[author's note] I am so sorry that it took me so long to update!! So many things happened to me, and I just didn't have the energy to even think about writing this one-shot, even less the other two that I promised you guys. Well, too late is better than never. I'm not sure if I wrote the story the way I originally planned since the idea for it was lost along the way as I gradually wrote it over the two years (ouf). But I hope you guys will enjoy it!

//not fully edited

final

SOMEHOW, I can’t seem to recall how I became best friends with Oh Sehun. Not only were we not part of the same circle of friends, but our interests and majors were also completely different. While I was double majoring in Political Science and Sociology, I was also in the honours program, and he was majoring in Physical Therapy. And being the student body president and on a scholarship, I didn’t have a choice but to meet everyone’s expectations.

Although Sehun was a student-athlete, I remembered seeing him on the list of the top 100 students of our college. He also, surprisingly, often made appearances at the parties held by the school’s administration for the most successful students. Usually, but not always. I think it was probably after my first win of the presidency that I met him physically.

The stupid old general dean of our college suddenly dropped a bomb on me during the party. He abruptly announced to me that I had to make my first speech as the president in front of ninety-nine other students along with other faculty members and teachers. I usually need at least a twenty-four-hour notice to at least prepare something substantial, and not to mention, prepare myself mentally for it as well.

Clearly, I was not ready.

I think I was close to jump off from the balcony and roll off from the ground and somehow survive that fall to be able to run away from the party without anybody noticing. But while I was pondering on how exactly should I fall without landing myself in the hospital (no pun intended), I heard the door to the balcony opening and someone letting out a small curse as they noticed that someone already occupied it.

I instinctively turned around and noticed that it was Sehun who came out. For whatever reason, I did not know. He furrowed his brows, and his eyes seemed to scan me over as if he was analyzing my whole behaviour. I felt uncomfortable with the way he was staring because it reminded me that that was how the rest of the students were going to see me when I’m going to be on that podium giving my non-existent speech.

The thought of it made my stomach churn and made me feel like I was going to throw up. My vision blurred and my hearing echoed. I couldn’t see or hear anything else but my ragged breathing and my soft hiccups and sobs. At some point, someone lowered my body, and I ended up sitting on the ground without me knowing. My hands instinctively grabbed the closest thing next to me as I tried to pull myself together.

“Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay,” someone whispered to me, the voice extremely soothing.

I found myself calming down in the next few minutes. I was able to hear much more clearly, and I stopped sobbing, though I was still hiccupping and my vision was blurring. I wasn’t aware of my surroundings during the whole anxiety attack. But when I came back to reality, I didn’t realize that the person sitting next to me, the person going through the entire thing with me was Sehun.

When the realization hit upon me, I automatically let go of his hand and sprung up. I cleared my throat somewhat awkwardly. “Thanks for…” I trailed off, not exactly knowing how to thank him properly. “Just thanks,” I ended up saying lamely, “but you didn’t have to stay with me, you know.”

He also got up and shrugged nonchalantly. “I wanted to stay with you. It was clear that you needed someone and who knows what might’ve happened if you were left alone?”

All of a sudden, he was next to me, and when I dared to raise my head to face him, I noticed our height difference. It made me feel intimidated yet shy at the same time. My heart even started pounding, and I almost cursed at it for reacting to Sehun.

“You shouldn’t worry too much about what the other students might think of you,” he said with a small smile. “You’re the student body president. You were picked as one of the ten candidates by the school’s administration and the students voted you for president, not anybody else.”

I was about to retort, but I didn’t have anything to say in reply. What else could I say to Sehun, anyway?

“Be more confident in yourself, Jing.”

The second time I’ve talked to Oh Sehun face-to-face was when my vice-president, aka Kim Junmyeon, one of my closest friends, dragged me to one of his house parties. I was merely browsing the library that was in the large study room when I suddenly heard his voice. I suddenly let go of the book I was reading while my hand went to my heart, restraining myself from saying words that could make a sailor blush. Footsteps headed for my way, and a hand picked up the book from the floor. He looked at the cover and let out a small hum of appreciation before handing it back to me.

“The Perfume by Patrick Süskind,” he said. “I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t gotten the chance to read it yet.”

I gave him a tight smile as I took the book back and then shelved it. “You should give it a try when you can. It’s a nice read.”

His eyes then flickered to the table behind me, where I have left my bottle still full of beer and the shot of vodka that was left untouched. He let out a small chuckle. “I guess parties aren’t your thing, huh?”

I shrugged. “Crowds aren’t my thing in general.”

“Your speech at the beginning of the semester was great, though,” he replied. “I mean, compared to your first speech as president.”

I tried not to let out a groan at the reminder. “I’ve had help from my therapist. She said that I’d gotten better.”

My eyes widened at my words, both surprised and angry at myself for revealing such personal information to someone I barely knew. I didn’t like other people to worry about me either. Hell, even my parents didn’t know about my anxiety. I didn’t want the others to pity me either, or to treat me differently. At the same time, there were so many misconceptions about anxiety that I didn’t want to bother explaining everything. It was too much of a hassle—even more than giving a speech to a crowd.

But somehow, that look in his eyes seemed to tell me that he understood what I was going through, that I should not be ashamed. It made me feel comforted and comfortable in my skin. For once, I did not reprimand myself for being so weak-minded as I usually was. So, I cast the negative feelings aside and slightly bowed my head.

“Thanks for everything.”

But I think the moment I started opening up to that guy was when I started going out with Park Chanyeol, who was also one of Sehun’s closest friends. We do live in a small world.

Chanyeol was almost like the complete opposite of me.

He liked to stand out in a crowd; I disliked it.

