Part Eleven: I Love You

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I sit on my bedside, a cup of coffee held between both of my hands. My elbows rested to my knees, the rim of my mug just grazing my bottom lip, I watch the evening turn to night. I watch as the bright sun disappears behind the mountains. My eyes pear through the pouring rain drops which fall down the glass. The colours of sunset blurring in it’s haze. It’s been a week since my birthday, since a day where I finally felt alive again, from the day I felt like I had been shot back down. Taking the last sip of my now lukewarm coffee in my mouth, and look to the side. I squint my eyes swallowing the bitter taste. My eyes trace the doors to my closet as my palms roll the mug between them. “Why?” I whisper out loud to myself. I stand taking one last look out my window before exiting my room. My thoughts tumble roughly though my mind as if I have no control over them. I lean, the heels of my hands against my kitchen counter. I close my eyes, my chin low to my chest. “Madisen” I speak unwillingly. She’s all that I’ve been thinking about, she’s all I want to be thinking about. I sigh in frustration to my own thoughts, throwing my head back I let out a scream. Before I know it, I fall to a squat, my tears already streaming down my face. “Yah!” I yell, my hands hooked over the counter, my forehead to the cupboard. “Stop it Donghyuk! Stop it!” I yell at myself. I shake myself back and forth. I stand, my hands entangled in my hair, I limply step backward until my back presses to the wall. “I’m insane! Just forget about her!” I continue yelling at myself through my heavy falling tears. “She’ll never love you! She hates you! Forget Donghyuk!” I begin sounding like a madman. “Madisen” my voice softens. “Oh Madisen” I say, my voice calm, tears still streaming down my face. I look through the watery haze in my eyes and at the mug sitting on the counter top. I smile weakly. I still love her. My heart cannot move on, it hasn’t and it never will. “I still love her” I admit to myself. My tears pour once again, and my blood begins boiling. “I love her!” I yell stepping away from the wall and wiping away my tears. I grab the mug in one hand, running my thumb over the stark white china. “Madisen!” my voice raises louder than before. I throw the mug against the wall ahead of me. I watch it shatter, shards of glass scattering over the floor. “I love you!” I continue to yell. “I love you” I drop to my knees my voice a soft hum. My breathing is heavy and laboured with tears. “I love you” my words shake. “God dammit Madisen, I love you!” I slam my hand on the floor, pieces of the mug piercing my palm. “I love you”

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