do you know where mummy went?”

“Hm?” Miru raised her head. “I don’t know”

“She went on a big adventure” Sung Gyu clarified. “Not like the one you and daddy go, but on a bigger one. She got into a plane, flew to many countries, went to forests to pick flowers and fruits and find new scents and…and do things she loves” His voice was breaking as he spoke, but he continued. “Still she loves Mimi very, very much…it’s okay if Mimi doesn’t remember her. Mummy remembers you. She thinks about you in the other countries, in the forests, all the time. So it’s okay…” He sobbed then, in a very unmanly way, in a way he shouldn’t do when another woman was around. But he didn’t care. He pulled Miru towards him and kissed her long on her head.

“Daddy?”

“Hm?”

Miru searched in his eyes, a curious look in her own. “Daddy, can we go on a plane to a forest too?”

“To a forest?”

“Mmm”

Sung Gyu smiled and kissed his little girl once more. “Daddy will take you anywhere in the world. I love you, okay?”

“I love you too, Daddy” Miru said then, and snuggled into his arms.

~*~

The ride back home was quiet. Miru fell asleep in the back the moment they got onto the main road, and Eunji stayed silent since they got into the car that evening, only looking out the window, deep in her thoughts. Since they’ve come here after taking a series of random turns, it took a while for them to fall into the right track and find their way back; and by the time he exited the expressway and entered their own side of suburban Seoul, Eunji was also in a peaceful slumber, her head nestled against the door.

Once having arrived at home, Sung Gyu realized that Eunji had, yet again, pretty much retrieved into her own personal bubble. Perhaps it was exhaustion, or having had too much going on during the day. Perhaps it had something to do with her breaking up with Woohyun earlier on. He left her to her thoughts for the moment, since he was advised by doctor Jang, strictly, that she had to solve her personal problems on her own. She had to get a grip of herself, to take over the control of her life and not let the time and fate decide everything. And it was the truth. It was only the right way.

Sung Gyu changed Miru out of her clothes and put her to sleep. He lied down next to her on the bed then, and under the fine light coming from the street lamps, he traced her features, the features she’s gotten from her mother, the mother she no longer remembered. It was hard to believe that you tend to forget someone who, on their part, holds you dear to their heart. Perhaps it wasn’t applicable for a four-year-old. It was possible that a person she hadn’t long seen was a blurry memory in her mind. The question she asked while in the car could mean many things. It could be that Miru mistook the likes of her mother for Eunji’s appearance. After all, most women looked the same, and the two of them had pretty much the same physique and stature. But then, Eunji was more cheerful and light-hearted when she was with her, unlike Hayoung, who was strict and stern. Thus, it could mean that her little mind immediately decided the one who treated her to her liking, to be her mother. After all, you’d want someone who is openly lovable and affectionate to be your mother, right?

Yet, that wasn’t even the question. It’s okay for Miru to forget Hayoung. It’s okay for her to mistake someone else for her mother. The problem lied within him.

He was already enjoying too much with another woman. He had gone out of his way to do things for her, things which he clearly hadn’t put the effort to do for Hayoung. What if, through everything, he began to forget Miru’s mother as well? Hayoung left him for a reason. And the reason, which he couldn’t figure out entirely, definitely had everything to do with him. Yet, here he was, overlooking almost everything about the mess he was in, and allowing his heart to be swayed by another.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi?” A soft voice called from the doorway, and Eunji was standing by the entrance, a hand curled onto the wall and a concerned look in her eyes. She hadn’t come out of her shell yet. It was almost evident in her posture. He took one last look at Miru and finally sat up. “Yeah?”

Eunji hesitated for a moment, looked down at her feet and said in a small voice; “I think I should go back to my house”

Sung Gyu didn’t want it to happen, he was already hating it; yet, good reason won over his conscious, and alarm signals started to strike around his head. “Something went wrong with Woohyun, didn’t so?”

Eunji sighed, a tacit answer to his question. “It’s just not working, Sung Gyu-Ssi. I might as well give up now”

Sung Gyu climbed off the bed and walked across the room towards her. “We haven’t even started yet. You can’t possibly say it’s not working”

“But Sung Gyu Ssi” Eunji argued, or at least tried to; but when he turned and looked at her, she stopped herself. He sighed, looked around himself as if anything was going to step out and help him. But no. It was all left for the two of them to deal on their own. He reached out and took her hand.

“Come on, let’s talk over some coffee”

~*~

“Tell me, what happened with Woohyun” Sung Gyu started after he put the water to boil. “Did he threaten you again? What do you think went wrong?”

Eunji was quiet for a moment, just running her hand over the patterns of the table mats. He let her have her time. But she soon spoke out her concerns.

“It’s not Woohyun” She said in a small voice, but refused to look up at him. “It’s over, we’re done for. And I don’t think he would even try anything after this. He’s too prideful for that”

“Then what is it?” Sung gyu pried on. He just had to. He had to get to the bottom of this.

“It’s...it’s this thing” Eunji sighed, and began to run her fingers on the mats again. “It’s you and me and this whole setup, Sung Gyu-Ssi. You might not realize it, but it’s totally ed up”

“ed up?” Sung Gyu echoed, not understanding her sense. “In which way, Eunji? Why do you feel so?”

She went silent again, the kettle started to boil, then it clicked and came to a stop.

“I heard you and Miru talking in the car” she said.

This time, it was Sung Gyu’s moment to go quiet. Eunji took this as some sort of a retract, a failure from his part, a fault in the entire system running. She climbed up on her feet, pushing back the chair a little too roughly, and when she spoke, her words were coming out in a rush and spite, pent up frustration and all the things she’s been holding back behind her cheerful demeanor for three days.

“Miru has forgotten her mother. She’s forgotten her! And you’re here, convincing yourself that it’s alright because she’s out there, enjoying herself, so it’s OKAY that you suffer like this. You’re holding onto something which has already passed, something you don’t even really know about. Deep inside, you’re truly, completely ed up, Sung Gyu-Ssi. And that doesn’t qualify you as the one to help me out”

Sung gyu continued to maintain his quietness, as if that could actually help, but inside, he knew she was right. He was in his own mess himself, and by trying to bring out which of hers, he was only trying forget the things that he had to work on, as if it was a scheme to push everything under the rug and pretend he was alright. And did it help him in any way? No, he knew he didn’t. He could do everything within his capabilities to make himself forget the fact that he was in deep waters of his own problems, but that never really made them go away. Hayoung would still be gone, his sister would still be dead, Miru would still be the girl who’s forgotten her mother, and he would still be the man who’s lost himself through everything. And saving Eunji, truthfully, was a way to escape the reality.

