June 17

Today my parents told me we’re going to LA for a month. It was a huge surprise. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my friends that I’m going to miss the year-end party, even though I am one of the main hosts. Of course, they’d have to it up, because it’s out of the question that I stay here while the rest of my family goes on a vacation. It’s LA for goodness’ sake. 

So at school, I will tell my friends. I’m on the bus. The girl sitting next to me is trying to read what I’m writing. Yeah, I can see you. The song you’re listening to , and you’re going to destroy your ears listening to music that loud. That’s right. Look away. The boys toward the front of the bus are being idiots and throwing paper planes at each other. Most likely, those are pages from their homework that they didn’t complete. They’ll use this as an excuse to say it got destroyed on the bus. 

There’s a businessman probably going to work. Or maybe he’s a disguised gang member. Maybe the briefcase contains drug money. Or a weapon. That would come in handy if the bus was hijacked. Unless he was part of the hijacking. What could I use to defend myself? The tools to break the windows in the case of an emergency are only useful if I’m close to the attacker, which, let’s be honest, I don’t plan to be. I could throw my bag. That could backfire. I’m not entirely sure of the aerodynamics of my bag. It might do nothing but attract the attacker to me. I doubt it would be an honourable death. It would probably be stupid and pointless, seeing as we’re all trapped on the same bus like sitting ducks.

What was this about?

Right. LA. 

Los Angeles. I have family there. My mom’s younger brother moved there when he was twenty, set up the foundation of a life, then came back to Korea to find his future wife. Then took her back to the States where they had two kids. Both of them girls, both of them annoying, and both of them hate me. I don’t mind. The more they hate me, the more they avoid me, the more I’m free of them. It’s a win-win. 

In a way, I shouldn’t be this surprised about the decision to go visit that branch of the family. My mother has been talking about how much she misses her brother. And my parents have been looking for a way to keep my brother’s grades up with this reward for the good marks he’s been bringing home. As a kid, my brother has always been used as a cautionary tale against me. 

“Don’t be like your brother,” they would say. “Don’t be lazy. Look at him, he’s not going to go anywhere. You do better. You pull us up.” It was all “We’re counting on you, Jungkook.” 

If my desires had differed from theirs, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have followed my own. It was in their luck that mine happened to be the same as theirs. How much of that they shaped, I can’t be sure. But I knew what I wanted, and I knew how to get it.

I’m at school. I have to tell my friends soon. 

I know the classroom will be empty. No one comes to the classroom early anymore. It’s perfect. I text my friends and wait for the response. In waiting, I stare at the map hanging on the wall. I can pinpoint Seoul. All I know of LA is that it is on the West coast of the USA. I crack open an atlas from the bookshelf right under the map. It’s easier to find when the map is zoomed in to the state of California. 

My phone never rang, but the class door opens and Daehyun, Joonyoung, Boah, and Junhee all stare at me expectantly. I smile and point out LA on the big world map. “I’ll be there for the next month,” I say. 

Daehyun is devastated because this means he will have to find a way to pay for all of the food instead of splitting it halfway like we had planned. Boah orders for me to send her cool new songs that I hear there. Joonyoung and Junhee rejoice because it’s one less person to clean up after. I think they’re joking about being happy. But now they know, and the rest of the planning for the year-end party can proceed accordingly. I promise that I will still help until the day I leave. Boah reminds me that my duties don’t end there, and that I still have to make sure she’s got the hottest playlist of the summer. 

We decide that we may as well stay in the class and use the privacy to do some more planning. Junhee carries her thoughts in her journal kind of like I do, only hers are much more organized. She has all of our planning so far down and adds down new notes in color code - blue for ideas, purple for decisions, and pink for things we need to ask permission for. There is a lot of pink on the page, from what I see when I peek. Sometimes it being a teenager. No one considers you a kid anymore, they have different expectations of you, yet no one treats you quite like an adult, either. It’s practically a growth spurt, minus the benefits. And you get a squeaky voice.

I’m not paying attention in class. I know I should be, because exams are fast approaching, but I can’t get the excitement of LA out of my head. I stare at the world map a lot, and this was fine in Geography when it was appropriate, but not so much in Math. I’m really only writing in my journal now so that it looks like I’m taking down notes. Maybe I should pay attention. 

It’s half past noon. Time for lunch!

Lunch went by way too quickly. Junhee and Daehyun got into a debate about how many layers the cake should be. Boah got sad, thinking about how next year would be the last year the five of us planned a class party together. Joonyoung made it worse when he pointed out that we may be too busy studying for entrance exams to even think of planning a party next year. Junhee shut Daehyun up about his ridiculous ideas of an 11-layer cake (“To represent the 11 years of schooling we’ll have finished”) just in time to scold Joonyoung and assure Boah that we would make time between studying to plan the biggest party yet. 

“I don’t care if it’s a big party. I care that it’s our party,” Boah said. 

“You definitely care if it’s a big party,” Daehyun called. 

“Okay, yeah, but not as much as I care that it’s our party.” 

“And it will be both,” Junhee said. “It will be our big party. Okay? Let’s worry about next year's party next year.” 

But lunch was over and no more planning got done--for this year, or the next.

I’m back in class, and it’s English. If I’m going to LA for a month, I’m going to need to know English. 

Hello.
Goodbye.
How are you?
I’m good, thank you.
Where is the washroom?
Can you take a picture, please?
You’re welcome.
I am sorry.
I don’t speak English.

Haha. I really don’t know much English. I had better pay attention in class. 

School is over now. We are all going to Daehyun’s house to study. I texted my mom about it before I left school. I love being here. Daehyun’s house has just the right number of windows to help me stay focused. Today we’re studying Geography. 

Halfway through studying, it turned into a History lesson. Boah couldn’t remember which year the borders changed into which version. Junhee helped us all remember. 

We quit studying after three hours to have dinner. Daehyun’s parents were used to us a group by now. 

My mom’s just picked me up. She’s talking on the phone with someone from work. I’m going to review some more English. 

June 19 

Our exams start tomorrow. Everyone was at my place today. I didn’t touch my notebook all weekend to focus on studying. All of my attention had to be on the class content. 

I shouldn’t be writing now, either, but I have to get it out of my system: Joonyoung is driving me nuts. 

Junhee mentioned that she wanted to dye her hair in time for the party. To do this, she would have to take time out of her studying with the rest of us. She is the smartest of all of us, she doesn’t need to stay on the books as long as the rest of us do. I would say it’s fair.

Joonyoung is worried that without her there, we would all somehow come to wrong conclusions and learn the wrong things.

First of all, rude. 

We are all plenty smart. We can all manage to figure out the right answers. Besides, it’s one day out of our week of exams. We can discuss answers before the exam itself anyway. 

Secondly, jeez, give her some space???? 

She can do whatever she wants with her time. We are simply lucky she chooses to spend most of it with us. Don’t take that for granted, you know? 

Acting up the way he is is rather childish, and rude to all of us. It’s sending Boah into a spiral of panic. She’s afraid this is the beginning of the end of our friendship, and it’s nearly impossible to convince her that we’re fine. 

Boah, who has lots of experience dying hair, since she does her own every summer, has offered to do Junhee’s hair instead, so that we could all still be together and study. All in an attempt to quail Joonyoung’s tantrum. But Junhee already had an appointment with a good salon, and didn’t want to cancel it. Fair. It’s her time to spend however she wants.

Oh my God I am so peeved at Joonyoung. 

I hope he fails.

June 22

Halfway through exams. 

