Chanwoo wakes up out of breath and heavily panting. He thinks he must be a complete mess and in utter shambles as his foggy eyes roam the dark room. He can feel his heated sweat cling to his overly sensitive body and the contrasting cool dampness of his pyjamas. He quickly pulls the discarded blanket up to cover his wrongful body and a whine rolls past his lips at the overwhelming warmth that is now engulfing him. For a moment, he just lays there hating the sensation of his moistened hair sticking to his forehead and falling soggy against his pillow. He tries extremely hard to will his nerves to calm down, to become normal and sensible again. For his heart to slow its deadly pace and for that devilish fever to leave his flaming skin, but nothing seems to work. He knows he can’t escape, knows that this crazed spark is going to stay until he personally puts it out and it’s terrifying. It scares him that this little compulsion is eternally smouldering just below the surface, never cooling. Never leaving. It’s a deadly reminder of how corrupt he is and how sinful he has become. How easily is innocence has been stolen away, to only be filled with vile desire and impure lust.

He wants to vomit up all these negative thoughts. Tear them from his body so he doesn’t have to hear the clouding pollution from his crumbling inner opinions.

Chanwoo pulls himself into the fetal position and grasps his knees tightly. He wants to deny that he’s had yet another shameful dream about a man he shouldn’t have loitering feelings for, can’t have feelings for and shouldn’t be so emotionally invested in. A man who he knows will never love him back. He wants to neglect this guilt that’s creeping up on him like a hovering shadow, ignore that grey jumbled cluster of animosity and the monstrous remarks its spewing. Abusive remarks only he can hear.

It makes Chanwoo dig his sharp nails into the plush skin of his knee caps and tightly close his blood shot eyes. He already feels so dirty and impure as it is. Like he’s somehow letting everyone down the longer he endures this invasive and crippling debility. He wants nothing more then for it all to stop and for everything to go back to the way it use to be, the way he use to be. It was better back then when he wasn’t as delusion, or filled with well hidden despair and anxiety. When he was nothing more than that that chaste youthful kid, the kid that use to want to learn new things and excel at every challenge he was given. Now he’s stuck, living in between what he calls an unhealthy imagination and actual reality. His brutally painful reality.

Who ever said love and becoming an adult was easy, lied. He’s fighting a losing battle against his aging self, against what he can’t help but feel he needs and wants.

Chanwoo sighs out in frustration. He’s shook, upset because the beautiful contents of these constant dreams wont ever happen and it makes him resent every piece of himself that likes Junhoe. Every delicate piece that reflects tainted devotion and unwanted love, like fixed conceptions meant to mock him. He finds himself regularly obsessing over the same ideas ever since the day Junhoe had shown up in his room and coaxed him into making the biggest mistake in his life. A mistake that he still is periodically taking part in, regardless of how much the rules keep changing and are being broken. How much he keeps telling himself its wrong.

He knows now that the only place Junhoe will ever be in love with him was that far away place that doesn’t exist and is only in his idiotic head. That the stuff they do only means something to Junhoe in his condescending dreams.

Junhoe confuses Chanwoo and it drives Chanwoo completely mad. Hence anther reason he hates those pitiful illusions his brain casts nearly every night. Those little reels of empty meanings and poor excuses were nothing more then bittersweet delusions. As much as he felt he needed them and thrived off them, he detested them. Hated how his inner self has become so desperate for Junhoe and is loving touch. How he’s become dependant on wanting every bit Junhoe can give him and craving his attention like an abused stray puppy.

How he’s stuck fantasizing about what more could be, what it could mean.

Chanwoo dislikes that in real life, him and Junhoe will never be the fairy tale couple in his vital dreams. Dislikes that Junhoe’s only ever cared about his own personal gain rather then how Chanwoo’s felt all along and how destructive he’s become. But then again, Junhoe’s never cared about him, or any of this. He’s only ever cared about how well he can use and play Chanwoo. Won’t even acknowledge how this love affair has been destroying and deteriorating Chanwoo’s entire soul baring crevice.   

