The first thing in the morning that greets Taeyeon when she wakes up is the cold floor. She groans; the woollen blanket wrapped around her frame should have lessened the impact with the hard surface. Unfortunately, she’s stuck as a cocoon and only manages to get out of her blanket when Tiffany knocks on her door and pokes her head in to see if she’s awake.

 

“What are you doing?” Tiffany asks in amusement, a smile tugging the corners of her lips. Taeyeon groans for the second time and throws her blanket onto the mattress, not bothering to even make her bed.

 

“I’m having a bad start to the morning,” She mumbles, puffing up her cheeks and blowing the hair out of her face.

 

Tiffany just laughs at her.

 

“Well, you’re going to have a great day today. You’ve got your solo album to go over and then dance practice for the rest of the day.”

 

Tiffany cackles her way out of Taeyeon’s bedroom when the leader somehow musters up enough strength to throw her pillows at her.

 

 

 

Taeyeon wants to burn every pink object Tiffany owns because her words of Taeyeon having a great day ring true when she steps into the shower and, through her drowsy state, accidentally turns on the tap for cold water.

 

“!” Taeyeon yells, instantly waking up and decreasing the stream of water whilst turning the knob for hot water.

 

As she massages her hair with the shampoo, she faintly hears a knock on the door.

 

“Language Taetae!” Tiffany shouts before loudly laughing and walking away.

 

 

 

Taeyeon finally stumbles into the kitchen and settles onto a stool beside Yuri, who is drinking coffee whilst scrolling through her phone. She rests her head onto the marble counter and closes her eyes, only to be tapped on the cheek and flicked on the forehead by Sooyoung who places a plate of food in front of her. When Taeyeon throws her a suspicious look, the growl emitted by her stomach betrays her and she immediately reaches for the chopsticks and spoons.

 

“You shouldn’t be skipping meals Taeng,” Yuri says, placing her phone on the table and swivelling to the side to face her leader whilst sipping on her mug.

 

Taeyeon can smell the coffee and decides that she wants one too. Yuri happily obliges and prepares a cup for her.

 

“I’m not hungry,” Taeyeon grumbles, grateful that Seohyun isn’t around to remark on her eating-whilst-speaking habits. She’s been berated enough over the past nine years whilst living with her fellow member; she doesn’t need to be reminded for the millionth time to maintain polite manners whilst at the table even though Sooyoung and Yoona manage to stuff their mouths with everything and anything.

 

“Not an excuse Tae,” Sooyoung says, tapping Taeyeon’s cheeks and sitting on the other side of the woman. Taeyeon just remains quiet and continues to eat her meal, which she thinks looks strangely familiar.

 

“Did you guys eat Chinese food for dinner yesterday?” Taeyeon asks.

 

Sooyoung and Yuri just shake their heads, a look of surprise adorned on their faces. They didn’t expect Taeyeon’s memory to be that bad.

 

“That’s your dinner Taeng. You were meant to have Chinese takeaway for dinner last night,” Yuri answers, pointing to a plastic box that is still filled with food.

 

Taeyeon frowns until she realises what might have actually happened.

 

“No,” She says, dropping the chopsticks in her hand with a clutter.

 

The expressions on Sooyoung’s and Yuri’s faces only confirm her suspicions.

 

“She didn’t eat dinner either. I don’t know what happened yesterday but when we came back, there were two cold take-away boxes on the table. They didn’t look like they were opened at all and we didn’t see any utensils in the sink or drying rack,” Sooyoung says, patting Taeyeon’s arm in consolation. When the leader remains quiet and stares at the food in front of her instead of eating it, Sooyoung takes it as a clue to continue.

 

“Fany entered both your rooms last night to wake you up but she came back out and said the both of you cried yourselves to sleep.”

 

Taeyeon immediately shakes her head but when the grim expressions on the two member’s faces remain, guilt begins to creep inside her heart.

 

She no longer has the appetite to finish off her meal and the contents of the plate is dumped into the rubbish bin.

 

 

 

Her manager informs her that there’s an hour’s break between working on her solo album and group dance practice. Taeyeon takes the opportunity to fulfil her promise to Krystal and surprise her in the process. She stops by the Jung’s favourite bakery and picks out some of the pastries she remembers Krystal telling her she liked, as well as some other types of bread for the rest of the younger woman’s group members. She then heads back to the building and walks down the hallway leading to the dance practice rooms after messaging Krystal and asking her whereabouts.