Party planning is going nicely, too. Sometimes we will take a break from studying to eat and talk exclusively about the party. I’m glad I still get to be part of the planning, even though I don’t get to be at the actual party. 

Tonight we’re sending out the invitations, but everyone already knows to keep the weekend after exams off for us. All they are waiting for is a location. 

“Catering is all good, right? No issues?” Junhee asks, now a lovely blonde. 

Daehyun and I salute. “No issues, ma’am.” 

“Music set is booked?” 

Boah pulled her headphones down to hang from her neck. “Yep!” 

“Joonyoung settled the time and location. I have the invitation design. I will go out and buy plastic plates and disposable utensils tomorrow. The cake will be ready and delivered the morning of the party. Deposits have been paid where due.” Junhee looked up from the list she was reading off of. “Guys this must be the earliest we’ve checked off our to-do list!” 

Of course this called for a round of highfives.

And then it was straight back to the books.

June 25

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!

Exams were done yesterday but the cumulative lack of sleep made it impossible to write last night. I just went straight to bed. 

We’re leaving for LA today. In fact, I am writing in the car to Incheon airport. I had an hour to quickly pack everything I needed and had set out long before (little by little during exam time) and leave. 

The party is tonight. I am feeling sad because this is the first time I’m missing a party since we started throwing them. But I know I’ll be there in spirit. 

My friends came to my house this morning before going to the venue to set everything up. They gave me a going away present, which they had all chipped in to buy, and I opened it right then and there. It was a set of camera lenses that I could clip onto my phone. “Take lots of pictures in LA,” Daehyun said. “Then show us when you come back.” 

Boah cried, and I gave her a hug, and then everyone else joined in. My mom laughed at us. My older brother scoffed, and said, “It’s not like we’re leaving forever. Don’t worry. You’ll come back in one piece.” 

I’m sitting next to my brother now, in the car, except we’ve both got earphones on. He’s watching a movie he downloaded onto his phone, while I am listening to Boah’s party playlist. It just occurred to me that she had requested that I send her cool new songs from LA, but that was when I was thought to be gone well before the party. I guess it would be impossible now. 

My exams went well, I would say. I am satisfied with the answers I gave for the questions I was asked. There weren't any questions left blank. I was pretty sure about my knowledge, too. Nothing felt like it came from left field. 

I’m dreading seeing my cousins. I’m dreading staying with them, and having to use their bathroom. That’s what happened when they came over to Korea a few years ago; we had to share bathrooms and live under the same roof. 

It was terrible. 

I’m hoping I can make one friend that can get me around. It would be great. 

To be honest, I’m still pretty tired from writing all those exams and staying up late and waking up early for a whole week. 

I’m going to sleep a little. 

So, I’m on a plane. 

Wow. 

This is my first time flying internationally. I’ve flown to Jeju twice before; once with my family, and once as a class trip. I’ve never flown out of the country before. 

No, that’s not true. When I was young, my family went to Japan. I’m pretty sure we flew then. But I was young, I hardly remember it. 

The plane is so cool. It’s like a bus, but if you look out the window, instead of highways you see clouds. And sometimes it gets really shaky. It’s more fascinating than it is frightening. 

I can plug my phone into a USB socket on the back of the seat in front of me, right beside the screen where I can watch movies. 

The announcements are all made in English first, and then in Korean. I make a game out of every announcement where I try to understand what it’s saying and then checking with the Korean announcement to see if I’m right. I surprise myself every time with how much I get right. 

June 26

Oh my Lord. Settling in was the worst experience of my life. Apparently it had been decided that the sisters would share a room and my brother and I would take the room the other sister vacated. However, once we got there, the sisters must have remembered how much they hated me because suddenly they were wary of giving up either of their rooms. 

So in the end the sisters got to stay in their own rooms and my brother and I had to have one of them as a roommate. 

So picture this: 

Ashley, the older one, has nothing but pink in her room. I’m almost afraid that anything non-pink that steps into her pinktuary gets automatically sprayed pink. She talks about shopping constantly, won't put any outside food in unless it’s from Starbucks, sprays way too much perfume, and wears an excessive amount of makeup. 

Sonny, the younger one, has an obsession with EDM and rave culture, won’t step out of the house without a flower crown or most of her skin area showing (or both), and I’m pretty sure her rainbow-dyed hair has caused a traffic accident or two. 

It seems like an easy choice. I chose Sonny. I rationalized that she would be too busy clubbing to ever be home at night by the time I went to sleep, and at least I wouldn’t die from the toxic fumes of whatever Ashley wanted to smell like everyday. 

So far, I haven't regretted my decision. Then again, I’ve only been here a night. She didn’t go out, but that was probably just because her parents must have told her to stay in tonight because we were here. 

My uncle and his wife (by extension, my aunt) made great food for us to feast on. They tried to make it like a fusion of Korean and American cuisine. I liked it. My dad and my brother were a little wary of it and didn't like it too much. My mom didn’t like it either, but she did a better job at pretending than they did.

The night ended with all eight of us sitting in the living room, the adults asking about each other’s kids, and talking a lot about their own. My fellow “kids” and I stayed quiet until our names were mentioned. At that point we would perk up, smile at our parents and relatives, and then zone back out. 

All I know is that they spoke about my grades. I didn't focus on what was said about anyone else. 

June 27 

Today my family stayed in again. This was partly because of jetlag. 

I video chatted with my friends, who told me all about the party. They showed me videos from the night and said the total tally of times they were asked about me (including repeats) was 124 times. That made me smile.

Junhee caught a glimpse of Sonny’s hair when she was grabbing her phone charger and gasped. “I want hair like that for next year’s party!” Boah gushed over how bright the colours came out, but before she could ask, Sonny was out the door.

Because we stayed in, nothing interesting happened, really. 

My uncle and I played chess. I let him win, because contrary to popular belief, not every smart kid likes to play chess, even if they’re good at it. He accused me of letting him win. I denied it. “My smarts must have come from somewhere in the family,” I said. 

My dad flicked my forehead.

June 28

Today we went to the Universal Studios Hollywood, which served to remind me that this was a trip meant more for my brother than for me. I mean, I enjoyed it, for sure. I’m not that soulless. 

The eight of us (I was actually surprised that Ashley and Sonny came along, didn’t they have friends that they could complain about wanting to be with?) went together around noon-ish. I left my journal at home because my mom told me to be more observant of the world around me. She’s worried I’ll miss something while I’m writing everything down. 

The overall emotion I felt from the Universal Studios was joy. It was fun. I laughed a lot. It was great.

Then my uncle took us out to eat. He brought us to a steakhouse to have some true American food. 

Ashley ordered a salad. 

My journal entries are so short here compared to when I’m at home. Maybe it’s from the culture shock? Maybe I’m still fatigued from jetlag? Does jetlag last this long? 

Daehyun is messaging me pictures from the party for me to post on all my social media. Even though I wasn’t there, it can’t hurt to have one more person promoting next year’s party already. 

I caption the photos: “Though I was not at the party of all parties last weekend, I was there in spirit in all of you who missed me. Kekekeke. There is no doubt in my mind that there isn’t a single force strong enough to keep me away from next year’s party. It’s going to be LIT.” 

That’s a term I heard Sonny and Ashley use. “It’s gonna be lit.” It means it’s going to be really fun and exciting, I think. I’m pretty sure, because I looked it up after I heard them. 

June 30 

This trip is a lot less “lit” than I thought it would be. 

Yesterday we stayed in again. Well, rather, we went to the mall. I didn't feel like documenting such a mundane task. 