He feels dead inside, like Junhoe is slowly and cleverly corroding him with his acidic manipulation and he knows his hyungs have noticed. Heard them comment on it multiple times and he doesn’t know what to say. What can be said about this, because after all it is entirely his fault. Isn’t it? Junhoe had made it very clear that Chanwoo had been the one seducing him with soft boyish features and bashful innocence. That it was his provocative and alluring angelic nature that drew Junhoe in. What made him love turning what everyone perceived as so pure, naughty.

Chanwoo tries so hard to lie and stay strong for his hyungs, for everyone. But the insecurities Junhoe has implanted into him are deafening and reality shattering and they never go away. Never will, because with out them he’s nothing. He can’t help but be consumed in trying to fix all the imperfections Junhoe finds disgusting and sometimes he questions if the others know, if they’ve known all along.

Wonders what would happen if he’d just built up the courage to talk? To say it aloud. 

Chanwoo doesn’t understand why he stays. Why he lets Junhoe continue to do all this rotten stuff to him and get away with it. Why he still loves Junhoe even after every terrible thing he has done. After all the puzzling nights Junhoe’s had his fun and is kicking Chanwoo out of a warm bed and demanding he leave because the thought of waking up beside him is repulsive. Chanwoo can’t help but wonder what Junhoe thinks is so fun about leading him on just to throw him away and what the big kick is out of it, cause it’s starting to feel like an endless torture.

He asks himself every night how its ended up getting this bad with out him realizing it, how he’s fallen into playing this trapped bird with clipped wings and blindly became this this cell bound prisoner with no way out. This rat in a maze that’s isolated by sinister thoughts and guided by heartbreaking seclusion. Its ridiculously embarrassing and Junhoe probably finds it hilarious with how easy he follows every degrading order.

How easily he gives Junhoe every little thing he wants.

Chanwoo loathes himself for being so naïve, for believing that Junhoe would magically fall for him and for thinking that something would come out of all the nights they’ve disgracefully spent together.

He’s so done, he’s beyond tired and he wants nothing more then to fall soundlessly asleep without worry, but some how Junhoe has managed to steal every second away from him. Implanted himself so deep in Chanwoo’s brain that he’s all Chanwoo can think about, all he can ever think about and its starting to piss him off. He knows soon enough he’s going to break. To crumble under all the pressure being put on him for no reason and all this weight he’s been putting on himself for not being good enough. For not being the one Junhoe desires.  

As much as he keeps telling himself Junhoe doesn’t deserve him, he can’t help but feel he’s the undeserving one. Junhoe is far to good for him and he should know his place, know the place Junhoe has given him. It makes him sick with how pathetic he’s being right now; how pathetic he’s always been and probably will continue to be.

He hugs himself tighter. Why is he so worthless? So incredibly meaningless in this world and cheap? Any other day he would be crying, but tonight he feels as if there’s nothing more to cry about. He knows all this stuff, accepts it.

Chanwoo’s ears perk as he hears shuffling in the living room and figures its either his manager coming in, or one of the hyungs leaving.

He huffs, he should be taking advantage of this extra time off and get some actual shut eye. He really does need a good sleep to replenish his overworked body, before he burns out again and the doctor writes that dreadful bed stricken note for exhaustion. He can’t be restricted to this confining room, not again because he needs to keep going, has too get better. He has no time to stop, no time to rest, because if he’s not occupying his thoughts they’ll end up back on the topic of how clearly unstable he is and Junhoe. 

Chanwoo frantically draws his eyes around the dark room for what feels like the hundredth time tonight and takes in the light wisps of Yunhyeong’s sleeping breaths. He’s envious of how peaceful and oblivious his hyung is to this cruel world that has become his everyday life. Wishes Yunhyeong would notice and take no for an answer when he emptily says he’s okay. Pry until he has no choice but to admit he has a problem and needs helps. To for once actually get it. He focuses on the shallow calmness as he tries to clear his guilty on track mind.

He debates getting up to use the washroom, but turns against it when his bedroom door slams open. He winces at the noise and sleepily sits up to face the intruder. Chanwoo knows who it is. It’s always the same person and Chanwoo knows what he wants. What he has come to get.  

