Chapter 1

 

            It was 8AM.  At some point in the night, Serri fell asleep for a moment, but she was wide awake now.  Her eyes hurt and her neck ached, but she couldn’t bring herself to sleep anymore.  She sat on the living room right beside the couch where Jiyul slept soundly.  She couldn’t look away from her; it was like she could disappear at any moment.

            Serri had cried and fallen asleep with her on the couch, but sleep wouldn’t stay.  Last night she had cried because of the pain Jiyul showed, but she still couldn’t process her own thoughts.  She didn’t know if she felt grief, disappointment, or something else.  And even if she felt anything, she couldn’t show it; she had to stay strong. 

            Even just last night, the dorms felt like a city in ruins.  With Jiyul out of the room, Ayoung kept their room light on throughout the entire night.  Serri poked her head in around 4:30AM to find Ayoung sitting on her bed, staring at the wall with wide, worried eyes.  She sat with her for a little while and asked if she was okay.  Ayoung only nodded.  When Serri wrapped her arm around her, she could barely feel Ayoung breathing.  After a while, she brought Ayoung some tea and left her there to hopefully fall asleep eventually.

            Serri rose up from the floor and peeked into Ayoung’s room to find her sleeping calmly on the floor.  The light was still on, but at least she had brought a pillow with her to the floor.  Though sunlight was beginning to pour into the room, Serri switched off the light and took a fluffy blanket from the bed to drape over her friend on the floor.

            “Unnie,” Ayoung suddenly called with a raspy voice.

            Serri tucked the blanket around Ayoung and moved the hair from her face.  “Ayoung-ah, you must have been freezing here on the floor all night.  Why didn’t you just fall asleep on your bed?”

            “Unnie, please tell me it was all a nightmare,” Ayoung sighed, closing her tired eyes again.  “Please.”

            “Ayoung-ah…”  Serri took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes.  “I texted the president.  We’ve scheduled a meeting at the company for 2PM.  You have some more time.  Just get some sleep.  You were up all night.”

            Ayoung grumbled quietly and her side.  Serri rubbed her arm and took the mug full of cold tea from the bed stand.  With one last glance at Ayoung, she left the room and closed the door.

            On any other day, Gaeun would already be awake and possibly returning from a long run.  But when Serri opened the door to her and Subin’s room, she saw Gaeun sleeping in Subin’s bed with her makeup smudge all over her face.  If Woohee hadn’t been crying, maybe Serri would have heard Gaeun’s sobs from across the hall.  A few tears filled Serri’s eyes as she walked up to Gaeun and carefully flicked an eyelash from her cheek.

            “Subin-ah.”  Gaeun opened her red eyes to reveal a heartbreaking desperation.  When she saw Serri, she closed her eyes again and seemed to continue her sobbing from last night.

            “Gaeun-ah,” Serri whimpered, her signature chuckle coming on to keep herself from crying.  “Don’t be so down.  Subin will be back right away.”

            “She was so angry,” Gaeun cried, pressing her face into Subin’s pillow.  “She hates us.  And I really don’t blame her.”

            “Gaeun-ah, this is an important matter,” Serri insisted, rubbing her hand over the back of Gaeun’s head.  “No on is right or wrong…We’re just planning for the future.  We’re going to have a meeting today at 2PM at the headquarters and it’ll all be sorted out.”

            “Will Subin even come?”

            “Of course she will.”

            Gaeun took a loud, sharp breath with her face still in the pillow.  “I’m so afraid, I’m just so afraid.”

            Her words reminded Serri of Woohee, and she suddenly felt overwhelmed by all the breaking hearts in her dorm.  She turned away and put her hand to as tears began to fall from her eyes.  A whimper left her lungs one more time, and she could hear Gaeun shift on Subin’s bed behind her.

            “Unnie…Are you okay?”

            “I…I’m fine,” Serri assured, still turned away.  “Just…Be ready for the meeting at 2.  Make sure to eat something before we go.”

            “Unnie…I’m so sorry.”

            Serri turned around in time to see Gaeun bury her face into the pillow again.  “Gaeun-ah-”

            “I’m so sorry…”

            Rushing out of the room, Serri took fast breaths and quickly wiped her tears away.  Gaeun’s sobbing persisted even after she left, and she could hear it from behind the closed door.  She wished it would stop; she wished she would never hear such a heartbreaking sound ever again.

            Woohee suddenly came out of Ayoung and Jiyul’s room and gave a couple hoarse coughs.

            “Woohee-yah,” Serri called immediately, stepping over to Woohee and feeling her forehead.  “Are you getting sick?  Your lungs aren’t hurting again, are they?”

