Y O O N G I

 

“Ah, Jungkook-ssi, if you can't hit the note right now, you can just use your head voice for now. Jimin and you are bit off?”

“Yes, Sorry.” He whispered as his voice kept on cracking. It was unusual for us to be like this, especially everyone was not in a mood to even practice. Even the leader. I want to write lyrics for the next album, but I don't have the mood to do it as well. The impact that gave was interfering our lives.

“Are you guys having a hard time?” Mentor Hyungjae asked. He's our vocal mentor. Still smiling, trying to ease the ambiance everyone has. “It's like, you saw another tweet that you all can't sing?” Everyone laughed and chuckled but Jungkook and I ain't. If I were in his shoes, I would be the same, but I just hope he was brushing off those not-so-personal problems during practice. If this continues, there might be a point when Chaewon and him fight. I won't be surprised if that happens. “You all know the difference of the male falsetto and the male head voice right? Those ignorant antis-.” Hyungjae sighed. Bet he would repeat this lecture once again. “If I force Jimin to do the full chest voice he might damage his vocal chords. Jimin's head voice and falsetto works the best perfectly. Jimin can hit A5 with those of Let me Know! Those antis don't know about vocal ranges, so don't stoop so low to satisfy them with full voice because we are not going to pacifying them.” ah, he's loud.

“Actually, hyung, this isn't about the hate. It's a bit...... personal.” Namjoon giggled forcefully as Hyungjae widened his eyes.

“Oh, I see..” Jungkook slightly bowed down, embarrassed of the outcome of the practice for this day. Everyone was silent. “Well, I guess we should call it for a day?”

“We'll be extending hours next time, perhaps.” I whispered as I raised my hand.

“Ah, it's okay, it's okay. You know, there would be a time when we're not in the mood to do these. Just promise me you'll do well on practice for tomorrow. Okay, okay, at least we rehearsed for two hours. That's enough. Dismiss!”

“Thank you!” Everyone stood up and bowed as he left the room. I arranged my bag, preparing to leave with the members. I want to end this day, I want to sleep. I'm tired. “Hey, Yoongi, sit down for a bit, before we leave, let us gather and settle this problem first.” Namjoon was the first one to approach us. Pulling Taehyung, who was one of the most affected by Hyemi. Together, we formed a circle. “We can't stay like this. You know it.” I want to end this day, I want to sleep.

 

Watching him and Taehyung not bright makes my heart clenched on its own. It was uncomfortable and strange. I feel their pain, but for it to ease, they need to let it out.

 

“Jungkook-ie. What you said... earlier,

 

was a lie, wasn't it?” Everyone flinched in shock to what I've said. I guess by being harsh to them makes them realize things. Jungkook glanced at my eyes that was thirsty for answers. I noticed everyone of them wasn't smiling. I guess I said the same thing their mind was uttering. I felt the tense of the current situation, but I didn't bother. “Tell me, those phrases you said, was just for fans to protect Chaewon as well, right? You haven't moved on yet, have you? Those feelings you have for Chaewon. I want to know.

 

What is it, really? What do you really want?” I might sound pissed, but they know it was my nature.

“Hyung, don't be mistaken. I love Chaewon.” Then explain for the members to hear.

“Stop lying.” Trying to test, I pushed him further. I want him to burst into tears, because that would make him stronger.

“I love Chaewon, but don't expect me to forget my feelings on Hyemi. It's not easy to forget. Especially now that she's coming back.”

Hoseok gasped. “Ya, Jungkook. Never play with Chaewon's feelings. She's--”

“I know! I know! Chaewon is way better than her, if I were to compare. Chaewon deserves all the love. I love her, I like her, but you see, don't expect me to act normal now that Hyemi appeared out of nowhere. The memories we had, everything, was awakened. I cried because I was confused. I don't know what to do or to feel. I'm happy that we met, but I'm also not, because of those things she did. I couldn't move earlier. Is it my fault? IS IT MY FAULT?” Beads of tears rolled down on his cheeks. Namjoon went near and hugged the maknae tight. “You're confused.” I whispered.

“I-I definitely am.”

“Make up your mind, because it doesn't suffice.”

“Ya, Yoongi.” Seokjin tapped my shoulder. “Take it easy.”

“I know hyung, I know it wasn't easy, but Jungkook please, consider what your mind is telling you to do.

Sometimes, what the heart says might be just the illusion of the reality.”