Chanwoo honestly doesn’t know why Junhoe even bothers, why he’s still showing up here even after their big argument. After they called it quits. Shouldn’t Junhoe be with that girl he likes anyway, the one the media keeps talking about? That one Chanwoo knows he’s doing and has been doing for some time now. They should really stop this, stop pretending everything is okay and that what they are doing isn’t disgusting. Stop pretending that he’s not some side Junhoe only uses for a good lay and that he’s not the one melting like putty in Junhoe’s controlling hands. Stop telling himself that he’s not sick of it and that Junhoe’s malicious demons aren’t horrifying.

This girl shouldn’t have to suffer for his stupid slip up, for their confusing misconception and it’s not right, it’s never been right. Chanwoo knows this, basks in this consuming sorrow just as much as he basks in Junhoe’s lingering touch and deadly lips. Fills himself with everyone’s building hatred, because someone needs to carry the burden and he’d rather be the one to suffer. It’s better for everyone this way and besides, he deserves this punishing depression. Feels alive in its trailing presence. 

“Hyung, why are you here?” Chanwoo whispers to his slightly wavering team mate. Junhoe’s stationed in the door way leaning a broad shoulder against its narrow frame and standing tall. The light from the hall illuminates Junhoe’s back and it almost feels surreal to Chanwoo. Like Junhoe’s radiating heavenly virtue and not hellish persuasion like Chanwoo knows he has come to do. Like he’s innocent and not about to ask for something condescendingly sinful. Chanwoo can see that his arms are crossed and Chanwoo’s seen this outer demeanour before. It’s what Junhoe does when he demands attention and forced submission upon weak victims. Hunter and prey, that’s how its always been. How this game they play works.

Junhoe looks rough and from what Chanwoo can visibly make out, struggling to stay together. His coat and sweater are sagging down his lean body ready to fall from his long limbs. His pants are covered in dirt as if he had been on the ground and Chanwoo just knows he’s drunk. Junhoe always is when he’s come to see him recently.

Chanwoo stares at him, questioning him with strict eyes. He doesn’t want to do anything with Junhoe tonight and he’s not ready to cave yet. Not when he can sense himself inching closer to normality and faithful integrity. Junhoe has always had the ability to bring out the worst in him and use it as an unfair advantage, as another thing Junhoe can hold above his head. He really doesn’t want to cascade back down into those frightening manic depths.

These dark whispers that are stealing his precious oxygen are becoming unbearable, they wont stop and continue to flow around the room like slowly rising carbon monoxide. He can’t take this, can’t keep resenting himself for not being able to satisfy both Junhoe and these ominous anxieties. He wants it all to stop, for every single demoralizing element to leave him alone for good. 

Chanwoo’s feeling rebellious, like he’s finally ready to end these devilish rendezvous and tonight he’s not going to give Junhoe what he wants. Not when the older is faced and mumbling non-coherent words to him like it ing means something. Like he suddenly means something. Chanwoo’s still upset about what Junhoe said to him last time and he’s not going to give into the others empty sweet talking, because he knows better then to trust those well practiced words.

“Hyung, I’m not in the mood tonight.” Chanwoo stutters out and he can’t believe he’s saying no to Junhoe when he never does. Its enthralling and exciting, but Chanwoo’s fluttering butterflies freeze when the older boy starts to move. 

Junhoe is walking, well trying to walk towards him and he’s totally screwed because Junhoe hates it when he talks back. When he acts out of character. Chanwoo silently watches as the raven-haired vocalist knocks into the desk, the trash bin and effectively stumbles over the scattered belongings laying forgotten on the floor. Its quite hilarious, but Chanwoo’s to perplexed to laugh and entirely to shocked to move. He winces each time Junhoe nosily shoves something over and loudly courses. He hesitantly side eyes the bed next to him where Yunhyeong is surprisingly still asleep.

He’s afraid Junhoe is going to yell at him for disobeying his presence, for disobeying their unsaid abnormal dependency they have for each other and he’s not that stupid he knows a drunk is highly unpredictable. Especially when that drunk was Junhoe. He’s learnt the hard way and personally seen the lengths Junhoe has gone just to get what he wants. Chanwoo’s been around long enough to know that this persistent man standing before him wont stop until he obtains what he believes is owed to him. But Chanwoo doesn’t know what Junhoe wants from him, what he’s ever wanted from him and what ever this is. buddies?  Is this really what it’s called, is this really what they are?     