            “No, no, I’m fine, unnie,” Woohee promised, a cute grin appearing on her face.  Her eyes were red and tired, but her small smile was the first smile Serri had seen in the past eight hours.  “Unnie…Ayoung and Jiyul are asleep.  How is Gaeun-ah?”

            “She’s…not doing well,” Serri sighed.  “But I think she’ll fall asleep again.  Everyone is so tired.”

            “I think I was the only one who really fell asleep last night,” Woohee sighed.  “I feel bad…”

            “Don’t feel bad,” Serri urged with a quick smile.  “Woohee-yah, eat breakfast and get some strength.  I’ve scheduled a meeting for today at 2PM at the company.  I’ll meet you guys there.”

            “Where are you going, unnie?”

            “I’m…going to go see Subin,” Serri informed reluctantly.  “I’m really worried about her.  I’ll take her to the meeting, just make sure everyone is ready in time, okay?”

            “Okay.”

            Woohee pulled Serri into a hug and Serri didn’t know if she would ever let her go.  They were about the same height, but it was so easy for Woohee to seem so small and childlike.  Serri kissed her forehead, and Woohee finally let go.

            Serri got ready to go and grabbed her phone.  She looked one more time at the sleeping Jiyul before she walked out into the winter day.  There was no snow today, but the air was freezing her body to the core.  After hailing a cab, she finally sat down and checked her phone.

 

December 31, 2014 6:47AM

 

Hakyeon: Serri-yah, good morning!! It’s the very last day of 2014, who knows what 2015 holds... :) We’ll be performing at Gayo tonight...I’m sad because I wanted to kiss you at midnight...honestly I want to try to make it back to you somehow...Either way, I’ll kiss you!! Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how great you’ve made my 2014, I truly don’t deserve to live another year with you in my life, but if you’ll have me, I’ll be there :) I love you and hope your day is wonderful. Maybe I’ll at least call you after Gayo?

 

      What did 2015 hold?  Serri saw Hakyeon’s text and wished she could be with him right now.  She didn’t have the energy to write back anything as loving.  Hakyeon deserved so much for loving her unconditionally and even taking the risk of throwing his image just to hold her hand in the street.  But she felt that even her own breath was knocked out of her.  She put the phone back in her purse and looked out onto the cold street.

            It was almost 9AM by the time they reached Subin’s house, and the day seemed to only grow colder.  Serri stepped out of the cab and whisked through the front gate to the front door.  She knocked quietly and carefully, wondering what kind of scene she would walk in on.

            “Serri-yah?”  Subin’s mother smiled brightly when she opened the door, and Serri was immediately beckoned inside.  “It’s freezing out there!  Your cute little nose is red!”

            Serri was certain Subin had shared her insecurity about her nose with her mother, because she never failed to compliment it every time they met.  As she entered the house, a beautiful aroma of American-style pancakes filled the air.  It was so warm and homey, something nice to help numb the unbearable uncertainty in her heart.

            “I was honestly really surprised to see Subin last night,” Mrs. Cho told quietly, returning to the kitchen.  “It seems…There was some news announced last night.”

            “Yeah…”  Serri looked around the living room, but Subin was nowhere to be seen.  “It looks like we may have more member changes…We’re having a meeting this afternoon about it.”

            “I thought you girls were on vacation until the New Year.”  Mrs. Cho sounded slightly on edge as she cooked.  “Does this really have to be figured out right away?”

            “It’s probably best,” Serri sighed, taking a seat at the kitchen table.  “Subin told us she wants to produce our next album last night.  We should know who will be a part of that album.”

            “She’s…She’s taking it really hard,” Mrs. Cho said grimly.  “Very personally.  She talks as if she’s responsible.  I’m not sure what to tell her.  She took Viki’s departure very hard as well…”

            “Nothing is set in stone yet,” Serri reassured, barely able to muster a smile.  “Are you making breakfast for her?”

            “Yes, she loves the American pancakes,” Mrs. Cho replied with a chuckle.  “I’ve perfected them.”

            “Hey, I smell pancakes!”  Serri turned to find Dabin skipping into the living room.  As soon as she reached the kitchen, she stopped and stared at Serri in shock.  “Serri unnie?  What are you doing here?”

            “I came to see Subin,” Serri informed, rising up and giving Dabin a quick hug.

            “Subin is here?” Dabin asked in confusion.  “I thought we went back to the dorm yesterday.”

            “She came late last night,” Mrs. Cho told, placing some pancakes on two plates.  “She just needed to discuss something.  She’s in her room right now.  Serri-yah, why don’t you take her these pancakes and you can eat breakfast together?”

            “Thank you,” Serri grinned.  She took the pancakes and gave Dabin a reassuring smile before heading to Subin’s room.  The door was closed, and she wondered if Subin was still asleep.  She leaned close to the door and listened carefully.

            “You didn’t need to be cruel like this.”