 

When Taeyeon raps on the glass door to the dance practice room and pushes it open, she’s greeted by the group stopping their dance routine and turning to face her. A particular member’s face instantly brightens when she acknowledges the person standing by the door.

 

“Unnie!” Krystal annoyingly says, immediately running over and tackling the older woman. Taeyeon’s thankful that she’s got a bit of a balance and isn’t knocked over by the force ramming into her.

 

“Soojung! I’m old,” Taeyeon whines.

 

Krystal pushes herself off the woman and rolls her eyes.

 

“That’s not what you said a few days ago,” She says, sniggering when it’s Taeyeon’s turn to roll her eyes.

 

“I’m not going to give this to you,” The older woman says, raising her hand to show Krystal the plastic bag she’s holding. The younger woman’s eyes immediately brighten when she recognises the logo of her favourite bakery and she snatches the plastic bag before Taeyeon can retract her hand.

 

“Thank you Taeyeon-Unnie!” Krystal says, reaching into the bag and pulling out a pastry. She quickly devours the snack and closes her eyes as she relishes in the sweet taste of the filling. A hand to her back makes Krystal choke on her food and she swallows before turning around to face the culprit.

 

“Vic-Unnie!” Krystal says, tugging back on the plastic bag when the leader attempts to confiscate it.

 

“We’re practising, not taking a break,” Victoria says sternly, staring back at the youngest member and challenging her to question her command. When Krystal’s grip on the bag loosens, she successfully manages to remove the bag of pastries from the younger member and smirks in triumph.

 

Krystal pouts and turns to face Taeyeon.

 

“Unnie, help me,” She whimpers, latching onto the older woman’s arm and snuggling her face into Taeyeon’s cheeks. The woman giggles and shoves Krystal away.

 

“You should be practising,” Taeyeon supports Victoria’s statement, grinning when the younger woman releases her hold and glares at her before making her way over to Amber’s and Luna’s arms.

 

“I bought you all some snacks so you can eat them when you’re on your break or after practice,” Taeyeon says, playfully shooting Krystal a glare at the end of her sentence. The younger woman groans and complains to Amber, who chuckles at her fellow member’s whining.

 

Taeyeon squeezes Victoria’s arm in greeting and waves to the rest of the members before making her way out of the room. She doesn’t reach the end of the corridor when Krystal sticks her head out of the dance practice room and shouts a ‘thank you Unnie’ and gives her a wave. She returns the greeting and heads off to meet the rest of her group members for dance practice.

 

Krystal watches the older woman disappear and sighs.

 

She wishes Taeyeon would take better care of herself but the past two years have been proving otherwise.

 

 

 

After an exhausting three hours, the girls decide to take a ten-minute break and dash off to the restroom save for Sunny, Hyoyeon and Taeyeon, who immediately decides to lay on her back on the hard floor.

 

“Paper Taeng at her finest,” Sunny says, laughing when Taeyeon reaches over and pokes her stomach.

 

“You shut up,” The leader jokes.

 

“But it’s true Tae; you’re always flopping around on the floor or a sofa,” Hyoyeon says.

 

She dodges the older woman’s flailing arms as she tries, and fails, to slap her member.

 

“Isn’t it a wonderful life just flopping around?”

 

“Oh shut up Tae; you do it all the time.”

 

“And I love it each and every time,” Taeyeon adds, turning her face to the side and studying her reflection in the wall mirrors. With minimal makeup on, she can see the eye-bags that have become more prominent over the years. The t-shirt she’s wearing hangs loosely around her frame and she can make out her collarbones that have become more pronounced.

 

The three of them remain silent until Sunny speaks.

 

“Tae, are you okay?”

 

Taeyeon’s caught off guard by the question but she quickly remains her composure and manages a smile.

 

“I’m fine,” She begins to say as her default response but when the two members raise their eyebrows, she falters.

 

“Even with everything going on, you still say you’re fine?” Hyoyeon says.

 

“Really, I’m fine. It’s just been tiring juggling dance practice with my solo album,” Taeyeon answers truthfully.

 

The two members are only partially convinced by the leader’s response.