Chanwoo’s already given him so much and all he has ever gotten in return were these glutinous voices sticking to him. All Junhoe has ever given him is sheltering anxieties heightened by having to pretend that on the outside they’re regular friends and that when the lights went out they weren’t intimate. Weren’t sharing precious parts of themselves. Or how he must continue to act like Junhoe’s friend because they are indeed still teammates and he can’t afford to be awkward. Can’t afford to be the first one to lose.

“Junhoe you’re going to wake hyung, you should go to bed.” Chanwoo states. He knows how Yunhyeong gets if he’s woken up, especially when the sky was clearly still dusted in shimmering stars. It had to be early in the morning and Junhoe’s obviously been out partying with his new friends. The smell of alcohol and fruity perfume emitting off him was only further reassurance. He’s always out partying, getting drunk and possibly high, having . Who knows anymore. 

Chanwoo’s not blind, he knows what Junhoe does and he doesn’t have to like it. He has seen so many precious lives destroyed because of rash stupidity and boosted recklessness. Besides everyone has noticed this rather unhealthy and appalling habit Junhoe has picked up. No one even understands how he’s had the time to become so involved in the corrupting night life, or the initial cause for it and those who have mentioned it to the man received angered rejection. Junhoe’s need to drink and party almost very night scares Chanwoo. He worries for , his team mate, his infatuation.

Junhoe is so special to him and Chanwoo honestly doesn’t know what he would do if the other ever got into trouble. If he ever got hurt. How he would even continue to live life.

Chanwoo can’t see Junhoe’s expression as he slowly stops in front of the of the bed, but he can practically picture the drunken blush most likely decorating those cheeks.

“I needed to make sure.” Junhoe says harshly and so loud it has Chanwoo scurrying to the vocalist. “Hyung your voice.” Chanwoo shakily murmurs, trying to hush the yelling boy by placing a warm finger against cold lips. Junhoe is blatantly drunk and is clearly not going to respect Yunhyeong’s sleep. He needs to get Junhoe out of his room before the noisy individual awoke Yunhyeong from his slumber, something he does not have enough energy to deal with and before Junhoe says something Yunhyeong might not want to hear. Might not believe.

Chanwoo’s quick to climb off the bed and take Junhoe’s chilled hands into his own, swiftly pulling the dazed boy out of his room with much less effort then he originally imagined. He leads Junhoe to the couch in the living room where their safe from his sleeping hyung’s ears, but before he can tell Junhoe to take a proper seat the said man is pushing him down. Chanwoo’s eyes widen and he lets a soft squeak escape past his lips as he feels the coolness of the leather hit the exposed skin under his rising shirt. He’s now laying flat on his back with a wasted Junhoe leaning over him and he wants nothing to do with it.

“Hyung, what are you doing? You’re drunk and I’m not in the mood.” He snaps, looking deeply into the older male’s eyes. He can’t stand the smell of alcohol, never could and the perfume of god knows who is making him sick. Making him want to drag Junhoe to the bathroom and scrub him clean until he no longer smelt like those sour flowers. Besides, his older hyung tended to be quite rough with the mind stimulating substance, to want to assert every ounce of his ‘alpha male’ dominance and that alone was enough for Chanwoo to say no. To mean no.

Junhoe’s face contorts in realization as he processes the predicament he has created and Chanwoo’s displeased words. It causes Junhoe to pull away and sit down comfortably beside him. 

Chanwoo scrambles to gets up, a little surprised the other so easily got off him and is for once complying in his wishes. Usually the dark brunette wouldn’t willingly listen, wouldn’t let up until Chanwoo was left defenceless and more times than not, squirming underneath him. Junhoe is out of his mind and the suffocating fumes wafting off his soiled attire are almost as equally intoxicating. He’s worried more about Junhoe’s alcohol intake and levels than the fact that that Junhoe is insanely unstable. That he could potentially do anything, but Chanwoo’s only a tiny bit scared by it. He’s accustomed to it and right now he just wants to make sure the other is okay and that he hasn’t drank himself to the brink of death. Chanwoo’s use to having to play this role anyway and he likes to think he’s figured out how Junhoe works. How he deals out this corrupt game and how he has been secretly cheating under the table this whole time.

