00.2

 

 

Every Sunday morning Wonshik had the habit to go to Hongbin's house.

It had been their routine ever since they were little and no obstacles, no matter how much time had brought, had succeeded in interrupting that. Moreover, Wonshik was always happy to spend more time with his playmate.

Wonshik had never raised more questions than necessary of why a bond that looked so special, almost odd, from the outside, felt instead so normal to him. Their relationship had always made sense to him and it had made sense even afterward when the truth had come to light and Wonshik had found out that his best friend was not the number zero that everyone had believed, he was instead a number two just like him.

It didn't matter, really, it didn't matter if Hongbin was zero, two, or blue, because his friend would always be the sarcastic, competitive but terribly precious Lee Hongbin he knew and he would have always loved him whatever status was written on his passport. However, his friend thought otherwise, to Hongbin it was the end of the world and since the day he had come to know the truth, things had started spiraling down and Wonshik had sworn that he would do anything it took to take him back from the labyrinth in which he had lost himself. Anything.

His grandmother was watching him over her teacup with that look that as a child, Wonshik had seen all the times he had done something wrong and he had been discovered. It wasn't exactly a look of disapproval but it was still a scary look, though, the kind of look that pierced his heart and encouraged him to spill the beans. His grandmother never got angry at him (although that time he and Hongbin had ruined the newly blooming rose garden she was really close) and they had always been close. It was rare for the two of them to disagree over a matter.

Yet on this, they would never come to an agreement.

"Are you going to Hongbin's?"

Wonshik had stopped for a moment from chewing his sandwich to watch his grandmother in the eye. They exchanged glances for a brief moment, then he nodded vigorously. His grandmother asked him that same question every Sunday even though she already knew the answer.

"Bring with you some baked cookies then," her grandmother said.

His grandmother was fond of Hongbin and she loved Sanghyuk and Hakyeon dearly as well. She treated them as if they were her own grandchildren and wanted them to be healthy and happy, the same way in which she wanted her only grandson to be. That was why she didn't understand the silence of Wonshik and neither his decision.

"I thought you made them for me," said Wonshik sulking.

His grandmother laughed lightly, "too many sweets aren't good for your health," she said. "Besides I made them with the chocolate chips and you know that those are Sanghyukkie's favorite."

Wonshik sighed dramatically even though he knew that his grandmother would have cooked him a new batch the next afternoon. She was like that, she had a big heart and was the best person Wonshik had ever known. But this time he was going to do it his own way because it was the right thing to do.

Silently, in secrecy, till the end.

After he had finished breakfast, Wonshik walked toward the bus stop to go to Hakyeon's house. It was a familiar path that put him in a good mood and it was probably his favorite stretch of road.

When he rang the bell though, he wasn't welcomed by the usual mischievous smile of Hongbin, or the bright smile of Hakyeon, but by the face of a rather sheepish Sanghyuk.

"Ah Wonshik, it took you forever," said Sanghyuk taking him by the wrist and making him hurriedly step in. Wonshik blinked, puzzled. Sanghyuk's behavior could only mean that something had happened and that made him frown. Sanghyuk must have noticed his expression turning grim then, because he tried to smile, waving a hand to minimize.

"It's nothing serious hyung, don't make that face. Hakyeon and Hongbin had one of their discussions and the result is that now they are both angry and disappointed at the same time, "

Sanghyuk said, rolling his eyes dramatically as if he couldn't understand why the adults in the house liked to be so difficult. Yet Wonshik knew that he actually had to be very worried, he could tell by the stiffness of his shoulders and the apprehensive look that his manners could not disguise.

Wonshik, with a note of nostalgia, wondered when Sanghyuk had grown so much. He remembered a little boy, skinny limbs and full cheeks. He remembered the cheerful smile that would be painted on the kid's face every time he and Hongbin invited him to join them in a game. And now instead there he was, probably the tallest of all of them, his shoulders broadened and his facial features sharpened yet still looking young but with eyes which showed a higher sensitivity than his peers. The child who was raised and taken care by everyone with great affection, had become the young adult who cared for the adults who loved.

Wonshik sighed.

"What happened?" He asked following Sanghyuk in the kitchen and putting the bag with cookies on the table. Of Hakyeon, who used to cook in the kitchen every Sunday, there was not sight. Sanghyuk however, instead of replying, as soon as he eyed the bag Wonshik had brought, decided that cookies were a better option than answering and therefore he did not say anything until he had bitten a cookie. He groaned in pleasure. Here it comes again our boy, Wonshik thought.

