Taeyeon’s tired.

 

The girls have been practising for their long awaited comeback to be released in time for their tenth anniversary. It’s a release that they’ve all been anticipating but dreading at the same time, and they can’t resist the temptation to read comments on news articles relating to them and the upcoming release. It’s a torture that they’ve become accustomed to; sitting there reading through the negative comments whilst others beg for the return of Jessica Jung, even though she’s been removed from the group for more than two years now, effective immediately.

 

The anti-fans describe it more cruelly to suit the narrative that Jessica’s constructed; that she was kicked out by the remaining eight members.

 

It doesn’t lessen the pain in their hearts.

 

She and the girls wave off Sooyoung who has decided to go on a date with her boyfriend; she animatedly told them that they hadn’t seen each other for a while and could only make time now to meet up with each other. The remaining members disperse into their respective rooms except Taeyeon, who flops onto the couch as soon as they enter the dorms. Sunny comments over her back how Taeyeon really is like paper, only to comically dash into her room when the leader raises her head and playfully glares at her.

 

Taeyeon’s just about to close her eyes and take a nap when the doorbell rings. Strange, she thinks, as she glances up at the wall to look at the security camera screen. The figure in front of the camera looks like –

 

“Jung Sooyeon?” Taeyeon sputters, falling off the couch and sitting upright. She’s so sure that Jessica declared that she would never step foot back into the dorm despite the protests from all the members. She rubs her eyes, thinking she’s lacking sleep and needs a nap (she’s running on four hours of sleep) but when the figure presses the doorbell again and anxiously glances upwards at the camera, her eyes widen and she struggles to get to her feet.

 

Her hand hovers in the air as she hesitates to speak through the microphone, but Taeyeon presses down on the intercom underneath the security camera screen and hopes the woman doesn’t recognise her voice.

 

“Hello?”

 

Taeyeon loathes how her voice sounds both gentle and coarse at the same time, as though she hasn’t spoken for a long time.

 

She sounds like a complete stranger.

 

“Taeyeon? Is that you? Can you please let me in?” Jessica’s voice comes through the speakers, urgent with need. Taeyeon’s still shocked beyond belief that Jessica’s in front of their dorm and even more astonished that she recognises her voice, but she isn’t a rude person to keep someone waiting. She presses the button that unlocks the door and Jessica steps inside the dorm, sunglasses and phone in one hand whilst the other pulls a suitcase behind her.

 

“What are you doing here?” Taeyeon asks, watching as the woman places her suitcase beside the couch and her phone and sunglasses in her pockets.

 

“Before I answer your question, is it okay if I have something to drink? I kind of rushed over here and I forgot to bring a bottle of water with me,” She requests, running a weary but well-manicured hand through her hair.

 

Taeyeon sighs and goes into the kitchen, only to return with a ceramic mug in her hands.

 

“What are you doing here?” Taeyeon repeats, handing over the cup of hot tea to the woman. Jessica doesn’t drink the liquid but holds the cup between her two hands as she settles onto the couch. Taeyeon notes that Jessica’s attire is very casual and it appears as though she dressed in a hurry. Her hair is no longer blonde but brown, like when she used to – no. Taeyeon reminds herself that she shouldn’t think of the past. Past Taeyeon was a stupid Taeyeon and only made mistakes that she’s burned too deep and far into her heart and mind for her to remember.

 

“Your place is the safest place to stay at right now,” Jessica answers.

 

“What on earth are you talking about?”

 

“I’m staying here Taeyeon. I’ll be living here temporarily.”

 

“What?”

 

Taeyeon’s outburst is so loud that Tiffany ends up poking her head out of her room, her phone in her hand and a confused look on her face. Taeyeon notes that Tiffany seems to be in the process of removing her make-up because half of her face seems to be clear of foundation.

 

“Is something wrong Taetae?”

 

“Tiff, is that you?” Jessica says upon recognising the woman’s voice, turning her body around to face her. Tiffany gives her a look of surprise before it settles into an eye-smile and she steps out of her bedroom.

 

“Jessi! You’re here!” She says, rushing forwards and embracing the woman. Taeyeon an eyebrow at the events unfolding before her; something is a bit fishy here.

