The walls were grey, the carpet was grey, the mood was grey.  Six women and two men sat around a dark red wooden table in black office chairs.  When they met together this way, Ayoung would usually swivel around in her chair, Woohee would rest her head on the table and try to sleep, and Gaeun would always have a cup of coffee in front of her.  But today was different, and everyone knew that.

            Jiyul and Gaeun seemed clumped together with the company president and directed on one side of the table, while the rest of the members stayed close together on the other side.  Everyone stared down at the table, unable to speak, unable to even breathe comfortably.  Subin sat right next to Serri and held her arm.  Woohee put her elbows on the table and covered her face with her hands.  When Gaeun began to sniffle, the president finally spoke.

            “It’s good that we could all meet right away,” he said softly.  “From what Serri tells me, there were a lot of emotions last night.  Today I want us all to share information that will help us process what is happening.”

            “May I say something right away?” Jiyul asked.

            “Go ahead.”

            “You guys…we want you to know that we didn’t mean to keep this as a secret from you,” Jiyul began, her eyes finally rising up to meet each of the members.  “Initially, I had met with the company to share my goals with them.  Just to see if they could accommodate them.  After a few meetings, it really seemed that I wouldn’t be able to continue with Dal Shabet if I wanted to pursue my dreams.  I didn’t anticipate that sort of conclusion; I really didn’t.”

            “I met with the company separately in the same way,” Gaeun explained through tears.  “When it seemed that both of us may need to move on, the company connected us and explained both of our situations to each other.”

            “This was not to keep you guys out of the loop,” Jiyul insisted desperately.  “The company thought that if two members need to leave, it would be better for them to leave at the same time.”

            “When did you begin meeting with the company?” Subin asked coldly.

            “Subin-ah,” Serri whispered, giving Subin a gentle jab in her side.

            “It was actually the beginning of November for both of us,” Jiyul informed.  “We’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”

            “And…When did you come to your decision?” Serri questioned reluctantly.

            “It was…Last Monday, I think.”

            Serri felt her stomach drop.  Last Monday was a few days after her legal meeting with Yoohwan.  Was that what solidified their decision?  Was Serri’s tarnished reputation responsible for this?  She felt tears quickly fill her eyes to the brims; she closed them right away to hide her guilt.

            “Is this really an official decision already?”  Ayoung’s voice was raspy and sharp.  “Is it really final?  Aren’t we here to discuss it?”

            “Ayoung-ah…”  The president sighed and looked at Jiyul and Gaeun.  “Maybe you should share your goals with them.”

            Jiyul stared at Serri and let out a small whimper.  As she began to speak, her voice was now shaky and heartbreaking.  “I…I want to make acting my primary focus.  I also want to study acting at a university.  It’s just a lot of work…I don’t think I can add that stress onto myself or Dal Shabet by remaining in the group.”

            “We think so too,” the president told sternly.  “Gaeun-ah?”

            “I really want to give my all to fashion,” Gaeun admitted shakily.  “I want to go to school and design…I want to open up my own shop and have fashion shows.  It takes a lot more work than I thought, but I really want to do it.”

            “Please know this isn’t a sudden decision or a copout.”  Jiyul’s worried eyes still rested on Serri who kept her eyes closed as her lips trembled.  “We spent a lot of time thinking about and discussing this decision.”

            “We had many meetings,” the president interrupted.  “So many meetings.  We really went through every option to see if accommodations could be made to allow Jiyul and Gaeun to continue in Dal Shabet.  But…we just couldn’t find a way.”

            “I just don’t understand,” Ayoung cried, folding her arms.  “We all have dreams.  We’ve all made sacrifices to keep Dal Shabet going, but I feel like we’ve all been able to pursue our interests, right?”

            “How can anyone pursue their dreams in Dal Shabet if their main dream isn’t Dal Shabet?”  Subin sounded angry now, and Serri couldn’t bring her hands away from her crying eyes to scold her this time.  “Isn’t it obvious?  Your love for this group has faded.”

            “That’s not true, Subin-ah!” Gaeun retorted urgently.  “Don’t even say that!”

            Subin shot up from her chair, causing nearly every person in the room to gasp.  “You can lie to yourself, but don’t lie to me!  This isn’t about your dreams or your goals, this is about Dal Shabet’s failure!  We’ve had seven mini albums and only become even more irrelevant!  You’ve given up on us!

            “Stop it, Subin-ah!” Jiyul screamed, rising from her chair as well.

            Without another word, Subin rushed over to the door of the room and slammed her fist against the wall.  She hit it softly a few more times, then sank to the floor and broke down into tears.  The five other members ran over to her right away and kneeled down around her.