“You don’t have an outlet” Eunji continued, this time in a milder voice. “You’re as ed up as I am. And I…I at least have you, going out of your way to simply solve the problems I have. But you…who does it for you, Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

Sung Gyu shook his head, looked up and met her eyes. The eyes which has now drained of life. “I might not have complete control over my life, Eunji. But I’m trying. At least I am”

“And does it make all that pain go away, Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

Sung gyu pondered it on, and it turned out that there wasn’t even anything to ponder about in itself. “It obviously doesn’t” he murmured, and looked down at his feet. “But I’m still here…”

Eunji sighed, rounded the table and came towards him. “This wouldn’t do” she said, and looked up at him. “Sung gyu-Ssi, talk to me”

~*~

And he did. Sung Gyu skipped on making coffee with Sugar and cream, and chose to make instant ramen instead. Eunji suggested they put cheese because she didn’t like the taste of almost-raw egg in it, and while it was piping hot and bubbling away in the iron pot, Eunji carried it to the floor of their living room, Sung Gyu popped open two cans of beer and joined her. He told her everything about life over their dinner.

He told her about his parents; his dad, a retired school teacher who was energetic, witty and used to say lots of dad jokes and his mum who was a stay-at-home mum and used to own a cat. He said how they lived nice and happy until his father passed away in a heart attack, and how his life fell apart since that day (although it wasn’t even close to the story that Eunji had to say). When it came to the point where he had to talk about his sister, however. He was stalling by twirling his chopsticks on and on in the soup of the noodles and sipping on his can for longer than necessary. “What happened to her, Sung Gyu-Ssi?” Eunji asked then. Sung Gyu said, without even raising his gaze; “She hung herself”

A long, uncomfortable silence followed thereafter. He was used to this silence. It wasn’t the kind of silence people gave him when he told them of how his father died. It was the kind of silence which was strictly meant for friends or family who had tragically killed themselves. Sung Gyu kind of understood them. What could one possibly say to someone who’s sister had hung herself? That they were sorry? That they wished they haven’t done that? That they think she probably have had a beautiful life and never realized it? But then, Sung Gyu realized that circumstances were rather different here. They were so different from the time he revealed this news to Hayoung or the exotic-perfume-girlfriend or any other person he had disclosed this news to. The difference was that he had, rather erroneously, divulged a crucial piece of information to her. It was him who was unable to think of a right response.

“O-oh…” Eunji stuttered, and put her chopsticks down. Sung Gyu stared at her uncertainly, worried if he had pressed a wrong button which could have led her into something…treacherous. He wished he had never told her this. He hated himself to have forgotten that he had actually saved her life to stop another one of his sister happening. To compensate for that guilt which remained.

Eunji looked down into the pot before them, the remaining bit of lukewarm broth had bits of cheese and celery floating around in it.

“You done eating?”

He nodded.

“I’ll clean this up” She said, picked up the pot and made her way into the kitchen, leaving him behind to wallow in his guilt.

When he finally heard the sound of the tap and kitchen utensils coming from the kitchen, however, Sung Gyu stood up and walked over to her, reminding himself why he always thought telling her the truth was a bad idea. He stood near the doorway, worried if he should actually walk in or not. Feeling conscious of this girl and like she said, their whole system for a split of a moment. Yet, it was her who spoke first.

“How was it like?” She asked in a small voice, a voice which immediately grabbed his concern. “After she...how did things turn out to be?”

Sung gyu was quiet, contemplating what her words meant. But then he walked towards her, feeling like he wanted to hug her. “Eunji…”

“No really” She interjected before he could go any further. “Did it…hurt a lot?”

Sung Gyu didn’t even have to think before he answered. “I was the one who found her hanging in her room. I took her down, she was still breathing. And I really, really thought we could save her…” His thoughts wandered back to that night. The screams, the crying, the rush, the lost hopes. The moment his entire life crumpled right in his hands. “She was in a coma, but it lasted only as long as ten hours. She died the very next morning…and until this day, I suffer Eunji. My mother suffers. We see her in dreams every night. We try to live like she never was a part of our lives, or the pain, the guilt, everything she left behind would eat us out until the day we die…”

Eunji’s hand slowed down as she scrubbed the soap on the utensils. “S-so…that’s how it is…” she mumbled, so much as a reminder for herself than a question. “And that’s why you saved me that day? On the rooftop?”

“No” Sung Gyu shook his head honestly. “It was the initial reaction of anyone who would see someone trying to do it, Eunji. Anyone would have saved you”

“Why?” She wanted to know.

“Because you’re important”

She looked at him from the corner of her eyes. “Not because they hate to see someone die and drown in guilt?”

“That might be a part of it, but no. Not entirely”

A stretch of complete silence continued between them afterwards, and Sung Gyu put away the empty beer cans at that point, put the kettle to boil again and proceeded to make coffee for them.

“Your sister…she’s why you offered to help me, wasn’t it?” Eunji said, all of a sudden, cutting into the quiet.

Was it? He wondered. It was. It was indeed. But then there was something different about what he felt towards the entire situation now. For one, Eunji was a wholly different person from his sister. The circumstances were different, the situations were different, and the intentions weren’t the same. Although it was the initial intention…

“In the beginning, yeah…” Sung Gyu said, and went quiet, because he couldn’t bring himself to say the rest. The bit he hated to acknowledge. The fact that everything has changed. The feelings. The reasons. The purpose. There was something about the way his heart skipped at the sight of her which changed his mind about almost everything. The way she smiled. The way she laughed. The way she carried herself, the way she spoke and the way she just was. The entire existence of her. No. It was no longer that he wanted to stop another one of his sister happening to him. No. It wasn’t a matter of saving a life from depression, now. It was a matter of saving a life which was beautiful; and which mattered to him, and which he wanted to be made his, forever. The truest sense of ‘Finders, Keepers’ was now the persistence of it all.

Not that he would admit to her. He’d never have the courage to. He’s been there. Done that. And that’s what he was going to do for the rest of his life.

“So what’s it now?” Eunji asked. Sung Gyu bit his lip and shook his head. He refrained. But he didn’t lie either. He only allowed the question to pass with a reciprocal silence. He hoped it passed the message he meant.

It probably had then. Because after a moment of complete silence, Eunji looked at him, yet again, with the ends of her eyes. “Hayoung is a lucky girl. She just probably never realized that” She said.

~*~

Discussing Hayoung and what happened there, back then, was simply inevitable. For one, he didn’t want anyone to think badly of her and simply pick off the surface that she left him for someone who was a few levels above him in more things than one, although that’s what it might seem from the first glance. Secondly, she was still Miru’s mother, and he wanted to keep respecting that. Thirdly, he understood very well that he was also partially at fault and that it wasn’t fair to entirely put the blame on her. Lastly. It was crucial that they understand the notion that the two of them split, not in vain, not with spite but after discussion, understanding and in good terms, and that they were both okay with it.