 

“I don’t understand. Why can’t you stay at your parent’s place? Soojung’s?” Taeyeon asks, unconsciously referring to Jessica’s sister by her Korean name. However, she’s ignored by the other two women as they release themselves from the hug. She’s about to open to repeat her question when Jessica turns to face her. The intensity of Jessica’s eyes softens and Taeyeon looks away to avoid the woman’s gaze. It’s been too long since she last looked into her eyes and she doesn’t want to drown in them and fall deeper than she already has.

 

“They’re all…they’re all mad at me.”

 

Jessica falters, as if she didn’t want to disclose such information.

 

“What about Minyoung-Unnie? Or your boyfriend, Tyler?” Taeyeon says.

 

She’s surprised when Jessica tenses at the mention of her boyfriend and Taeyeon realises that she’s mentioned him in a rather sardonic manner.

 

“Sorry,” She mumbles, rubbing her arms up and down whilst looking at the floor.

 

“It’s okay; Minyoung-Unnie isn’t in Korea at the moment. As for Tyler…we’re currently not on good terms so I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to stay at his place,” Jessica meekly answers. Taeyeon notes how the woman carefully chooses her words to avoid talking about something she doesn’t want to discuss, like she always does with her interviews with the press. She internally shakes her head at how well she knows and can read the other woman.

 

Tiffany switches her gaze between the two women and quickly catches onto the dilemma. Her eyes brighten as she remembers a suggestion she had proposed in her head. She takes the opportunity to speak before Taeyeon can counter Jessica’s statement.

 

“Well, your old room is still here so you can stay here for as long as you’d like,” Tiffany proposes. Taeyeon shoots her a look that clearly projects “what are you doing?” but she ignores the woman. Instead, Tiffany offers to show Jessica her room and even helps her carry her suitcase. Jessica turns back to face Taeyeon to seek confirmation for her to stay but Tiffany hastily drags her along the hallway and away from the living room.

 

Taeyeon stares in disbelief after the two and decides that as soon as Tiffany exits the bedroom, she’s going to interrogate her group member.

 

 

 

It’s a few moments later when Tiffany reappears in the living room and Taeyeon tightly clutches onto her arm. Tiffany winces at the leader’s vice-like grip but one look at Taeyeon’s eyes of desperation makes her own eyes soften in response.

 

“What the hell was that Hwang Miyoung?”

 

“Taetae! I thought we agreed to never call me that?” Tiffany complains, shooting Taeyeon a pout. The older woman remains unfazed but loosens her hold on the other person’s arm.

 

“Firstly, don’t change the subject. Secondly, why did you do that? You know that she –”

 

“Taetae, whatever issue there is between you and Jessi shouldn’t affect the rest of us girls. Also, we did promise that we’d always stick out for each other and Jessi really needs our help right now. I know you’re going to argue that she did tell us she wasn’t going to come back, but this is honestly the best place for her to stay. No one is going to suspect her of staying here.”

 

“But why is she –”

 

“There’s some problems going on in Jessi’s life, she needs a place to stay and her room has always been available for her. Anyways, even though you guys didn’t have a good relationship, please consider her as a friend since that’s what you guys were in the first place before being placed into the same group,” She says, patting her friend’s arm so that Taeyeon can release her. The leader removes her arm and watches as the younger woman enters the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water, settling onto a stool as she scrolls through the content on her phone. Taeyeon stands at the entrance of the kitchen and processes Tiffany’s words until she remembers something interesting about Jessica’s appearance.

 

“Fany, you seem really excited that Jessica is here; like you expected her to arrive,” Taeyeon says.

 

Tiffany looks up from the device in her hands and flashes her a sheepish smile.

 

“Okay, so I may have offered her a place to stay before she came but we’re all friends right?”

 

“Hwang Miyoung!”

 

 

 

Taeyeon instantly feels backstabbed when none of the other members are surprised with Jessica’s appearance at the dorm. In fact, they greet her with open arms.

 

“Yoongie, you can stop with the annoying aegyo,” Taeyeon remarks, lightly flicking the woman’s head as she snuggles up to Jessica at the kitchen table.