I neared Taehyung and Jungkook and hugged them as well. Tighter than I can imagine. I don't want to see them like this. Especially Jungkook. I don't want the youngest to suffer, but it can't be helped. Jungkook hasn't been with her for like two years, and seeing her in a sudden would be so shocking. Of course, the heart would scan the past memories they had and convert it into feelings, making you confused. The only way to fade it was on how you handle those illusions.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

C H A E W O N

 

I left footprints as I kept on running on the snow coated side of the street. Rushing as if someone was following me; noticing I was right on track, I kept on peeking my phone's Map just to be sure. Ten in evening and I was still outside? My grand mom would be mad for sure.

After moments of running, I finally came into halt. Shivers brought down from my nape down to my spine as I kept on forming fogs because of panting hard.
It was not the weather that brought me chills, it was because on how weird my body brought me here. I couldn't believe I'm going to this extent. She is my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. Yet, how on earth I was this concerned? Should I withdraw? No.

Grasping the letter tight, I walked inside.

The moonlight that was shining bright beneath the clouds was replaced by the white light bulbs on the white plain ceiling. The hospital wasn't crowded as I expected it to be. The employers were either wearing white laboratory gowns, white shirt and white pants, or those light blue ones. But the uniform was not what I went here for. “E-Excuse me.” My body felt tensed. Again, my social fear was indulging me. “Jung Hyemi? Is she here? Can I ask where is her room?” The front desk woman panicked and stopped tying her hair after seeing me. She smiled and bowed. I alarmingly bowed as well.

“Jung?”

“Jung Hyemi.”

“Okay, please wait a second.” She scanned through the computer to check for Hyemi's identification. “Yes, Jung Hyemi is here. Are you going for a visit?” Mother of ants, of course Ms. Obvious. “Y-yes.”
“I'll contact the nurse assigned if the patient allows you for a visit. Can I have your name? Or any identity?”

“You.. mean I can't barge into it without permission?”

“Yes, sorry. She wanted to limit the visitors. Perhaps, she doesn't want everyone to see her suffer. If you have message, then I can just relay it on her. Name please-”

“Ah no, it's pretty personal. I need to talk to her in person. My name, yes, Nam Chaewon, uh, --”
My work was pretty confidential. “Just say, I'm the girlfriend. Nam Chaewon, the girlfriend.” The women behind the one I'm talking to, heard what I said and exchanged odd glances. They were probably thinking that I'm her girlfriend. “It's not meant that way. I'm not a lesbian or such, it's just a code...” I gave a weak and forced laugh.

“Alright, ma'am. She wants you to come. Room 110. 3^rd floor.”

“Thank you.” For the last time, I rushed after I heard those.

I took an elevator, and walked straight to find the room. The hallways weren't crowded that much, but you can see nurses and doctors going back and forth checking their patients. I don't know why, but I feel comfortable every time I stroll inside the hospital. No, I don't want to be sick. I just feel ease whenever I'm walking at these hallways. Everything was white and sterile, adding the cold breeze of air condition, I feel oddly loosed.

It was just a minute when I finally found the room I was looking for. Hesitating if I should knock first or just barge straight inside, I took a deep breath. My knees were trembling and I couldn't calm myself. Darn it, Chaewon, it's still her. “Hello. How are you?” I tried to practice my speech. “I've read your letter-- no, no, no.

 

GOSH, whatever.” I grasped the frozen knob firmly, trying not to panic, slightly peeking inside.

 

 

“Oh hey, you're here...”

 

Just right before I walked in I already heard a soft and weak voice. On the cold bed, lies a frail girl, wearing a hospital gown, pale as the winter snow that was gently pouring outside. It was like, she wasn't the girl I saw earlier this afternoon. It felt like she was not the girl who made a fuss earlier. In front of me was a weak body, with apparatuses hanging beside her, connecting to make her feel better. “You read it, didn't you?” I fell silent. I looked straight onto her dull eyes, stepped til I stopped in beside her bed. “Those eyes are telling me you did. It's okay, my calculations was just right.” Calculations?

“What?” She chuckled after seeing me surprised.

“Look, you see. I already knew this was going to happen. I know myself too well so I made a condition that if I fail to give that letter to him at the fan sign event, I'll handle that to you. Knowing that Jungkook wouldn't read it, it was possible that you're the one's who are going to. I know you're not that type of person who would just throw it away or not minding what inside. You somewhat remind me of him.” I don't know how should I react. Seeing her like this was making my heart swollen even though she did worst things in the past. My chest felt heavy. “I'm glad he chose a girl who's better than me. Anyway, I know you would pay a visit so I left the hospital's address behind the paper. I'm always here, you see. That laptop, is where I edit his pictures to HD.”