Sung Gyu ended the night at that, pointing out with much emphasis that she couldn’t move out until he had completely brought her out of her misery. He didn’t put it exactly as that, since the word ‘misery’ might come off as a bit off-putting. Nonetheless, he made sure to stress out the fact that he wasn’t letting her go, not while she was like this, not while she was still vulnerable. Not while she was still liable to break.

The next morning, Sung Gyu woke up much earlier at the sound of the soft pattering rain outside. It was still the spring season, with the occasional cloudbursts then and their and a rather gentle, moist atmosphere throught the day. It was neither hot nor cold, and the drizzle wasn’t exactly a bother. It’s that time of the year when you want to wrap up and bask in the rainy comfort with a mug of hot chocolate in hand and a person to share the warmth with. Sung gyu hadn’t the plan to, when he climbed off from bed that morning. Miru was still nestled against his chest, her soft, regular breath hitting his bare skin. He woke up up and stayed in bed for a minute, looking out the window as the raindrops raced down the glass pane. The sound coming from the kitchen, however, beckoned him to finally climb down, put on a shirt and exit the room.

Eunji was sitting in the kitchen, in the dining table with a mug of coffee and her eyes focused on her arm, deep in her thoughts. Since four days had passed since the day she came knocking on his door, asking for help, the wounds on her wrist has now healed, leaving only a series of raw pink markings; they were a map to her past. Her fingers traced along them, as if they could lead her somewhere; and her eyes were hazy, distant, contemplating, probably, the choices left in her life.

Sung Gyu pulled out a chair and sat beside her. “Good morning” He said, and when she looked up, she seemed slightly disoriented, as if she wasn’t in her right mind the whole time.

“oh, uh…hi”

Sung Gyu took one glance at the pinkish scars on her pale skin, and then looked into her eyes with concern. “Hey…you look distracted. Are you okay?”

Eunji nodded in response; yet, even so, she didn’t look entirely convincing of her response. She looked distraught, troubled, as if yesterday’s conversations hadn’t done much to solve the problem. Panic alarms began to slowly strike in his mind. He could have reached out to her, taken her hand in his, asked if there was anything more he could do; but all before he could even think of anything, she retrieved the hand which traced her scars and looked up at him.

“I was thinking of going to see my mum” She said.

Sung Gyu was unsure at first, whether Eunji was speaking with her heart, and not under the influence of anything he might have said to het the night before. He searched in her face for any indication of confusion, yet all he could find was genuine concern, and sincerity. He was worried.

“Eunji, I’m being honest. Are you sure you’re okay?” He tried again, and this time, Eunji made sure she looked straight into his eyes as if it was any consolation. “I am” she further clarified, and looked down at the scars once more. “It’s just…I was thinking. The reason that she kept me back then…it was probably a way of keeping herself living, you know. Perhaps, she never thought he’d do that mistake. Perhaps she thought she was strong enough to protect me and never let him near me. And maybe she thought that determination, somehow, would keep us both alive”

Sung gyu could only nod, yet he couldn’t say that he agreed entirely. What happened to her was cruel. It was wrong. It was never a matter of whether her mother had a choice or the will to live or whatever; it was a matter of a life being ruined completely. What Eunji lost at that time was not just something small which could be ignored in just a matter of years in the notion of ‘moving on’. She lost her trust, her pride, her childhood, her future, everything. And it wasn’t something a mother or a father could make up to her by tallying it up to ‘mistakes’. Mistakes are when people step on someone’s foot in the bus or drinking off someone else’s coffee or mistaking their umbrella for yours; not condoning to someone’s ill behavior and tolerate it for years and also forcing your daughter to abide to it herself. Yet, he reminded himself that this was completely a matter which she must have control in. Certainly, Sung Gyu might not have anything congenial towards the mother, yet for Eunji, she was still her mother, her mother who gave birth to her and raised her; thus she also had all the rights to take whatever decision she pleased.

Nonetheless, just to make sure she wasn’t having some sort of a moment of discernment, Sung Gyu pushed on. “What made you feel this way?”

She ran her fingers along her wounds and remained quiet for a moment. Sung Gyu was wary of what he should say next, whether to approve or call doctor Jang or say that she should wait until she’s sure she’s up for it; but he didn’t have to, because she had an answer.

“It was you” she said, much to Sung Gyu’s concern, and looked up to meet his gaze. “Well, not the immediate reason, but staying here, with you, had me thinking of things…lots of things. I know the kind of mistake that Hayoung did is incomparable to what mum did to me, nonetheless, I saw how easy it is to go on living once you have put aside that resentment and hatred or whatever you had against that person and move on. True, you must have had a reason to forgive her…but in my case, I do too.” Eunji looked up at Sung gyu, as if she was asking for his approval; but she needn’t it anyway. “She’s my mother. And as much as I want to hate her and go on living like she never mattered, I can’t do that, because she’s all I have”

Sung Gyu nodded, nodded and nodded, and ever so slowly, his hand reached out and brought hers into his own. Then he met her eyes in a long concerned gaze. “Eunji” he began. “First of all, you need to understand that the circumstances between you and your mum, and me and Hayoung are completely different. For one, like I told you earlier; there is no any kind of hatred or resentment or hard feelings between us when the two of us separated and went on our ways. We met, we fell in love, we married, had a baby and separated, all in a span of five years. We are aware of our reasons. We acknowledge them, and that’s that. Secondly, even if we were to cross paths again, we are never going back. Even if we ever reconcile, we still wouldn’t go back…but you and your mum. She’s the one who gave birth and raised you, she’s done one huge, huge and unforgivable mistake, and you didn’t part ways in good terms. But when you reconcile, you have to remember and also acknowledge that there is, definitely, going back to where you started” Sung Gyu took a deep breath at the end of his account and looked at her worriedly. “Now, do you still think you’re up for it?”

“Well” She stalled and slowly retracted her hand. “It was in the ‘problems to solve’ column”

“That doesn’t mean you have to tick it off the list so soon” Sung Gyu shook his head.

“But I have to” Eunji said, and added in for good measure; “I want to. I mean, if this helps me move on, start my life from the beginning altogether…”

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?” Sung Gyu asked for further clarification.

“I am perfectly sure” Eunji replied, and smiled. It was a beautiful one, and Sung gyu couldn’t help but smile back in return. “Okay then. I’ll make breakfast, and once Mimi’s up, we’ll go for it”

Sung Gyu waited for her to object, give any sign of disapproval or hesitation like she did when it was with Woohyun. Yet, much to his amazement, she made a rather enthusiastic clap and climbed up on her feet.

