He looked so beautiful while waiting for me down the aisle. His black tuxedo was a perfect contrast to his pure and innocent smile. The smile that must have kept all the beautiful warmths in the world. It was radiant. It was kind. It was comforting. It was perfect.

His big brown eyes were only looking at me, melting my every being, piercing through my soul as if it can see through every parts of me. As I got closer and closer, a slow melody started playing. The song was bittersweet, it was beautiful and yet it rang so sorrowfully in my head. Everything was a blur. I was drawn by his presence like a potion that kept pulling me in until I drown in my own thoughts.

When I was finally in front of him, my world started crumbling. I felt like I was floating down into nothingness. How ironic I thought. How emptiness can be so heavy, how the void felt so suffocating. I needed to move forward but my feet were suddenly glued to the ground as if hands were pulling me in retaliation. Then I saw him offering his arm for me to hold. I held on to it dearly. He is my strength. He was my lifeline. His warmth melted my heart like water turning into vapor, slowly disappearing into thin air.   

We continued walking down the aisle, I felt people staring at me, their smile so fake that it almost made me throw up. But what can I do, I am one of them; wearing a pretentious smile, a hypocrite hiding behind a mask, fooling everyone around with a shallow show of curved lips. I wanted to turn back and run away with him; to run away together with our hopes and dreams, with our broken promises and tainted memories. But I can’t. I mustn’t.

As I got to the altar, I looked at him once more. I gave him my last truthful smile. “Thank you Hongbin-ah” were the only words that came out of my mouth. But there were so much more to that. So much more that I wanted to say, so much more that I could have said. The feelings I always showed but was never put into words. I love you Hongbin. It’s always been you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. My heart kept shouting. It was so defining. It felt too terrifying, I was about to cry, ready to throw away everything but then I saw him smile. It was his last parting gift. It was the silent goodbye to all the ifs and what could have beens. It was the perfect ending to the story of what should have been us.

I held back the tears. And slowly let go of his arm. I stood straight in front of the man I was about to marry.

I was about to deliver the wedding vow I didn’t write but perfectly memorized down to every last words. The reality sinking in as I buried my heart with it.