            Subin’s tired voice could be heard singing softly.  The heartbroken tone sent chills down Serri’s spine.

            “You knew my heart and left.  Because you know…I…can’t let you go…”

            Serri finally knocked on the door, and Subin footsteps interrupted her singing.  As she opened the door, her eyes full of exhaustion and fear opened wide.

            “Unnie?”  She kept the door open only a sliver.  “What are you doing here?”

            “I came to check on you.”  Serri looked at Subin suspiciously.  “Are…Are you okay?”

            “Well…yeah.”  Subin opened the door and ushered her in.  “Sorry.  Come in.”

            Serri walked in and sat on Subin’s bed.  She handed a plate of pancakes to her and began eating her own.  “Subin-ah…we were all very worried about you last night.”

            Subin stuck her fork into her pancakes and put the plate on her desk.  She sat beside Serri and pulled her knees up to her chin like a pouty child.  “After what Jiyul and Gaeun said, are you really so surprised by my reaction?”

            “You stormed out into the snow without a jacket in the middle of the night.”  Just the thought of Subin putting herself in so much danger made Serri angry and worried.  “Never do that again.  It’s dangerous.”

            “Don’t talk to me like that,” Subin snapped, giving Serri a livid glower.  “I’m an adult!  Besides, if Dal Shabet is falling apart, do I really need a leader telling me what to do?  Do I really need a leader giving me orders?”

            “Subin-ah!”  Serri rose up from the bed and looked down at Subin in awe.  “Have you really gone insane!  Why would you…”  She choked on the tears welling up inside her.  “Why would you say such things to me?”

            Subin’s hard glare melted into a look of regretful helplessness.  “Unnie…I…I’m sorry.”

            “Subin-ah…”  Serri turned around and headed towards the door as she broke down into a sob.

            “Unnie, wait!”

            Before she could make it to the doorway, Serri felt Subin’s long arms come up from behind her and pull her close.  As much as she hated Subin’s words, she took Subin’s arms in her hands and wouldn’t let go.

            “Please don’t leave…”  Subin buried her face in Serri’s neck, and Serri could feel her warm tears.  “Don’t leave like Viki…”

            “Subin-ah, I won’t leave you,” Serri cried, tears pouring down her cheeks.  “I won’t.”

            “But Jiyul and Gaeun…Are they really leaving?”

            “I…I don’t know.”

            “People say they won’t leave…And they leave.”  Subin struggled to pour her shaky words out of .  “We said we would be Dal Shabet forever.  And within the year, Viki left.  Didn’t she want to leave for bigger and better things?  We’re so unpopular…Isn’t there always something bigger and better than Dal Shabet?  I’ve always been afraid of this.”

            “Subin-ah, don’t think that way,” Serri begged, her own insecurities and fears causing her heart to beat harder.  “You can’t think that way.”

            “I’ve been working so hard.”  Subin sounded like an abandoned child.  “I was going to try to make everything better; I was going to try to gain us success.  Couldn’t they have waited a little longer?”

            Serri turned around and cupped Subin’s red, tearstained face in her hands.  “You have always worked so hard.  All of us have.  We can only give everything we have, and sometimes we’re called to give it to something else.”

            “Ah…”  Subin grumbled quietly like she always did when she wanted to escape her own tears.  “Unnie…was it really stupid of me to think we were forever?”

            “Subin-ah…No matter what happens, Dal Shabet will be forever,” Serri smiled softly.  “Don’t be so ominous and sad.  I know you get into these moods, but really try to be optimistic.  We’re having a meeting this afternoon to discuss everything at the company.  We’ll figure it all out there.”

            “A meeting?”  Subin closed her eyes and broke down again.  “Unnie, I can’t see them…I was so mean to them last night…I can’t believe what I said…”

            “They know you and they love you.”  Serri wiped Subin’s tears and tucked her hair behind her ears.  “No offense, Subin-ah, but we all know you get emotional very easily and say things you don’t always mean.”

            Serri felt proud as she had finally drawn a little laugh from the sorrowful Subin.  The maknae rubbed her tired eyes and took a deep breath.  “What should I say to them?”

            “Tell them you love them,” Serri suggested.  “That’s all you need to do.  Let them share their dreams with us.  Whatever we all decide on, we need to support each other so that Dal Shabet can truly be forever.”

            “I…I’ll try.”  Subin frowned at Serri and petted her head gently.  “Unnie, I’m really sorry for what I said.  You must be suffering the most in this.  You’re our leader.”

            “Don’t be concerned about me,” Serri begged.  “Listen, let’s just eat some pancakes and get ready for today.  Don’t think about it too much.  What happens today…It will happen no matter what we do.”

            “I wish that weren’t true,” Subin sighed.

            “…I know, Subin-ah.  I know.”