 

“So how come you and Sica didn’t eat anything for dinner last night despite food being available?”

 

Taeyeon exhales deeply.

 

“I was tired. I’m not sure why Soo-Jessica didn’t eat,” Taeyeon says, hoping her members didn’t catch her slip up. If they did, then Sunny and Hyoyeon are doing a very good job of not paying attention to it.

 

“Something big must have happened for her to come back to the dorms,” Hyoyeon muses, leaning forward and stretching her arms.

 

“Why does it feel like everyone knows what’s going on except me?” Taeyeon says, sitting up and childishly crossing her arms in front of her chest.

 

“We don’t. Not even Fany knows what’s going on and I think Jessica wants to tell you first,” Sunny replies, standing up from the floor and walking over to the remaining five members as they re-enter the room to resume dance practice.

 

Taeyeon’s left to ponder about Sunny’s words and she only becomes more confused when not even the other members know what’s going on with the ex-member.

 

 

 

The girls enter the dorm one by one and place their shoes on the rack in the hallway. As Taeyeon places her boots on the rack, she notices a particular pair of boots situated in a spot that she’s familiarised herself with for more than ten years. She freezes in her spot and only moves away when Sunny places a hand on her shoulders and asks if she’s alright for the second time that day.

 

Taeyeon just nods her head meekly.

 

When Taeyeon enters the living room, she’s greeted with the sight of Tiffany, Sooyoung, Yoona and Seohyun slumped together on the couch and watching the television. Shaking her head in amusement at her members, she joins Hyoyeon and Yuri in the kitchen as they prepare dinner (she suspects that the hungry eaters, Yoona and Sooyoung, have been banned from helping the chefs despite Yoona being a good cook).

 

Taeyeon’s just finished transferring the foods onto the plates when Yoona holds her elbow.

 

“Unnie, you should tell Sica-Unnie to come out of her room and eat dinner,” The younger woman says, deliberately ignoring the look of incredulity spreading on Taeyeon’s face.

 

Yoona snatches the plates off the leader and moves away towards the dining table.

 

Taeyeon looks for the rest of the members for help but when they all pointedly ignore her (she can see Sooyoung peeking over her upside down magazine anticipating her actions), she sighs and slowly makes her way to the ex-member’s room.

 

She raises her hand to the door and hesitates. It’s only when Hyoyeon announces that dinner is ready that she gently knocks on the door and waits for the person on the other side to pull it open.

 

Taeyeon’s taken aback when she’s faced with a woman wearing sunglasses at seven pm in a dimly lit room. It seems that Jessica’s also surprised by the older woman’s sudden appearance because forms an ‘o’ and she moves backward a few steps.

 

The pair remain awkwardly standing by Jessica’s door until Seohyun calls out “Taeyeon-Unnie?” and Sooyoung jokingly yells “Is Sica even awake yet?”

 

“Er…dinner’s ready,” Taeyeon mumbles, scratching the back of her not-so-itchy neck.

 

Jessica nods and closes her door, stepping around her former leader and making her way to the dining room. Taeyeon follows after the woman and when she enters, she notes the initial look of surprise on Tiffany’s face before it quickly transitions into a worried but gentle smile.

 

“Jessi, are you trying to promote ‘Blanc & Eclare’ here? It’s not sunny and it’s the evening.”

 

“No, I woke up with swollen eyes,” Jessica mumbles. She sits down besides Yoona and quietly begins to eat.

 

Taeyeon dramatically rolls her eyes when she realises her chair is beside Jessica’s for the second time and just manages to see Sooyoung and Hyoyeon smirking and bowing their heads down to eat their dinner. She settles down beside her ex-member and proceeds to eat.

 

“So Sica, what did you do today?” Sunny says, placing her chopsticks on the table and folding her arms in front of her as though she’s interrogating the woman. Jessica doesn’t expect to be spoken to so she jumps in her seat when she registers that the question is directed at her and there are seven pairs of eyes glancing in her direction.

 

Taeyeon keeps her eyes trained on her spoon, finding the utensil interesting all of a sudden.

 

“Ummm, nothing much. Just doing a bit of sketching and designing for my summer collection,” Jessica says.

 

“Tae does a bit of sketching too,” Tiffany teases, playfully winking in their direction.