“Call. And I’ll make breakfast. You can wash up first”

“But Eunji-,” he stood up to protest, nonetheless, she hushed him and skipped her way down to the kitchen. He stared after her, at the way her hair swayed to the either sides and how her walk had a slight skip, which wasn’t at all graceful for a girl. She was beautiful, nonetheless. And she had somehow, already stolen his heart.

~*~

White rose nursing home was situated far off from the Seoul city in a northern suburban village with a quiet neighborhood, natural habitat and a clean, peaceful environment. The ride was a two-hour drive through the city, over the expressway and a long dodgy path through a wide expanse of greenery which later extended into a series of well-maintained farm-lands and plantations. He could see to his distance the size of the radishes and cabbage patches, the people picking out the grown vegetables barely visible behind the size of them. The weather was mild that morning, with a slight drizzle pattering over the windscreen and obscuring his view on the road time to time. It was strange that the sun still shone vigorously as if the thick membrane of rain clouds had given her the permission to shine. He follows the path in accordance to his GPS indicator, and a drive of more than two hours took them to a traditional Korean styled mansion with high walls wide expanses of plantation lined on the either sides, equipped with a massive garden and flower beds. Sung Gyu looked over at Eunji to see if they had come to the right place; Miru finally stirred awake from her long nap and stood between the front seats.

“Daddy, where are we?” She asked. Eunji craned her head, her eyes squinted against the sun as she struggled to get a better look around the place. The gate was open, welcoming them into the massive garden. Inside, seated on the cement benches under the extensive wooden rooves, even in the chilling and drizzling weather; were women, young and old, dressed in oversized clothes and bandanas on their heads, ripping cabbage leaves.

Eunji looked over at Sung gyu and nodded her head. “It’s here”

~*~

A car parking in front of the mansion in the garden which could house an entire army seemed, to them, a rather rare occasion. The women, young and old and wise and silly, all looked up from their task of making kimchi out of the fresh-garden picked vegetables and stared up at their strange new visitors in new-found fascination. Sung Gyu was used to this kind of treatment, after having driven into his own home town couple a dozens of times and having all the village kids and elderly staring up at him in wonderment as though he had just landed in an alien ship. Eunji on the other hand, looked slightly disoriented, all her macho wit slowly disappearing into a look of confusion. Miru kept chanting her usual “Let’s go! Let’s go!! Let’s GO!” from the back seat, but before they actually acted upon it, Sung Gyu looked over at the girl in the passenger seat, the obvious Only-Seoul resident, with concerned eyes. “Hey” He started in a mild voice and slowly patted on her arm. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to…we can always come again another time”

“Huh?” Eunji turned to him the look of confusion still etched on her face. It was as if she hadn’t even heard him. It took her a moment to come down to her right senses. “Oh, um…I’m sorry. It’s just…though I’m originally from Busan, I was raised in the city all my life…so this is the first time”

Sung Gyu gave her a gentle smile. “You’ve never been to a country home before?”

Eunji just shrugged.

“Well, this should be interesting then” Sung Gyu responded and proceeded to undo his seat belt. Then he paused, and looked over at Eunji again. “But you still have the option to not meet your mother, Eunji. We can still go home-,”

“No” Eunji interjected before he could go any further, and took a long, deep, audible breath before undoing her seat belt herself. “Okay…okay…let’s do this”

Sung Gyu’s brows furrowed. “Are you sure?”

Eunji looked up, gazed over at the women looking back at them; some surprised, some confused, some not giving a single bit of care to the world. She smiled; and when she did, it was the most confident he had ever seen her be. Sung Gyu was almost convinced it was really time to pack up and go home.

“You know” she said and brought her hands together as if she was planning something vicious. “I can already feel my hands in those kimchi…let’s go”

~*~

In the end, it wasn’t Eunji who got her hands dipped in the kimchi. Once the three of them got out the parked car and once Sung Gyu hurriedly huddled themselves inside an umbrella, they walked along the narrow rocky path which led to the traditional mansion. At this point, all the women had completely amandoned the Kimchi production and were staring after them as if they were some sort of exotic beasts. Sung Gyu carried Miru in his arms while Eunji held the umbrella for them, and once they landed in the garden, the sandy surface now dampened by the rain, one of the women hurried towards them with a look of great content.

“Have you come to visit? Is any of your relatives residing here? She asked.

Miru began to squirm in Sung Gyu’s arms, momentarily distracting him; and Eunji took this chance to gather herself and ask the friendly old lady “Is…is Park Hyomin still working here?”

The old lady looked quite confused, contemplating if the name she heard was familiar, and slowly Eunji’s face changed. The look of hope and anticipation slowly turned into dread, and Sung Gyu was about to jump into an ambiguous crisis plan to salvage the situation when the old lady looked over her shoulder and shouted at her fellow Kimchi makers. “Is there someone called Park Hyomin?”

Eunji surveyed the faces of the gathered old women in anticipation, and the look in her eyes implied that she hadn’t quite found the face that she was looking for. Sung Gyu put Miru down and held her securely by her arm under the umbrella, stopping her from running off, and the other slowly reached for Eunji’s hand.

“Park Hyomin who?” One of the ladies shouted back. “The park Hyomin from the cabbage patch? Or the one who tells the future?”

Though Sung Gyu’s frown deepened at their strange explanations, Eunji face suddenly lit up, as any of these descriptions actually matched which of her mother. “Tells the future?” She asked the lady in front of her. “You mean; she reads from tarot cards?”

“Something like that” said the old lady dismissively. “I don’t know about tarot or whatever, but she lays those stiff paper with strange pictures on them on the table, and tell all these things…I think it’s stupid though. Because one time, in one of the cards there was a woman pouring water from a pot and she said that-,”

“It’s her” Eunji whispered and squeezed Sung Gyu’s hand. It’s been so long since a woman had held his hand let alone squeezed it like that, and the warm feeling of her skin against him prickled all his senses and made his head feel light. He looked into her eyes and saw them shining, dancing in blue flames, very much alive. These were the eyes he was dying to see this whole time; and when he finally did, he wasn’t sure what to feel anymore. So he squeezed back her hand and gave her a smile. “Go on then…”

She looked up at him verily, at the mansion on their right and the garden bustling with women of all sorts making pickles, and then back at him. “Are you not coming?” She asked him. Sung Gyu stared back into her golden brown orbs. “Do you want me to?”

Eunji gave his suggestion a moment of pondering, and finally shook her head. “No” she said and gave another one of her squeezes on hand in reassurance. “I think I should do it on my own” she said, took his hand and passed the umbrella into his fist. She nodded at him, he nodded back. And he stood behind, staring after her as she sprinted across the garden under the drizzling rain and disappeared behind the door.