He didn’t mind speaking in front of people; I hated it.

He was cheerful and optimistic; I was somewhat neutral and apathetic.

I didn’t even understand why a guy like Chanyeol would fall for a girl like me. A pitiful girl who could not say no to her parents or disappoint anyone close to her. Chanyeol didn’t know about my anxiety, of course. It was not something I liked to share with other people, no matter who they were. Even my family were unaware that I’m an overly anxious person.

When Chanyeol ran late because of his practices or his study sessions, he would always send Sehun to fetch me instead of anybody else. I confronted him once about it, and he shrugged as he answered, “He volunteered.” I didn’t ask him about it anymore after that. Although his reply was indeed puzzling, I found myself giving up on trying to figure out why Sehun wanted to hang out around me so much, and instead embraced our newly profound friendship.

But, who would have thought that becoming friends with Sehun would lead to this?

Because if I did know what would happen, then perhaps I would have asked Chanyeol to ask another friend to bring me home.

***

“ALRIGHT, WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” someone said as they plopped down in the seat in front of me. I tried not to cringe at the choice of words and only let out a small exasperated sigh when I realized that it was Sehun.

“Can you not?” I frowned and flipped a page from the document the dean had asked me to look over. “It’s kind of disturbing hearing you say that.”

“Okay, no, but for real.”

After becoming closer with Sehun, the way we spoke to each other gradually changed as our friendship progressed into something much more profound and essential. When we used to be acquaintances, we would always be formal to each other, never daring to cross that imaginary line that separated us two. When we became friends, we passed that imaginary boundary and started asking and answering more personal questions that nobody else would. And when we became best of best friends, there was perhaps not a single thing that Sehun did not know about me, and vice-versa.

Now, we were finally in our third year of university, and we were still like two peas in a pod.

“Uh huh,” I mumbled, my eyes still focused on the document.

Although my attention solely focused on the document, a part of me would always pay attention to Sehun, which was why I found it weird that he suddenly became silent. I dared to take a peek at him and saw him frowning and deep in thoughts. He even had his index finger between his teeth, a sign that showed that he was thinking hard about something.

“I don’t like the look that you have on your face,” I mumbled to him before putting away the paper in my bag. “Okay, tell me what’s wrong? You usually don’t make that face unless something is wrong.”

His eyes widened slightly, probably surprised by the fact that I stopped paying attention to my work, and opened his mouth before closing it and opening it again. I raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him, curious but worried about his behaviour. Sehun then let out a deep sigh and placed his hand over mine.

I stared at the hand that was on top of mine and then looked at him weirdly, slightly creeped out.

“What the ?”

“Jing, you know how much I care about you, right?”

“What is this?”

“And you know that I do care about your well-being and other aspects of your life.”

“What is going on?”

“Did you and Chanyeol break up again?”

My body and posture froze from that one sentence. I immediately retreated my hand away and turned my head around from him while I mumbled, “It’s none of your business.”

Again.

That word was the one thing that irked me from his sentence; it was not even the breaking up part. To be honest, I feel like I’ve gotten used to this, which is probably not a good thing. But it almost feels like a common occurrence between Chanyeol and me now. Everyone in the group is practically sick of our on-and-off relationship.

Sehun was the only one who still cared enough to ask me how I feel among all this turmoil.

“I’m just so jealous of yours and Irene’s relationship,” I whispered, trying to keep my tears in check. It wasn’t our second or third time breaking up. We’ve broken up so many times that I’ve lost count. Being in a rocky, on-and-off relationship was not only mentally exhausting, but it was draining my soul from my body.

“I just want a happy and healthy relationship,” I continued. “Is that too much to ask for?”

Being around Sehun makes me drop my guards. I’m always vulnerable around him as if my mind and body know that it is okay to be weak and fragile as long as Sehun was near me, comforting me. Naturally enough, Sehun’s long arms wind up around my shoulders, and I let my tears flow.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry over Chanyeol. How many times do I have to tell you that he is not worth your tears?”

I let out a breathy chuckle; I couldn’t tell whether he was serious or not, but that’s also how he usually started his long speeches and his pieces of advice always sounded too smart and wise for a guy like him. I’ve always thought that he probably found that advice on the internet or something, but it didn’t take me long to realize that his words were from his heart.

Sehun then softly pushed me back and looked deep into my eyes, his hands on my shoulders. “Answer me this one question and think about your answer carefully, okay?”

I nodded my head slowly, unsure of where this conversation was going. But I trusted Sehun with all of my heart.

“Do you see yourself marrying Chanyeol?”

I gaped at him. I knew he could be random and spontaneous, but that was one question I did not expect. Good thing that I wasn’t drinking anything or I’m probably sure that I would have spit the water out to his face. But then, I did start thinking about my answer to his question. I spent three, almost four, years of my life with Chanyeol, and it was hard thinking about being with someone other than him.

But I knew one fact.

I wasn’t happy in this relationship, and I’m pretty sure that Chanyeol was not either. Both of us were just too stubborn to admit that we didn’t like each other as we did before, and we didn’t want to get out of our comfort zone.

Although Chanyeol and I were super different, one thing we did have in common was that we were scared of opening up to other people, to new people. It took us so long to be with each other; it was probably due to that fear that we did not dare to break off this relationship.

But the relationship was taking a toll on both of us, causing us to fight almost every single time we see each other. And for both of our sake and our happiness, it was time to end this once and for all.

“No, I don’t,” I said softly under my breath as if I was trying to say it to myself only. “I don’t see myself being married to Chanyeol and spending the rest of my life with him.”

