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‘I can’t live without you.’

‘I can’t live without you.’

‘I can’t live without you.’

Jungkook thought over and over again as he was pacing up and down in his room. He had both his hands in his hair, grabbing it tightly and pulling at it. He sometimes suddenly shook his head in the hope he would wake up and everything was just a bad dream. At some point he didn’t even notice himself shaking his head or pulling on his hair anymore, it instantly had become some kind of a habit. His mind was occupied by the words and a few times his thoughts would drift from the words themselves to the memories of a few days ago. Every time that happened, no matter where his eyes looked at, he suddenly saw blood and within that blood would lay blue petals of forget-me-not. They would be drifting on top of the blood, some even stained by the red fluid. It didn’t only creep him out, no, it constantly made him feel worse and worse. Each time his mind showed him the blood and the petals the guilt would grow within him. And each time he would fall down onto his knees, coughing up yellow petals of a primrose. He knew what he had gotten himself into. He knew it was painful. He knew he deserved it. He knew he was too bad.

“Please don’t leave me. Save me.” Jungkook muttered to himself as he stared down at the yellow petals, mesmerized by the vibrant color. He felt his head spinning, the room starting to turn. He fell down onto his left side with a loud ‘thud’, however, he didn’t feel the impact of the fall at all. He felt numb, his whole body felt numb. However, the guilt inside him grew with every passing second. Again, he knew he deserved it. He knew he had to suffer for each day that he had hurt his hyung. He hated the pain, but at the same time he welcomed it. He deserved to feel the same pain he had caused to his hyung, Jimin.

As he lay on the ground, not able to get up, not even wanting to, he remembered the evening a few days ago. The day which had changed everything and eventually opened his eyes. Yes, he had known all this time along that he was playing, toying with Jimin. Yes, he knew he had hurt the older, sometimes more than he actually had intended to. But Jimin had never ever said a word, had never told him to stop, never, and so Jungkook figured it was okay for him to hurt the person he loved the most. Love. Yes, he loved Jimin with all his heart, probably always had, but he had been too blind to see it, too stubborn to give in to the feelings slowly welling up inside him every time he would lay eyes on the older. Every time the older would smile at him. Every time the older would praise him or would even just talk to him. Every time Jimin’s eyes would grow into little crescents. Jungkook had been too stubborn, too egoistic. He had had his way with Jimin in any way that pleased him, because he knew Jimin would never leave him alone, because Jimin would always love him. Well, at least that’s what he had thought.

He had been hurting Jimin for months, probably even years, beginning at the day they got to know each other. He had pushed him away even though he had seen the longing feelings lingering within Jimin, only visible if one would look close enough into Jimin’s eyes. Jungkook had always known, had always been able to tell and yet he had just gone with it like it was nothing.

That evening the pain had taken its toll on Jimin. That evening Jimin almost died and that evening Jungkook almost lost the dearest person in his life. That evening the guilt had started to take over Jungkook’s body, because he had known from the moment they had found Jimin in the bathroom, surrounded by thousands of blue petals, that he had been the one slowly killing Jimin. Of course he hadn’t had a clue about Jimin’s sickness. He had had no idea that Jimin was suffering so badly, but in the end Jungkook should have known that it was possible. After all he had known how much Jimin had loved him. He had known and still he had tried to torture him, kill him, even if he hadn’t meant to.

He wasn’t good for Jimin. He only caused his hyung pain. Though, Jungkook loved him, more than anything. He knew he shouldn’t since his love for Jimin seemed to be the elder’s downfall. Jungkook graved for Jimin, graved for the elder’s love. Jungkook wanted to give him everything, and yet the only thing he was ever able to give the elder was pain, well, and a few-days-stay at the hospital. In the end Jimin knew that he was too good for Jungkook’s . In the end Jimin opened his eyes and understood. In the end he got rid of the feelings he had kept within himself for Jungkook and was finally free. Now it was Jungkook’s turn to suffer. The only exception was that there was no way out for him.