A few minutes later, Sung Gyu found himself seated among the old ladies, his hands covered in rubber gloves and dipped in massive caters of cabbage, salt, chili pepper paste, all the other condiments which goes into the making of this pickle, and water; busy spreading the paste on the slippery, salty leaves of the vegetable. Miru was sitting beside him, her bare hands dipped in the paste after having won their long and endless battle over not putting bare hands into the basin (and of course, she had the ladies on her side, and one of them even demonstrated with her bare hands so Sung Gyu couldn’t help but give in) and enthralling all the women with countless stories. He wasn’t bored out in the company of the ladies, because little Miru had them laughing their hearts out, being the little entertainer for all the women, busy with their rather ordinary lifestyle of farming and pickle making and chatting amongst themselves, staring over the tall walls and through the massive cabbage patches and greenery, waiting for their families to come back to them. Sung Gyu’s made kimchi with his mother and his aunts back in Jeonju numerous times. His father was a retired school teacher, so while he was still at school, which was a small village-side school with a minimal number of students and teachers attending, he was the one to provide the children with lunch a number of times. Not that they weren’t well of, they quite were, with their father working and mother knitting scarfs and jerseys to be taken and sold at the market, but his father was a giving and noble person who voluntarily provided the meals for the young students. And in the process of preparing lunch for the village school students, Sung Gyu had adamantly mastered the art of Kimchi making.

“You have rather skilled hands, young man” one of the ladies who’d been watching him the whole time, commented. “You must be rather good at cooking, I believe. Aigoo, your wife is so lucky”

Sung Gyu’s hands stopped in the basin for a moment, but he gathered himself as quickly as he broke. And before even he could stop himself, he was speaking to them of his wife. “Yeah, she is. She must be. I mean, I haven’t done much cooking back at home since I was always busy earning for the family and looking after the baby at all moments I could. I don’t smoke, I stopped drinking after Mimi was born. I don’t fret. I don’t complain. I was pretty much the nicest husband one could ever have”

The old lady giggled like she was the wife he was taking about, and wooed about him to the other ladies. Sung gyu suddenly felt like a celebrity, rather than what one would feel if he was the only man sitting, making kimchi, surrounded by an army of elderly women.

“She seemed happy” one of the ladies commented and the others agreed with a buzz among them. “She was glowing, and seeing you have such an adorable little girl…?”

Sung Gyu frowned and looked after where the ladies were looking at, which was the way Eunji went in, to finally meet her mother. Sung Gyu finally understood what they were referring to and realized that he had spoken his mind out without acknowledging the fact that his wife no long accompanied him to trips to elder’s homes any longer. He dropped the cabbage leaves he was working on back into the basin and let out a sigh. “Eunji is not my wife, actually”

The lady who was sitting with Miru (and hadn’t noticed that she had a big spodge of chili pepper paste on her skirt in courtesy of the four-year-old) looked at him as though he had grown two horns. “Well Eunji or whoever might not be so but the lady whom you came with definitely is”

He tilted his head, unable to comprehend her logic with regards to this. “No, she definitely isn’t” he said. “Eunji’s only my neighbor….” He trailed off and thought of where the two of them did really stand. “And very good friends…” he added. “She wanted to see her mother, so I was just accompanying her…but she is definitely not my wife”

The old lady, still unconvinced, gave him a strange look, and repeated all that he said, word to word to the other women although he was certain they all heard it the first time; and the buzz among them continued.

“So where is your wife then? Off at work? Staying home with another baby?” one of the ladies asked.

“No” Sung Gyu said, distractedly pulling at the cabbage with his rubber-gloved hands, and recalled the moment she walked out the doors for the final time. Then he looked up with a sigh, a breath he’s been holding back, perhaps, ever since the day she left. “We are separated”

“Separated?” The lady repeated inquisitively. “Well of course you are, when you are here with your lady friend or whoever, she’s probably at home, upset!”

“No, no, no” Sung Gyu waved his hands in the air, trying to save the situation. “She…” he started, gave up because he didn’t think he could continue any longer. So he turned to Miru, the only source of support he had there at the moment. “Mimi, why don’t you tell these nice grandmas where your mummy went?”

All the women gathered around the little girl then, not only because Miru was a splendid story teller, but also because they were a bunch of lonely should, still in wonderment of who this mystery people coming from the faraway lands could be. One of the ladies pulled Miru into her lap, and another left her basin of wet kimchi aside to hear the tales. Miru seemed a little disoriented for a while after all the shuffle and movements coming from the women surrounding her. She looked up at her father for support, and at that very moment, she looked so much like her mother. Lost, scared and confused. And Sung Gyu realized that all this little girl needed was a little push. The only thing Sung Gyu failed to do for her mother all those years back when she sat in the middle of a whirlwind which was her life. Sung Gyu stared down at his baby girl, nodded, and gave her a smile.

“Mummy has gone on a big adventure!” Miru started out with an impressice entrance which has definitely caught everyone’s attention. Her doe eyes were wide, hands raised in demonstration of how big the said adneture was. There was a splotch of pepper pastes on her cheek after having played in it for too long, but she didn’t seem to take notice of it. Miru recalled her mother, the mother who’s face was a blurry vision on her mind, obscured by the memories of the latest happenings in her mind. She told them about the thick forests and exotic islands she was travelling to, in a flight, travelling over the ocean and high mountain peaks. The women who definitely haven’t been on a plane let alone out of the village seemed captivated by the stories that little Miru had to tell, so much so that they soon forgot the real purpose of the entire explanation, which was to know where Sung Gyu’s wife was. Listening to her tales, Sung Gyu distractedly dipped his hands in the kimchi again. He thought back to Hayoung. The answers she’s never given him on why she left, and what he did wrong to never come back to him. The answers to the questions he never asked; because deep, deep, deep inside, perhaps, as how he felt it, he knew.

“And she still loves me” Miru ended her story with a smile. “Daddy said we can go to a forest on a plane too! Right, daddy?”

Sung Gyu smiled and proceeded to smother the kimchi water on the cabbage. “Of course, sweetheart” he said, and then the old ladies continued to ask Miru about the planes.

“Didn’t think you were such a lady’s man” came a voice from behind them. Sung Gyu retracted from the basin, relieved that his torture with the ladies have finally come to an end, took off the gloves and turned around to see Eunji making her way across the garden towards him. And she was smiling. Her eyes were glowing. She was happy.

“So?” he stood up, wary of her, nonetheless, and searched in her face for any kind of discomfit behind that misleading brilliance.

Eunji met his eyes and gave him one of those smiles, the kind of smiles women had which immediately make men want to go and dive headfirst into a river. His heart skipped, and he took a careful step behind.