“Then why are you so worried and sad about a broken relationship if you know that you’re not going to be together forever?” he told me with a small smile. “Enjoy your youth! Enjoy your freedom before tying yourself down. Take this time and freedom to rediscover yourself. And by doing so, who knows? Maybe you might be able to find your significant other.”

I was rendered speechless by what he just said. I was about to laugh out loud at how ridiculous his advice sounded until it sank in, and my mind went, Holy , Sehun is making sense.

But even if he did, I didn’t have that luxury. My parents would disown me if ever I ask if it was possible for me to take a gap year. The scandal that it would cause in our family’s mansion. I would probably do it if my actions wouldn’t cause so much trouble for my older siblings—I owed them too much.

“What about you, then?” I asked him, and he raised a brow. “Do you see yourself marrying Irene anytime soon in the future?”

He bobbed his shoulders. “Maybe.”

At that time, I didn’t understand why my heart hurt so much. It didn’t take me long before I finally realized why. I thought it was probably the after-effects of crying and letting myself go after our talk. But, I was so, so naïve to believe that.

And I didn’t know how the hell was I even able to muster a smile.

“How cute.”

One thing I should mention though was that Sehun and I never had fought seriously with each other. At least, not the ones that we would ignore each other for an extended period. Of course, we would have our usual banter (honestly, I don’t think it’s healthy to not fight once in a while) and it usually got resolved within a matter of even seconds.

We probably had our first serious fight when his girlfriend started getting involved a little bit too much in our friendship. I had nothing against Irene; she was a pretty, sweet girl who was older than all of us, and that maturity of hers led her to be more understanding and caring. Hence, a girl that would go well with Sehun.

I wouldn’t say that the time Sehun and I spend together was abnormal, but we do spend a lot of time together. Although we didn’t major in the same subject, we were somehow able to take a few elective classes together. Not only that, since I was majoring in Sociology, Sehun would often find me to help him with his introductory class. He helped me a lot, not only with school stuff, so the least I could do was to tutor him.

I never thought it was a problem until Irene brought it up to me while we were waiting for the boys to finish with their practice.

“So, how are you and Chanyeol doing?”

My eyes flickered from my laptop’s screen to her face, and for a second, I thought she was smirking deviously. But it disappeared as quickly as it appeared. It made me feel kind of skeptical of her for a second. Irene didn’t hang out with us much since she did have her circle of older friends, but she would often come and go out with us sometimes. And I knew for sure that she was aware that Chanyeol and I have officially broken up.

I cleared my throat as I continued to type my essay. “Chanyeol and I have broken up,” I replied as naturally as I can. “It’s been a while.”

“Oh,” she said and smiled sadly at me. “I am so sorry.”

Her smile made me feel so uncomfortable, to the point that my stomach started churning and flipping. It was as if it was telling me there was bad news coming up soon.

“It’s okay,” I said, not wanting her to have the satisfaction. “It was a mutual break up, and both of us are super happy now. But thanks for your concern anyway.”

The silence between came back, and I almost thanked the Lord for giving me back that peaceful break that I so desperately needed. Almost, because Irene opened up again, but this time, not with kind words.

“I hope you won’t get too offended with what I am about to tell you, right now…”

I raised an eyebrow. “Usually, when people say that, it’s because they’re about to say something offensive to the other person.”

But she ignored me completely. “You’re not Sehun’s girlfriend, I am. And I would greatly appreciate it if you can stop hanging out with him. Or better yet, stop being friends with him.”

I made a face. “Excuse me?”

Honestly, if it weren’t for my therapist’s voice echoing inside my head at the moment, I would have probably slapped her. But then, there were so many things to consider. Just thinking about it almost gave me not only a headache but a heart attack because I wouldn’t dare to disappoint my parents by getting kicked out of school and basically, have everything I worked so hard for, disappear right in front of my face.

It was a situation that I had never really encountered before. All of Sehun’s previous girlfriends had no problem with me being his best friend. Some of them were even happy that his best friend was a girl and that I could help them out.

But I guess in Irene’s situation; it was different.

“You heard me,” she said with her chin up high. “I want you to stop being friends with him.”

I probably stared at her for a good minute, waiting for her to add a small, ‘just kidding!’. But they never came. I didn’t exactly know how to react appropriately to this. Was I supposed to cry and beg for her to let me friends with Sehun? Or was I supposed to act like a mean girl and tell her to off?

In the end, I chose neither and went back to my essay. Confrontations had never been my thing, and with time, I learned to ignore them. Though, sometimes, this trait of mine did come with dire consequences.

“,” she muttered and finally left me alone.

In the end, I found myself unable to focus on my essay and instead, my mind went back to what Irene had told me. I understood that from her point of view and position that me hanging out with Sehun could also possibly reflect poorly on her and her reputation. But there was a way to ask people a favour and the way she asked me did not make me want to accept hers at all.

But I tried to think of the pro side of this bargain, or whatever this was. When I think about it, it was true that I relied on Sehun a bit too much. But that’s what best friends were for; to rely on each other and to help each other out in time of need. Perhaps I didn’t have to give up on my friendship with Sehun completely. I could distance myself from him a little instead.

And besides, he did tell me that we were at the prime of our age; that we should be going out and meet new people. It was kind of ironic and hypocritical of him since he was also tied down and didn’t seem to have the intention of listening to his advice, but I wasn’t him. I wasn’t as simple-minded as Sehun.

Perhaps it was time for me to take his advice and go out and live a little.

With a small sigh, I took out my cell phone and texted someone I would have never thought I would text again.

>> Yah, Park Chanyeol
>> Are you free tonight? I want to go out.

>> I’ll meet you at your house at ten.

>> See you then.

