It’s not that Hansol is growing tired of it, not at all.

But the reason behind all the comfort and happiness and the good dizziness is what worries him. He knows it had already level up to something more dangerous a while ago. Having Seungkwan – his best friend; the one who always watched out for him, and helped him and everything him – playing with his feelings like that every time he opened the most beautiful smile at him, like Hansol was the best thing in the world; it shouldn’t be this way.

Hansol wasn’t feeling very friendly of Seungkwan for the past few days; weeks to be honest. It started after they went to film for a variety show and a remark there made him think about a hundred of little things – so little no one really paid attention to it. Not even him. Until that moment.

Seungkwan was the fondly kind. He was with every single member. He was always helping – even if he ed about it a little -; always compliment them, always with a warm hug or a kiss in the cheek he steals every now and then.

But if it was something ordinary, if it was something so mundane for Seungkwan, why Hansol’s day always became brighter when his friend ruffled his hair, or looked at him with that eye smile, or sang some lullabies when he knew Hansol was having troubles to sleep but was so shy to just go and talk to him? Why it meant so much more to him?

After that recording, back at the dorm, Hansol was thoughtful, quieter than the usual him would be after a day full of events and laughs. While the members were all together in the living room recalling the jokes and teasing each other about some cringe part of the show, Hansol was in his room with an airplane weighing on his shoulders. He could hear Seungkwan laugh, and his voice and his sassy remarks at Jun or whatever else he did. He could even hear Seungkwan’s breathe if he paid attention. From that day on, he realized he was falling for Seungkwan, his best friend.

The days after that didn’t became any easier. Seungkwan did not seemed a little bit different, he was still lovable and the best person in the world. Hansol, otherwise, was more careful. He tried to avoid that darned skinship. He tried to avoid Seungkwan cooing at him like it was a plague – it probably was, it was killing his heart. But it wasn’t that easy when they spend the whole 24 hours of the day together; when they’re so used to be around each other, to be touching and feeling each other. It was easy before, when the just friends thing was the hot topic. It’s not easy now when just the thought of Seungkwan calling him Vernonie would make him want to jump off a cliff.

He didn’t want to be the ing puppy, no! Every time Seungkwan looked at him like he was so fragile and small, like he could break, it made him angry. And he knew he should not feel this way. He wanted to be the person Seungkwan looked up to; he wanted to be the person Seungkwan could come for when he had a trouble, a doubt. He wanted to be the first person Seungkwan thinks about when he wakes up and the last he thinks of before sleep. But he could not be the man he wanted to be if Seungkwan saw him as the boy he was.

He tried to act manlier. He carried heavy things, he avoided the childish puns he would make with Joshua every now and again. He always straightened his posture when Seungkwan walked into the room. But it was in vain. Since the day of his epiphany till now Seungkwan was the same and he was the one changing, for the worst.

He really felt unease. He felt like everyone was watching him and could see how pathetic he was, how worthless. He was losing hope but he should know better than that. Rather having a friend than not having him at all.

After a busy day concerning about the whole change of hairstyles and decisions about songs and concept for the next comeback, they were all exhausted. He could see eyes dropping and some of his hyungs going to bed even before showering. But he desperately needed a bath. This day had been usual than the previous one, he was too focus on working that every time Seungkwan linked their fingers underneath the table he just intertwined them together and let the butterflies mess his stomach. He felt powerful while doing music, like every eyes in the world were on him, including Seungkwan’s – eyes who looked at him with pride and admiration. But while there he was Vernon, here he is just Hansol. And he didn’t knew if that would ever be enough.

When the last person – Joshua – had gone to bed, Hansol got up from the couch, leaving his phone on the table. He didn’t spend even 10 minutes in the bathroom; he would probably sleep in the shower if he stayed there longer. When he came back though, he did not expected to see Seungkwan – in his Thomas pajamas that made Hansol want to crush him in a bone crashing hug - sneaking into the kitchen. He followed, not making any noises, while putting his pajama shirt on. He watched, with a sad smile on his face, while Seungkwan looked so guilty for having a midnight snack. He had cut carbs for his new diet and Hansol knew how much he hated it. But Seungkwan was pretty serious when it comes to things like his image so, for him step out of his planned and pained diet, something must have happened. Seungkwan had this bad habit of eat when nervous.

Hansol took a deep breath, and walked into the kitchen, sitting on the balcony.