ㅡ

Jungkook still lay on the floor, staring down at the wooden tiles. He hadn’t moved for what felt like an eternity. He had no idea how late it was or how long he really lay there. He sighed deeply as the silence slowly started to freak him out. He got up from the floor and slowly made his way over to the door. After he opened it and walked outside, he made his way to the kitchen to get some water. On his way to the kitchen he stopped in the living room, looking around. He was alone, the only one left in the dorm. It was so, so quiet. The others had decided to check up on Jimin once again, wishing for him to finally wake up. Jungkook refused to go with them, otherwise the guilt would probably have killed him in an instant the moment he would have laid eyes on Jimin. After all Jimin was there because of him.

Yesterday, one of the doctors had told them that Jimin would soon wake up and to be honest, that moment was probably the most beautiful one in his life. Jimin was alive and would soon be healthy again. Jungkook remembered the way a smile had formed on his face. And in an instant, reality had hit him, hard. Jimin would be okay and soon he would be back again. Jungkook had no idea how he was supposed to act around the older, if he should actually talk to him and apologize, or if he should simply shut up and leave the older alone. Well, if Jimin would still have his feelings for Jungkook Jimin would never be mad at Jungkook for long. Of course, Jungkook would have apologized at some point, but he knew Jimin would just act as if it was no big deal. But now since Jimin got his feelings removed, who would know how Jimin would react? Who would know how Jungkook was supposed to act around him? And who would know what would happen to them?

To be honest, Jungkook was afraid of the moment Jimin would return.

Jungkook kept looking around the empty room. He then sighed and finally made his way over to the kitchen. As soon as he arrived he got himself a glass of water, which he gulped down in one go. He then put the glass into the sink, looking around the kitchen. ‘Maybe I should eat..’ he thought to himself, but froze in his spot as he heard the front door being opened and then closed. Panic started to well up inside him. What if they already returned? What if Jimin already returned? He wasn’t ready! He wasn’t yet able to face the one he had hurt so badly. Jungkook tried to listen if there were any more noises, but there weren’t. Maybe, it had been just his imagination that wanted to freak him out. Jungkook once again shook his head slightly. Maybe he was still lying on the floor in his room and he was just dreaming? Well, what a boring dream. However, he didn’t wake up and so he had to face the fact that it was all just reality.

He slowly walked over to the door, looking around, checking if anybody was in the living room. Maybe one of the others had forgotten to take something with him to the hospital. However, there was nobody in the living room and furthermore the dorm was completely quiet. Jungkook took a deep breath in, daring to step out of the kitchen in order to run over to his room. And so he did. He run over to his room, just to freeze in the hallway once again.

He stood there frozen. He had no idea where to run, there was simply no exit. There, at the other side of the hallway stood Jimin, alone, panting as if he had run a marathon. Jungkook felt the need to flee into his room, but well, he couldn’t. Jimin stood there, right at his door as if he had been checking on him, as if he would have wanted to make sure that Jungkook was okay. Hope bloomed in Jungkook, but as soon as he thought: ‘why should he?’ the hope within him died down, leaving nothing than emptiness and the graving for the elder’s love. But there was no love. Jungkook had made Jimin take the surgery, made him remove his feelings.

“J-Jimin.” He muttered as he noticed the elder staring right into his eyes. He couldn’t keep himself from staring back. However, it was different than all those times before. ‘Of course it is. There’s nothing left.’ Jungkook thought, feeling the guilt welling up inside him once again. Suddenly he noticed the way Jimin came closer and Jungkook’s world started to turn once again. With every step Jimin took towards him Jungkook seemed to fall a little bit further down onto the floor, well, if that was even possible. His legs simply gave in more and more with every step Jimin made. And the moment Jimin stood right in front of him Jungkook was already kneeling on the floor, still staring up into Jimin’s empty eyes. Jimin stared back down at him, his face like a mask, emotionless. Jungkook didn’t know why he knew, but he simply knew at that moment Jimin asked himself why he was there, why he was looking down at Jungkook, why he had come here at all. Jungkook understood, Jimin didn’t.

Jungkook knew Jimin was simply used to look after Jungkook all the time, even now that there were no feelings left for the younger. Obviously at that very moment Jimin had to face reality as well as Jungkook had to a few days ago. Jungkook lowered his gaze to the ground, not able to look into the elder’s eyes any longer. He just hoped Jimin would get used to their new reality as soon as possible. Maybe, just maybe Jungkook would then be able to spend his last few days together with Jimin in peace and happiness. At that thought he smiled slightly before the world around him turned dark and he fell down to the floor. He simply wasn’t as strong as Jimin.