“Well, come on” she said and held her hand out for him to take. “Let’s go meet my mum”

~*~

Unlike what he expected, White-rose nursing home was a wide expanse of a government funded mansion which housed more than seventy homeless and elderly women under the care of well-trained staff and volunteers. The residents were all women between the ages of mostly fifty-five to eighty, and a few odds were much younger, having come to stay at the nursing home after broken marriages, accidents or traumatic experiences. Eunji’s mother was apparently one of them. Having fled her home in the heart of Seoul twelve years ago, ever since the incident of her husband violating her only child, Park Hyomin had stayed in the nursing home, in the beginning as solely a resident, later on becoming a regular staff member, earning a minimal wage for running errands within the house and helping out in maintaining the garden, and so on. She wasn’t as old as she seemed, according to what Eunji told him upon their entrance. Hyomin had married Eunji’s father at a very young age before having her, yet the events in her life, hard work and experience had brought old age to her even before time itself could. She was petite and stubby with short cropped hair and large pearly dark eyes, an eternally sad smile curved on her lips. When Sung Gyu met her for the first time, she was wearing a ragged old apron over her usual attire, and her eyes were rimmed red raw after having met her only daughter since she left twelve years ago. Sung Gyu and Hyomin exchanged pleasantries, and as the inevitable silence fell upon them for the doubts to be cleared, for the misunderstandings to be answered; Sung Gyu immediately thought of his own mother.

“Is Mimi still with the Ahjummas?” Eunji asked, her voice piercing through the silence around them. Sung Gyu looked behind him at the opened door where the white sun seeped in through, trying to catch a glimpse of his daughter. “She should be fine…”

“Is that-?” Eunji’s mother began in a small, trembling voice, eyeing between Sung Gyu and Eunji simultaneously, and Sung Gyu easily caught her looking at his hand, searching for a ring on his finger, which he had removed a long time ago.

“Mimi is Sung Gyu-Ssi’s daughter” Eunji quickly explained before her mother could assume any further. Eunji looked up at Sung Gyu with wary eyes, as if she was unsure of what to say next. Sung Gyu shook his head, slightly, indicating that whatever she should say would be fine.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi is a single parent” Eunji thus carried on. “His-his wife and he separated a year ago…in good terms. Now he lives with Mimi, right two houses away from mine…and we’re good friend…” Eunji added in a smaller voice, and looked up at him once again. Sung Gyu only smiled in return. Whatever he means to her, he knew, didn’t matter as much as she meant for him now.

“I…I see” Eunji’s mother stammered an octave lower than before. And then, looking up with sparkling eyes, she added; “Well, I’d like to see her…”

Just as in cue, a large commotion sounded from the entrance way, garnering their attention immediately. Through the shadows casted by the afternoon sun upon the wooden floor, a tiny figure emerged with her hands raised high and her soft curls jumping behind her. At the doorway, some of the old ladies have clustered around, trying to catch a glimpse of whatever the new alien visitors were up to. Upon seeing her father, Miru bellowed in delight. “Appa, I have kimchi on my hands” She said, and further demonstrated her findings by holding her paste covered hands, looking so much like a tiny and innocent serial killer. This made Hyomin laugh, a small laughter which was eerily similar to that of Eunji, so much so that he immediately averted his eyes to stare at the older woman rather than his daughter herself.

“Aigoo, come on now, little Mimi” She greeted and held out a hand. “Let’s get those kimchi hands cleaned up before you become kimchi yourself!”

Miru nodded and followed after the lady without even spearing a single glance at her father. “And my name is not Mimi. Only daddy calls me Mimi. My name is Miru, and my mummy likes to call me that…”

The sound of Miru’s voice echoed through the corridors even after she had disappeared into the kitchen. This made Eunji break into tiny childlike giggles, as if she found so much of hilarity confined in a lousy little four-year-old. Sung Gyu could only stare after her as she giggled and stopped, looked at the way of the kitchen, listened to her mother bickering with a toddler and giggled again. It made him happy. Just watching her like this, immensely. Like her giggles, smiles and laughter was all that he needed to avert the sails of his ship down the right ways in the deep blue sea.

~*~

They returned home much later that evening, after having stayed for lunch with Eunji’s mother and the rest of the nursing home residents, enjoying a feast of various traditional dishes made completely out of the vegetables freshly picked from the plantations. They also helped the ladies in the garden as well, where little Miru learned that radish and potatoes grew underground and cabbage looked much larger in the patch than they looked in the market. They picked vegetables, sowed the soil, watered the plants and even danced around under the sprinklers, drowning in their laughter, living a moment where past, present and where they stood in the time of their lives didn’t matter. At some point, Sung Gyu picked Miru up and twirled her around as the cold rain of the sprinklers showered them underneath, which Eunji regarded with delight and wonderment. He didn’t think, he didn’t wait or hesitate at that moment. Sung Gyu leapt over to her, heaved her off the ground and twirled around in the drizzle like she was a child herself. She laughed, her hands ran around his neck and her head tilted upwards, squinting in the warm sun above them. As the white light casted its brilliance upon her skin, as her smile and laughter brought even more of radiance to her than the sunshine ever could, Sung Gyu’s heart stopped in his throat. He couldn’t breathe anymore. She was beautiful. And his heart wasn’t lying anymore.

Only Miru kept the conversation going during their ride back to the city. Eunji was silent almost the entire ride, only giving a smile or a nod or a monosyllable as an answer which was unusual of her whenever Miru was concerned. Eunji never had a single smile or nods or one worded answer for Miru when she had a question or something to say. Eunji would go all out with her long boisterous explanations and occasional bickering as if the two of them were the same age. And he absolutely adored it, with all his heart. And so in the moments when Eunji suddenly returned to being her cold, distant self, the one he first met the day he moved into the towers and the one he saved from the ledge a few days ago, Sung Gyu wasn’t sure if he could really take it.

Nonetheless, Sung Gyu didn’t question her disposition. She had met her mother after twelve years, since the last time they parted in bad terms, with the pain and hatred still afresh in their hearts. He, of course, couldn’t understand what she might be feeling right now, whether it was the right thing to do or whether he should contact doctor Jang or dive into his rather ambiguous crisis plan. Yet, he tried to be as understanding as possible, given that he would never be able to stand in her shoes and feel exactly what she did. All he could do at times like this was to give the necessary emotional support and motivation to stay head strong. Coping resources. Sung Gyu reminded himself, and allowed Eunji to be as she pleased.

