Chapter 4

Song for this chapter// A Poem Called You by Taeyeon

“Every time I come up with a poem titled You

I want to memorize it so I can remember you”

SoHyun~

No one could know. If any word got out then I would be killed. But I believed in my heart that loving someone was not a sin. It just so happened to be that I didn’t love my husband. The flames engulfed the white pieces of paper. The black charred edges advancing until the words written on the page disappeared into ashes. The ink didn’t even have enough time to dry as the flames reduced them to nothing, for every single word or thought I wrote had to be burned. It was the only way to get rid of the evidence: evidence that I loved another man. And that man was not the King.

He always encouraged me to write and snuck in novels from the bookstore into my chambers late at night. I believed that he was endowed by the heavens with such an endearing disposition despite his low rank as a servant. Confucian philosophy says that those who do heaven’s honest work will be repaid. In the next life he will be repaid for his diligence with bountifulness.

My eyes fluttered open to the sight of my hand on the thick sheets of my bed. I laid still, recounting the insanely vivid dream I had. No. This was a memory. It was another memory! Grabbing a pen and my notebook off the desk, I began to jot down the dream. The pages were filled with scribbles of dreams or recollections I had about my past life with the dates recorded. Writing down today’s date in the top right-hand corner, I began to jot down everything I remembered. Burning pages, intense love, forbidden love? The emotions the dream carried were too intense as if they were a raging fire about to burn down this very room.

All I knew was that I needed to get out. After getting dressed, I hurriedly shoved my pen, notebook, keys, and ear buds into my bucket bag before locking the door after me. With no destination in mind, I ambled through the streets with my long floral skirt swaying with the wind. The laces of my leather combat boots dangled as I crossed my legs on a park bench. The winter breeze felt cooling as my oversized sweater kept me warm. Exhaling, I tried to gather my darting thoughts. They kept jumping all over the place. Writing was the only way I could bring order to the chaos of my mind.

Love. The pen fell into my palm as my fingers went limp. As the wind ruffled the pages of my tattered notebook, I took a deep breath. Okay. I loved someone. That was a fact. That was the truth. It was simple. Aside from the dreams and emotions, I couldn’t allow myself to be idle anymore. I had plenty of time to decide what to do from now. I almost died. I wasted five years of my precious life inert in a coma. I didn’t want to waste any more time. With the precious time I was given, I was going to achieve my sole aspiration. I was going to become an author. Gone was the time where I would light-heartedly brainstorm publishing ideas with my friends. Now was the time to actually work toward publishing my stories. All I needed to do was write. I couldn’t bother to attend university lectures and waste time finishing assignments when I should be working on my writings. I would utilize these deep emotions, experiences, and hurt to create my literary masterpieces. I will do that.

My mind felt clearer once I made a decision about my future. I closed my notebook and stood up from the bench, strolling through the park with content. The time on my phone told me that it was late afternoon. The days were going by so quickly lately. I was so used to waking up early for school, but ever since I woke up from my coma my sleep schedules was all over the place. I couldn’t fall asleep at night, so I overslept until noon.

Everything is going to be okay. I squinted at the dazzling sun against the pale hue of blue and the picturesque evergreen trees. What a beautiful day it is. I raised my hand, spreading my fingers slightly apart and allowing the sunlight peek through. With my hand up in the air, I waved to the sky. Hello Sky. I am alive. Because I was alive I was able to feel the warmth of the sun on my hand and see the lush trees that lined the park’s pathway. This was my fresh start.

At the thought, I went into my contacts and deleted the number that the man gave me. The one nightstand was merely a dalliance where I was consumed by lust and a need for a distraction. It would be immoral for me to approach him only because he resembled the man I loved. I would be fooling him. It would be distorting the genuineness of love. Also it would never work out just like how it didn’t work out with KyungSoo. I would never see the man again, so there was no point in having his number.

“I don’t want to go to college. I always thought that I needed to get a college degree and intern at publishing places before I could actually become an author. I don’t want to waste anymore time. I want my work to be published someday and I’m going to make that happen. I’ll look for part time jobs to support myself as I write. I also would like to get a place of my own. That’s what I want to do.” I ann