“What is the purpose of this letter if you know that I'm going to read this?” I bluntly asked.

“Woah, you've outsmarted me.” She giggled. She's pretending to be strong. “I wrote that letter few days ago, you see. Those days I only think of him, so I thought that maybe, by means of that letter, he would come back.
Somehow, I realized that I'm being too selfish. That I only think about myself, because I'm not going to see him anymore. If the surgery will be a success, I will go back to Japan and live there for the rest of my life. I will quit the fandom, and focus on my studies. I want to live my life as a new person. I want to reborn. It's already planned, as you can see.” Her eyes were shimmering. Tears were edging her eyes, but she won't blink. She won't let it fall.
“That's the reason why I'm desperate. But now, I feel like I should give that to you instead, to know my side. It's okay if everyone is judging me, it's okay if even Taehyung or Jungkook dislike me. I'll let them be,

but I don't want you to. At least, I need someone, who's similar to Jungkook, that can understand my pain. This was why I let you read that. I fall for Jungkook, because he can listen to my problems and can make me smile despite of that. Both of you are the same. You may not draw smiles from my face, but see, you're here for what?
You're here to lend me your ears.” She raised her right hand up to my face as I kept on standing straight. She was like making a stop signal.

“I've thought of five reasons why I gave that letter to you.” She smirked. Still pale and weak. Her cracked and dry lips were trembling, maybe because of cold.

“First, I want you to know who I am.
Second, I want you to know what I've been.
Third, I want you to know what we've been through.
Fourth, I want you to know the values I learned, and lastly..

 

I want you to keep a promise.”

 

“A promise?”

Hyemi hushed with her index finger. I gulped and tried to focus.

 

 

“A promise that you won't tell the members, especially Jungkook, that I'm sick. And all the contents of that letter you're holding, I want you to keep it by yourself. Forever.

At least through this, I'll be selfless. Before I leave this country, I want everything to be settled and happy. I want you to be happy with him, I want him to be happy with you. I want all the members to be contented with what they have and keep improving themselves. You will fulfill what I lacked since. Whatever happens, I want you to bury our memories far away, to where the members will not remember me. It's pretty easy right?” No, it wasn't. It will never be... Why do I feel uncomfortable? It was like I couldn't keep this secret from her. No.. I really can't. “That's all. That's all I want. You can leave me alone here now, without worries.” Sorry, Hyemi, I will never take this for granted.

“I sincerely thank you for everything, Chaewon--”

“Promises should be mutual, so I want you to promise me one thing as well.” I raised my chin up, taunted her. She widened her eyes in shock, even her jaw fell. Shifting glances from the vase behind me, and to the floor, it was clear to me that she was trying to guess what it was. “You, Jung Hyemi, need to at least,

 

 

bid him farewell.”

 

 

---

 

 

 

H Y E M I

 

“What?!” I moved back.

 

“Yes, both of you need to have proper farewells.” This girl is really something. She's definitely like Jungkook. Everything, from attitude, to challenges, to games. She was pretty engaged to everything. I'm ing hyped. “But just to assure you won't kiss him or touch him, I would be there beside both of you. I will be watching Akatsuki no Yona, or any anime I stumble upon, with high volume so that I won't be hearing your conversations. You can say I love you to him, I don't care.

I don't want you to leave without meeting him formally for the last time.”

Gosh, Jungkook really found his other half.

 

I'm jealous.

 

I'm jealous, because I can never be her. I can never be brave and selfless like her. I can never be this strong-willed, and sharp as her. Still, with her offer, I couldn't say yes, neither no. I want to meet him, but I don't want to as well. I might be so weak that time, and he might know that I'm physically ill. But, you see,

 

This girl in front of me was holding me. Her eyes were blazing. It was convincing me to accept the offer. It was as if it was matter of life and death.. This girl..
“You're crying?” she whispered. I didn't notice I'm crying. Tears were just rolling down my cheeks as I kept on giggling about it. “Ya, you know that it was impossible, right?” I wiped everything below my eyes. My heart was touched. The last time I felt this was years ago... It felt good. “I guess, Ms. Chaewon should stop kidding.” I laughed.

 

“No, I'm aware Jungkook loves you still.” What the ? What the hell was she saying?
“Yes, miss, I do feel that he still has feelings for you.”

“Get yourself off together, it's impossible.” I whispered, looking straight to her with my face, but she kept on muttering. “I might be the second lead of this drama, but does it matter? I need to try my best to resolve these conflict, because I love Jungkook. More than my life, I don't want to see him upset--” too loud...