Today we went on a Warner Bros. Studio tour, for which, again, I was told to leave my journal at home. 

Ashley broke the sisters’ silence about not wanting to be there, and my aunt gave her a look that if I had gotten, I might’ve pissed my pants. She had absolutely no reaction other than to keep complaining. 

Sonny was surprisingly not as bad as Ashley. She noticed things I was interested in and translated the little blurbs of information on the placards. She didn’t look super interested in being there, but she had probably been on this tour before. 

I don’t know, LA hasn’t been as cool as everyone promised it would be. I wish I could be back home with my friends. They would be making jokes about what people had worn to the party. Especially the boys. We always made fun of how little effort it looked like the boys put into their outfits. I could’ve been at the party. That would have been cool. 

My mom told my uncle that I had been planning our annual party before coming here. My uncle then told Sonny that she should take me out clubbing. He suggested that I meet her friends. 

Sonny halfheartedly agreed, but I’m sure she’ll go through with it. She’s not like Ashley in that manner. She actually listens to her parents. 

July 2

I finally found my journal after having it stolen. I was frantic. I literally keep all of my thoughts and feelings in here. For someone to read it would be the biggest intrusion of my privacy that I can think of. 

Turns out my brother and Ashley took it because after one night of poking fun about me and Sonny being so different than them the conversation turned to Ashley being curious about my journal. 

Sonny, who had started going out late at night again, caught them and got it back from them. 

Ashley and my brother are bonding fast. I sense a rift between Ashley and Sonny. They aren’t the inseparable duo they were a few years ago. Sonny is decidedly less annoying than her older sister. 

Sonny has invited me to meet her friends the way my uncle had suggested before. From now on, I won’t let the journal out of my sight, no matter what my mom says. So I will document everything that happens. 

While Sonny gets ready to go out, I guess I’ll catch up on what we did on the days I didn’t have my journal. 

We went to Disneyland Park, and I so wish I had my journal that day. I absolutely loved it. It was so much fun! I got to meet all the characters from my childhood and go on rides. 

Something really awkward happened while we were there. My family and I broke off into groups: my brother and Ashley, Sonny and me, and the adults. While Sonny and I walked, we stopped at all the games that we saw, and tried to win more than each other. When she tried to win the balloon dart game, she couldn’t get it. However, I won the biggest prize which was a rather large teddy bear. It wouldn’t make sense for me to keep it, since there was no way I could take it back to Korea with me (even though I wanted to). So I offered it to her. The woman behind the counter said something too fast for me to understand, and it made Sonny blush and shake her head. She later told me that the lady had assumed we were dating until she told her we were cousins. 

Sonny is finally ready. She’s got on black skinny jeans ripped everywhere, and a loose dark purple camisole under a black leather jacket. Her rainbow hair is widely braided at both sides of her head, and she is staring at me, waiting for me to finish writing. 

She calls an Über, which is like a taxi, she explains, but it’s just someone driving in their own car. She says it’s cheaper. 

The driver is a guy and pulls up in a cool black car, Sonny sits in the front seat, and I sit in the back. She tells the driver the destination and now we are moving. 

Ashley has taken my brother out to meet her friends a few times now. He seems to have hit it off with them fairly well. I hope I can get along with Sonny’s friends. It’s kind of lonely here. However, I am pretty worried about communicating with them.

I video chatted with my friends back home again yesterday. I can tell Boah is glad that I’m eager to go home. Junhee, who was the last of them to log off, told me Boah’s been scared I’ll like it here and decide to come more often or even move here. I told her there was no chance of that and to tell Boah the same. 

Sonny turns around to face me. “By the way,” she says, “all my friends are Korean. You’ll like them, I promise.” 

That makes things so much easier. 

We get to a park where there are just walking trails and benches. I can hear a group of people speaking in Korean, and I automatically know it’s them. Sonny gets out of the car, and so do I. 

There are six of them. All boys. Is Sonny not friends with any girls? I’m wrong. She is, she tells me, but they are all away for the summer. Only the boys are left. 

“Hey look, the sun came out! It’s Sonny!” one of the boys shouts. Sonny waves her arms wildly. 

The one that shouted is Hoseok. (We’ve decided that while I’m here, everyone uses their Korean names to make things easier for me. The only exception is Sonny, because I’m used to her name.) Hoseok has a gigantic grin that makes me feel guilty for not smiling with him. 

They are all smiling. Jimin’s eyes disappear when he smiles, and he is the one with a laugh that sounds like wind chimes. 

Namjoon rests an arm on Sonny’s shoulder. “You must be the cousin Sonny told us absolutely nothing about,” he says to me. He’s pretty tall. 

Seokjin has blonde hair and is holding a box of chicken nuggets. He offered one but I said no. Taehyung tells me never to expect a food offering from Seokjin ever again. Everyone laughs. 

Yoongi, whose hair is mint green, and whose smile includes gums (apparently all the time?) says it’s nice to meet me. 

Why is it nice to meet me? What if meeting me ends up being the worst thing to ever happen to them? 

They are curious about this journal. Sonny explains that I write down all of my feelings and thoughts in here, and that the journal is never ever to be read by any of them. They all swear never to even touch it. I appreciate the gesture, but remind myself not to trust anyone anyway; my own brother has stolen this journal. 

For now I’ll put it away and the crew and I will head out, probably to go dancing. 

That was the most fun I’ve had since I stepped foot on this continent.

I was right, we did go dancing. We went to their favourite club, and Jimin helped me get through security. He and Taehyung are the closest to me in age, so I think it will be the easiest to get along with them. Everyone else is even older than me, though Namjoon and Hoseok are only a year older than Taehyung and Jimin. And Yoongi is only a year older than them. And Seokjin is only a year older than him.

Man, I’m a baby. 

Anyway.

I definitely heard a lot of songs I need to send to Boah. Maybe they could be used next year, or in the winter mini-party. The winter party is a lot more formal, and it’s the school that plans it, but Boah has been in charge of the music since she started high school. 

Clubbing with Sonny and her friends. Right. That’s our topic. 

Honestly, I love her friends already. They are exactly my type of people, as far as I can tell, but I’ll be cautious for a little bit. Maybe they only seem that way because I don’t know them really well yet. 

I also think Sonny’s not as bad as I thought or remembered her to be. Maybe she’s changed over the few years apart and now she’s a lot more someone I would willingly spend time with. 

Was I too judgemental before? Maybe I would've found out she and I were similar earlier if I had just approached her instead of assuming she was the same annoying girl as before. 

I need to sleep now. We’re going to the Griffith Observatory tomorrow. Finally, something for me!

July 3

I loved everything about the Griffith Observatory. 

I had my journal with me (again, never leaving it alone again. Remember that, Jungkook) but I really wanted to focus on the stuff going on. 

It was really nerdy of me, I know. I really got to nerd out, and Sonny helped me ignore everything Ashley and my brother said. 

“Look at that,” she’d say really loudly if they began to say anything, and point at something, anything. Then she would find information about it, and then be extra passionate about translating it for me. 

I mean, I appreciate it. But it isn’t necessary. I live with that evil creature. It’s impossible to survive without some thick skin. What’s a little bit of Umbridge-pink frosting on top of the cake of dish sponges?

Sonny and her friends and I are going bowling tonight. She told me to wear a white shirt so the blacklights make it look cool. She wore white short shorts, an ice blue camisole, and a long mens-style short sleeved button up that went past her shorts and was obviously fit for women to wear. She didn’t button it up. 