            “Subin-ah, why are you acting this way?”  Serri wrapped her arms around Subin and leaned against the wall with her.  “Subin-ah?”

            “I’m so sorry,” Subin sobbed, covering her face.  “This is all my fault.  It’s all my fault.”

            “What?”  Jiyul leaned in close and took Subin’s hands.  “It’s not your fault, Subin-ah.  Why would you think that?”

            “We were supposed…supposed to come back…in the summer.”  Subin choked on her words as she tried to speak.  “My car accident delayed us so much.  If we had come back in the summer, maybe…maybe we would have found success and you…you would have wanted to stay.”

            “No, Subinnie, it’s not your fault,” Woohee suddenly insisted with a trembling voice.  “It’s mine.  My lung made our delay so much longer.”

           “Both of you, stop!” Jiyul ordered frantically.  “It’s not about our hiatus, it’s not about our success or failures.  You have to believe us!”

            “Unnie…”  Subin squeezed Jiyul’s hand and reached out to Gaeun who quickly moved closer.  “I was going to try to make it better.  I’m going to work hard…Please stay.”

            “Subin-ah…”  Jiyul held Subin’s hand tightly and cried. 

            “Subin-ah, have some water,” the president said suddenly, rushing over with a cup of water.  “Listen…All of you have had a long day.  You’re all tired and confused.  I think it’s obvious we must postpone your comeback until this is all sorted out.  Take another week of vacation and talk out what you need to.  Go home and talk with your families for a while if you need to.  Just try to clear your minds.  We’ll meet again in a week to figure everything out.  Go home and get some sleep for now.”

            Jiyul let out a cheerless moan and rose from the ground.  She rushed out of the room, soon to be followed by Gaeun.

            “Unnie!” Subin screamed, staring after them.  “Unnie, please don’t leave!  Please!”

            “Subinnie, calm down,” Serri begged, squeezing Subin tighter in her arms.  “Please…This isn’t the end, okay?  We’re going to take some time to work things out.”

            “I’ll fix everything!” Subin cried helplessly.  “I’ll work hard!”

            “I can’t do this right now,” Ayoung sighed, following Jiyul and Gaeun out of the room.

            “Ayoung!”  Subin’s voice was full of misery and frustration.  She pounded her fist on the ground twice before Woohee grabbed her hands and held them still.  “Gaeun!”

            “Subin-ah,” Serri called gently, pushing the hair from Subin’s face.  Subin appeared as a young child having a temper tantrum.  Her teary eyes were closed, and she was breathing unevenly.  “You’re so tired.  You’re falling asleep in my arms.  Let’s go back to the dorm and take a nap, okay?”

            “I’ll carry her out to the car,” the president insisted, the only one in the room who even came close to Subin’s height.

            Serri wrapped her arm around Woohee’s waist as the four of them headed out to the car.  Woohee leaned into Serri and cried into her chest even as they got into the company van.  The president put Subin in the passenger seat before entering the driver’s side and driving them back to the dorm.  He was silent and somber the whole way as all three girls cried quietly. 

            When they reached the dorm, the president carried Subin in to her room and all three of them tried to help her into her bunk bed.  She eventually laid down on Gaeun’s bottom bunk and almost fell asleep immediately.  Serri and Woohee stood there silently as the president left.

            “She’ll probably sleep into tomorrow morning,” Serri suggested, wiping a few tears from Subin’s eyes.  “Woohee-yah…You should try to sleep as well.  All our eyes are tired.”

            “Where are Ayoung, Jiyul, and Gaeun?” Woohee asked quietly.

            “They probably went home to their families.”  Serri rubbed Woohee’s arm softly.  “Woohee-yah…you can go visit them for a while if you want.”

            “No, unnie,” Woohee sighed.  “I want to stay here with you.  You’re taking care of everyone else.  Who will take care of you?”

            Woohee’s word finally drew a smile out of Serri.  “Woohee-yah, you’re so cute.  I’m…I’m so glad you were brought to us in the way that you were.”

            “If things change…”  Woohee choked on her words but cleared and refrained from crying anymore tears.  “Maybe good things will come from it?  It seems sad now…Maybe I shouldn’t even say those things.”

            “I think it’s good to have hope,” Serri grinned.  “Keep your spirits up, Woohee-yah.  This will all be figured out soon.”

            “Unnie, you should get some sleep,” Woohee insisted.  “I think I will too.  Don’t stay up much longer, okay?”

            “Alright, Woohee-yah.”

            As soon as Woohee went off to bed, Serri took a bottle of cheap wine from the kitchen cabinet and poured herself a glass.  She laid down on the couch and took a few sips.  As she lay there, she expected to be tormented with thoughts of guilt and fear, but her mind began to go blank.  Feeling herself begin to drift off, she took one more sip and put her wine glass on the table.  Her eyes closed immediately, and everything went dark.