I stood up. I couldn't take this negative words. Even if with my apparatuses still with me, even if I couldn't balance myself, I neared,

 

and felt a burning pain in my hands after I slapped the hell out of her.

 

The sound echoed inside the room and she was startled. It felt good. My hands were red from it, I released everything I wanted to say just now. The perfect definition of 'Show, don't tell.'
“Never.” I clenched my fists. “Think of Jungkook

as a jerk.” She kept staring at the ground, confused of what I did. Hopefully by that, I woke her up to her senses and fact that Jungkook would never feel love for the both of us at the same time. “Never. Doubt. Him... At least.”

“Sorry.”

“If Jungkook still has feelings for me, he would've kissed me right away, or searched to find me, but he didn't. I know Jungkook more than the members know him. I know him more than you. If he told you that he still has feelings for me, he's just confused. He's just confused, because I came back. I appeared in front of his eyes and everything flashes in his mind.” Indeed. I need to say it louder. “Those memories are just illusion made by his heart to baffle him. Please, trust him..

because if you don't, he might believe those illusions.”

 

 

The room became strangely silent. Aside from the ticking of the wall clock in front at the white painted wall, my apparatuses were the only thing that was audible. I could also hear the slow beats of my frail heart, matching those beats of the clock and those of apparatuses. It was my music. “Smile, Chaewon. Smile for him and for yourself. You're not the second lead. You will never be.”

I saw her tearing up but she wiped it quickly before anyone could see.

“Thank you...

 

For the slap.” And yes, She's... also weird. “Whoo, that was painful. BUT I WILL NEVER ACCEPT REJECTION AS FAILURE.” Chaewon laughed it out loud. I'm glad I contributed a lot. “The promise.. I'll send you a message to when he's available. You should grab the opportunity. I rarely give chances, so you should be grateful!”

“I will, thank you.” I grinned weakly.

 

She waved her hands and gave her second to the last goodbye. The last farewell would be the day of the promise. Chaewon closed the door and moments after she shut it, I went back at the bed, and the television. I couldn't focus myself on watching the news, because the scenery outside was sight to see. If only I have my cameras on hand, I would really take a shot of it. Even if the city was covered with the snow, and the trees were dead, the lights were still flickering making it seemed so alive. I hope Jungkook was here with me to see this.

How fast the time ran, and soon I'm going to bid my last farewell to him. How fast the time ran, but all these feelings seemed not to be fading yet. Every second, every minute, every hour.. Every breath I take, was reminding me of him. Every step I take feels like a step with him. Every clasp of hands feels a hold from his hands. Winter years before, he gave me warmth. Now those hugs were gone. I'm already dead cold as the snow.

My heart was already frozen by the reality we won't be getting back together. Although, I knew it was not going to be the same, I don't get it why I feel this pain. I don't get why I spend my nights here, still crying, still suffering, because of him. Why in hell I can't seem to forget him?

 

Moments of was punctuated by the tears that fell on my cheeks. I shouldn't cry.

Life was perhaps telling me to retry the game. I'm tired of repeating this all over again, but I should give it a try. A try to change everything. Chaewon made it possible, Thanks to her.

The second to the last farewell with him was a mess. I ruined everything. I hope the last meeting with him would turn out good. At least, before I leave, I should see him smile. Yes, that should be my goal. On that day, I will make him smile for the last time.

 

or maybe I won't.

 

 

Something pierced inside me gradually. It was a bullet that went through me, tearing my insides. Slowly, my chest was burning, enough for me to suffocate. That stinging sensation felt familiar. Yes it was. It was a friend, an enemy, I should say, since I broke up with him. The old friend was just hibernating, and now, it was the worst. Those feeling was just in a matter of seconds until in a sudden, it was already excruciating. Tortured, a burning knife was stabbing my heart every beat it took.
My eyes were becoming blurry as I kept on hearing a monotonous and a distorted sound inside my ear. I tried to yell for help, but no one seemed to answer. Perhaps, because I never really screamed. Perhaps, the scream was just a whisper my mouth uttered. Clenching my fist, I gave five blows to my chest. No? It wasn't just five. I couldn't count how many I gave, but it was enough to let a pillow deformed. My lungs was wrapped in thorns of black roses, suffocating me, as I struggled on breathing louder. The oxygen was present inside of this room, yet I was excluded to take it. The air was already replaced by a poison.