“A…” Chanwoo attempts to start, but Junhoe easily cuts him off. “I tried so hard.” He mumbles and Chanwoo can see the worry and defeat mixing together to form something so unreadable across his features. Something he has never seen faze Junhoe’s spectacular poker face. Chanwoo doesn’t really understand Junhoe’s current epiphany and his choice to share it, but he listens. He always has.  

“I just can’t take it anymore.” Junhoe whispers and his breathing slows to barely audible shaky wisps as tears start rolling down his bloated cheeks.

Chanwoo can’t process what is happening and why Junhoe is crying, but he hates it. Hates watching Junhoe’s shell crumble away and fall apart like this. Doesn’t know what to expect when Junhoe’s left bare before him and he’s scared he’ll like the real, raw man behind that exaggerated casing of feigned confidence more then he should.

He’s never seen the older cry nearly as much as this and his brain is sizzling trying to interpret how he should handle something so new to him. Junhoe very rarely shared genuine emotions like these before, not even when they were together. Well not that older would ever think to, Junhoe’s been blatantly using him from the start and he’s been so easily letting it happen. It wasn’t Chanwoo’s place to know how Junhoe felt, that spot was reserved for someone special.

He’d rather have Junhoe spitting insults at him then crying and trying to explain something he doesn’t have a right to hear. Something that has obviously been bubbling up for some time now and is so valued to Junhoe that it has him this frantic, seeking out his comfort like a lost toy. He has always been Junhoe’s lost toy, his own hand carved puppet. 

Chanwoo’s known from the start that Junhoe would be the sweetest poison in his life, a corrupt cookie with a warning sign and he willingly took those lust filled bites. He could have said no, but he didn’t. He knew that by being together here in the darkness of the living room, was him agreeing to play Junhoe’s fixed game that he’s already destine to lose.  It’s his pre-assigned fate and Junhoe’s only making it harder for him to escape, to get out before he really has nothing to go back to. He doesn’t know how much more he can resist not having feelings for this diabolical man who’s caged his heart in thorns, or how long these secret meetings can continue to mean nothing because they’ve always meant something.  

Chanwoo wasn’t much on lying to himself anyway and it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to say no. Junhoe’s a snake and he’s cleverly talked his way into every wrong decision he’s forced Chanwoo to make. He’s a salve to Junhoe’s every command and its degrading in every way possible, almost nauseating that he still feels the need to jump at those subjecting orders.

He’s not stupid. He knows why he’s torn between leaving this ty life style all behind and why he feels he can’t. 

Chanwoo’s always full heartedly takin his love for Junhoe like the grains of salt he was restricted from eating and he blames his childlike nature for letting it get this bad. For letting Junhoe’s ruthless self have complete ownership over him. His feelings have always been weird and confusing since the beginning, so he played along. He was still trying to figure himself out and just when his inner workings started to make sense, Junhoe screwed with them even more. Ground them up like they meant nothing and in all honesty, Chanwoo knows they don’t.

He’d rather just ignore those mind scrambling perceptions all together then act on it and have his heart broken again. Shattered by Junhoe’s unforgiving hands and into even smaller unrecognizable puzzle pieces, not that he could ever put it back together anyway. Junhoe didn’t want his love, he never needed it. He just wanted something convenient and he was just that … convenient.

He use to not want to risk losing Junhoe, or what they had, didn’t care how unhealthy the entire agreement was because when they were together Junhoe was focused on him and that was all he ever required. He once could live with being treated horribly, because if Junhoe was happy, he was happy. But that’s not enough anymore and he’s done with this bull lie. Done fantasizing about a make belief relationship that’s perfect and not borderline psychotic. He wants so much more and he knows Junhoe wont give it to him. So why should he stay? Why shouldn’t he find someone that loves him for what he is and not for what he isn’t?

Junhoe had said the first time this happened that he didn’t like him that way and that this shamefully thing they did had strictly no strings attached, that it was purely physical. He remembers Junhoe saying it was easier that way and Chanwoo would have believed him if he hadn’t already been utterly smitten. Junhoe was his first everything and now thinking about it, he’s upset because he should have given it to someone who cared. Someone who deserved it.     