"It's a long story," said Sanghyuk before biting another cookie and the older knew that he would not dig anything else. Wonshik ruffled the younger's hair making Sanghyuk scoff in disapproval. The only one who could do that gesture and come out unscathed was, in fact, Jaehwan.

Wonshik decided it was time to move upstairs, to Hongbin's and Sanghyuk's bedroom. By now that was like a second home to him and he moved with great familiarity. He found Hongbin seated at his desk, going through a textbook without actually really seeing it. He paused in the doorway watching him. The bedroom of Hongbin and Sanghyuk showed the two different personalities of the two boys: there was a side where the bed was done nicely and the shelves with books were impeccably tidy, the wall full of colorful pictures and interesting articles. That was Hongbin's half; the part of Sanghyuk instead had the bed unmade, posters of celebrities were attached on the walls and old vintage CDs were piled on the nightstand next to the bed.

The house was not very big and it surely wasn't easy to not have his own room but Wonshik knew that Hongbin, despite his protests about Sanghyuk's snoring, was actually happy to share the space. They had in fact offered accommodation at the university along with a scholarship but Hongbin had not even taken the offer into consideration. At that time he said something like how annoying it would have been to move his things and that the university was not that far, it was better, then, to leave the accommodation to those who really needed it. The truth was that his attachment to the house in which he had again found peace and happiness, as well as his attachment to what he saw as a brother, were so deep that he couldn't even take into consideration the idea of leaving. Not until Sanghyuk had grown up and had decided what to do with his life and not until Hakyeon had stopped worrying always about everything and everyone.

Hongbin looked up at the sound of his footsteps and gave him a smile, hesitant and a bit weak but still genuine. Wonshik walked the few steps that separated them and sat on Hongbin's bed at the same time Hongbin turned to look at him properly. Wonshik noticed that his eyes were a bit shiny but he made no comment about it because he knew that his best friend was too proud.

"What happened?" Asked Wonshik for the second time that day, hoping that Hongbin would be more eloquent than Sanghyuk.

His friend shook his head as if he did not want to speak but then said, as if that name enclosed the whole concept, "Hakyeon." Wonshik had to stop himself from letting out a half smile.

Hakyeon and Hongbin shared a strange relationship that was not always easy. Between them, there couldn't be a father and son relationship as there was between Sanghyuk and Hakyeon. Sanghyuk had only been thirteen when Hakyeon had taken him and raised him. For Sanghyuk it was so much easier to follow the advice and teachings of Hakyeon than it would ever be for Hongbin. The latter had been young when he had crossed the threshold of the house, but he had seen enough for the innocence that Sanghyuk still had despite everything, would no longer be there. He was still young and he was certainly someone to look after lovingly, but he was also a sixteen year old with his ideas and who had made the choices of an adult already at his age. Hakyeon must have realized that with Hongbin would be different and that's why he never tried to impose on him, he resolved to stay vigilant, to give advice and to shower him with all the love he could muster.

Wonshik knew that, in turn, Hongbin was very fond of Hakyeon, much more than he would ever be able to express in words. But there was more. There was a sense of immense gratitude his friend felt for Hakyeon, not only because the older had welcomed him in his house but also for the respect Hakyeon had shown towards him, for not having wanted to change him even if he did not agree and for having always, always, taken into account his feelings. For someone who was raised in a house where for years they had trampled on them without his consent or knowledge, so cruelly, that had meant everything. However, the years had passed and even though most of Hongbin's wounds had healed, time could do nothing about the truth of his status that his friend lived with silent distress. The worst was that he didn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even with Wonshik, and the more time it passed, the more Hongbin felt decentralized and things that previously weren't considered a problem, suddenly became one, and his insecurities kept coming back with alarming pace.

"You will need to say something more, you know, I haven't developed mind reading abilities even if with you I go very close."

Hongbin rolled his eyes.

“Between the two of us the open book isn't certainly me," commented Hongbin and Wonshik had to bite his tongue to avoid the slightest sound. It hit him, then, the terrifying thought that protecting someone meant having to accept to lie to him every day.

Wonshik raised an eyebrow as if to say to Hongbin to just give up and come clean once and for all.

"Hakyeon brought a stranger in the house in the middle of a night, a drunk stranger. He needed help, he said! I know that this is technically not my house and that Hakyeon is a grown adult and can do whatever he wants, but Sanghyuk lives here and he is still a child and it could have been dangerous. I do not care if Hakyeon says Jaehwan knows him, it was probably a million years ago and people can change. I...know that very well " his friend said, clenching his fists in frustration.

