I am so weak I feel embarrassed at myself. I should just commit suicide by jumping out of the window. I honestly don’t know what is going on with me nor why I was so whipped regarding Taeyeon. But I did it again. The cakes which were supposed to be Sooyoung’s? Yeah, that’s right, I gave them all to Taeyeon.

Why?

Because she asked for more cake and Tiffany Hwang here couldn’t say no! ! I am a psychotherapist! My job is to deal with people's problems and issues but here I am with a problem of my own I can't seem to solve: how can I say no to Kim Taeyeon?

How can she make me be so hopelessly nice with her? I used to be strict when it was necessary, I really was. But every time I'm with her I have this need to please her; I have this will for being nice and I don’t know why.

Actually, maybe I do know… The thing is… I like her. I like her mind, I like her voice, I like her jokes, and I like her personality although she is always pulling that fake Cheshire one. She is one of those people I loved to read about when I was a kid. She is one of those people I had always dreamed to know. In a way, Choi Sooyoung was right. I do want to be the doctor who helped Taeyeon. And I wanted Taeyeon to like me as much as I like her; I wanted her to trust me.

So I gave her all Sooyoung’s cakes.

I was willing to keep my words though. And if I had promised Sooyoung five ing macaroons everyday for two weeks, she will get those! What I needed to do was to start giving her the cakes on Monday. Monday is always the best day to start new things. The problem was trying to convince the woman.

“So you’re going to give me the food you promised starting by Monday?” She asked raising one of her brows unconvincingly.

“Yes. I also need to think how give you the cakes and not looking suspicious enough. If Yoona sees us talking to each other she will notice something wrong is going on. There are some officers here who know you’re not my patient as well. Smuggling small food can be easy but it is still illegal. We need to be safe and out of sight from others.” She muttered a ‘hm’ and seemed to agree with that.

“Come with me.” She said inviting with her hand.

I looked around a little uncomfortable. “Is this a good idea?”

“You said you wanted to give me food without looking suspicious, ain’t you? So, follow me. It’s alright. Today is Thursday and right now Doctor Yoona is having her session with Jessica. You’re safe.”

“What about the officers?”

“They see you in white coat, they regard you as a doctor. Most of those officers don’t know even our names, let alone all the doctors’ here. Especially ‘cuz the medics are always coming and leaving.” It made sense, but I was still not convinced. “Just don't be nervous. If an officer recognizes you just tell him Doctor Yoona asked to check me out. They will leave us alone.”

“Have you done this before?” I asked finally following her.

“What?”

“Made an officer believe somebody else was your doctor?”

“No. But Amber’s doctor once came to see how I was going as Doctor Yoona’s asked for it. So I know it’s pretty safe.”

“Okay.”

She seemed to be right about that. By the time I was walking alongside her no one bothered us. No officer had found weird I was there at her side. I could easily pretend I was her real doctor.

“How do you know Yoona is with Jung Jessica?” I asked curiously, I thought all doctors’ patients are kept secret from each other.

“Jessica told Krystal; Krystal told Amber; Amber told me.” I nodded my head, finally understanding.

Once we’ve got to one of the sides of the penitentiary, she pointed her head to the vent next to the ground. When she squatted down in front of the vent, I did the same.

“The last row of grilles are broken, can you see it?”

“Yes.” I knew where she was going with this but she took her time to explain.

“The hole we’ve got here – she pointed to the void in the grilles – must be enough to fit the macaroons. If it isn’t, you can dig some earth out till they fit. Before our recreation, take your time to come here and place the pastry inside.”

“You don't want me to warn you?”

“It’s not necessary. And as you said earlier it can be suspicious. Two weeks might me a long time so if you try talk to me everyday it can rise some rumors. Just place the pastries here, be careful to not let anyone see it. Before the recreation is over, I’ll come here to get them.”

“Is it safe? What if someone else notices the food inside and eat them before you?”

“It’s a risk you might want to take.” No, I don’t want to take.

“Does any other inmate knows about this?” I asked referring to the broken vent.

“I don’t know. Some don’t even care to look properly around the facilities. And truth to be told, a rusty and broken vent is not where you usually try keeping your foods fresh.”

Well that was my best chance so I might as well take it. I didn’t need to talk to Sooyoung every morning so that could avoid me getting into trouble. “Alright.”

“Don't forget to have ‘em wrapped in paper so they won't get dirt all over.”

“Sure.” I said rising up and dusting my hands on my jeans. “You don’t need to worry, Miss Choi, I won’t give you dirty food.”

“You better not, Doctor Hwang. ‘Cuz if you do, you ain’t hear the name of Taeyeon’s trigger from me.”

Well, can't say I didn't see that coming. Sooyoung was rather possessive towards her food so for sure she would try to have the best sample she could have.

I nodded my head again.

“See you around, Doctor Hwang.” She said turning her back and walking away.

~~*~~

“Impressive.” I said as she showed how long it took her to solve the rubik's cube: 3 minutes and 9 seconds. “But some kids in my previous jobs could do it under one minute.”

“I doubt they could kill someone the way I do under one minute.” She said grinning hard. “Now who's the best in town, Doc?” I blinked not sure of what to say. And then I looked down, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“What's wrong, toots?”

“Nothing. It’s alright.”

“Now, look who's lying.”

“How…” I raised my eyes towards her. She was scrabbling the cube so she could try solve it again. “How many…? How many…people… have you killed?”

“I don't keep track.”