 

“But I miss Sica-Unnie,” the younger woman annoyingly replies in that cute whiny voice of hers that all the members excluding Taeyeon despise, sticking out her tongue at the leader. Taeyeon shakes her head in response and continues to help Hyoyeon and Yuri bring the dishes to the table. When it comes to distributing the utensils around the table, she takes a second too long in placing a pair of chopsticks and a spoon in front of her ex-member and diverts her attention away from the woman’s piercing eyes.

 

She fails to see Jessica’s eyes tearing up at the gesture.

 

As the girls, sans Sooyoung, settle into their seats, Taeyeon notices how they discreetly leave a seat beside Jessica for her to sit at. Conveniently, she is the last person to arrive at the table and she glares at Tiffany straight away, who is conveniently sitting in her usual seat.

 

“Fany, why are you in my seat?” Taeyeon says, refusing to sit in the remaining empty chair and instead standing beside the table.

 

Tiffany just smirks at her.

 

“What are you talking about Taetae? That’s your chair beside Jessi,” She says, cocking her head to the side and arching her eyebrows as if challenging Taeyeon to argue back at her. The older woman opens to protest when she notices the unmistakable tiny scrawl on the chair that she had made when she was eighteen and stressed over their activities.

 

“You deliberately moved my chair!” She says, crossing her arms in front of her like a child. Tiffany just clucks her tongue and shakes her head in amusement.

 

“Taetae, we’re all hungry and won’t start eating until you sit. So sit down,” She says, nodding towards the empty chair.

 

Taeyeon grumbles but doesn’t object, and purposefully scrapes her chair across the floor as she sits down next to her former member. Jessica glances over at her but before she can open to speak Taeyeon interrupts her.

 

“Let’s just eat,” She announces to the group, and they silently dig into the food in front of them. Seohyun nudges Sunny and Yuri, who both proceed to nudge Tiffany and Hyoyeon. Tiffany knocks her elbow to Yoona’s, and the girls watch as Jessica and Taeyeon remain focused on consuming their food instead of engaging in a conversation.

 

The silence is killing them.

 

Taeyeon internally groans when she and Jessica reach for the same piece of meat and Taeyeon lets go of the piece of meat before the other woman can retract her own chopsticks.

 

“You can have it,” She mumbles, quickly gobbling the remaining food in her bowl. She pushes her chair away and stands up.

 

“Tae? You only ate a small bowl of rice, a piece of meat and some vegetables,” Sunny says, concern laced in her voice. Their leader isn’t eating a lot these days and it’s frightening the girls how emaciated Taeyeon is.

 

“Sunny’s right Tae; you should eat more. Sooyoung isn’t here with us tonight so there’s a bit more food leftover,” Hyoyeon comments.

 

Taeyeon shakes her head; she just wants to leave the stifling atmosphere.

 

“I’m not hungry,” She says, making her way to deposit the bowl and utensils in the sink for wash up. She just misses Jessica’s look of guilt as she stares at Taeyeon’s back and doesn’t continue to eat even after Taeyeon leaves the room.

 

 

 

Taeyeon doesn’t expect Yuri to come after her but the younger member latches onto her arm and pulls her into the living room to talk.

 

“Is everything okay Taeng?” She asks, her eyebrows furrowed together as she scans the leader’s expression.

 

Taeyeon gives her a weak smile.

 

“I’m fine,” She says as her default response and when Yuri raises her eyebrows, Taeyeon laughs.

 

“Really Yul, I’m fine. I’m just tired from today’s activities,” She replies honestly, revealing a portion of her thoughts. Yuri grasps her arms and brings her into her embrace. They remain in that position for a few seconds with Taeyeon patting her back before the younger woman releases the leader.

 

“Taeng, we’re here for you so you can always lean on our shoulders,” Yuri reassures, brushing away a loose strand of hair on Taeyeon’s face. When the older woman gives her a smile and nods, she pinches the leader’s cheeks and sends her off to rest before returning to the dining room to finish off her dinner.

 

Just before she re-enters the dining room, Yuri stops and turns back to watch Taeyeon close her eyes for a few moments and mutter some words under her breath before she makes her way to the couch.

 

It only increases the worry in her heart and when she later relays this information to Tiffany, the woman shoots her a look of anxiety and fear.