 

Taeyeon tries to kick her leg underneath the table but she miscalculates and it’s Yuri who is sent into pain, dropping her spoon onto the table out of surprise. She sends Yuri an apologetic look before flashing a glare at Tiffany who silently laughs behind her hands on the other side of the table.

 

“You’re incorrigible,” Taeyeon mutters under her breath.

 

From the corner of her eyes, she perceives a slight upturn of the corners of Jessica’s lips before they settle back to their default state.

 

The group resume their dinner in silence, with occasional chatter and bickering from Hyoyeon and Seohyun, who whines when the older woman deliberately takes the rest of the kimchi from the dish.

 

 

 

The girls decide that since their schedule for the next day isn’t so busy, they should stay up and watch the latest drama on television. The leader opts out of the session, citing that she wants to rest early.

 

Taeyeon’s about to turn in for the night when fingers curl themselves around her wrist and she’s forced to face the person standing behind her.

 

“Taeyeon, can I talk to you?”

 

The older woman can feel herself saying ‘no’ but she takes one look at Jessica’s broken face (she’s astonished that the younger woman has removed her sunglasses) and nods her head. The younger woman unexpectedly doesn’t let go of her hold on the leader and pulls her into her bedroom.

 

Taeyeon notes that Jessica’s room is exactly how she remembers it; the blankets aren’t made and there are some clothes and boots lying around on the floor. Papers are scattered all over the bed and Jessica’s phone is located on the side table beside the lamp that dimly lits the room. Realising the environment the leader is exposed to, Jessica bows her head and hurriedly collects her belongings off the floor, throwing her used clothes into the laundry hamper and her boots underneath the bed. She collects the sheets of paper and places them on a neat pile on her desk.

 

“I’m sorry for the state of my room,” She meekly mumbles.

 

She places her remaining items lying around to the side and pulls out the chair for Taeyeon to sit on. When she registers that the older woman doesn’t intend on sitting down and would rather stand with her arms crossed in front of her, she settles back onto the end of her mattress and rubs her arms up and down. The silence envelopes the both of them and wraps around their bodies like a cold winter breeze. Realising that Jessica isn’t going to start the conversation despite seeking to talk to her, Taeyeon decides to break the silence.

 

“You wanted to talk to me about something?” She reminds the younger woman, who jolts upright when the older woman initiates the conversation.

 

“I…yes. I do. I’m just finding it a little hard to put my thoughts into words,” Jessica reveals honestly, scratching the back of her head and focusing her gaze on the ground.

 

Taeyeon releases a strangled laugh and internally winces at the sound she makes.

 

It doesn’t even sound like her own laugh.

 

“Whilst you think of how you want to communicate your message to me, I want to ask you about something,” She says. Jessica raises her head and nods to indicate for her to continue.

 

“You didn’t eat last night. Why?”

 

“I – that’s not important. Taeyeon, I –”

 

“You’re telling me to eat when you don’t even follow your own words. What a ing hypocrite,” Taeyeon says, closing her eyes and rubbing her temple. When she opens them, she’s faced with a shocked Jessica whose own eyes widen at the profanity coming from the older woman’s mouth. Realising that she’s unintentionally released her anger and frustrations on the younger woman, Taeyeon sighs and apologises.

 

Jessica sadly shakes her head.

 

“You’re right. I don’t stick to my own words and running back here only further proves that I speak but don’t take things into action. But I don’t want to talk about that right now,” She says, standing up and stepping forwards until there’s a metre’s distance between her and her former leader. Taeyeon’s about to open in protest when she comprehends the determination and confidence on Jessica’s face in voicing her thoughts and she closes .

 

“You asked me why I’m staying here temporarily when I said I wouldn’t come back. You’re also aware of the fact that I ran away from my family, who are mad at me, and Tyler, and that I could hide anywhere but I chose to come back here.”

 

Taeyeon doesn’t say anything but stares back into the dark brown orbs in front of her.

 

Jessica closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to compose herself. When she opens her eyes and fixates her gaze on Taeyeon, the older woman notices the seriousness in her eyes.

 

What she doesn’t expect is the next sentence to come out of the younger woman’s mouth.

 

“Tyler cheated on me for another woman.”

 

 

 

 

---

Edited: 21/06/20