"You know this is also your house and Hakyeon himself thinks of this house as his, yours and Sanghyuk's. Hakyeon is well, Hakyeon. He has a tendency to want to fix everything and everyone and I get that’s irritating, but he would never endanger you. "

"Maybe," said Hongbin not wanting to admit defeat. "But not everyone is Sanghyuk, not everyone deserves to be saved and I'm afraid that one day it will end very badly,"

Wonshik sighed. It was likely that Hongbin still felt a deep sense of guilt when it came to his situation. Hakyeon had made sacrifices to make Hongbin go to university and fix his family matters. Hongbin felt responsible and, at the same time, he believed he did not to deserved that at all. He didn't understand that love doesn’t have to be deserved, it was just given.

"I guess you didn't express the concept so kindly,"

"It can be," Hongbin admitted looking the other way. "But I'm still angry, okay? He could have told us beforehand, I don't know, ask, before deciding to do his own thing, "

Ah. It was then that Wonshik really understood the situation. He thought it was just a matter of guilt, but in fact, the problem was much deeper: the generosity of Hakyeon had inadvertently ended up undermining the fragile sense of security that Hongbin had built. It was not that he did not consider their home as his, but he had seen that gesture as an intrusion, as if with Hakyeon accepting someone new, it would eventually drive out the old. Hakyeon had surely come to that same conclusion and that was why he was hurt and angry and that stupid quarrel wasn't resolved yet. Hakyeon must have felt very angry with himself. Now he understood why Sanghyuk had been so excited to leave the buck to him. Sanghyuk never knew which parts to take when his older brother and the person who he pretty much considered a father, quarreled with each other.

"Maybe you're right, but I'm sure you know you are exaggerating. When you get angry you can be really ... "

"Mean? Hateful, terrifying? "

"I wanted to say intense," Wonshik retorted with a vague smile.

"Don't make that face. I know you're laughing at me, "

"I could never,"

Hongbin shook his head.

"Yeah I know I'll have to apologize. But not now. At the moment I'm finding it hard." Hongbin said wrinkling his nose in a funny way.

Wonshik laughed at the outraged expression of Hongbin, which earned him a punch on the arm by his best friend. Wonshik wailed in fake pain.

"Don't be a wimp, we both know it didn't hurt a bit."

Wonshik rolled on the bed pretending to be in excruciating pain. Hongbin looked at him with disdain but then a smile slowly worked his way onto his face.

"You are such a fool," he said throwing a pillow at him. Wonshik was hit in the face but it made him smile even more. He took the pillow in his arms and he slid down one the mattress till he lied on his back, staring at Hongbin upside down. Hongbin looked at him for a contemplative moment, as if he was unsure whether to resume his pretending study session or just surrender to laziness. Of course, the second option won and with a snort, he laid down beside Wonshik. The bed was too narrow for two tall guys like the two of them and their arms curled inevitably but to Wonshik it was probably the most comfortable position in the world. It reminded him of when they were little and Hongbin came to his house in search of refuge. Wonshik hoped with all his heart to be able to calm him as he was able to back then. Hongbin was the bravest person he'd ever known, but he had been fighting for so long that he was afraid that one day he would run out of energy. He would never allow that and he knew Hakyeon and Sanghyuk wouldn’t either.

He felt Hongbin trying to adjust better but then, since there was little room, he ended up turning on his side, facing Wonshik, and the latter felt suddenly warm. It was a position like any other, they had been lying like that a million times before, but ultimately it was increasingly difficult to control his reactions.

Wonshik tried to think of something else and fortunately, something that Hongbin had told him helped him.

"Wait a moment. You said Jaehwan knew this guy? "Wonshik asked in amazement. Nobody, not even Hakyeon, knew anything about the past of Jaehwan before his eighteen years. Hakyeon certainly knew something more but it was not much anyway.

"That's right. So goodbye to our theory that Jaehwan popped out from under a cabbage, "

"I always thought he had materialized from the condensation of the stratosphere," Wonshik replied thoughtfully.

"Come on, you know what the stratosphere actually is?"

"It's good to know how much faith you put into my intelligence," Wonshik said, turning slightly in turn. Hongbin was so close, so damn close that he could clearly see every detail of his face, from his dark lashes to his lips slightly chapped. He decided it was better to go back and look at the ceiling.

"Anyway, yes. This guy seems to be linked to the past of Jaehwan. And that's why Sanghyuk is not here to force me to make peace with Hakyeon. He's currently freaking out internally, " Wonshik smiled.

"Ah love. Love makes you do strange things, " Wonshik commented.

"Which is why I refuse to ever fall in love," sentenced Hongbin. Wonshik kept looking at the ceiling with great determination.

Silently, from the distance, till the end.

Wonshik thought, hoped then that the conversation was over there but a few seconds later Hongbin whispered.