“Really?” I frowned my brows. If she doesn't keep track that basically means she wasn't a serial killer. Serial killers are always looking forward to beat their own records. However, I also found interesting she said “the way I do”; serial killers tend to always murder their victims with the same method. They usually have a ritual and they follow it quite systematically. I didn't know what to think about Taeyeon though. If she kills when she is under her episodes, would that mark her as a serial killer as well?

“How do you feel?” I asked interested. “When you have an episode... How do you feel?”

She twisted one layer of the cube around. “Before, during or after?”

Ow, that was interesting. I didn't know she could have stages. “Hm, in all of them.”

“Well, someone is eager for an answer.” I chuckled. “But I can’t give you all the treats for free… It’s not fun, is it?”

“It is for me.” I said smiling.

“Just pick one, Doc.”

“I need to know all stages.”

“Not today.” And she twisted the cube again matching the bottom layer with their respective colors.

“Uh…before.” I said after thinking for a while. If she has a distinctive way to behave before it happens, I could spot that easier and do something about it. Or at least it was what I was hoping.

“Oh, that’s a surprise.” She said raising her head ignoring the puzzle for a moment.

“Why?”

“I thought you would pick during.”

“Plot-twist.” I said lightly. She giggled. It made me feel good. “So… What do you feel before your episodes happen?”

“The noises stop.”

“Noises?” I remember her saying she has those “noises” inside her head but honestly I don’t really know what it means. Was that a metaphor for something else? Were those tick tocks for real? Does she hear that all the time?

“They stop. Or maybe they go mute. Either way, I can’t hear them anymore.”

“You said your medicine shuts down your voices… How is that different?”

“I don’t know. It just is. With my medicines…it's like when you daydream. You are awake; you have a perception of your surroundings and you still can hear your thoughts even if they aren’t connected with what you are experiencing in the moment. The noises in my head are still there but not so loud. Before my episodes happen… There are no thoughts anymore. There are no noises anymore. It’s just a void. My mind is blank completely.”

“And then?”

She smirked. “And then it happens.”

“What? Is that it? You mind goes blank? Don’t you have any other behavior? One that could –

“That could tell you what’s about to happen?” She raised her brows to me. I looked away. “I’m not a siren, Doc.”

“Actually you are.” I said backing my eyes to her. “But no one knows when you are on or off.”

“Believe me, Doctor, you totally would know if I was ‘on’.”

“How so?”

“You’d be dead by now.” And she threw the rubik’s cube for me to catch it. My eyes focused on the toy completely solved. I gulped silently. “But you don't need to worry, Doc, so far you're safe.”

“Am I?”

“Why would I kill you? You give me cake!” I chuckled.

“I can’t give you cake all times.”

She pouted. And Jesus, that was the most adorable thing ever. No, Tiffany! Stop!

“How is it bad to give me just one small cake, Doc?”

“Very bad.” Sooyoung was enough. I didn't need to owe any other inmate more cakes. I couldn’t owe anyone else. Not even Kim Taeyeon.

“You are lying, got that from someone else, toots?” She grinned.

“I’m not lying! It’s illegal.”

“Never stop you before.”

Because I’m a weak! “Just a few ones it was alright. But we can’t go on like this. It has to stop.”

“Can I ask you for a change?”

“A change?” Didn't understand what it meant.

“There’s something I really…really miss to eat. Something small, colorful and very tasty.” Her eyes twinkled. I frowned.

“What’s the taste?”

“It tastes like childhood.”

“Childhood?” My brows were raised.

“Ah yeah! The golden times of our lives! The times where no one holds us down! Even if we are just little ones pissing and ting on our own pants…It doesn’t matter, Doctor, for we have all the delusions and the fantasies of the world…just right here.” She pointed to her head.

“I can’t smuggle in drugs.” I stated.

“What? No! Your childhood seems to be the one problematic, toots… Not talkin’ about drugs. No! I hate those junks! I'm talking about gummy worms here!”

“Gummy worms?” I blinked.

“Gummy worms. You know, those jellies shaped as worms and covered in sug-

“I know gummy worms!” I chuckled. “Are you serious? Gummy worms is your childhood?”

“What? Amber’s is Cap’n crunch!”

“Cap’n crunch?”

“It’s got corn for crunch, oats for punch and it stays crunchy, even in milk.” She said delivering the slogan for the product. I laughed. “What’s your childhood food, toots?”

“I don’t have a childhood food.”

“We all have a childhood food! You're from America you said… Waffles? Burgers? A bucket of chicken wings from KFC?”

“What? No! My father was very strict with our diets. He never really let me and my siblings to eat junkie food.”

“So what type food you used to eat when you were younger?”

“He used to make us sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly.” I said smiling remembering of those times.

“Peanut butter and jelly.” She pointed to me. “Gummy worms.” She pointed to herself.

I sighed. “But this is the last time I’ll be giving you food, Taeyeon.”

She grinned. “Yeah, sure it is, toots.”

~~*~~

“What’s up, Doctor?” Officer Hyoyeon came to me after I finished talking with Irene.

“How is it going, Officer?”

“All good.” She nodded. “Hey, care to meet Yuri? She asked me to.”

“Yuri? Why? What’s wrong?”

She raised her shoulders. “Beats me. She just told me she wants to have a word with you.”

I found weird Yuri wanted to talk to me. I mean, we always exchange words whenever I go to the Archive but she never took her time to ask another Officer for me to find her.

When I got th