After dinner that night (Which consisted of chicken and radish pickle they picked up on the way home) Miru had a bath and straightway hit the covers. She’s had a tough weekend; Miru was all for adventure but her energy died down almost too easily, perhaps the only trait that she has inherited from her father. She was exhausted after all the travel they did within two days of time. So he tucked her under the covers, lied beside her and her hair until she drifted off to sleep. Sung Gyu’s done this numerous times; all before even Miru was born. Since Hayoung got pregnant of her in a rather young, fragile age, she had a constant difficulty of coming into terms with the sudden change in her life, both mentally and physically. She had stomach cramps during the early days, and contractions later on, and she always slipped into a state of insomniac fear that she stayed up every night, worrying and worrying until she cried herself to sleep. Thus, every night, Sung Gyu would lie beside her, talk to her, tell her all the soothing and gentle things, sweet nothings he could come up with and rubbed the baby bump under her clothes, feeling her warm skin against his palms. She’d often lay her head down in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent and drifting off to sleep under his gentle ministrations. And miraculously, after Miru was born and when she had her late night screaming sessions, running Hayoung into a constant state of panic, fear and frustration, the only thing which could calm her down was her father’s touch, just like it did when she was still inside her mother, giving her contractions every now and then. As miraculous as it was, seeing that she had grown into the habit even before she was born, Sung Gyu continued these ministrations until now, putting her to sleep and her head when she demanded it, sometimes, even if she didn’t but his heart demanded it. It was as if the small things as this were what which still kept him connected to Hayoung, still keeping their crumbling marriage and lost hopes and dreams alive.

A moment later, with a pang, something snapped inside him and he soon reached for his phone on the night stand. He thought of Eunji in his arms that morning, when they danced around in the sprinklers. He thought of how they almost held hands as they stood in the beach, a mutual connection building between them, crashing through the walls he had tried to keep intact. He thought of her smile, her laughter, her scent and how her warmth felt in his arms. He thought of how everything about her sent his heart in a frenzy. So he searched in his contacts in a haste, his eyes wide and searching through the content in a whim, and dialed the number he was looking for.

Hayoung didn’t answer. After a few rings, which he couldn’t count, it went straight to voice messages, and her soft, bubbly voice muttered on the other end. “Hello, I’m unavailable right now, please leave a message, beep!”

He tried again, and again, his fingers going stiff and cold on the screen of the phone after each try. Sweat pooled under his collar, and he was panicking slightly. Why was he panicking? Was it because Hayoung wasn’t picking up and that could imply she’s been either murdered by this Myung Soo guy or she’s in another exotic island with a no phone reception at all? Or because he’s convinced that Hayoung is deliberately ignoring him?

Or, was it because he was finally beginning to realize that he had developed more than just fond feelings towards the girl he had saved and was afraid of moving any further because he was still in a marriage which hadn’t entirely left?

He dialed and dialed again, and it kept going to the voice message tone. He threw his phone across the bed to land onto end of it, nearly missing crashing on the floor. Then he buried his face into the pillow and let out a loud groan, all the pent of frustration that’s been struggling to break through. He was certainly done for. Whatever reason why he felt so, he couldn’t tell. All he knew was that he was completely and utterly done for.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi…” a voice called from the doorway, a repetition of the previous night, and also the night before, in an attempt to drag him out of the bed he had fallen into a little too early for the day. Sung Gyu panicked and sat up hurriedly, as though he’s been doing something inappropriate or wrong. Eunji looked at him with confusion, looked around in the room, in case something strange lied around on the floor or somewhere, and finally met his eyes.

“You okay?” She asked.

Sung Gyu quickly pulled himself together and managed a smile. “Yup. I’m fine” he said. Inside, a small voice muttered; No you’re not, you fool, you’re in love, with her!

“Okay then” Eunji said, smiling, easily having bought his lie. She folded her arms on her chest and leaned against the door frame.

“Do you want to see a movie with me?” She asked.

“Right now?”

“Well, there’s one going on TV” Eunji shrugged. “We can skip the commercials…if you don’t mind that is”

Of course I do mind! He wanted to say. I’m falling for you. I have to stay far, far away from you, Eunji, Far, far away-,

“Yeah, sure” he said, and after one last look at Miru and the phone lying on the bed with not a single breath of life, he climbed up on his feet.

~*~

The movies session was undeniably one of these rare, awkward occasions where two people would sit beside each other and trying to find distraction upon whatever’s going on TV when what they really wanted to do was talk and laugh and let everything in their hearts out; a moment of mutuality when all they wanted to do was interact but they couldn’t because they were unable to bring themselves to begin. One moment, Sung Gyu would be glancing at her with a corner of his eyes, feeling his heart thumping relentlessly in his throat and refraining himself from reaching out and pulling her into his arms. The other he would feel Eunji beside him, an inevitable presence, taking sneaky glances at him to see if he was perhaps doing the same. This continued for a long time as the quiet remained between them; none of them were really focusing on the movie, since it wasn’t as interesting and gripping as the two people sitting with one another. Finally, Eunji let out a sigh and broke the silence between them.

“I made up with mum” She said, and Sung gyu found the right moment to look at her without having to steal creepy glances. He’s been dying to hear what could have happened during his absence at the white rose nursing home (Although it wasn’t the priority, as tragic as it may be), to see if his plan of solving the problems had worked. The first one with Woohyun didn’t exactly come out as planned. Adding to the sour emotions he left her with since their break-up at the ice cream shop, Woohyun hadn’t completely terminated his stalking scheme. He had minimalized it to some extent, which he wasn’t sure was good or bad, even though it did come off as progress. Instead of following her around, Woohyun has now resorted to leaving voice messages on her phone, both the mobile and the land line, asking the same and same things. Sung Gyu sure hoped this attempt wouldn’t backfire as the first. He hated being incompetent and failing in what he did (although his life’s been a failure all along).

“You did…” Sung Gyu said, a small smile appearing on his lips. “So how did it go? If…you don’t mind me asking”

Eunji shook her head, and smiled fondly at him, which made his heart drop and burst, bleeding out by his feet. “Well…the usual things. The hugging, the crying, the ‘You’re back!’ and the ‘I missed you!’, being said on and on…the usual reconciliation” Even though she didn’t sound entirely fond of the reunion, Sung Gyu could see how her eyes could never lie. They were glimmering of contentment and appreciation, a look that he had never seen so vigorously shining in them.

He nodded and brought his hands to rest on his knees. “I’ glad at least that worked out…” and in an afterthought, he added; “Even if Woohyun thing was a disaster”

“Woohyun is a disaster from the very beginning” Eunji said shaking her head as if it’s a universally accepted fact which nobody acknowledged. “I should have known…” she raised her head and met his eyes. “It has nothing to do with you trying to help me out, trust me. In fact, you’ve helped me a lot to lessen all his creepy stalking. At least he doesn’t come down to the studio or get is friends to kidnap me”

“That’s good going then” Sung Gyu said distractedly, his eyes focused on his feet stretched out before him. “And I’m so glad that things are falling into place…”

Silence ensued afterwards, both of them retracting to their own shells, their own thoughts for the moment. The movie on the TV continued. It was about some kids who’d formed an indie rock band and then the male lead character goes bersek over something and he’s eventually become completely crazy and the girl does something to resurrect him. Not the usual kind of Movies Sung Gyu and Miru liked to watch. The action packed, volence and bllod and gore with a little horror in the odd bits; but for the moment, it was a good distraction. It at least allowed for their minds to unravel in all the perfect ways.