I was grateful that he didn’t ask any questions.

But, well, who would have thought that I would go to my ex for help?

It didn’t take Sehun long to realize that I was avoiding him. It also didn’t take him long to notice how different was I from the girl he met just a few years ago. I didn’t blame him. I was slowly becoming a wreck, and nobody else noticed it except for him. It infuriated me to the core because I did not understand why was Sehun the only one who could know and understand me so well.

Sehun was the one who confronted me. I didn’t even realize that he was the one who set up a meeting. At first, Chanyeol told me that he was able to set me up with one of his friends and although I was not ecstatic, I still decided to take him up on his offer because, at this point, I thought that I was pretty desperate.

It turns out it was Sehun who asked him for a favour, and since Chanyeol owed him one, he didn’t have a choice but keep his words.

It didn’t take me long to realize that it was Sehun since his pair of dark eyes were the first thing I saw as soon as I entered the café. I should have known as well since the coffee shop was a place I would go to. The location was relatively empty, a perfect place to study and not to mention, a place where there are fewer risks for me to get an anxiety attack. The décor was modern and straightforward, and the music that was playing was soft not to disturb any of the customers.

I was so close to leaving the place, but if Sehun already realized that I was avoiding him, there was no point in continuing further with this plan. It was stupid. But a part of me understood and forced me to play along. It was such a small part of my body, but it controlled most of my actions and thoughts.

You would have thought it was my brain.

Wrong.

It was my heart.

My weak, stupid and pathetic heart.

My parents would laugh at my current state and reprimand me for letting my heart control my emotions. My family has always been a more rational type than the emotional. They didn’t believe that feelings could lead me anywhere, but hard work instead, which is why they kept pushing me past my limits. The same thing happened to my older siblings. Although they didn’t show it, I was pretty damn sure that they were miserable. But because our personalities were so similar, I also knew that they didn’t want to disappoint our parents.

These past few weeks without Sehun made me feel even more miserable and glum. I never realized how hard it was to live a day without him by my side. But I was stubborn as well. I didn’t want to give up on something that I have started. This conflict between my rational and my emotional side also took a toll on me and made me realize something vital.

Somewhere deep inside of my heart probably knew it since the first day I’ve met Sehun, but my parents were my priority, and I didn’t spare another glance at my feelings.

So, after the past lonely weeks, I’ve finally realized that I was in love with him.

I was in love with my best friend, Oh Sehun.

And how could I possibly forget the fact that he was not single?

Oh, and also how his girlfriend hated my guts for being so close to him and how she was scared that I might steal him away from her?

And now that I’ve finally realized my feelings, a part of me wished that Irene should have asked me to leave her and Sehun earlier in our friendship. That way, I wouldn’t have realized my feelings for him. But that was also futile because I realized it’s because I was away from him that I realized my feelings for him.

I ordered a vanilla latte and asked the waiter if he could bring it to the table where Sehun was sitting. When I got the confirmation, I then made my way to Sehun while my heart pounded so loudly that my eardrums were probably about to burst. My mind was a mess, and I didn’t know how to start the conversation. So, when I sat down, I was only able to let out a meek, “Hey?”

Sehun let out a scoff, and I winced. It was the first time that I have ever seen him being this mad. “Oh, so now you decide to talk to me? What if I didn’t ask Chanyeol to ask you to come here under the pretext of a blind date? Would you have come if you knew that it was me?”

I didn’t know what to say because he did hit the bulls-eye. And when he realized that I was not going to say anything else, he continued, “Jing… did something happen or did I do something wrong?”

“No, of course, you didn’t do anything!” I exclaimed, almost jumping out from my seat and I shook my head furiously. “It’s not your fault. It’s just–”

Then I effectively shut myself up because I was about to spill out what Irene had said to me. What if his relationship with Irene became estranged because of me? What if I made Irene hate me even more for revealing everything to Sehun?

But Sehun was my best friend. I was sure that he would listen to me and made things clear with Irene. So, I took a deep breath and decided to reveal everything to him.

“Actually, Irene was the one who told me to stay away from you,” I said. “She told me that she wanted me to stop being friends with you. That’s why I avoided you.”

Sehun stayed silent, and I felt suffocated by his silence. His expression was unreadable, indescribable and at that moment, I felt like I didn’t know who Oh Sehun was anymore; because his next words pierced deeply into my heart.

“Stop it with the jokes, Jing, I don’t have time for this,” he said as he rubbed his face with one of his hands. “You’re telling me that my girlfriend of two years told you to stop being friends with me? Jing, if she were jealous of our relationship, she would have said so months ago! What the hell are you trying to do?”

I was beyond shocked with not only the way he spoke to me but also how… mistrustful of me he sounded. I was so shocked that I was rendered speechless. My first reaction was to shout back at him that it was true, that I wasn’t lying to him. My second reaction was to panic. Considering how anxious I had been for the past few weeks, given that I was worried that I would not only accidentally meet up with Sehun, but also with the dreadful finals week—this was not what I needed at the moment.

My breath started to become more shallow, and my throat was closing up on me. I felt like I was not able to breathe nor move. I could feel it taking over my body, and I started panicking even more. My eyes darted back and forth, and I tried to explain to Sehun that I have to leave, but I kept stumbling over my words, and my eyes weren’t able to focus on anything.

I could feel my tears rolling down my cheeks, and that was the last thing that I want the others or Sehun to see. The last thing I needed from them was their pity, and I didn’t wish to Sehun to think that I was acting to get his sympathy.

As I left, I almost ran over the poor waiter that had my latte. I quickly apologized as I went for the exit. But it was a bad idea, as the change of environment seemed to have made it worse for me. My vision of the world became distorted. The people bustling around me made my head spin.