 

 

 

Taeyeon resumes her rest on the couch and struggles to keep her eyes open. She’s too lazy to turn off the lights in the room, so in her hazy vision she makes out a figure approaching and dropping to their knees beside her. She feels strands of hair tickling her arms before hands clasp her own and bring them to the person’s lips. She’s about to fully open her eyes when a familiar voice makes her shut them closed and she tries not to fidget and blow her cover.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Jessica whispers, pressing her forehead onto Taeyeon’s right arm. She remains in that position for about ten seconds (Taeyeon silently counts in her mind) before lifting her head and studying the features she’s missed over the past two years. It’s been too long since Jessica’s last seen Taeyeon and she terribly misses the other woman and her touch. Her gaze moves from Taeyeon’s eyebrows to her eyes and she frowns when she can see through Taeyeon’s makeup and take in the eye bags which have worsened over the years. Her eyes linger down to her button nose before falling onto the slightly open mouth and Taeyeon’s unconsciously protruding lips, and Jessica resists the urge to seal the lips closed.

 

She places her lips on Taeyeon’s forehead for a few seconds before removing herself. Jessica caresses Taeyeon’s cheeks and furrows her eyebrows when she notices how awfully skinny and wan the older woman looks. She knows Taeyeon’s lost a lot of weight over the years but to see the woman in front of her in person makes her feel incredibly guilty that a part of that weight loss can be attributed to the consequences of her actions. She tries to blink the tears away and doesn’t notice when a droplet falls onto Taeyeon’s neck and moves underneath her shirt.

 

Jessica wraps her arms around Taeyeon and nestles her head into Taeyeon’s neck as she lays there with her former leader.

 

 

 

When the girls finally finish their dinner and return to their bedrooms, they pass by the living room on the way. Seohyun and Yoona try to stifle the squeals from their mouths when they notice the two figures lumped together on the furniture. Sunny and Hyoyeon fetch some spare blankets in a storage closet, and Tiffany and Yuri watch as the two bodies rise and fall together before switching off the lights and allowing the darkness to embrace the room.

 

Despite their initial anger and frustration at Jessica’s behaviour, they only hope that the relationship between the two eldest women will improve over Jessica’s stay at the dorms.

 

 

 

Jessica wakes up some time in the middle of the night and she notices how some blankets are tightly wrapped around her and Taeyeon’s frame. She also registers how the only source of light she can see originates from the hall lamp which dimly lights the corridor in case someone leaves their room to enter the bathroom or the kitchen.

 

She turns back to face Taeyeon and feels her heart beating faster when the light beautifully illuminates her serene facial expression as she sleeps. She really wants to stay with Taeyeon, but her mind reminds her that she doesn’t deserve the woman sleeping beside her. Taeyeon’s behaviour towards her definitely proves that she’s unworthy of her attention, let alone her love.

 

Jessica lifts a hand to caress the woman’s face and falters. She’s scared to wake up the other woman.

 

Little does she know Taeyeon’s actually awake but keeping her eyes closed. She knows that Jessica’s also awake but she doesn’t want to face her right now. She hears the woman sigh in a dejected manner and feels arms being removed from her waist.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Jessica repeats what she said earlier, pressing another kiss onto Taeyeon’s forehead and reluctantly extricating herself from Taeyeon. She wraps the blankets around Taeyeon’s thin figure and stands beside her body to engrave the image of a peaceful Taeyeon in her mind. She unwillingly moves away. Just before she turns the corner, Jessica takes another wistful glance at Taeyeon and leaves the living room for her old bedroom.

 

Taeyeon waits ten seconds after she hears Jessica’s door close before she opens her eyes. She’s not sure what the other woman is apologising for, but she doesn’t want to believe in false hope. She’s fallen too many times for the same lies and it’s only going to break her over and over again. It’s a lesson she hasn’t learnt; a drug she’s been addicted to and cannot stop being attached to.

 

She’s only staying temporarily, Taeyeon reminds herself.

 

It only worsens the pain in her chest, but specifically her heart.

 

 

 

 

---

A/N: Angst Taengsic is proving difficult for me to write because I’m a Taengsic fluff endorser, as noted in my recent one-shots.

 

Edited: 6/06/20