"By the way. I have a favor to ask, "

Wonshik sighed internally.

 

 

 

 

Hakyeon hated arguing with the kids. He hated even more to be aware that, even if indirectly, it had been his fault. When he decided to take in Sanghyuk and Hongbin, he had promised himself to make them feel loved, always, and to give them a place they could call home. Yet Hakyeon felt he had failed. He used to say he knew all about his children, however, hadn't he just walked ungracefully all over Hongbin's feelings?

He sighed. It was yet another day at work and things at home were not yet settled. They both wanted to apologize but he didn't know how. "Didn't you think about us?” Hongbin had screamed and that question still echoed in the head.

He was deeply sorry and didn't know how to fix it. The relationship he had with his protégé was an uncommon one, and not always the easiest. His circumstances, in fact, had been very different from those of Sanghyuk, Hongbin had been older in age when Hakyeon bumped into him and, although frightened, the boy reasoned as an adult and had faced very painful things even when young, somehow miraculously managing to remain pure at heart. Hakyeon knew Hongbin was strong enough go on his path with his only resources, but the path that laid in front of him was fraught with challenges and obstacles and those were likely to hurt him even more and perhaps irreparably.

Hakyeon could not bear to see him face everything and see that everything ruin him.

So he took Hongbin with him and had never regretted having done so. Watching Hongbin satisfied and able to live his life as the best of his possibilities, it was his greatest satisfaction. But the older knew he himself was not perfect and sometimes he happened to make decisions without thinking too much about the consequences.

Hence, he could have helped Taekwoon in another way. Yet he had decided to proceed like that and it hadn't been a very happy choice.

"You know that everything will be alright," Jaehwan said making his appearance on the threshold. He looked paler than usual, his hair was a mess and he looked like he needed a good night of sleep. But he had his usual big smile on his face and he was holding two cups of steaming tea in his hands.

Hakyeon smiled in turn and took a cup of tea from his hand. Jaehwan sat beside him on the bench of the break lounge for the staff of the community center. Hakyeon felt scrutinized under the intense gaze of his friend over the cup. He tilted his head.

"I know that Binnie will forgive me, he is too good, but honestly I don't think I deserve it. I am very angry with myself and also very worried. After all this time I thought Hongbin had started to feel safe, " Hakyeon shook his head sadly. He had thought it was all right that Hongbin’s refusal to know who was his soul mate when he turned eighteen, was something that would pass, that would not undermine his security. But nothing changed and now Hakyeon could see this fear was becoming a serious issue.

"Some wounds are harder to heal, no matter how much time passes. This doesn't mean that Hongbin doesn't love you or that he doesn't think of your house as his home. But he is so young. Do you remember how we were at his age? I'll tell you how we were, we were a walking disaster. Hongbin's doing well. He will probably stumble sometimes because that is life, you know that it is inevitable, but you, me, Sanghyuk will be there for him. And Wonshik too. You know he would give an arm just to soften his fall," Jaehwan said, smiling at the thought of the young friend of Hongbin. That guy was one of the healthiest and most positive people Jaehwan had ever known, a person with his heart in the right place.

The words of Jaehwan had managed to snatch a smile from Hakyeon. They all came from different families, they had different status and God only knew whether their past were among the oddest possible, yet they were family, bound to each other like it was meant to be.

"Maybe you're right. But this doesn't mean that I shouldn't stop and think better next time "

"This won't hurt you for sure," said Jaehwan in deliberately cheeky tone, making Hakyeon laugh. He and Jaehwan had known each other for many years, since the days when Hakyeon studied dance at the Academy and Jaehwan instead was studying to become a teacher. It had been only after a while that Hakyeon had discovered the talent of Jaehwan in music and consequentially proceeded to ask Seokjin to offer him a job and luckily his friend had accepted.

Jaehwan was noisy and kind and he wasn't afraid to tell Hakyeon his opinion openly, with honesty. They had been friends for years and Hakyeon loved him a lot, yet there was a hint of sadness that occasionally peeked in his eyes and no matter how willing and generous Jaehwan was with him and his children, there was a part of his heart that had always been precluded to the others and that his friend kept hidden with violent despair, as if he feared that if someone dared to see that corner of himself, they would have left him forever.

That corner was called the past and his friend looked terrified at the thought of opening that door.

Hakyeon had hoped that with time Jaehwan would eventually open up, but the years had passed and the wall that protected that space had become thicker.

Then, all of a sudden, Hakyeon came across with Taekwoon and it had been the first light after years of fog.