I can hear myself crying, groaning, trying to call somebody. I need someone. To help. My heart was torturing itself, bombarding every chambers of it. Every beat was an arrow shot. Every nerve was pulsating distressingly. It was rapid; overlapping those ticks of clock, and the more quick it was, the more agonizing it does. My body folded on its own like a paper that was easily torn. What should I do?!

 

“If you need any help, please press the button here.”

 

Right,

 

The button

 

My vision became extremely hazy now. Not to mention my senses were malfunctioning already. Vision was hazy not because of tears, but maybe because its physiological thing. Every sound I hear was distorted and painful as well. It was as if I was trapped inside an aquarium filled with water. I was drowning on my own pain. I felt freezing as well.

Am I dying?

 

 

I neared for the button shaking, but I don't think I would make it. Every senses was fading, and failing. Inches felt it was a feet as I approached the button.

Two inches,

One inch,

Centimeters,

 

and I pressed.

 

I brought myself down quickly because of exhaustion as the alarm echoed. The vase and my body fell at the same time, however, it was the vase that only shattered after it fell. I didn't. Perhaps, in just a moment, just like the vase, I would.

The freezing air was getting colder and colder. The fact that I could still feel the surroundings made me happy. I was glad my senses were still working. But, I'm getting hopeless...

Through my peripheral vision, I could see a guy standing beside me...

 

 

Timberland shoes?

Reminded me of someone...

 

 

Funny even at times like this, you're showing up,

Jeon Jungkook.

 

 

 

Say..,

 

 

 

Is.. it.. too late?

 

 

 

---

 

 

C H A E W O N

 

It was worth it. Everything was worth it. I never thought I would be smiling after going out from that room. Those slap was memorable, at least for me. I wish she could be right beside me whenever I'm doubting about him. At least I can woke up from my delusions and fantasies.

This white wall of the hallway seemed endless for me. I walked without realizing where I was heading, but I didn't care. I was exhausted, yet I have to admit that today was productive.
My phone was singing fire once again and I knew I was receiving a call. I grasped it inside my pocket to check who it was. Turned out to be him.

“Yes, Jungkook?”

“Where in the hell are you? It was already 11:30!”

“Ah, I'm here at the-...” I almost slipped, but anyway- “Hospital. I'm paying bills. Mom asked me to get her money and pay for it in her stead. She was busy, so yeah. It's monthly bill. Hell, wait. 11:30 and how did you know that I'm not inside the dorm?”

“We're already here. We dismissed early!!” He laughed. It was pleasing to the ear.

“The reason?”

 

“Ah.. Uh.. We didn't feel like practicing?”

“What? YOU GUYS NEED TO WORK HARD. WINGS TOUR, REMEMBER?!”

“Well, we're not in the mood...” his voice became soft.

“Lie.”

“Okay fine. To tell you the truth, it was because of Hyemi...” Of course, but now that she has reasons, I'm not going to take the side of the members. I need to be the mediator. “It was the first time in two and a half years that she showed up. It's shocking for us, especially me, because you already know what we've been through. It was painful and, I can't... just brush it aside.” Jungkook's voice was getting weaker and weaker.

“I know. I understand. Have you told the members to give you some time? It's hard.”

“Yes. They told me that I should do well on the next practice.”

“Good, and you should be. You're already working. We're not in the teeny high school fluffy stage where everything is denial or what. You need to make up your mind about your priorities in life. Your goal.”

“You're right. Yes. Thank you.

But hey, how long are you going to stay there?!”

“I'M GOING HOME! STOP NAGGING.”

“YES! FINALLY! Take care, baby! Do not catch a cold. I love you.”

“I love you too-”

“Call me oppa.”

“You hate being called oppa.”

“Not with you.”

“Jungkook oppa bye.” I pretended to end the call to see his reactions, but he knew I was just playing. “I'm not going to be fooled, miss.”

We laughed as I went outside the elevator. I don't know where am I, but I like being lost anyway. Moments after I passed through five running doctors. They seemed to be in a hurry. I really mean it. They were panting as if they were the heroes who came to save the day. I stopped, and looked back out of amazement. Is this Hayoon's work? Running 24/7, prescribing patients? Must be tiring. Moments after wandering, I heard an ascending tone. An announcement followed.

 

 

“CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE. ROOM 110. CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE. PAGING EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT. CODE BLUE. ROOM 110. CODE BLUE.”

No..

 

“Hey, Chaewon, what's that?”

 

“I'll message you later. It's bit urgent.”

 

Room 110 was Hyemi's room. What on earth was happening?