ㅡ

He slowly opened his eyes, but as soon as he did he regretted doing so. The light of the day flooded the room through the window, causing the room to seem much brighter than it really was. Jungkook closed his eyes tightly, pulling the blanket over his head in order to protect himself from the light of day. He wanted to stay hidden there forever, if there wasn’t that beautiful chuckle he had learned to love so dearly years ago. He then noticed the blanket slowly being pulled down, away from his face. And then Jungkook was faced with the most beautiful human being on earth. Jimin was smiling at him a gentle smile and Jungkook simply didn’t know what to do. Or what to say. So he simply waited.

“Kookie~ you finally woke up.” Jimin stated, still smiling and sounding overly excited. Jungkook frowned, not able to understand what was happening and for a split second he dared to think that it all had just been another dream. However, that second was crushed as Hoseok suddenly walked into the room with his hands full of yellow petals. Jungkook sighed heavily. Hoseok walked up to Jungkook’s bed, looking down at him worriedly.

“Kookie, you really worried us!” Hoseok stated, smiling at him, but one could still see the worry in the elder’s eyes. Jungkook just looked at him, and then he looked over at Jimin who was still watching him, still smiling. Jungkook slowly sat up, still not speaking. ‘What is this?’ he asked himself, not able to understand what was going on. “Well, Kookie, I believe your throat is sore from all the coughing and petal-stuff, however, we do have to talk about this.” Hoseok then added and smiled an encouraging smile. Jungkook blinked a few times before he looked back at Jimin who obviously noticed the turmoil within him.
“Aish, hobi hyung! He just woke up. Give him some time to breathe. We can talk about this later.” Jimin then suggested, wanting to help Jungkook out of his misery. Hoseok nodded and simply left the room without another word, however, he stopped at the door frame.
“Well, okay, but Jinnie hyung is kinda going crazy out there. You know, because our maknae is in pain. I have no idea how much longer Namjoonie is going to be able to hold our mama back.” Hoseok added with a chuckle and then finally left, leaving the two of them alone, closing the door behind him.

Jungkook sighed heavily as Hoseok was finally gone, but then he remembered that he wasn’t alone. He took a quick look at Jimin, just to find the older watching him again, but this time there seemed to be something else in his eyes. Jimin seemed to be lost.
“H-hyung? H-how are you feeling?” Jungkook dared to asking, wishing with every part of his own being that he and Jimin would be able to act ‘normal’ around each other. Jimin raised his head a little.
“Well, I’m good. Haven’t been feeling that well in a pretty long time, honestly.” Jimin said blandly. At that Jungkook’s insides started to squeeze together and he suddenly felt sick. Then the guilt flooded back into his entire body and he just wanted to get up and flee. Jimin, however, obviously had been able to read everything in the younger’s eyes. “Listen kookie, don’t blame yourself.” Jimin then hurried to add. Jungkook was already in the process of getting out of his bed in order to flee to the bathroom, but once again he froze at Jimin’s words.
“Wait. What!?” Jungkook asked in disbelief, staring at his hyung with wide open eyes. Jimin simply looked at him, smiling a little smile. Jungkook, however, was lost, not able to understand why Jimin would say something like that.

“Why would you say that!? I hurt you! I hurt you so bad, and yet here you are, forgiving me like nothing ever happened!” Jungkook suddenly shouted at the older, rage taking over his body this time instead of guilt. The rage was mainly directed at himself, but at that moment he couldn’t stop himself from being angry at Jimin as well. How could the older just forgive him? How could he possibly do that? Was he really that used to forgiving Jungkook simply everything that he just could forgive him that easily? Jungkook was honestly shocked at that, and damn angry. He was almost furious. Right now he wished that Jimin would have screamed at him before, or at least told him to ing watch what he was doing.

Jimin, who was a little taken aback, blinked at the younger, who had screamed at him for the very first time ever. However, Jimin was also surprised by himself. There was nothing, simply nothing. He didn’t feel anything by the younger’s action. Usually he would have been in pain. Eventually he would have left the room, thinking about what he had done and in the end acting as if Jungkook would have never shouted at him. But this time it was so very different. Jimin was only surprised, there was no pain. And at that he started to feel cold, colder than he had ever felt before. And so damn empty. H