Again, we Übered. The bowling alley isn’t crowded, but it certainly isn’t empty. All in all, it’s the perfect balance between the two states. The way I think a person should be. They shouldn’t have too many people around them. They’ll feel suffocated. But they shouldn’t have too little people around them. They’ll feel lonely. 

Maybe that’s just a formula that works for some people. I don’t know, I like my group of five friends. Sonny seems to like her wider circle of friends. I think all is good as long as you’re happy. 

Back to bowling. 

Joonyoung and I always compete for first place and the others usually divide third, fourth, and fifth among themselves. So it’s safe to say I’m fairly good at bowling. (HA. “Fairly good”. I’m the best. Joonyoung can kiss my striking .) 

It’s also no surprise to me that I am currently creaming everyone else. Taehyung is the best among everyone else (besides me, of course). Yoongi sits out of the game, preferring to watch instead. Jimin asks for me to coach him, so when it’s neither of our turns, I will coach him. 

He’s a good learner. All I had to do was move his body into position, kind of like molding a clay statue. (Jimin’s got muscles in parts of his arms I wasn’t even aware was possible. Maybe I should get him to share his gym routine for payment?) Soon enough, he is almost at my level. 

Hoseok treats us to burgers and fries, and it is almost gone in an instant. Namjoon follows it up with two plates of nachos. Those are really good, I discover. I take lots of photos to send to my friends later. 

“Ha ha!” Taehyung laughs, staring at me right in the eyes, and there’s a gleam in his. “I’m ahead of you, and it’s the last round!” 

It makes me smirk. “That’s great, Taehyung,” I say, and I know it makes him uneasy. He’s not great at poker faces. 

I’m up. It’s my turn to set this record clean and straight. 

Ha ha! I beat him. 

He angrily breaks off a square from Seokjin’s chocolate bar while the oldest takes his turn. 

Jimin is sitting in Hoseok’s lap. Apparently it’s because Hoseok called Jimin dead weight, and Jimin wanted to prove it. 

Hoseok starts to get up. Reflexively, I think, Jimin wraps his arms around Hoseok’s neck, and the older carries him bridal style to the vending machines. 

“How romantic,” Namjoon laughs under his breath. 

When they come back, they’re both walking. Jimin is feeding Hoseok sour gummies. 

I wonder if they’re dating. It’s none of my business, but I’m still kind of curious. I’ll ask Sonny tonight. Haha it would be really awkward if they aren’t and Sonny tells them I thought they were. 

Oh my God I am laughing so hard right now. Taehyung was being angry at me in the most passive aggressive way, and in one of his attempts to non-subtly turn his back to me, he knocked over his cup of Cola. It’s all over both of us, and he’s torn between apologizing and being mad at me. It’s hilarious. 

We’re both going to the bathroom. I am entrusting this notebook to Sonny. SONNY IF YOU READ IT I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HAIR AND GLUE IT TO THE INSIDE OF YOUR FAVOURITE JACKET. 

I’m back. If Taehyung was mad before, he’s pissed now because his shirt, we saw in the much clearer light of the bathroom, got the better portion of the cup’s content. He’s taken it off, as he’s wearing a tight black shirt under the one that got to soda on it. As for me, I was able to just soap and rinse it out, and I dried the small spot under the hand dryers. 

Very nice way to get close to someone, Jungkook. 

Can you tell I’m definitely a professional friend-maker? 

But why can’t I stop laughing?

(Taehyung’s not as toned as Jimin. But still, not non-athletic. Jeez, I feel less adequate. I really need to start working out.) 

As we head out, we make plans for tomorrow. 4th of July. Amazing. 

Right before I go to bed, I ask Sonny about Hoseok and Jimin. She laughs, and says I’m close but not quite. She won’t explain further, and challenges me to find out for myself. 

July 4

The entire house is covered in red, white, and blue. I guess my aunt and uncle are more patriotic than I had thought. It’s super amusing. 

We’ve got pancakes for breakfast. Some are blueberry, some are strawberry, and some have white chocolate chips. Even Ashley has ditched her pink for a tank top with an American flag on it. 

Sonny decides that the only fitting and relevant thing I have looks too touristy. With a quick phone call, she tells me she’s going to fix that. 

I find myself in front of a door, and once it is open, I am pulled inside. Sonny walks in behind me and closes the door. The one who pulled me in turns out to be Taehyung, and this is his house. 

“Oh my God, you were right. This looks terrible,” Taehyung says. 

I look fine. 

I’m just wearing jeans and a white shirt with a waving American flag. What is so wrong about that? 

“All he’s missing is the fanny pack, and the camera strapped to his neck. And a visor. Gross.” 

Groan. 

“Don’t worry, Jungkook,” Taehyung says. I wasn’t worried. “I’ll fix you up nicely.” 

He takes a hold of my wrist and guides me up the winding stairs to his room. Again, Sonny follows. In there, the two of them pore over Taehyung’s closet. They hold up different articles of clothing, and point out what goes well and what doesn’t. That leads to a suggestion of something else to replace it, and now that combination is judged. 

The pair have amassed a pile on the ground taller than Taehyung’s bed. It’s just a smorgasbord of red, white, and blue in the room, until finally they find something to suit me and the occasion. 

What they find is not at all different from what I'm already wearing. It’s a white shirt with an American flag on it, and blue jeans. “What is the difference?” I ask. 

They turn me towards a full length mirror and hold out the outfit beside me. “Look,” Sonny says, pointing at the graphics on my shirt, “this looks like clipart you’d see on an elementary school project about the US.” Gesturing to the shirt Taehyung is holding, she says, “This one has a more raw feeling. Look, the flag isn’t just clear cut, it fades into the white, and even where the flag isn’t, you can see sneak peeks of red and white stripes, or white stars over blue.”

“Your jeans,” Taehyung explains, “are just jeans. These jeans are skinnier, purposefully ripped at just the right places, and don’t go all the way down to your ankles.” 

I blink. It still makes no sense to me.

“It’s fashion,” they summarize. “Go change.” 

Okay. So now I’m wearing Taehyung’s clothes. They smell nice, which is a plus, I guess. They fit me, which I’m actually surprised about. 

“Alright. Let’s go.” 

The three of us headed out to meet the rest of the gang at the park where I had first met them two days ago. 

Jimin ruffles my hair and tells me I look good. Seokjin is excited that they are the ones I chose to celebrate the 4th of July with. Namjoon has brought beer. Now, I’m no stranger to drinking, but aren't the laws stricter here? Sonny tells me no one cares on the 4th of July but something tells me she’s just saying that.

We head down to the beach with a bunch of folding chairs that Hoseok, Yoongi, and Seokjin are carrying. There is one for each of us. It’s crowded but we manage to find a spot just close enough to someone else’s campfire to stay warm. 

“The fireworks look so much better when you’re buzzed,” Jimin promises, handing me a can.

I decide that if I had to lose all inhibition for a day, what better day than this one? And I take it. 

American beer is weird. I’m not a fan of beer in the first place, but I think this beer is easier to get used to. I can feel myself grow to like it with each sip. 

Music plays loudly from the booth quite the distance away. I can feel it vibrating my bones as though it were travelling through the ground and upwards from the heels of my feet. I take off my shoes and let the sand trickle through my toes. 

Sonny is sitting between Namjoon and Seokjin, and all of their heads are leaning against each other. Namjoon whispers something and Sonny laughs, Seokjin smiles. 