I would have almost stumbled upon the busy streets filled with cars if it wasn’t for an arm reaching out for me.

Just like a light in a void of darkness.

***

“YOU SEEM TO BE HAPPIER THAN USUAL,” Chanyeol told me as he walked me to my next class. We had the same break and decided to spend more time together. This time, as friends and not as lovers. It turns out that we matched perfectly as well as friends. As a friend, Chanyeol made me discover sides of his that I never knew they existed before and he seemed to be a much brighter and open person around his friends. “So, you have excellent grades, nice family, and supportive friends. Now, what else is missing? A boyfriend?”

I snorted.

If only he knew.

“Right.”

Chanyeol must have realized that my tone wasn’t as cheerful as usual, despite his initial comment about how happier I seemed to be. But if only he understood how untrue it was. I also snorted because he just dissed himself. But then again, I was probably not that good of a girlfriend to him either.

“You guys are still fighting?” he asked out of the blue.

“Who’s still fighting with who?” I replied, unable to meet his eyes.

Even though I did say that Sehun was probably the only one who understood me the most, Chanyeol was perhaps a close second. After all, he did spend almost four years of his life with me. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he knew some stuff that Sehun didn’t (though I somehow highly doubted it).

“You guys should probably make up soon,” he said. “It’s weird not seeing you two together. And I think your health is deteriorating and I know you won’t listen to anyone but him. So, for the sake of everyone and your health, please reconcile with each other.”

I rolled my eyes and then stopped in my tracks when I felt my phone vibrating in my jeans pocket. I raised a finger at Chanyeol, silently asking him to wait for just a second when I answered my phone with a subtle smile. “Hey,” I said, and he replied with a ‘hey’ and a small chuckle. “Why are you calling me? Aren’t you supposed to be in a meeting or something?”

“I was, but I needed to call you for something,” he said and then took a deep breath, somehow worrying me a little. “Uh, look, can we meet up later and talk?”

My brows furrowed at his question. Although I was worried about why he suddenly wanted to meet up with me, I agreed to his request nonetheless. “Sure? But I have a test now, and I don’t know at what time am I going to end today. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, sure, of course,” he replied hastily. “Text me when you’re done, okay?”

I hummed and then ended the call. I walked back to Chanyeol with a small bounce in my steps when the latter cocked a curious eyebrow in my direction, surprised with my sudden change of mood. A few seconds later, he started cackling like a maniac.

“Jesus Christ, Jing!” He continued to laugh loudly and even started slapping his thigh like a seal. “You’re getting laid, aren’t you?”

My mouth fell open and immediately went to cover his loud mouth. “Oh, my God, Yeol! I didn’t ask you to shout it to the world!”

He snorted loudly with laughter. “What? You are for real? God, okay, I’ll stop teasing you,” he said when he saw that I was glaring at him. “Just make sure to stay protected, okay? I know it sounds weird coming from me, but not every guy out there is considerate like I was.”

I shook my head. “Thanks, Chanyeol,” I told him and then motioned the door on my left. “This is my class. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Sehun is also in this class, no?” he said and then saw the look on my face before shaking his head with a small laugh. “You should talk to him soon, Jing. You guys are best friends. I’m sure he feels like a wreck, too.”

He then bade me goodbye and went for his class. However, his words did leave an impact on me. Yes, Chanyeol was probably half-joking about the protection thing, but when I thought about it, wasn’t I supposed to get my period two weeks ago? I hastily started counting the days as I entered the classroom and sat down in my seat lifelessly. I was so focused on counting the days that I didn’t even notice that Sehun was staring at me with concern.

I only snapped out of my thoughts when my professor announced his presence by slamming the door close. I slightly jumped out of my seat in surprise and shook my whole body to get myself in check. I thought to myself that it was perhaps the stress and the school workload that was getting to me. Being late by a whole week didn’t mean anything to me.

I nodded to myself as I arrived at that conclusion. But then, those thoughts came back to me as I received my latest grade on my poli-sci essay, even though they had no relation whatsoever.

I received a 89%. I automatically flipped my essay open to see what were my mistakes and I couldn’t believe that the mistakes I’ve made were so simple; mistakes that I wouldn’t have made in my usual normal state. Dread started to fill my body, and I was about to ask the teacher to go to the bathroom when he suddenly began distributing our test papers.

, it’s true. We had a test. I even mentioned it earlier.

My hands started becoming clammy, and I swear that my feet were beginning to feel cold as well. I didn’t even know why I was inwardly freaking out. I studied for this test. I knew that I was ready for it. I knew that I could easily ace this test. But with the thoughts of my period being late, my big A- on my essay instead of an A+ and the prospect of me possibly losing my best friend of all time was just too much for me to handle at the moment.

I didn’t even realize that I was shaking and crying at the same time when my teacher called me out worriedly, “Jing…?” When I didn’t respond, my teacher shook his head and said, “Calm down, okay? You don’t have to worry about a single thing. You’ll get over it. It’s just a test, stop overreacting!”

But I can’t! My mind shouted, and I cried even harder.

The students around me started talking amongst themselves and God; I couldn’t handle the noise. “Pl-please– ju-just st-stop, I– I– can’t–”

“Mr. Jung, what the hell did you say to her?” I heard a familiar voice shout to the teacher next to me, and my hands blindly searched for that voice.

“Sehun! That is not how you’re supposed to talk to–”

“To the teacher, yeah, yeah, I know,” he said and waved the teacher aside. “Okay, Jing, do you need to be moved to a quieter place?”