           

*          *          *

 

            Serri awoke to a gentle knocking on the front door.  She wondered if she had really woken up; the living room was pitch black.  She reached for her cell phone on the table and saw that it was 11:47PM, and there were a few missed text messages from Hakyeon.  After groggily lifting herself up from the couch, she wandered over to the front door and opened it.

            “Serri-yah,” Hakyeon greeted cheerfully as soon as she opened the door.  “I’m sorry if I’m surprising you; I tried texting you earlier but you wouldn’t respond.”

            “I’m sorry, Hakyeon-ah,” Serri said, giving a sleepy smile.  “I’ve been taking a really long nap.”

            “Serri-yah, you look so tired,” he commented anxiously.  “And your eyes are red.  Have you been crying?”

            Serri took a fluffy jacket from the coat rack and stepped outside on the porch with Hakyeon.  As soon as she put it on and shut the door, she wrapped her arms around Hakyeon and pressed her face into his chest.

            “Are you okay?” he asked, holding her tightly.  “Did something happen today?”

            “Jiyul and Gaeun…”  She felt so tired, but the reality of their situation quickly woke her up.  “Jiyul and Gaeun want to leave the group.”

            “What?”  Hakyeon pulled away to look into her eyes.  “Are you serious?  They told you today?”

            “Last night,” Serri answered rigidly, trying so hard hold her tears in.  “It’s been a long 24 hours.”

            “Is the decision final?  Maybe you’ll be able to work something out.”

            “Maybe.”  As Serri looked up into the eyes that made her feel safe and protected, she finally let herself break down.  “Oppa…I think it’s because of me.”

            “What?” he questioned in confusion.  “Why would you think that?”

            “They decided to leave after my scandal broke out,” Serri whimpered, staring down at Hakyeon’s chest and fiddling with the zipper of his jacket.  “Jiyul said it has nothing to do with that, but…I know she’s lying.  I know my reputation pushed them away.”

            “Serri, don’t think like that,” Hakyeon begged, pulling her back into a hug.  “Don’t even think that way.”

            “They’ll be better off if they leave,” Serri sobbed, weakly wrapping her arms around Hakyeon’s waist.  “With my scandal…No, I should leave first.  That will save all of them.”

            “Serri-yah, please, stop talking like that.”  Hakyeon squeezed her forcefully and kissed the top of her head.  “Do not even blame yourself or anything that has happened in the past few months.  Jiyul and Gaeun must have their own reasons for thinking of leaving.  Please believe them when they say you’re not to blame.”

            “What if I could have done something to make them stay?”  Serri’s mind flowed with endless thoughts of regret and guilt.  “I’m their leader.  There must have been something I could have done to help Dal Shabet’s success.  If we had become more popular, maybe they would consider staying.”

            “Don’t assume they’re so shallow,” Hakyeon insisted sternly.  “You know them better than that.  Would they really make fame their main goal?”

            “…No.”  Serri took a deep breath and leaned back.  “I think I know that deep down inside, but it’s hard to keep from thinking these thoughts.  Everything they’ve had to endure, especially since the Yoohwan rumors began…”

            “Stop right there,” Hakyeon pleaded, tapping Serri’s red nose with his finger.  “Don’t even go there.”

            “Hakyeon-ah…”  Serri’s lower lip trembled as she thought of her members.  “Subinnie is really a mess.  She took Viki’s departure really hard…And now to lose two of her closest friends…”

            “If they leave, you’re not losing them as friends,” Hakyeon insisted with a soft grin.  “They may not be members anymore, but they’ll still be your friends.  And they’ll still be an important part of Dal Shabet.”

            “I wish it felt that way…”

            Serri jumped at the sound of rumbling fireworks in the distance.  They looked towards the East and saw the pretty lights all of the sky.

            “Why are there fireworks?” Serri asked.  “Those are big ones.”

            “Serri-yah…”  Hakyeon chuckled slightly.  “It’s officially 2015.  It’s New Year.”

            “New Year?” Serri gasped.  “I had completely forgotten…”

            “Serri-yah, I’m so sorry this year is beginning with such turmoil,” Hakyeon whispered, pushing some hair behind Serri’s ear.  “I came here tonight to kiss you at midnight, to give this year to you.  I hope no matter what happens, you know you can count on me.  I’ll walk with you through this, Serri-yah.”

            Serri gave a broken smile and cupped Hakyeon’s face in her hands.  He leaned in and kissed her tenderly as the fireworks continued to explode a few miles away.  They stood there for a few more minutes past midnight in the cold air.  Serri knew whatever the future held was scary and uncertain, but with Hakyeon, she had just a moment of peace and clarity.