Hoseok and Jimin are at it again, spraying each other with water bottles. They are laughing, and it looks really fun. Yoongi tells them not to waste water and that the state’s in a drought because of idiots like them, and they both turn their water bottles to the green-haired man. 

Taehyung is watching me write. “Why do you write everything down?” he asks. 

“I feel like if I don’t I won’t ever remember how it felt to be in every moment that I live. I feel like it’ll all just slip away.” 

“Is that so bad?” 

Is it? Maybe. What are memories made of? Feeling? Thought? Action? A combination? 

Who am I if I can’t remember everything that crosses my mind? Do I even know myself then? 

“I mean,” he continues when I don’t answer, “isn’t it such a chore to have to carry that around and write everything down?” 

That’s an easier question to answer. “No. I like it. It gives me an excuse not to talk to people.” 

“Huh. I would’ve pegged you for the social butterfly type.” His tone is not condescending. It’s… amused? 

“Of course, I love meeting people and making new friends. I also like remembering all of those friends.” 

“Don’t you trust your brain for that?” 

I shrug. 

“Are you getting down everything I’m saying?”

“The gist of it.”

“You must be great at taking notes in class, then.” 

“I’d say so, yeah.” 

“Amazing.” 

I chug down the very little left in my can, and Taehyung watches. (Why does he observe me like I’m some newly discovered specimen?) He then hands me a new can. I get halfway that one faster that the last, because I’m already used to the taste. 

As the clock nears 11, which is when the fireworks are set to begin, the music hypes up. I really want to jump up and dance. 

Apparently I’m not alone. Taehyung sees my fidgeting legs and offers his hand out to take me closer to the shore, where a lot of people are dancing. 

See you later, journal. Stay safe. Bite anyone that tries to open you.

Except me, of course. 

Hello again. 

Boy I’m thirsty.

I have just finished the rest of my beer, and chugged a whole third can. 

Dude. 

Taehyung’s a great dancer. Maybe I didn't notice in the club because it was too dark, but he really is great. 

My heart is pounding. 

It was a great workout. 

We’re back to watch the fireworks that should strat any mnitue now.

Haha og my hod I’m makng so many mitsakes.

Am I dunk?

Durnk. I meant dnruk.

Oh boy.

Hahahahaha.

What will Sonny tell my praents? 

Hahahahaha.

Her problem. 

I can’t hold myself up anymore. Taehyung is soft.

He breathes up and down and I feel like I’m on a rowboat. Or a canoe. Kayak? 

Now he is laughing about me being a lightweight. Is he gonna carry me like Hoseok and Jimin yesterday? 

I’m a lightweight. I admit.

He is running his fingers in my hair. I think he is aslo on his thrid drink. 

From my angle, when I look up at him, he looks like an angel. He smiles when he catches me looking. 

My mouth is dry. 

Boy I’m thirsty again.

I ask for another drink and Hoseok gives me one. Sonny asks if I’ve had enouhg. How should I know? Haha.

I’m trying not to make so many mistakes. But I am writing in pen. Forgive me.

I start drinking my fourth. 

The first firework is red it's one of those circle ones that ripple through it's really pretty. 

And then BOOM BOOM BADABADABADA BOOM! Hahaha all of the colours (and by all I mean, of course, red, blue, and white) are in the sky and it’s beautiful. I look at Taehyung to make sure he’s looking at it, and I can see all of the colours in his eyes. 

I want to take photos, but that’s actually pretty dumb. I’m not going to ever look back at it. 

But I could post it on social media. 

I scramble for my phone. I even have the lenses my friends got me. 

I take lots and lots and lots of photos because I’m drunk and I need to make sure that I have a wide selection tomorrow to post the best, least blurry photo. 

And then I’m back with Taehyung. This time he’s got his arm out waiting for me to lean into his chest. Who does he think he is? I’m not sure, but I know he’s warm. 

The fireworks are changing shapes now. They are in stars. And in spirals. There are the ones that look like shooting stars. 

The air smells like smoke now. I turn my face because at least Taehyung smells better. I think my nose tickles him, though, because he giggles and squirms. 

We laugh at each other. 

Oh my God. 

I just kissed Kim Taehyung. Or did Kim Taehyung kiss me? 

It happened so fast. 

We were just laughing at each other and trying to tickle one another, when suddenly we found our faces super close and his lips on mine.

He tasted like beer. I probably tasted like beer, too. 

He’s staring at me.

I think he wants to kiss me again. 

I want to kiss him again. 

We kissed again. 

What in the world is happening?

July 5 

I remember almost nothing of last night. 

It’s moments like these when I am glad I write things down. I hope I wrote things down while drunk, too.

Holy crap what the hell?!

I kissed Taehyung? (Or did he kiss me? Still not clear. Thanks a lot, Drunk-kook.) 

Oh my God that is ridiculous. What do I do? Does he remember? If he does, what happens? Do we talk about it, or pretend nothing happened? If he doesn't remember, should I tell him? Or should I let him stay in blissful obliviousness? 

Did anyone see us? I didn’t write anything about anyone else! I was so freaking fixated on Kim Taehyung. 

How did we even get home? My head hurts. I know the toxicity of the alcohol will catch up to me soon enough. I should go to the bathroom. 

I was right on time with the whole bathroom thing. 

I threw up almost as soon as I got there. 

Sonny is sleeping, but she left me a glass of water and two painkillers on a napkin. She must have set it out last night because she has some on her nightstand, too. 

I need her to wake up so I can ask her what I should do. 

Wait. Should I even tell Sonny? 

What if Taehyung doesn’t want anyone to find out? Then he would feel burdened to know that I already told Sonny. 

I should talk to him face to face. 

We aren’t meeting up today. Today my family and I are going swimming at the beach. The same one we were at yesterday. 

There is a lot of garbage left on the beach. Did we clean up? I hope so. I would hate to be rude to the Earth like that. 

“Hey, Jungkook,” Sonny starts, and I don’t like the tone of her voice. “I don’t know if you remember about last night…” 

Inhale. I’m not gonna tell her I remember kissing Taehyung unless she tells me she saw us. 

“You kissed Taehyung.” 

Exhale. “I know… I wrote about it.” 

“Are you gay?” 

Am I gay? It had never been a thing to cross my mind. I’d never been attracted to girls, but I just attributed that to being a late bloomer. Am I gay? I can’t ever distinctly remember being attracted to guys, either. I think I pay more attention to them. Does that count? 

“I don’t know,” I answer. 

“It’s okay if you are,” Sonny says. 

“Okay. I still don't know, though.” 

“Okay.” 

That’s the end of that conversation. 

I obviously did not go swimming with my journal. I hid it in Sonny’s bag, between her towels. 

Swimming wasn't as fun as it would have been if I didn’t have this massive issue preoccupying my head. 

How the hell do I even approach the topic? Sonny says the best thing to do is to communicate head-on with Taehyung. She would know her friends well, right? So she would know how they’d handle it? If she’s suggesting this, then that must mean that it’s a good idea.

She even offered to be there with us. I asked if that would help, and she says it might. No harm in trying. 

She is going to get the three of us together soon. 

We eat dinner at a shoreside seafood restaurant. My brother is on his phone constantly, and sometimes he shows something to Ashley and they giggle. 

Sonny and I talk too, about her friends. I think she’s trying to show off that she can be a good host, too. Is she trying to one up Ashley? I do want to know if something happened between them. The topic has never come up. I doubt she’ll want to talk about it when Ashley can hear her. I’ll ask her at night. 

Sonny tells me that Jimin, Hoseok, and Taehyung want me to go to the movies with them.