He has tried so hard to fight Junhoe’s exotic charm and entire being since their very first meeting, so hard to tell himself that he didn’t like Junhoe like that either. He doesn’t even know how he has managed to fall so in love, or how he’s just become another statistic in the books for teenage mental health and abusive manipulative relationships. Why no matter how much he bashes Junhoe and deems him a terrible person, his brain will only ever see him as someone perfect enough to spend the rest of his life with.

It hurts just being this close and even more when Junhoe leans in hugging him, wetting his baggy night shirt with fresh tears. He can’t deal with this and if he doesn’t leave soon he’ll tell the other that he was stupid when he hadn’t wanted to continue being with him.

Junhoe was the one that said getting personal would only make it harder, he has always been against this. Against what they doing right now and Chanwoo feels this game is coming close to its end, because Junhoe’s the boss. He’s so stupid for not noticing it before. Junhoe has always been the boss and Chanwoo’s on his last life. He can’t deny the light fluttering of his heart and his striking want to understand why Junhoe is sad so he can make him happy again. He can’t deny that he is in love with Junhoe and that this love isn’t slowly killing him everyday he tries to hide it.  

“Hyung you can tell me.” Chanwoo lightly whispers, biting his lip in the process to stop himself from spewing out he knows Junhoe doesn’t want to hear. To keep himself from telling Junhoe how pathetic he is for being so irrationally in love with him. Instead he takes to rubbing calming circles into Junhoe’s back and lets the electrifying sensation of being this private wash over him in slow reverberating waves. He knows he’s being selfish and taking advantage of Junhoe’s drunken state, but how many times had Junhoe taken advantage of him? How many times had the older willingly messed him up and thought so little of it?

He deserves at least a tiny bit of affection, he needs it. The feeling of Junhoe’s body so close is making his skin itch and bones ache with this desperation for more. He has always wanted more.

Chanwoo holds Junhoe tighter. If he could, he would never let go and maybe he really his messed up for believing that one day Junhoe will fall for him. For believing that if he listens and does as Junhoe says, the man will like him just that much more.

“No! I can’t Chanwoo. God knows I’m not supposed to be like this. I’m a ing ty person.” Junhoe draws out as he begins to cry harder and that alone makes Chanwoo panic, tears threatening to fall from his own eyes.

“Like what hyung?” and with out warning Junhoe harshly pulls out of Chanwoo’s embrace and is cupping Chanwoo’s soft cheeks. “Not like this.” He murmurs before leaning in and capturing Chanwoo’s pink plump lips.

After their long innocent kiss, Junhoe stutters out, “I’m not supposed to love you. Should have never started and I’m such a ty person for treating you like this and I know you deserve so much more. Why don’t you hate me?” Chanwoo’s too stunned to move and a little taken a back. It’s not their first kiss, but it’s the first ‘I love you’ and Chanwoo doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know how to react to it, or why he’s internally freaking out. His hands freeze on Junhoe’s back, lightly gripping at the fabric of his sweater. He feels guilty for wanting to believe in those words. For letting the tingling in his lips travel to his hectic naïve heart.

He knows that this is only going to be short lived and he’s never ever going to hear those words come from Junhoe’s mouth again, but it still makes him so incredibly pleased. Chanwoo doesn’t even care if Junhoe is out of his mind drunk, or that by the time he sobers up he’ll be the same Junhoe he was the day before and the day before that. The one who would scowl at the words he has just so freely whispered out and be the one who never loved him.

It’s all so suffocating toxic and maybe if he closes his eyes he can pretend to be the one Junhoe wants, can imagine those words are real and meant for his ears only. Junhoe was filling his dying veins with the sweetest, most-deadliest poison yet and Chanwoo doesn’t have it in him to pull away. Junhoe lays down and takes him into a tight hug and he closes his eyes as he lets his head fall soundlessly on Junhoe’s chest.

He was a master at pretending.

Chanwoo wakes first and for a second he forgets where he is and what exactly has happened only a few hours earlier. He trails his eyes up from Junhoe’s broad chest and takes in the boy’s sleeping features. He really is handsome, too handsome and it should be entirely illegal because Chanwoo can’t find a single flaw. Can’t find something he doesn’t absolutely adore, or a single imperfection.  