I nodded though I wasn’t able to see who was the one talking to me and helping me go through this episode. But if I’m ready to see him correctly after this, I will thank and will be grateful to him forever.

“Okay, Jing, I’m going to move you to a quieter place, is that okay?”

“P-please,” I managed to croak out.

After that, they walked me to an empty classroom. Silence overpowered the whole room, and the only thing I could hear was my breathing. I did manage to calm myself down until I realized that I’ve probably made a fool of myself in the classroom, which worried me to a certain extent.

Ever since I was younger, I was raised to act a certain way and to possess a specific behaviour around certain people because it was for my benefit. I was taught to, never show any weaknesses and to always seem confident in everything I do because that’s how I would be able to rise in society. But after this incident, I felt like all the efforts I’ve made since the beginning of my university life just came crashing down.

What would the other students think of me now? Would they make fun of me? Would they feel that I was unsuitable as the student body president?

Worse.

Would the teachers send a notice to my parents?

My body started to shake after that, once again. I then felt a hand rubbing my backs soothingly, and my ragged breathing eventually became slow, pacified breaths. Perhaps during my fit, I didn’t know who was the one who took care of me, but in the back of mind, I probably knew, which was perhaps the reason why it was so easy for him to take care of me and to drag me to another place.

Only he knew how I should be dealt with, and of course, my situation.

But because of our fight, we were left in an uncomfortable silence that left me breathless and tongue-tied. I didn’t like this tense atmosphere; I didn’t like the fact that we weren’t able to speak to each other normally and comfortably just like before. And perhaps that is one of the reasons why I couldn’t convince myself to confess to Sehun.

Because I know Oh Sehun.

Because I know exactly how was he going to react.

And I didn’t want to put him through that cruel procedure.

Sehun had always been there for me. For all these years, I’ve been unconsciously relying on him for mental support—so much that I feel like I’ve been taking him for granted. His selflessness and my selfishness were what got us into this current situation. Irene was right; it was time for me to stop being friends with him. It was the reality check I needed; to know where our boundaries lied and what line were we not supposed to cross.

I’d been tiptoeing around that line for the past years. And it was finally time for me to take a big step back and let Sehun move on beyond that imaginary line that kept us together for so long.

“Are you feeling better?” he finally asked, his eyes not facing mine.

“Yeah,” I replied curtly and got up from the floor as I pat the dust away from my pants. “Sorry that I dragged you into this. I appreciate it.”

He let out a small hum. “Have you been seeing your therapist lately?”

My body tensed and Sehun noticed it, as shown with the furrow of his brows at my lack of an answer. However, I did not let him ask me any questions. I didn’t want him to ask me more questions. He already had a lot on his plate, and it was time for me to relieve him of that burden.

“It’s not really any of your business,” I mumbled, my eyes unable to meet his. “And because it’s none of your business, you don’t have to help me out, next time. I’m getting better so I’ll be fine.”

His frown deepened, and his jaw tightened at my words. That was no surprise since I had never acted this cold towards Sehun before. He was probably confused by my sudden change of behaviour, and to be honest; I would be too if I were him. But he also needed to understand that I was doing this for him.

Not to mention how my parents didn’t know about my current relationships and friendships. They only allowed me to have these “fleeting” friendships and relationships so that I could enjoy my student life a bit more. By the time I graduate, they’d expect me to cut off all ties, no matter how close I am with them.

“Fine? You’ll be fine? Are you out of your mind?” Sehun’s voice raised higher with each sentence. “Did you even see how you reacted back in class and you’re telling me you’re getting better? You better stop this right here and now because you know that you are ing lying.”

My hands gripped the end of my shirt as I listened to him. I was getting angry, and I knew it. Not because he was getting mad at me or because he was reprimanding me for lying to his face, but because I knew that he was right; because I knew that I was not only telling him nonsense but to myself as well. Who was I kidding when I said that I was getting better?

“Stop,” I mumbled lifelessly. “Please, just stop.”

“Jing–” Sehun opened his mouth and then closed it when he saw the expression on my face. I didn’t know how I looked like, but I must have looked like a wreck to him if he became silent after seeing my face. Although Sehun always knew how to deal with me whenever I had my fits and anxiety attacks, he never quite knew what to do whenever I was in despair.

Broken, expressionless and tired.

That’s how I felt and looked.

Three reasons why Sehun would never be able to know what to do.

Because he never felt those three things.

I didn’t say anything else, and he didn’t either. And as I left the classroom, I could feel him boring his eyes into the back of my head. With that in mind, I tried to bury the memories of my best friend in the back of my head as our friendship came to an end at that moment.

Or so I thought.

A few days after, Chanyeol kept pestering me about the guy I was seeing. He was surprised to find out that even Sehun didn’t know that I was seeing somebody either. But then again, it’s not like as if we were talking much even then. After all, I met him after Sehun, and I started fighting. I didn’t want to admit it, but perhaps in a way, I was using him to replace Sehun even though the two weren’t similar at all.

Anyway, to say that I was seeing him would be too much of a stretch. We were not in any position to be seeing each other or to even be in a relationship. Both of our circumstances didn’t allow us. And I was almost sure that my parents would disown me if they ever find out what was going on outside of my university life.

Being born into a family of politicians and influential people, my siblings and I were bound to be conditioned into this line of work as well.

My eldest brother, Jun, graduated a few years back and was our current President’s Secretary. In short, he was currently our parents’ biggest pride.

My second older brother, Ming graduated just a year after Jun and was working his way up as part of the Prime Minister’s team. Though, our parents still liked to brag about him as much as Jun.

