He couldn’t take it anymore.

He couldn’t take the constant lying between the two, the constant maybe’s and never’s. His heart racing to only fall numb on the concrete pavement at a venue that was surrounded by people, all except the person who promised to be there for him. Couldn’t take the tears in her eyes when he showed up several hours late to her very important dinner with her mother. He was certain, she was going to leave him.

What if?

What if, she grew just as tired as he and couldn’t stand it anymore? What if she found someone who could fully captivate her attention, and give her the hours that she demanded, no, that she deserved. What if, she found someone who could satisfy her on those lonely nights that she spent waiting on him to come home, only to find him missing in the morning? What if, she didn’t love him anymore?

“Hyung, we’re on in five” he didn’t even have time for his own thoughts, let alone hers, how could he possibly hope that she was still happy in the relationship?

What if?

What if he went home one night and she wasn’t there? Several long and anticipated years tackled down to only a few number of boxes that claimed to be their life together. What if he went home and she was there, but with another man. Would he be proud that she finally got rid of the baggage she claimed to love, or would he end up arrested for killing a man? What if he saw her tonight at the concert? Would he be happy to see her, or would he feel bad for taking more of her time away from her by dragging her towards his own career?

What if?

What if he didn’t deserve to have her being loyal to him while he was sitting at a bar getting drunk and she was at home probably listening to his music? The several missed calls staring at him from a digital device, the time zones being so different that she would be asleep by now even should he wish to call her back. He thought about trying but seeing that it was three in the morning at home, he knew better than to wake her, considering she worked just as much.

He couldn’t take it anymore…

“I’m going home” he spoke into the room, grabbing his passport and his suitcase, not giving the others time to argue his logic, or perhaps they were aware of his depressed state that they didn’t even bother arguing it. It was all trivial, it mattered not, he needed to go home and lose his doubt. He needed to go home and answer every single what if that ran through his mind.

What if…?

“Jagi, I’m home” he whispered into the dark living room, not surprised when no answer was given but instead he was greeted by a black cat, his hand reaching out to pet the unknown feline. She obviously been keeping herself busy. “Babe?” He questioned as he made his way through the kitchen, noting the two glasses of wine that sat on the counter, his heart sinking into his chest. Why were there two? They lived alone.

“Ji?” Her voice echoed through the darkness of the kitchen, his eyes falling towards the girl he longed to see, alarmed when her arms wrapped around his shoulders and he was forced into an unbearable embrace. “God, I missed you” she whispered into his neck, his nose burying itself within the crook of her neck.

“I missed you too Jagiya, so much” he whispered back, yet his eyes were still locked on the two glasses, noting she was wearing very skimpy looking pajama’s and her breath was laced with the scent of alcohol. “Are you cheating on me?” The question made her body tense as she pulled away from him, her eyes searching for his own within the darkness, a questioning feature on her face as though pondering if he was being serious or not. “Are you?”

“No Ji, I’m not” she whispered harshly.

What if?

What if he never asked her that question, never accused her of cheating on him while he had been away and instead greeted her with all the love he felt? Would she still be laying in the cold bed beside him? Would her hand still be pinned onto his chest as her hair tickled at his chin, coaxing him to lean in closer? Would her scent still be strong within the house, opposed to the lingering decay of leftover food from takeout sitting on the table?

What if?

What if he begged her to stay and apologized for his rude behavior, opposed to being angry and shouting at her to leave? Would he still feel this emptiness within the pit of his stomach, or would he be feeling the warmth of her kisses around his neck and on his lips? Would he be sitting at the bar alone tonight?

Then it finally dawned on him, in the middle of a crowded bar and a mind that was far to drunk for his own good, that he couldn’t control these things. He couldn’t control his future, he could only instead focus on the present which was something he was never truly good at doing. He realized a long time ago that it was his fault for her leaving him, and that if he only spent the time he had with her, she’d be sitting beside him, slumped onto his shoulder for she drank much more than he.

Not thinking clearly, he stumbled up her the stairs of her new apartment, nearly falling dozen of times while trying to climb the narrow path. He was determined however, the number of her apartment etched into his brain as though it were the most important thing. He never been to it, but judging from the loud neighbors, he could assume that it wasn’t an ideal place to live.

“Jagi” he whispered against the door, his knuckles bruising from how hard he was knocking, ignoring the blood that stained his flesh a crimson hue. “I’m so sorry baby” he sniffled, wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve, unable to control the tears that continued to stream down his face. “I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you enough… I’m sorry that I drove you away from me. Please come back” he whined in between sobs, getting frustrated when the door wasn’t budging an inch.

“Jiyong, are you drunk?” Her voice made his body tense, confused as to how he could hear her and yet the door wasn’t opened, his eyes widening as they stared harshly at the wooden material.

“Of course I am, you left me…” he whined softly, the door painfully aware that it wasn’t going to open despite how much he pleaded, for he had been here for several long minutes. “Please open the door so that we can talk…”

“I can’t, there’s someone knelling in front of it making it impossible for me to unlock it” she responded harshly which made him nod before backing up a few steps, alarmed when she was at his side instead and unlocking the door, his eyes falling upon her instantly.

‘Where was she?’ He pondered silently, noting that her hair was impressively pinned up and her makeup was on point, looking like a Barbie coming out of the box. She always looked beautiful, but he found her most beautiful when she was wearing his shirt and no makeup, cuddled up in his blankets and sprawled out on the bed. That’s when she looked the most beautiful.

“I miss you” he spoke instead of the thoughts that crept in his head, what he should have said when coming home after tour, her eyes falling towards him.

“Are you bleeding?” Her eyes widened when seeing the blood on his hand and then on the door, indicating how the injuries were inflicted. “You crazy boy, you could have just called me, I was always here for you” she whispered, taking his bloodied knuckles and giving them soft kisses.

“I know that now” he whispered, wishing those lips were on his own instead “I’ll never forget it…”