Taehyung wants me to go? What does that mean? 

I tell her I’ll go, and she tells Jimin. 

All my life I thought I knew myself. In fact, I thought there wasn’t anyone who knew me better than me. Now faced with what should be a simple question if I really know myself, I blank. I don’t know. Am I gay? Am I straight? Somewhere in between? 

Maybe this trip to LA will be how I find myself. 

July 6

I am meeting Taehyung today. We’re meeting at a coffee shop and Sonny is going to be there with us. 

I am actually nervous. Sonny has no idea how he will deal with this. She says he knows we kissed. 

I wonder what he’ll expect from me.

What do I expect from him?

Well, it’d be great if he’s understanding that I was drunk and didn’t really mean to kiss him. 

Would I kiss him sober? 

Maybe that’s the test I’ll use to determine if I’m gay.

Okay, I’ve had bad ideas, but that one has just knocked itself into first place.

But would I kiss him? 

His lips look soft. If I could remember that night, I would know if they are for sure, but for now I just have to guess. I said they tasted like beer. That means that his lips are quick to take on the taste of whatever he had last. Imagine kissing him after he’s finished a lollipop… 

What am I thinking about?

Anyway. I think I’m ready to go meet him. Sonny is ready to leave, too. 

Ashley asks us where we’re going. Sonny tells her we’re visiting her biological parents to see if they’ll take Ashley back. Then she grabs me and pulls me out of the house before Ashley can say anything. 

“I didn’t know Ashley was adopted,” I say. 

“She’s not. I’m just teasing her.” 

I ask her what happened between them. They used to be so close. Attached at the hips. 

She says it’s a long story. 

We’re walking to the coffee shop. Sonny advises that maybe I should put the journal away while I talk to Taehyung. He might be intimidated. That’s fair. 

Sonny and I order our drinks. I get a caramel macchiato and Sonny gets a latte. 

We sit and we wait for Taehyung. The bells above the door jingle, and a couple of times it’s not him, but then finally, it is. 

He looks really good. Had I noticed that before or is it all just because I’ve spent the last 24 hours thinking about how I kissed him?

We make eye contact and he smiles briefly. That’s gotta be a good sign. 

Maybe Sonny shouldn’t be here. I don’t know, what if she makes it awkward for him to talk freely? I think Sonny has the same idea, because she whispers to me that she’ll stay to lighten up the mood a little, and then she’ll go to the bathroom, and Taehyung and I can talk. 

He joins us with his coffee. I’ll write later. 

Well alrighty then. Hasn’t this been a wonderful day. 

The general consensus we reached is that it happened, we were both drunk when it happened, it didn't mean anything, and no one has to know. 

Fair enough. 

He was nice about it, for the most part. He apologized for getting us stuck in that situation, though if anything, we should share the blame. 

“I can’t believe it,” Sonny says, now that Taehyung is gone. She’s disappointed that we didn’t become an item. “So we can’t even tell anybody?” 

It turns out they’ve been trying to get Taehyung a partner for a long time, but he was so picky. They’d been sure that since he’d kissed me on his own free will, that maybe we could be a thing. 

Did no one think to ask me when they were planning that? 

Sonny and I went shopping. She helped me buy new clothes and I held her hand while she got a third lobe piercing. Completely on a whim. She says she wants me to be there when she gets her first tattoo. She says she wants something small, but meaningful. 

That would be cool. To see how tattoos are done, I mean. 

I tell her that next time they visit Korea, I’ll be sure to introduce her to my friends. She says she looks forward to it and that maybe they’ll come to Korea next summer. I say she can even come to next year’s end of the year party, if she can make it. 

I ask her how she met her friends. “Was it from school? Like, did you all go to the same school?” 

“Kind of, but not quite. We’ve all been in the same Saturday Korean class since we were little.” 

“Even with the age difference?” 

“There weren't enough of us to make separate classes for separate grades.” 

That’s kind of cute. They grew up together. They must be really, really close. I haven’t even met the girls of the friend group. Apparently a friend group is called a “squad”. 

She took me to her favourite Vietnamese restaurant and we had our dinner there. Maybe the most valuable piece of information I can go back to Korea with is that I have a really cool cousin that I am actually friends with. I don’t have to ever dread family reunions anymore. 

July 7

Santa Monica Pier!!!

That’s where we went today. We all ran around like five year olds in a candy store. Sonny and I did a tour of everything three times. 

When we were done with the rides, we gorged on all the food. Ashley and my brother even joined us and remained civilized all day. It was a surprise. 

I keep forgetting to ask Sonny about what happened between her and Ashley. I know exactly how to get Sonny to remind me. 

“Hey,” I say to get her attention. “I have a question for you but I’m going to ask you at night.” 

“Just ask now.” 

“Not here.” She might jump to conclusions and assume it’s about my ual orientation, or Taehyung, or any of the other guys. That’s okay.

“Okay.” 

We went about the day. We took family photos. Us four kids got together for a cousins picture, plastering on fake smiles to please our parents. 

This trip is driving my brother and I farther than we were before, if that was even possible. I’m going to have to deal with the aftermath of that when I get home. I won’t have Sonny there to help me ignore him. I will have my friends though. So I won’t be alone. I won’t have to deal with him after all. Yay!

My mom is telling my aunt about how happy she is that I’m enjoying myself thanks to Sonny. I agree with that. I am really thankful to Sonny for making this trip more than bearable. She makes it pleasant. 

Her next birthday card is gonna have “Favourite Cousin” on it. 

I haven’t video chatted with my friends in a while. I wonder how their summer is going. They’ve all commented on my 4th of July post. That was our last communication. 

I’ll be sure to chat them soon. Maybe when I get back home.

By home I mean my uncle’s house. 

Sonny wants to go on the Ferris wheel again and take photos. The sun is starting to set, so it’ll be extra pretty. 

We both pose with the sky, making different faces. Our cheeks are pressed together, and for some of the pictures end up of us just laughing both together and at each other.

We go home, and I call my friends over video. They wave at me as soon as we connect, and I get Sonny to say hi to them too. We talk a lot about what they’ve been doing lately, and then I tell them about my past few days. I leave out the Taehyung part. There’s no need to share that. 

“We miss you,” Boah says. “Come back soon.”

“Parties aren’t the same without you,” Joonyoung claims. 

Junhee gets a chance to ask Sonny about how she got her hair to show the colours so bright. As they chat about hair, Daehyun jokes that Sonny should dye my hair. 

Sonny’s eyes widen. It’s terrifying. 

“I’m going to do that,” she says. 

“No, you’re not,” I say. 

I know, deep down, that she is. Honestly, I’m resisting just to resist. I’m not adverse to the idea of dying my hair a crazy colour. 

“Blue? Green?” Sonny asks. 

“Violet!” Joonyoung cheers.

“Orange!” Daehyun yells. 

“Guys, be serious,” Junhee says. “Really, it’s gotta be blue or green. This is Jungkook we’re talking about.” 

What does that even mean?

Boah’s got the idea of the century. “Teal. It’s between both blue and green. It would suit Jungkook well.” 

So apparently it’s teal. That’s what I’m going home with. 

Before Sonny and I go to bed, she reminds me to ask her the question. 

Oh yeah. See, my plan worked. I’d forgotten about that. 

“What exactly happened between you and Ashley?” 

“We grew apart naturally.” 

“No you didn’t. You guys got along fine, like, two years ago. How did you go from that to this?” 