He thinks he must be the luckiest man alive to be gifted with such affection from the cold hearted Junhoe. To have been allowed in to see all the good and all the bad that plagued Junhoe’s problematic life. To have witnessed every little oddity that sent Junhoe up a wall in nervous distress and Chanwoo’s cherished every moment he could learn something new about him, something that deemed them exclusive.  He was glad Junhoe had chose him to confide in, to share his dark kept secrets and hidden demons with. 

But now that he’s awake, he’s scared. 

Scared that Junhoe will wake up and wish of someone else to be in his arms. For him to tell Chanwoo that he was drunk and never meant to confidently say those life changing words. That they are the same as they were three weeks ago, and will continue to be just ‘friends with benefits’.

Chanwoo wants so hard for those three words to be genuine, for Junhoe to mean them and like him as much as Chanwoo himself does. For that kiss, which meant so much more to him then the others, to mean just as much to Junhoe. He wants so bad to leave Junhoe’s suffocating embrace, because he knows Junhoe’s hands might as well be around his neck rather than his waist. Who was he trying to fool anyway? For Junhoe to genuinely like him, ha that was a joke and a half. He could already picture what everyone would say, what their judging and appalled looks would reflect, what it would mean.

It would be the same look that the mirror casts back at him. That reflected look that knows he’ll never be suitable enough to be loved by Junhoe and it makes himself detest his entirely worthless life. Makes him want to fill the void with Jurassic activities so he can’t feel the emptiness and decaying depression.

He doesn’t deserve that I love you, because he was disgusting for wanting it.

He knows he’s not handsome enough, not fit enough, not talented enough and that Junhoe deserves someone who can rival gods in every category. Someone who was acceptable for him and not the dirtied, washed out Chanwoo.

Chanwoo doesn’t even know how a proper relationship would work between them and he’s distressed because what even does being in a relationship mean? He doesn’t know what it feels like to belong fully to someone, to be bound by faith and loyalty, because he’s only ever experienced meditated manipulation. He has nothing to go by, not an once of experience to properly base a healthy relationship off. 

How would officially being together effect what they already have, what he’s been secretly fighting to keep?  

Chanwoo doesn’t feel they’re ready to take this giant step. He knows they both have issues that need to be taken care of first. They’ve been through so much together, done so much together and non-of it’s good. Non-of it should have been allowed. Old habits die slow and Junhoe’s little quirks are inevitable, something that Chanwoo believes will always be there. Always be apart of Junhoe’s chaotic inner workings, the wheeling nuts and bolts that Chanwoo finds incredibly interesting.

What if this whole thing was Junhoe creating another sadistic game? Only Junhoe saying those words because he knows they’ll influence him and force him into playing, into that pleasingly mind blowing submission the older loves so much.

Before Chanwoo knows it, silent tears are filling his eyes and falling. He lays his head back down on Junhoe’s chest because right now Junhoe owes him at least a little support, even if he is asleep and would otherwise refuse to give it. Chanwoo just needs someone. He’s lost and terrified and honestly needs this warmth to last a little longer, because right now he feels loved. Feels like he can hide away from all the things he knows is right and should be doing, the things his brain is telling him to do.

Junhoe’s hands grip tighter around his waist and his breath hitches.   

“Why are you crying?” It’s a simple question, but Chanwoo has no way of answering because he should be happy. Should be anything but crying right now. He tries to burry his head closer into the other’s chest, but Junhoe shifts, swiftly cupping his chin, and lifting it so their eyes meet.

“Chanwoo?” His strict tone makes Chanwoo stiffen and want to cower, to look away but he can’t. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Junhoe pleads.

“I think we should stop doing this.” Chanwoo stutters out and he averts his eyes downward, because Junhoe’s shocked expression is making his tongue numb. Making him feel guilty when he’s not the guilty one.  “I can’t keep pretending and acting like it doesn’t hurt June. You probably don’t even remember what you said last night, but you, I … I can’t un-hear that. This, whatever this is, it isn’t going to work because I like you and it hurts so much.” Chanwoo shakily voices and he’s surprised he is even able to get all that built-up emotion off his chest in one strained go. He wants to deny that he feels lighter with his catastrophic wish out in the open, that he can’t blindly go back on his own words and fall victim to Junhoe again.

