He’s gone.

No phone call, no text message, not even a goodbye.

I walked home one day to see a person that meant more than the world to me wallowing in a puddle of his own blood, a gun that I didn’t even know he owned lying discarded next to him.

The sleeve of his stained shirt was slightly frayed and I saw it all.

All of the pain he’d inflicted on himself, all of the nightmares he’d been having, all the despair he’d been drowning in.

My vision blurred as I dropped to my knees, gathering his cold body into my embrace. Tear stains were still visible on his pale face just like the scars from the car accident two years ago that never faded. His head was rested on my shoulder but I couldn’t feel his hot breath tickling my neck or his chest contracting against mine. I couldn’t feel the heartbeat that provided me with more security than I could admit.

I couldn’t feel the person I’d fallen in love with even though we were no more than an inch apart, because the person I loved would never stoop so low as to end his own life.

I tried to fight back the tears pooling in my eyes because he always hated it when I was sad, but I failed. Because I always failed.

But I wasn’t crying over sadness, because if he’d been suffering, then he was at least at ease right now.

I was crying because of regret that I didn’t even notice he was in pain, that I didn’t help him when he needed it the most.

I was crying over a slight sense of betrayal that despite us knowing each other for more than six  years, he didn’t trust me enough to confide me in his issues.

I was crying because I lost the love of my life to a car accident that physically didn’t kill him, but ripped him apart from the inside.

I should have told you.

But I didn’t because I was and still am a coward- afraid of your reaction, afraid of being rejected, and most all, afraid that my simple word would sever our peaceful relationship.

I should have told you when I could. But everything is too late now.

You succumbed to the hands of darkness and I am left with nothing but regret.

You always questioned me about why I never got a girlfriend and I was never able to give you a clear answer.

Now, I will give you the answer you should have gotten a long time ago.

You were the reason. You stole my heart five years ago when I heard you singing in the practice room. When my heart was in your hands the whole time, how could I give it to anyone else?

You never realized but I don’t blame you, after all, how would you?

Two years ago, when I saw you clinging onto the last thread of your life in the hospital after the dreadful car accident, I was crushed, I visited you everyday whilst you were in your coma and prayed to every single God that you would wake up as yourself again. And four days later, you did, but that dull look in your eyes never left.

I should have seen then that you were wearing a mask just so that we wouldn’t be worried.

I should have told you then that you mean more to me than I mean to myself.

I should have told you that I’ve fallen hopelessly for an angel without wings.

And I should have told you that you’re that angel without wings,

Kyuhyun