“She’s just too different when it comes to things that matter to me. She’d completely erase every word of Korean from her memory if she could. She’s trying to distance herself from our culture. That’s her choice, sure, I can’t change her mind about that. I just don’t want to be close with her anymore.” 

I sit crosslegged on my mattress, cleansing my face. In my lap is the teddy bear I won and gifted to Sonny.

“I would've been fine just leaving her alone if she had left me alone. You wanna know something? The friends I’ve introduced you to weren’t always my best friends. I used to have a whole other squad from school. The kids from Korean school were basically just weekend friends. I had the regular high school kid experience. I had a boyfriend, he wasn’t Asian, he was Caucasian. But Ashley couldn’t stand that I could evenly balance my culture with such a multicultural environment, and that me doing so made my parents happy. She couldn’t survive the pressure of being a first generation American, so she couldn’t stand seeing other people do it. She went behind my back, and befriended all of my friends, and slowly made them despise me by spreading lies and rumours.” 

Ashley did? Miss Pink Fairy Dust? 

“She was smart about it. I was busy maintaining my Korean background. She stopped going to Korean school in the ninth grade. I was busy with that, and Ashley used that to her advantage. I couldn’t deny things I was never asked. Because she had sneakily befriended them, and gained their trust, and also because she was my sister, none of my friends doubted anything she told them. With similar tactics, she even convinced my boyfriend that she’s the more worthy sister.” 

“He broke up with you for her?” 

“Oh, no, I wish. He cheated on me with her, and I broke up with him.” 

“Wow. I’m so sorry all of that happened to you.” 

“If the people around me were that easy to turn against me, then the only thing Ashley managed to do was weed them out. If anything she did me a favour. I went through a rough patch of depression, and in that time, the Korean school kids were the only ones who reached out to me. Ever since, they’ve been my second family.” 

I now understand that the bond she feels with her current friends is a sacred one. 

“It’s ironic. She tried to distance me from what I love, but she only ended up pushing me further into it.” 

July 8

It’s movie day!

Lately I’ve been more excited when I wake up, what is going on?

Jimin is picking me up from the house, and we’re going to meet Hoseok and Taehyung at the theatre. I’ve never watched an English movie without subtitles before, but I think I can trust the others enough to get me through whatever I don't understand.

I wear some of the new clothes that Sonny and I had bought together. 

Jimin comes early, so he joins us to have breakfast. My aunt and uncle are not fazed one bit. Ashley is uncomfortable, though, and maybe I’m only noticing now because I have reason to observe her reaction. It really is very subtle. Jimin is surprised that I have a brother. Neither Sonny nor I had ever mentioned him to anyone. The other guys must have just assumed I was an only child. 

My parents are pleased that I am close enough to Sonny’s friends now that I can go out with them and without her. I wonder if my brother can go out with Ashley’s friends without her. I’m a little curious now to meet Ashley’s friends, at least once. 

Jimin and I leave after breakfast. Sonny is staying in today and helping both of our mothers out with the house cleaning today. 

“So,” Jimin says, “are you excited?” 

“Yeah,” I answer. “I really want to see an American movie theater.” 

Jimin asks me about my favourite movies and shows. He asks me which dramas I like, and which animes I like. Then he tells me his own. 

He tells me Hoseok was once cast as a background extra in a drama. I ask him which one but he tells me Hoseok has banned anyone from revealing the name. 

I don’t want to directly ask what his relationship with Hoseok is. Instead I ask when they met. 

“I’ve known him all my life. My mom was friends with his when she was pregnant with me.” 

Not very revealing. 

“You guys seem close.” 

“We’ve dated.” 

Whoa okay more information than I had hoped for.

I am amazed. 

“You guys are good now?” 

“We’re actually, like, on-again, off-again. Now we’re off.” 

That’s them when they’re off?

“We’re friendly when we’re off because it would be selfish to bring the squad’s mood down with our relationship issues. Also it speeds up the process of going back on.” 

“Why go off then? Normally that’s not a planned thing, right?” 

“It keeps it fresh a little. The offs are never planned, and they’re pretty spread out.” 

“What happens if you find someone else while you’re off? Like, is it like a break, where there are rules? Or is it like a break-up, where everything is fair game?” 

Jimin throws an arm around my shoulders. “Fair game. Kind of.” He chuckles. “So, you and Taehyung, huh?” 

“Nah. We were drunk. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Is that what he said?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Jesus Christ I’m gonna murder that kid.” 

“Why? I agree with him.” 

He shakes his head. “You’ll find out soon.” 

What is there to find out?

Hoseok and Taehyung are at the theatre already. I can hear Taehyung complaining about being a third wheel. As we approach, Taehyung turns around, and sees me. He blinks a couple of times, and the corners of his mouth turns very slightly upwards. Then he slaps Hoseok upside the head, and whispers into his ear something that makes Hoseok laugh.

Jimin laughs too, and it still sounds like wind chimes. “Hello, boys. Ready for the movie?” 

“Just us four?” Taehyung asks. “No other surprise guests?” 

Am I a surprise?

We go in and get settled. Jimin insists on sitting next to me. Hoseok insists on not sitting next to Jimin and I. Jimin wants an aisle seat. In the end I’m seated between Taehyung and Jimin, Hoseok on Taehyung’s other side. I wonder if this is another ploy to get Taehyung and I together.

Movie's starting. 

Movie's done.

I could hardly focus on the movie. Jimin and Hoseok fought over the popcorn until Taehyung confiscated it from both of them. I got to eat it, too. Our hands brushed together once. It stopped my breath very briefly. It seemed not to have an effect on him. 

I don’t understand why I’m being like this. Just because we kissed we aren’t anything in relation to each other. I don’t know why I’m reacting in such a way to being near him. 

Hoseok wants to take Jimin home. Jimin says he has to take me home instead. 

Jimin takes me home. 

On the way he asks me what I would think of Taehyung and I being together. I can’t answer right away. 

“Let’s say,” he says, “Taehyung comes up to you right now and confesses that he likes you. What would you say?” 

“I’d ask if he’s drunk again.” 

At home, I sit with Sonny on her bed and I tell her about my confusion. She’s older. She must know what’s going on with me. And it’s not like I’m going to talk to my brother or my dad. 

“It is very normal for you to be confused,” she says, “but I can’t tell you what path you should take. That is entirely up to you. What I can do is just be here. I will be by your side no matter what.” 

Man I freaking love her so much. Can I just take her back home with me?

July 9

Today I’m staying home, too. Ashley is leaving my brother behind today. So today my family is almost completely home, only Ashley isn’t. 

The cleaning wasn’t finished yesterday. We also need to make food. 

Later tonight the whole squad is coming over for dinner. 

Seokjin is the first to show up. “Of course it’s you,” says my uncle, opening the door for him, “you’d never come this early unless there was promise of food.” With a loving ruffle of the boy’s hair, he lets him in. 

Slowly, everyone else comes. One by one. Namjoon, right after Seokjin, because he knows that if Seokjin is left alone with the food, there would be no more food, and he knows Seokjin would get here early. Jimin and Hoseok, Hoseok following Jimin so as not to leave him alone. Sonny says Hoseok is jealous of the attention Jimin has been giving me. Taehyung is next, followed by Ashley returning home, and a while later, Yoongi shows up. No one is surprised that he is last, and that he looks like he rolled from his bed to our front door. 

I made the kimbap on the table, and it turns out to be the most popular dish. My mom’s naengmyeon is good, too. I tell her that, because it’s true and I can see her getting upset that no one is saying anything about her food.

