CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I wake up the next morning filled with a dread that has nothing to do with my hangover: I have to spend the day with Liu. Which means I’ll be apart from Kyu. Which means my day will be as colorless as the sky in winter…

The brunch is at this fancy restaurant on the marsh. I know I’m totally single, but still: I’m sitting next to a girl who wants to date me, in the presence of her family, and it makes me more than a little anxious and uncomfortable.

Kyuhyun texts and Snapchats me the entire time, thankfully, which makes it a bit more tolerable. I’m starting to get addicted to even his digital correspondence, and sometimes I get mad if he even takes a few minutes to text back. But I’m grateful for the distraction. I have no interest in any of these people, and whenever something happens I find myself wondering what Kyu would think or say about it. A few times I picture myself envisioning what I’ve already decided is my favorite part of his body: that curve of the top of his thighs where his legs join and give way to his balls…

I am the entire meal. (My rage button is bizarrely close to my button, and always has been.) Liu won’t stop touching me and asking me to come home with her, either, which isn’t helping my or my annoyance. Basically I simply cannot stand her family and friends. The more I am around these people, the more I realize this isn’t what I want. The men do not talk to the women, as if there is a magical line separating male from female. The men only chat about hunting and football and business, and the women only chat about weddings and babies and dresses. Was this ever me? Was this ever the person I was? Suddenly it all seems so mindless, so narrow. Kyu and his friends and girlfriends...they would be dancing and twerking and taking shots and talking about Housewives drama right now. Meanwhile everyone around me is chatting about the latest college football coaching news, or stock market temper tantrums. How did I ever stand this? All of these people have the same life, or are trying to attain the same life: they want to meet a nice girl or guy, have a pastel-toned wedding at a plantation somewhere. I don’t want that. I don’t know what I want, but still, I know it’s not this prefab little life they’ve gotten lost in. Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to Kyuhyun…he lives so far outside the lines, these people can’t even see him.

Liu’s dad is the worst part, though, constantly smacking me on the shoulder and mentioning “how happy he would be to have a fine young man like me in the family.” Liu is mortified, since we aren’t even a couple and she’s obviously overblown my involvement in her life to everyone here, but mostly I just feel…icky. I basically have a boyfriend at this point, and yet Mr. Wen is sitting here breathing down my neck, pressuring me to propose to his daughter and become his newest son…

Liu won’t stop trying to entice me, rubbing my knee and giggling against my chest and even blowing air into my ear, which she knows is my ultimate turn-on move. (I used to be able to just from having her on my neck and ears.) Soon she sends me into territory I can’t come back from. When we can sneak away, Liu wants to talk about her friend’s baby shower or something, but I dismiss her, lead her into the little building where they keep the lawnmower, and start kissing her. I need a release, a diversion. And suddenly I want to compare her to Kyuhyun, to compare male to female, figure out which I like better, which one I want. So I lean in and kiss her. (Like I said, anger always did make me .) I’ve never really been into the public thing before, but she lets it happen, and soon she even gets pretty into it. Our was always pretty solid, after all, which is why we kept hooking up for weeks and weeks after the breakup. This hookup is no different…even if I wish for a to on a few times…

But when my hand migrates southward, I stop myself. Then I realize this won’t help anything, it’ll just make me more confused. I already knew I liked women, so what is the point of this? What would I accomplish?

“So what was that? - she asks after I step away - You avoid me for weeks, and then try to hook up with me in a shed like we’re a couple of golden retrievers?”

“I’m sorry. I was just…feeling .”

She laughs, but it’s more self-loathing than anything.

“What?”

“It’s just that everything you say is always My, Me, My, I this, I that. You could’ve at least told me you kissed me because I looked hot or something. How is it, living inside your own ? How’s the weather?”

I slide into autopilot mode.

“Oh, well…you do. You look great, Liu. You always do. I mean, obviously you’re the best looking one at that brunch. You outclass them within the first ten seconds.”

“Whatever - she blushes - We still shouldn’t have done that. For many reasons…”

“I know. Sorry.”

She finally looks at me.

“Ugh, Siwon. Don’t say sorry if you’re not sorry. You know I never asked for too much from you. You know I let you stay a million miles away from me sometimes while I waited around like a . And then I still got burned. Right now we’re not even official...”

“Which we mutually agreed was the best for us, by the way…”

“And it is. But watch yourself, boy. You…”

Suddenly her phone lights up with a text from Kangin. My best friend.

“Wait, you’re texting Kangin? - I ask as she grabs her phone away - My Kangin? Why?”

She looks away. This wouldn’t be the first time she’s been caught being a total psychopath. When I first started signaling that I wanted out of the relationship, she rushed to everyone in my life, pleading her case. She started going through my phone looking for “other women,” and a few times she even dropped hints that her family had ties to the Mob and “didn’t like being crossed.” One day I even walked into my house to find her sitting with my own mother, sharing a bottle of wine and smirking directly at me. That’s why the breakup took so long: it was all designed to pressure me into a marriage I didn’t want; paint me into a corner I didn’t want to be in. I thought she’d moved past this behavior, but apparently not. And I thought I’d maneuvered us into a place where we could be friends, but this was getting very weird, very quickly.

“Sorry. I wanted to talk to him, about…us - she says, caught red-handed - And maybe see what he could…tell me. About where you’ve been.”

I sigh.

“Liu. I’m sorry, but there is no us. Not anymore. You know that. And I have never been anything but honest about that. I only came here today because you asked me to. And not to mention that you’re the one who just basically tried to with me at the brunch table…”

“So what? I’ve had four mimosas.”

I shrug, and I can’t deny that she looks sad and dejected. I know she’s torn up about this, but I can’t do this anymore. Today confirmed that. I can’t pretend to love someone when I don’t. Every moment of that was a slow, burning torture, and I’m never going back. My soul would die. All this has taught me is that I want to run into Kyuhyun’s arms with everything in me right now. Why does she even want me, anyway? I was an awful boyfriend, and I own that.

“Fine - she says, facing the marsh - But still, you’re around my family and my friends today. If I find out I’m being disrespected, I might have to make some calls and see what I can do about that.”

She gets up and walks away, just like that, and I can’t say I’m not a little shaken up. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get away from her. She asked me to come here; she is the one who won’t stop texting me. Is there no other single man in Seoul for her to pursue? Why won’t she just leave me alone? What’s her endgame with this?

I text him as soon as I am alone:

Please meet me at my house in an hour or so. I need you. Badly.

Kyuhyun sleeps over that night. When he shows up, he’s looking y as hell with his hair in style…it takes me approximately two seconds to ruin his hairstyle with my fingers, though. It’s like he’s getting better looking every time I see him. So I him on my bed and against my dresser and on top of my bathroom sink…

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