Chanwoo looks back up into Junhoe’s eyes for reassurance and secretly for something he knows wont be there. It sends Junhoe into a slight state of panic, Chanwoo can feel it from where his hands are laying flat against the elder’s beating chest and by the way Junhoe’s nails are digging into his exposed hip.

“Of course I remember. I wasn’t even that wasted and besides, do you thing I’d be the on to forget? It’s not everyday I say something like that.” Junhoe stops talking and takes a deep unsteady breath in before continuing.

“I though you’d at least understand. I’m just as confused and lost as you are. It’s not like I intentionally tried to fall in love with you, it just happened.” Chanwoo’s tears have slowed down to just little beaded drops and Junhoe wipes at the ones with his other hand that’s brushing along his cheek. “Do you think I’d forget the most important part? Cause I would never. I want to get better, to be good. I want to try and I want you to be apart of that. I want to make things right between us and I know I don’t deserve you, but…” Junhoe frantically mutters out, he looks hurt and Chanwoo’s tears pick up again but this time for a completely different reason.

He’s nervous, feels his whole body shake as he processes Junhoe’s jumbled and conflicting confession. Something deep down is telling him not to listen, that Junhoe is lying and trying to persuade him with sweet nothings.

But he wants to believe and he wants this to work because he loves Junhoe more then he can realistically take anymore. 

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m giving myself to you and I want to hear you say it Chanwoo. I want you to tell me right now what you want us to be, because I’ve already said my part and I don’t like wasting my time.”  Junhoe slowly says, moving Chanwoo’s head side to side from where he’s back gripping the younger’s chin. Chanwoo doesn’t have time to snicker at the pink blush the elder is sporting, doesn’t think it would be right, because he’s probably glowing that same innocent red.   

“Hyung, of course I want nothing more then to be with you.” Chanwoo hesitantly replies and he can’t hide the slight happiness in his voice, because isn’t this what he wanted, what he’s been waiting for?

He’s smiling so hard he can feel the pain in his strained cheeks and honestly, he can’t believe this magnificent man is saying all these things he has dreamed of hearing. The fact that Junhoe is trying to explain his frustrating feelings is a major step forward and Chanwoo can’t help but like that he’s interwind in them, it’s proof.

“But you’re going to have to work for it. I’m not as easy as I was three weeks ago, and there’s a lot you have to make up for and this time I don’t want to hurt.” Chanwoo says, whispering the last part. “And I want us to talk, to share.” He doesn’t forget to add in, because isn’t that the most important part?

Isn’t that what they have to do to get better together?  

Junhoe lets go of Chanwoo’s face and moves his arm to rest besides Chanwoo’s head. He’s draping over Chanwoo as he leans in, nearing the younger’s ear.

“I think I really like you Chanwoo and this time I’m not letting you go.” He whispers and starts to kiss a path across Chanwoo’s jaw, speckling little pecks until he reaches the waiting lips.

Chanwoo is going crazy from how incredibly amazing this is and he knows he’s stupid, but Junhoe is someone he can’t leave. Someone he can’t help but have faith and believe in. 

Their lips are inches apart, a mere stretch away when the door to the dorm opens and Jinhwan’s loudly entering with an equally as noisy Hanbin following close behind. Junhoe sighs and looks up to meet the mat-hyung’s eyes. Jinhwan freezes and after a short second he understands the situation, knows the two on the couch are having an intense moment. He quickly turns. “What the hell hyu...” Hanbin’s sentence is cut short as Jinhwan pushes him back out the door.

Junhoe and Chanwoo both look at each other briefly before their giggling because hidings out of the question now. But Junhoe’s laughter dies fast as he leans back down, laying a soft chaste kiss on Chanwoo’s parted and still smiling lips.

“I hope you know what you have gotten yourself into Jung Chanwoo.” He mumbles and goes in for another kiss. Chanwoo doesn’t care about what he has gotten into, he has already been in it. Their both just as equally insane and maybe this wont work out, but it doesn’t hurt to try, right?

It’s not like Chanwoo hadn’t already given all of himself to Junhoe.