My older sister, Qian, graduated last year and was currently working locally. Like our older brothers, she wanted to work her way up by starting small. The province elected her party, and I almost scoffed at her (of course, playfully) because how is any of that considered local?

And then, there was me. The youngest who has to reach not only my parents’ expectations but also every other person that knows our family name.

Perhaps, that was one of the reasons why people didn’t want to approach me. They weren’t afraid of me, per se. I mean, look at me. A single glance and anybody could tell that I was weak and soft-hearted. No, they were afraid of my family name, a name that has been influential throughout history. My pedigree was what sent them into a turmoil.

But it was because of my weak heart and soft-spoken that my parents were harsher on me than any of my siblings.

Jun was charismatic; anybody would kiss up to him every time he opened his mouth about something. Ming was sly, a characteristic perfect for anyone who wanted to become a somebody in a world of backstabbing politicians. And Qian was bold and audacious; she wouldn’t allow other people, use her gender against her.

As for me?

Pathetic. My parents would spit at me if ever my votes for the elections were just slightly better than my opponents. At that point, winning wasn’t something they cared about anymore—victory must be a given. They started caring about the differences, about how much impact I have. Because that just showed how influential and vital I really was.

It really wasn’t until university that I managed to overcome that. When they found out I got elected President, beating over the third years and fourth years by a significant margin (not to mention I was the only first-year running for that position), my parents threw a big bash in my honour, even announcing to the whole crowd that I was probably going to be the next President.

No pressure there.

As much as I want to blame Chanyeol or Sehun for the falling out of our relationships, the common factor for both was me. There was no denying that with the particular upbringing I was brought up, that I could be—was—toxic for any of my relationships. That was one aspect that I agreed with my parents: they had to be fleeting. I couldn’t possibly drag them into my already pathetic and harrowing life. 

The only reason why they tolerated my friendships so far was because my friends were somewhat in the same social class as my family. Junmyeon, Jongdae, and Seulgi were really the only ones that my parents had accepted. And even then, that might be of a stretch. But God forbid that I befriend a scholarship student. No, my parents would say, they wouldn’t bring anything to you. As if befriending someone kind and smart wasn’t a reason that was justified enough.

That explained my weekly trips to my therapist.

Thank God for privacy. I almost made my therapist sign a contract that she wouldn’t say a thing to my parents about my condition. Funny how I was more worried about my parents’ reaction than what the public would think of me if ever this information gets leaked by her. But like most professionals in her field of work, she was bound by a code of conduct and morals.

Being so paranoid and wary of my parents, it would explain why I was so secret about my new so-called relationship. Hell, not even Qian knew about him. I wanted us to stay on the down-low. So, we didn’t really see each other in very public places where the media could recognize me.

Kangjoon was older than me by four years, which I thought was an okay . He wasn’t too old, but he wasn’t too close to my age. And besides, I was about to graduate anyway, so it didn’t matter that I was still in school, even less when our relationship was just supposed to be a friendship in other people’s eyes.

“Jing!” I heard someone call me while Kangjoon and I were taking a walk around the school’s gardens. And I was surprised by Chanyeol who was running over to me. My eyes widened in alarm, and I almost wanted to hit him for being so aloof—couldn’t he see that I was with someone?

“Chanyeol, hey.” I tried to stay nonchalant, though I knew from the look of his eyes that he had the sense of what was going on between Kangjoon and me. He even had the damn nerve to subtly wink at me, one that I hoped Kangjoon didn’t notice. “Can I help you with anything?”

“Right…” he trailed off as his eyes went back and forth between Kangjoon and me. “Who are you?” he asked bluntly and I closed my eyes in defeat.

Kangjoon didn’t take offence to that and offered his hand to my friend to shake. “I’m Seo Kangjoon, a friend of Jing’s. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chanyeol.”

My ex-boyfriend didn’t hesitate to take his hand and reply the same, though I had a feeling that his smile was beginning to look forced.

“Alright, really, why did you call me out?” I asked, trying to ease out the tension in the air that was starting to make me feel edgy. And frankly, with all the stress I’ve been getting, a fight between two alpha males was the last thing I needed.

Thankfully, he took the hint and was finally going to ask me his question when another voice, this time more feminine and oddly annoying, called out my name. “Jing!”

I wasn’t shy to groan out loud, and Kangjoon chuckled at that. “Miss Popular, aren’t you?”

“Clearly,” I answered with a straight face but that quickly crumbled down when I realized who the girl that called me was.

Irene.

Jesus, exactly what I needed.

Followed by Sehun right behind.

I immediately plastered the fakest smile I could summon at the moment, and I swear I heard Chanyeol snort into his sleeve as he was so used to seeing me switch my personality on-and-off. Kangjoon, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be surprised either. It almost looked like he was used to this as well, which almost made me go haywire because I don’t ever think I had ever switched my demeanour in front of him. At least, not consciously.

“Irene, how may I help you?” I asked and then muttered under my breath, “What the hell are office hours for if people don’t ask me questions during that time…”

Kangjoon’s hand went to the small of my back and rubbed it comfortingly.

“I was wondering…” she said but then paused as if she just noticed that Chanyeol and Kangjoon were next to me. Typical of her. “Oh, look who we got here. Chanyeol and… Jing’s new boyfriend? Talk about awkward.”

Both Chanyeol and I rolled out eyes at her antics. I’ve always made it clear to him about how much I disliked the older girl the second she ordered me to leave Sehun alone, whereas he didn’t have a choice but put up with her since she was Sehun’s girlfriend. But he did enjoy taking quips at her with me occasionally when Sehun was absent.