"Tell me about Taekwoon," Hakyeon asked gently, hoping that his tone was soft enough. The reaction was instantaneous. Jaehwan tensed on the bench beside him, but this time Hakyeon wasn't going to let the subject drop.

Jaehwan looked around and then looked at his friend. There had to be something different in his face because for the first time Hakyeon saw his shoulders sag and saw him exhale a sigh of defeat.

"I guess you won't surrender this time, right?" Jaehwan said resignedly. "Taekwoon had too much of an impact for you to pass up this time," he continued with a surge of humor. Hakyeon opened his mouth in shock.

"It is absolutely not true! I tried to make you talk for years and I was dying to drown you with questions, but you've always been terribly good at dodging them! It's not only about Taekwoon! " Exclaimed Hakyeon outraged and that seemed to amuse Jaehwan.

"I know, I was just kidding." His friend granted. However, they both knew very well that Taekwoon was someone who Hakyeon could never ignore because Hakyeon had done so, he had too big of a heart that seemed to have endless space to put in more people to love. And if there was nothing that would attract more Hakyeon that was the pain of the others. Because there had been a moment in his life when he had found himself broken but someone had helped him and this had made the difference.

Jaehwan closed his eyes. Probably there was no better person for Taekwoon than having Hakyeon in his life, but he also knew that his friend had the habit to lose his heart very easily and it did not help at all that Taekwoon was also his type. Moreover, the last time he had seen Taekwoon, Jaehwan had known him a happy number two.

"Taekwoon was my classmate in high school. We lost contact after graduation. I haven't seen him since then, " Jaehwan said with a sad smile on his lips. Hakyeon wanted to protest because those few words could not even minimally cover everything he wanted to know. If they had lost contact like people normally do when they grew up why Jaehwan had that face and why it looked like he hadn't slept well because of this?

"I don't know what happened to him, seeing him like that shocked me greatly. The last memory I have of him was of a happy Taekwoon, "concluded Jaehwan.

"Time can play tricks on people and this is not a nice world, "Hakyeon said, averting his eyes and staring at the wall.

"I hope he's okay," He said after a while. Wherever Taekwoon was, Hakyeon hoped he was managing to get on to his feet even if he wasn't going to see him ever again.

"I hope so too."

 

 

 

Hakyeon had sent Jaehwan at home and had taken charge of closing the center with the excuse that he had to remain till late to review some documents. His friend looked so tired he seemed about to fall at any moment and Hakyeon for once hadn't been so eager to go home. Coward, he told himself, but it was true. If there was one thing he was afraid of, it was disappointing the kids.

So, he stayed till late, trying to buy time and maybe find the right words to apologize and at the same time to reassure Hongbin.

He was peacefully browsing through some documents then, engrossed with his task, when sudden dull sound pierced the quiet of the evening. Hakyeon stayed startled for a moment then like in autopilot he ran toward the source of the noise, his heart beating a thousand a mile. A spray can hit the atrium window and ended up crashing the glass like a rocket and collided with the inside wall. Hakyeon sighed, he did not understand why some people could be so much against the center, they weren't doing anything bad, they were just a school. However, as unfortunate as it was, the episode was by no mean an isolated one and would have ended with yet another call to the police if it weren't for the voices he heard coming from the street. One of these voices was eerily similar to that of his Hongbin.

Without a second thought Hakyeon ran outside, rushed into the street, oblivious to the fact that he had only a pen as a weapon because the most important thing was to reach Hongbin. He saw some figures escape and dash in front of him. With a pounding heart, he turned the corner, afraid of what he could find.

Hongbin was in the middle of the lane, he had unkempt hair and he looked a bit scared but he seemed at first glance, in excellent health. Hakyeon flung himself on him, though, to make sure he was in one piece, hands resting on his cheeks moving his head in search of scratches.

"Hongbin are you okay? For heaven's sake, tell me you're okay! What were you doing here at this time of the day and why you didn't tell you were coming!” Hakyeon started to say fussing like a mother.

"Hakyeon I'm fine, I'm in one piece," said Hongbin escaping his attention but not unkindly. "Thanks to him, though. Maybe it's best if you take a look at him, hyung."

It was then that Hakyeon saw another figure on the sidelines, who was leaning against the wall not illuminated by the streetlight. He had a bruise on his jaw and rivulets of blood that dripped from his right temple, but he looked more sober than Hakyeon had ever seen him and also more alive.

Hakyeon approached him as if he could not believe he was meeting him again. He immediately closed the distance between them, concerned painted on his features, then using the sleeve of his sweater, he tried to stop the blood of the man's wound.

Taekwoon shivered as someone who was not accustomed to human touch since forever.

But he didn't run away.