Everyone but Jimin is surprised I have a brother again. Hoseok is upset that Jimin knew something about me that no one else did until now. Jeez, I’m going to be the definite end of their relationship by the end of this trip, aren’t I? And I don’t even mean to be.

After dinner, we all go to the basement to marathon a bunch of Bae Doona movies. Apparently it’s tradition that started in the ninth grade, they’d all get together at someone’s house once a month, and watch a bunch of Korean movies with a certain theme. Today’s theme was Bae Doona. 

First we watch Korea: As One. The one with Bae Doona and Ha Jiwon about the united Korean table tennis team. 

Then we watch A Girl At My Door, which makes me cry. Kim Saeron looks so young here. To be honest, Korea: As One made me cry, too. 

Some of the guys have fallen asleep already. I think Yoongi fell asleep during the first movie. Sonny gets up to put on the third movie. Hoseok is awake, wiping away tears from that last movie. I’m awake (obviously). Taehyung and Sonny are awake. Seokjin looks like he’s sleeping, but his hand keeps reaching for the chips and alerting us he’s awake. 

“Truth or Dare?” suggests Hoseok. 

“What are we, a group of prepubescent girls?” Sonny asks. 

Hoseok points at her, and she throws a pillow at him. “I have been through puberty, mister. For your information, puberty did me fine.” 

“Puberty ripped you off,” he says, staring pointedly at her chest. 

“Are you really one to brag?” she asks, staring pointedly at his lap. 

Taehyung and I can’t catch our breaths laughing. Whoever was sleeping before is awake now. Besides Yoongi. He might be dead, actually. 

With the third movie (I don’t even know its name, I stopped watching. I think it’s called Tunnel?) playing in the background, all of us sit around and play Truth or Dare. 

Jimin goes first. He chooses to ask Hoseok. Hoseok chooses Truth. “Have you ever lied to me since we started dating?”

“Is this counting or excluding the times we’ve been broken up?” 

“Counting.” 

Hoseok thinks a little. “No, I haven’t.” 

Sonny claps. “Jimin, keep him. I’ve witnessed him lie to his own mother. Know your worth.” 

Jimin gives Hoseok a kiss on the cheek. 

Hoseok chooses me. I choose Truth as well. “Was Taehyung your first kiss?” 

I laugh. Taehyung claps two pillows over his ears. When he’s got his eyes closed, I lean in and nod. The whole group is in cahoots. Taehyung drops the pillows in surprise. 

“No way,” he says, laughing. “They wouldn’t go this crazy if I wasn’t your first kiss.” 

I choose Taehyung. He chooses Truth. I narrow my eyes. What could I ask?

“Would you kiss me sober?” 

The crowd falls into a hush. I stare as Taehyung bites his cheeks, trying not to blush.

“I… I would.” 

Namjoon screams, Sonny starts a chant, Jimin wails, Hoseok hoots, a baby cries, a cat dies, and Yoongi stirs in his sleep. 

Taehyung chooses to ask Namjoon. He also chooses Truth. “As the father figure of this squad, what was the moment when you were the proudest of us?” 

“I’m always proud of you guys. I’m most proud of you when you go after what you want, without fear.” There’s a look in his eyes when he says those words. He is staring right at Taehyung.

Something feels weird in the room suddenly. Everyone knows that something just happened under the visible or audible layer, but it feels like I’m the only one out of the loop. That’s understandable, I’m an outsider after all, but the looks on everyone else’s faces are scary. Taehyung looks like he’s about to take a defensive stance, and everyone else seems to be excited about pushing him there. Maybe I’m wrong. Again, I’m just an outsider. 

Namjoon turns the game back to Taehyung. “Truth or Dare?” he asks. 

Taehyung stares at Namjoon for a second. In that second, Sonny laments that this group has no daredevils. Maybe because of that, or maybe for some other reason, with a new glint in his eyes, Taehyung says, “Dare.” 

Namjoon smirks with half of his mouth. “I dare you to kiss Jungkook again.” 

“Hey, no one asked me about this,” I say, but I am not heard, because everyone is clapping because Taehyung is coming closer to me. 

We kissed again, and there were fireworks again, but not real this time. 

He had a hand on the back of my neck, drawing me closer into the kiss. I won’t say I minded, because that’s not true. I actually enjoyed it. Quite a bit. 

Yoongi wakes up and asks what just happened, and then orders that Taehyung kisses me again, because he has to see it. 

Why do all of our kisses feel so public? Intimate moments shouldn’t have an audience. So far, all of them have. 

Yoongi goes back to sleep, pleased that he’s seen us kiss completely sober. 

“Jungkook,” Taehyung says.

“What?” I ask. 

There’s a moment of silence, laced with various chuckles. “Truth or Dare?”

“Oh. T-truth.” 

“I know you don’t know me well yet. With that in mind, with what you know so far, do you like me?” 

Red alarms flared in my brain. Pressure. Pressure during tests, I can deal with. Pressure to be presentable when surrounded by people, I can deal with. This is a very personal question being thrown at me with no warning, and there are 7 pairs of eyes watching my mouth, wondering what words are going to come out next. 

“Yeah.” 

Oh boy. 

Chaos again. It doesn’t take much to get this group riled up, huh? 

It’s okay. I know I said the right thing when I see Taehyung’s face. It just feels right inside. That must be a good sign. 

“Jeon Jungkook,” Taehyung says in a very proclamatory tone, “Will you go on a date with me?” 

I blink in surprise. “One question per turn,” I say, trying to play it off cool that I need to think about the implications of going on a date with Kim Taehyung. “And I do believe it’s my turn.”

Sonny gives me a high-five. I choose her. She chooses Truth. “Should I go on a date with Taehyung?” 

“You want the truth?” she asks. “Kim Taehyung is an insufferable pain in the , but look around for a second. Everyone in this room loves him. There are people who’re missing here who love him. All of us can’t be wrong.” 

Umm, yeah you can. Joseph Stalin had plenty of fans. 

“My final answer,” she says, “is yes. You should.” 

Sonny does not choose Taehyung next like I thought she would. She dares Seokjin to kiss the most attractive person in the room. After he kisses Namjoon’s forehead, Seokjin asks Jimin what his five favourite qualities in Hoseok are. Jimin asks Hoseok what the last romantic thought about Jimin that passed through his head was. Hoseok dares Namjoon to get Yoongi to get up and join us. Namjoon carries Yoongi, asleep, and props him up against the wall, in a sitting position, near us. Namjoon chooses Yoongi next. 

“Yoongi!” he yells. 

“Hmm?” Yoongi mumbles. 

“Truth or Dare?” 

“Truth.” 

“Why are you always sleeping?” 

“Dare.” 

“Wake up and play with us.” 

“Pass.” 

We all laugh, but Taehyung is tense. 

Namjoon asks me why I like Taehyung.

I don’t know. 

Maybe this is all psychological. Maybe I only think I like him because he kissed me.

I have to say something. 

“I like him because he hasn’t once given me reason not to.” 

“He has plenty of time to disappoint you,” says Hoseok. Jimin tugs hard on his ear. 

“Kim Taehyung,” I say. 

“Jeon Jungkook,” he replies. 

“Truth or Dare?”

“Dare.” 

“I dare you to ask me a question. Any question.” 

“Jeon Jungkook, will you go out on a date with me?” 

“Yes.” 

This time no one screams or yells. They just… squeal. It’s so… weird.

The credits are rolling on the screen.

We all go to sleep right there in the basement, in a heap. 

<