I didn’t dare to peek at Sehun’s face to see what was his reaction to Irene’s claims. I purposely didn’t refute or give in to what she said, but Kangjoon didn’t either. So, I assumed that it should be alright for us just to let things hang in the air. But the second I took a fleeting glance over, a pang of guilt hit me in the heart.

It was only for a second, but I saw. Just how betrayed and hurt Sehun looked because I didn’t let him know. And that expression immediately morphed into a stony, unreadable one. But I could tell that he was angry, if not furious, just by that tick in his sharp jaw and that bulge of a vein that showed how frustrated he was on the right side of his forehead.

If we were still friends, I would have felt just slightly guilty for hiding this information from him. But now that our friendship was dead, it was gone as fast as his expression.

“No, we’re just friends,” I ended up saying, but I didn’t forget to mentally slap myself for being so weak when it came to Sehun and his puppy face.

It was this meeting that undoubtedly prompted Sehun to start talking to me again. The next day, which was the day we had that one class together, he took the seat next to mine. I tried to act unnerved, of course, but he was staring at me throughout the whole class that I didn’t have a choice but confront him when it came to the break for our three-hour-long class.

“Alright, what do you want?” I asked as I swivelled my chair around to face him.

I also tried to ignore the not-so-subtle stares that I was receiving from the rest of our classmates. It was expected since we haven’t talked for a while. But I thought they would have the decency to act as if they didn’t care, but the lack of drama in their dull lives was probably the reason for their unwanted attention.

I sighed again when I knew our classmates wouldn’t leave us alone.

Although I was the one who started this conversation, I realized just how unprepared I was for it. The second my eyes landed on him, I just froze up like a deer in highlights. Sehun took my body’s stiffness as a bad sign, and he was about to reach out when my phone rang through the whole auditorium.

Forgot to put that on vibrate.

“Excuse me,” I said and almost patted myself on the back for not stumbling out of my seat as I went and answered my call in the hallway.

“Hello?” I said with a frown. I usually didn’t pick up No ID calls, mainly because they were generally from the family but all of my family members never really bothered to call me unless it was to remind me about an event that I had to attend, or about dinner but the would be rare.

“Good afternoon, is this Miss Jing?”

“Yes, this is she,” I replied, my frown getting deeper since I didn’t recognize the voice.

“Hello, Miss Jing, I am calling you to confirm the date and time of your appointment with Dr. Lee.”

“Oh, right, um, what are his availabilities again?”

“Next Monday and Wednesday, both at 1 PM.”

I went through my agenda in my head. “I’ll be free next Wednesday.”

“I’ll have you written down, have a nice day Miss Jing.”

“Yes, thank you, and you too.”

I let out a big sigh after ending the call and wondered whether it was worth it to stay for the rest of the class. There were almost an hour and a half left, which meant that I would be missing quite the material but I felt too exhausted and mentally drained to go through it.

I decided to it up and go back to class when I turned around and met Sehun’s steely, dark brown eyes on me. Chanyeol always told me that although Sehun always looked stoic and bored, his expressionless face was nothing like his angry one. Sehun’s eyebrows almost met in the middle, due to how much he was frowning and his fierce brows didn’t help him look less scary or mad either. His ordinarily warm chocolate eyes were cold, distant and mostly, disappointed.

I never liked it when Sehun was disappointed.

Especially not when it was with me.

“What?” I growled unconsciously. I didn’t like the way he looked at me, especially not when I had an inkling as to why.

“You never needed to schedule your appointments before…” he mumbled. His face fell a little when he noticed how I reacted, almost like a ticking bomb.

“Should I remind you of my last words that I said to you before you broke off our friendship?”

“I never broke off our friendship! You did!”

Okay, true.

“Anyway, I told you that it was none of your business anymore,” I shot back with my arms crossed across my chest. “Now, if you’ll excuse me–”

But he grabbed hold of my arm and made me face him.

I was quickly losing patience. I completely forgot about the appointment, so the call was unexpected. And right before class, the teacher had a talk with me about how at risk my grades were. I wasn’t failing the course, God no, but as the top student, he was worried that my grades were slipping and he knew just how much they mattered to my parents and me. I wouldn’t even be surprised if my parents had a secretary to keep in touch with all of my university teachers to see how I was doing.

And now, I had to deal with Sehun.

“What?” I glared at him.

“Are you sick?” he asked, his eyes slowly becoming soft.

“Oh, now you’re concerned with my health? Now, you decide to act like some friend who suddenly cares about his friend who’s supposedly sick?”

“Don’t you dare act as if this is all my fault! You–”

“Sure!” I shouted back and threw my arms in the air. “Blame everything on me! I was the one who wanted to break off the friendship because you decided to trust your girlfriend’s words over mine. Now, how could I possibly blame you for picking sides? God, Sehun, I’m not mad that you’ve decided to side with her or anything–”

He gave me a look.

“Fine, I am a bit mad, but I’m madder about the fact that you didn’t even think about confronting her at all about this. Did you really think that some realization just hit upon me three years later after we became friends and I suddenly just don’t want to stay friends with you anymore? Can you be ing dafter than this?!”

Sehun let my words sink in, and I shook my head when I realize that he wasn’t going to give me a reply (or an apology, for that matter), anytime soon. So, I just let him be in the empty hallway and went back into the classroom.

***

WHEN I SAID THAT FAMILY DINNERS WERE RARE…

I wasn’t kidding.

Both of my parents, following their retirement from the world of politics, made their fortune with investments in stocks, and their name by donating money to philanthropies. With our family household and name, a lot of politicians would always kiss up to our family to bring us to their side. I thought that it was very daring and audacious of them, seeing that my siblings were still involved in politics. But recognizing that my siblings were still single, and named most eligible bachelors