La Douleur Exquise Chapter 5  

Song for this chapter// Wish by Urban Zapaka

“I long and long for you

Closing my damp eyes

Thoughts of you keep occuring” ~ wish

SoHyun~

“Yes?”  I turned around, taking in the pleasing sight of the man I was trying to avoid. For a second, I found myself admiring his tall height and impeccable dressing. His black turtleneck only highlighted his defined jaw, while his tailored pinstripe navy suit fit him perfectly. He looked like he could be the owner of this entire place. But then my heart felt heavy, recalling the memories of the man that merely resembled him.

“Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” He was surprisingly earnest as his eyes shifted, observing me. Lifting my eyes up from his designer leather shoes, I stared right at him out of my desires to see him. I wasn’t seeing the man before me, but the man I loved.

“Whether or not I answer specific calls is my own volition.” I tossed the statement, fully knowing that he wouldn’t be able to even utter a retort. However, he managed to reply almost rendering me speechless.

“I want to know you,” I tried my best to hide it. “I want to know everything about you.” My heart fluttered like the pretty white butterfly that I would occasionally see roaming around. He wasn’t flirting with me, but his declaration was everything I wanted to hear. There was a perpetual craving of mine to meet someone who will want to know everything about me. I wanted someone curious about me the way I was curious about him. I wanted him to know what makes my soul ache and what makes me cry tears of bliss. And I wanted to know him in return.

Despite my fervent yearning to be close to him in order to appease my longing, I knew that it would be disrespectful to mistreat his genuine and precious feelings towards me. Words carry the power to uplift or shatter a heart. Today, I armed myself with pernicious words that instilled shame within me for even verbalizing it. If I hurt him, then he wouldn’t bother to even look for me again. It would be good for the both of us to not see each other.

“Sorry. I’m not interested in entitled men, who spend their time sleeping with countless women and flaunting their wealth when they didn’t even earn it themselves.” I fired, expecting him to bleed as I walked away. But he didn’t.

“This is our third time meeting. Like you said, then it would be fate.”

“Fate?” I whispered to myself as he caused me to stop in my tracks. Then it would be fate. He remembered my words for verbatim.

“Yes,” The handsome man approached me, stopping one shoe-sized distance before me. “Let me persuade you. Go on three dates with me and then if you really have no interest in me, then we’ll return to being strangers.” His proposal was sound, convincing me but most of all I couldn’t resist.

“Okay.” My grip loosened out of nervousness, causing my phone to fall onto the marble floor. He swiftly knelt down, not bothered about soiling his tailored suit to pick it up for me.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Yoo DeokHwa, your Highness.” We locked eyes and I almost laughed. If only he knew. I was a queen in my previous life. Staring down at him due to my high stance, I couldn’t help but recall the memories of that man who incessantly knelt before me due to his role as my servant. He was never a mere servant in my eyes. He was the man I loved.

“Kim SoHyun.” I told him, offering him a hand to help him up from the ground just as I always longed to do. Lifting him up, I let go once we stood eye to eye on equal footing. If only I could meet him again. If I could, we would be free to love as equals and not restrained by societal hierarchies. Yoo DeokHwa, I wished you were the man from my memory.

Perching my tired body against the railing of the crowded bus, I looked straight ahead with no particular thought with my earbuds in when thoughts of him kept invading my mind. I didn’t know his previous name, but at least I knew his present name. Yoo DeokHwa. How unique. It was definitely a name that would be difficult to forget. As if I would ever forget him. I remembered him and I will always remember him. Yoo DeokHwa. 

“DeokHwa…” I muttered to myself, taking out my phone to save his contact information if I ever felt like calling him first although I didn’t plan on it.  

This entire situation was an irregularity to me. I never once hesitated to express my feelings. Since I could remember, I never feared rejection and courageously confessed my affection to boys at school. However, fear trumped my courage this time. If DeokHwa wasn’t so persuasive towards me, I would have never even thought about approaching him. I was originally going to avoid him at all costs in the attempts to salvage my intrinsically imaginative mind, but fate had other plans. 

Fate.