“Seungkwan-ah, what are you doing?” He asked, in a whisper.

He saw as Seungkwan jumped in his place, face becoming pale, like a deer caught in the spotlight.

“Ah, Hansol! You scared the living hells out of me” Seungkwan said, not looking at him.

Hansol knew he was ashamed. It was late at night; Seungkwan was expecting everyone to be sleeping.

“Why? You’re not doing anything wrong” Hansol said, eyes fixed at Seungwan’s back.

The boy then turned at him, rolling his eyes. He closed the fridge and went to sit beside Hansol at the balcony, with only the darkness of the sleeping house surrounding them.

“You know I’m on a diet. I should not be eating those things, especially at this time” It was 1am.

Hansol could see the anger slowly building up. He didn’t like the idea everybody had that Seungkwan needed to lose something. It made him mad and made Seungkwan sad. Seungkwan should never be sad.

“But I was so stressed today! Everything seems to been piling up this days, there’s so much on my mind, Hansol-ah. There’s this pressure on me for the new album, Jihoon hyung has being patient but I know he want me to handle the lyrics I was in charge. We going to start with the choreography next week and it seems so hard, I don’t know how Soonyoung hyung can do this! And there’s this new high note that seems so hard.” The boy sighed in frustration, his whispers becoming lower, voice almost failing. “And there’s you.” His voice broke this time.

Hansol looked at him – even if they couldn’t really see more than each other’s silhouettes in the dark – with wide eyes.

“What about me?”

“You’re different. You think I wouldn’t notice? You’re avoiding me Hansol, and I didn’t even know what I did.” He said, a broken voice.

“W-what? No, I’m not avoiding you. It’s just that…” Just what, thought? He didn’t have an explanation for that.

“Don’t deny it. Did I do something wrong? If yes, then a really didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.”

The usually loud and always screaming and laughing Seungkwan sounded so sad, so broken. Hansol wanted to slap himself for being the responsible for it. Hopping out the counter, he stepped in front of Seungkwan, cupping the boy’s face in his hands.

“Hey, no… there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s my fault. I was being more cautions, more defensive” He said in a whisper, feeling Seungkwan’s hand curl around his wrist.

“Why?”

He just had one answer for that.

“Because I ed up. I put myself into something so wrong… I’m the one who’s sorry”

“What for?”

“Because I fell in love” Hansol said, voice almost disappearing but loud enough for Seungkwan to hear.

Hansol watched carefully in the dark. He could hear how Seungkwan had held his breath; he could feel his little fingers tightening around him. Like he was scared.

“What’s so wrong with fall in love?” Seungkwan said, trying to sound stable.

“You. I can’t fall in love with you.” Hansol said, almost for himself.

Seungkwan spent some hours-worth seconds in silence and Hansol could just stay still, praying that he did not had screwed everything once and for all.

“Why?” Seungkwan finally said, whispering. His hands never left Hansol, though.

“Because you’re my best friend” Hansol said, leaning until their foreheads were pressed together.

He was so glad Seungkwan wasn’t mad. So, so glad.

“Then what? You’re my best friend and I fell for you so long ago” Seungkwan said, hands sliding of off Hansol’s wrists and finding his hair, griping into it.

Oh, how good it felt. How thrilling, how sweet, and dangerous and romantic. Hansol could feel the scream retreating down his throat, the fear dying in his heart. Even if his surrounds were dark, his heart was crystal clear; his eyes were probably full of colors. Love always fells this good?

“I want you to be my boyfriend, but with one condition.” Hansol said, the smile so visible in his words. The whole world would be blind at once if he could just show them how bright his eyes were, how loved.

“We’re not even dating yet and you already have conditions? Why do I do?” Seungkwan faked a sigh but nuzzled his nose into Hansol’s.

“Shut it. Go out with me tomorrow. We’re going to eat your favorite cream cheese pie.” Hansol said, fingers up and down Seungkwan’s face so slightly. Like he could disappear if he adds more pressure.

“You know I’m on a diet.” Hansol could hear the smile on Seungkwan’s whisper. Oh, he would not disappear.

“Yes. But you don’t need it, and I don’t care.”

Hansol stole a peck from Seungkwan’s lips and could feel a slightly tug in his hair as a punishment. They found each other’s arms like they were molded to fit in there. And they may be, who’s going to deny it?

Hansol could not wait for tomorrow. He would probably be shining brighter than the sun.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Just something very little and messy, i think.