“Do you miss her?” Eunji inquired, all of a sudden, which also implied that this was what she’s been contemplating the whole time. Sung Gyu turned to look at her, only to find her deep in her thoughts. “Who?” He asked, assuming it was Hayoung she was referring to.

But no. he was wrong. “Your sister”

Sung Gyu sighed, and turned away. He missed her. Although he wasn’t sure what exactly he missed about her, he still did. He missed her scent, her voice, her constant breakdowns and having to hold her in his arms to sooth her. He missed her ghostly silhouette lurking in the shadows on soundless nights, slight, soft whimpers breaking through in regular intervals, and the gentle padding of her feet on the carpet, and the sound of her shattering heart; all of which proved to him that she was still alive. He missed her entire existence. The big and small things about her. Everything which defined her, that made her, her. He missed her.

“Beyond words” Sung Gyu said slowly, and recalled all the good times they spent together, still as young as fresh blossoms, smiling and laughing through the tears in their peaceful lives back in Jeonju. “You know; she didn’t have much to miss about. We were both very much adults when she…” he hesitated and let out a sigh. “But still…I don’t have a sister now. I miss my sister Eunji. That’s all that I miss. But it’s a heck of a big chunk of my life, you know”

A soft, sad smile appeared on her lips as she shook her head. “I can hardly know, Sung Gyu-Ssi. I don’t even know my sister”

Sung Gyu went quiet at that, unable to form an answer. If he knew her enough, he could say that there wasn’t anyone significant she would actually miss. Not a mother like his own, not a father or a sister like he loved so dearly. In that sense, what she was implying, was right. How could she help it if she really didn’t, and couldn’t miss anyone?

“How about me…then?” She asked, her voice was lower, almost a whisper; and her tone gave him chills. She lifted her head and her eyes fell into his own; suddenly empty, bleak and lifeless. It was scaring him. “Would you miss me?”

Sung Gyu felt a hard, sharp spike of fear coursing through his veins; rendering him speechless.

“W-what?” he managed in a small croak.

“If I died” she clarified without hesitance, without a second thought. Speaking with so much of fearlessness and confidence that he could have easily been convinced she was tricking him, but she wasn’t. The sincerity was clear in her eyes and it horrified him. “If I died like she did…will you ever miss me?”

And Sung Gyu lost himself at that point. He simply did. Perhaps it was the frustration, the anger, the resentment he never knew he had towards his sister for leaving them behind with so many loopholes and unanswered questions; leaving them behind with her puzzles and mysteries to solve. And from deep inside, his heart was swaying, raging to break through, knocking on his ribcage on and on as if it’s been held captive for way too long. And all these mixed up, pent up emotions escaped in a rush in the form of loud, angry, unyielding roars. He couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Are you still going to die?” He yelled, stood up and looked down at her, fiery emotions reflected in his eyes. “I’ve done all that I could do to save you. I’ve looked for solutions, I’ve acted upon the solutions, I’ve done everything within my capabilities to hold you back, and I still do and I always would-but still! Still is this the way you want everything to end? You’d still go and ing die on me?”

There were tears in her eyes, even if he gave everything he could to find life in them, which flickered no longer. There was nothing but the pain and hopelessness, and he felt even worse; as if all he’s done was in vain, and yet, it was all his fault.

“You don’t understand” She whispered, and grasped onto her hands as if doing that would refrain her from clawing at her tear stained face. “I wish…all of it does go away overnight. But they don’t…” A distressing cry escaped her lips then, and Sung Gyu could almost feel his own heart breaking at the sound of her voice. “It’s just that…this is my life, Sung Gyu-Ssi. You can solve all the problems; you can set everything right. But still this pain, this suffering…it’s what I’m entitled to. It’s my fate. It’s all that I deserve-,”

“Bull!” Sung gyu yelled so hard that it sent all the shockwaves through the quiet ambiance, rendering her speechless. He suddenly felt like he just stepped on a fuse that would immediately combust, and he was fearful to take a step back and just think, ing think for a moment. She was making everything hard for him. What did she mean anyway? What did she even know?

He ran his trembling fingers through his messy dark curls and pulled a hand down his face. “How would you even…” he started and trailed off before turning to her, all prepared to give her his heart if he had to. “You…Eunji, deserve all the good things in the world. Not the pain, not the suffering, none of it. You deserve all the beauty in this universe, all the love from everyone around you and just anything and everything you desire…” he sighed, took a step towards her and crouched down so their faces were in the same levels as one another. He wanted to reach over to her at that very moment. Pull her closer, cup her face in both his warm, trembling hands and press his lips against hers; feel her warm, beautiful splendor; but no, he knew better of himself to not to lose himself at a crucial moment. Sure. He would give his heart to her. Perhaps, he already had. But not like this. Not now.

So he opted to hold her hands instead.

“Listen, Eunji. You might not know this but you…you’re a uniquely beautiful person that anyone would want to have in their lives; including your mother, my little Miru, maybe perhaps Woohyun…and myself. You don’t even have to question if we’d ever miss you, because we do. Even now, even at this moment when you lose yourself completely. It’s not a matter of existing, Eunji. It’s a matter of love. We want you to be happy. We want you to love yourself and just…just live. Because we love you, and that’s all that matters”

And Eunji broke into loud, painful tears. She fell onto her knees and slid into his arms; he dearly gathered her against him, and felt her trembling in his embrace. The little life inside her wailed, crying for help and writhing in despair. That little life who always wanted to live. It swayed softly like a cloud, and curled against the crook of his neck, searching for the warmth it always desired. Sung Gyus hands slipped around her, his fingers ran through her hair; moving up and back down, feeling the softness against his rough fingers. She grasped onto him as if he was her life support, and breathed against him, just as occasional cries broke which slowly ceased into nothingness; just the gentle sound of her breath remained, tender and uneven. She reminded him so much of a child. He closed his eyes, pressed his lips onto the crown of her head and rested his cheek in her hair, swaying back and forth as if cradling a child and slowly sending her to sleep.

He wanted to tell her that he loved her. He just really truly did. But he couldn’t bring himself to. Not like this, not now.

“Hey, I’ve got you” he said to her, instead. "I've got you now"

One more to go.