Goodbye
Same, but DifferentI wake up hours before my alarm can ring. I took a peek at my phone earlier and saw that it’s only 7AM. Unable to go back to sleep, I get up to do some simple stretching before proceeding with my daily morning routine. Soo calls just as I come out of the shower.
“I wasn’t expecting this,” she says when I answer the call, referring to me being up early.
“What’s up?”
“Let’s go cycling.”
“In the cold?” I get that today is the last day of our break and all but… cycling?
“I told you it was a bad idea,” Soo tells someone in the background.
“It’s been a while since we all went to Han River together.” This voice belongs to Woong. Han River… Quickly flipping the calendar on my desk, I realise today’s special occasion - our band's first public performance anniversary.
“Let’s meet at the same place in an hour,” I say before hanging up. Changing into jeans and a knitted sweater, I dry my hair and prepare to go out. As I sling on my bag and lace up my shoes, I try to remember what was it that I was going to bring. Oh, right. My guitar. I even took it out of my cupboard just now. Looking around the living room, I spot my guitar lying on the sofa. I remove my shoes before going in to take it, coming out again to lace up my shoes before leaving the house.
“Byeol!” Soo waves me over as I cycle towards them, the guitar a heavy burden on my back. The band sits on the grass patch along the pavement, their bicycles leaning against the lamppost beside. I climb down from my bicycle as I near them, parking the 2-wheeler with the others. Carrying my guitar with me, I take a sit beside Seob who’s moodily tapping on his cajón. Looking at the others, I see Soo with her mini keyboard and Ray with his guitar. Woong sits in the middle of the group, his legs outstretched and body leaned back on his elbows.
“You all brought your instruments, too?” I ask casually, glad that they did because I have something planned.
“Haven’t seen you touch a guitar in a while,” Woong says, eyeing my instrument. Actually, I don’t really play the guitar. I got curious watching Ray play and Namjoon had offered to teach me. He even specially got me this guitar but I lost interest after a while so it’s just been lying in my room since then.
“Haven’t been playing for a while,” I say honestly.
“Why’d you bring it?” Ray asks, his tone defensive. I smile absentmindedly and shrug.
“Since we all have our instruments, why not let’s have a little performance here?” Seob suggests just as I hoped someone would. Woong takes a side-glance at me.
“Why not?” My agreement to the suggestion shocks the band. On his own count, Seob suddenly starts drumming to a familiar beat. Realising the song he’s playing, Ray and Soo joins in with their respective instruments.
“On a sunny and bright day
You were standing next to me, close enough to touch
For a moment, I couldn’t speak, as if something came over me
Then I happily chatted away.”
Woong starts the song, taking over lines that once belonged to Namjoon.
“Were we that kind of couple?
Like a familiar and warm wind on a white spring day
You’re my dream. I can’t reach you now
But I won’t be far so we can meet again, come see me again.”
I turn over to glance at Namjoon as I continue after him. It’s our first official stage – I can’t mess up. Namjoon smiles at me encouragingly.
“You lived near the Han River so I got a place near there too
My friend said he visited you and asked me to go too, shaking up my heart.
“Were we really a couple?
You’re like a sweet fantasy that came with the white sunlight
You’re my dream, though we’re at different places
I want to see you so I try to sleep again, come see me again.”
Woong keeps making eye contact with me but somehow, I’m feeling burdened by it.
“Thank you for coming to see me even in my dreams
You look good and you’re smiling brightly, it’s a relief.”
People are gathering in front of us. I try to ignore them, but I hear my voice shaking. Missing a beat, I catch up with Woong in the chorus before he closes the song.
“You’re my dream, though we’re at different places
I want to see you so I try to sleep again, come see me again.”
The small crowd claps and like the professionals the band members are, my friends smile and greet their audience politely.
“Wow, singing together like this really brings back a lot of past memories,” Ray says as the crowd disperses.
“Yeah!” Soo chirps in. “Remember our first photoshoot?” The guys smile fondly.
“You hyungs were posing so awkwardly!” Seob comments cheekily, making fun of Ray – Woong wasn’t with us yet then so he stares blankly. I try to bring up those memories myself.
“You okay?” He asks, worry splashed all over his face. “Cold?”
Consciously, I look down at the revealing dress I’m wearing and involuntarily rub my arms. “I’m fine,” I manage to say. Not buying my words, he calls for the director to request for a short break. Running into the pantry, he comes back with a cup of hot tea.
“Here.” He puts the drink into my frozen stiff hands and lets it rest there for a second longer. Strangely, I don‘t feel the urge to flick his hand away. Smiling, I take a sip of the tea and let the hot liquid warm up my insides.
“Alright, let’s get back to work!” the director raises her voice as she claps her hand for attention.
The photographer pokes his head out from behind the computer.
“Byeol-ssi, Rap Mon-ssi, please get into position.”
No… No! This is not the memory I was searching for. Namjoon… My first photoshoot with Namjoon and the band! Not the impromptu one with Bangtan. What’s wrong with me?
“Let’s do one more song,” I pipe in suddenly, changing the subject. I tap on my guitar with a falsely plastered smile to hide my fluster. Pulling the instrument across my lap, I position my fingers on the strings just as Namjoon had taught me. I strum to imaginary music in my head.
“With the reason of loving you
Just with that reason
Can’t I have you?”
Woong’s eyes widen. “Byeol, stop.” I ignore him.
“The one person
Who is more precious to me than anyone else
My love.”
The strings cut into my finger.
“Words I couldn’t tell you
Words that I bury in my heart
Because you and I can’t go on any further.”
“Lee Byeol.” Woong reaches over and pulls the guitar away from me as if it would really stop me.
“I love you
In this heart
In my heart.”
“Byeol, please don’t do this,” Woong pleads. I don’t have to look up to see the pain in their eyes.
“I tell myself to stop
Let’s stop.”
“Just let her be,” Soo’s soft voice finds its way in the wind. Tears sting my eyes.
“I keep telling myself
I’ll let you go and forget you.
“Now,”
“Noona…” Seob places a comforting hand on my shoulder despite the evident sadness in his own voice.
“Goodbye…”
Namjoon-ah…
This is my final goodbye to you.
Goodbye.
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