In the morning, Jaehyun wakes up and sees there’re a lot of bruises, love bites to be exact, on his forearms again.

It’s the second time. The first one gave him a lot of confusions, but this time he’s only curious.

He’s curious why he desperately wants to remember who gave him that marks! There’s this strange feeling tickles inside him, giving him the false sensation such as jealousy.

Why should he feel jealous of someone he couldn’t even remember?! Heck! He even still has no idea of who did this! Jay? Jaeyook?

The bruises don’t look like it’s forced. “Maybe Jay has a lover? Maybe Jay has stopped being a playboy and finally found the one?”

Jaehyun frowns deeply, doesn’t like the idea, at all!

How come his alter ego had found the one, meanwhile he never has any experience in love?!

Jaehyun groans as he buries his face on the pillow. He feels pathetic.

“Damn it! I envy Jay, someone who’s not real for having more experiences and maybe have a better life than me?! Great, Jaehyun. You’re just great.” He feels like punching himself on the face.

Jaehyun traces the bruises with his fingers. It happens again. Those weird sensations, as if someone had lit the fireworks and made him see the beautiful colors and lights on the night sky, feeling warm, safe, and loved.

Jaehyun shakes his head. No way!

He’s not jealous because of someone, whoever he/she is who had given him these marks, is he?

As if Jaehyun wished he’d take Jay’s place and be marked by that someone! That’s really disgusting!

How could he yearn for an unknown someone?!

Jaehyun is wondering, is it possible to share the feeling with his alter- ego? Maybe he could feel what Jay feel, and vice versa?

Jaehyun nods. “It’s the only logical explanation, I think.”

Its absurd how could he feels that he is loved by someone whenever he looks at those love bites, meanwhile he has no idea who’s that someone is!

“It’s Jay. It’s because of Jay. It’s because our feeling is connected. Right? It’s because Jay loves that someone and he/she loves Jay back. Right?”

Jaehyun takes a mental note to himself to ask about this matter to his therapist, Kim Jae Joong, later on their therapy session.

Jaehyun frowns. He feels like it’s been centuries since the last time he did the therapy. He had lost the count, how many times since he always wakes up to his another alter ego instead of himself? It’s been too frequent, having no memories for days. He knows it’s because of his alter egos.

His alter egos had showed up more often than before, and it’s scaring him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dissociation : The splitting off of clusters of mental contents from conscious awareness. Dissociation is a mechanism central to dissociative disorders. The term is also used to describe the separation of an idea from its emotional significance and affect, as seen in the inappropriate affect in schizophrenia. Often a result of psychic trauma, dissociation may allow the individual to maintain allegiance to two contradictory truths while remaining unconscious of the contradiction. An extreme manifestation of dissociation is dissociative identity disorder, in which a person may exhibit several independent personalities, each unaware of the others.

Taeyong stops reading the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) e-book on his laptop, thinking hard. Jay knows about Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White. Is it a bad sign? Or maybe a good sign? Who knows, maybe it’s a part of the therapeutic process?

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Diagnostic Criteria

A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption in identity involves marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.

B. Recurrent gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events that are inconsistent with ordinary forgetting.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice. Note: In children, the symptoms are not better explained by imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

E. The symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g.,blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

“Wow, man, that’s hard!”

Taeyong closes his laptop as soon as he hears Ten’s voice behind him. The Thai boy only gives Taeyong the confused look as he takes a seat next to Taeyong, but a second later a playful smile plasters on his cute face. “It’s not like you’re watching .”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “Of course no! Duh! I’m not Chittaphon Leechaiyakul, who loves watching anywhere!”

Ten giggles, his eyes turn crescent. “So, tell me, are you still persistent making the DID as your project?”

Taeyong nods. “Mmmm.” He hums, eyes twinkling with excitement.

 “Dude, that’s hard! I still don’t understand why Professor Kim wants us observing the interventions too, though it’s only for some sessions, and then making a plan of the treatment, then consulting it to our supervisor. It’s not like we’re taking the clinical psychology! It’s just the abnormal psychology class for ’s sake!”

Taeyong shrugs. “It doesn’t matter for me. You know Ten? I want pursuing a career as a clinical psychologist.” Taeyong’s eyes lit up.

Ten frowns. “I thought you’re still into the child developmental psychology?”

Taeyong nods. “Yes.” He says softly. “But… I don’t know. Clinical psychology sounds fun.”

Or maybe someone makes it fun. Taeyong thinks. It’s annoying when he realizes that he doesn’t have enough knowledge of how to handle Jaehyun’s case. So he thinks maybe he’d continue his study, takes the specialty in the clinical psychology later in a post graduate school.

“How about you? What would you do after you graduate?”

Ten shrugs. “Still figures it out.”

“Ten, we’re already in our 4th year! Next semester we’d do our research, and then…”

“Tae, not everyone has the privilege learning what they love. And not everyone had planned their future like you.”

Taeyong’s eyes soften. “I become an again, don’t I?”

Ten giggles. “Oh, you are always an . The annoying genius !”

Taeyong laughs along. It’s always nice letting himself feeling free, without any burden, like this. Ten could always manage to pull him out of his shell.

“Johnny invites us to his birthday party at the downtown bar tonight. I expect you to come this time. Let’s have fun!”

Taeyong’s expression turns dark. “I don’t know, Ten. Mr.X may need me. Sometimes…. he came.” Taeyong should not reveal the client’s identity. It’s confidential.

Ten rises one of his brows. “To your uncle’s clinic? Or your place?”

“My place.”

“Holy ! Are you not afraid of him?”

Taeyong shrugs. “Why should I?”

“One of his identities might try to harm you!”

Jay would never harm me. Jaeyook? Yoonoh? White? They’re harmless. They even can’t hurt an ant! Taeyong thinks. He shook his head. “He won’t.”

“How many alter ego he has?”

“4.”

Ten gives Taeyong the knowing look. “So far 4. “ He emphasizes the word. “You do realize that it’s possible for another identity, the new one, the unidentified one, will make an appearance, right? And that’s what make the DID patients dangerous. Okay, one of the reasons that make them dangerous. I believe I don’t have to tell you anymore about it.”

Taeyong smiles, somehow proud of his best friend. Even though Ten declares many times that he hates studying psychology as it is not what he wants, not his passion, not his dream, but Ten manages to always remember what had been taught, though his GPA is just so so, blame him and his laziness in  doing assignments!

“I haven’t heard about your client, Ten.” Taeyong tries to divert Ten’s attention.

Ten heaves a deep sigh. “A woman. In her 50s. Bipolar I disorder, manic-depressive. ! It’s scary as hell when she got the manic episode! I wish I got the bipolar II disorder client instead, but…” Ten shrugs.

Taeyong pats Ten’s back brotherly. “So, you did the observation. I thought you’d just copy paste your father’s journal without observing the client directly like what you’ve said last month?”

“He found out I’d cheat when I searched for his old journals in his room, threatening me to tell it to Professor Kim. The hell! I don’t want to retake any of Professor Kim’s classes! No! Not again ever! Remember when I failed his class last year? Industrial psychology? Damn! His owl scary eyes were always set on me through the lessons! What’s scarier? He gave me twice amount of the homework! Well, excuse me, I repeat his class not because I’m craving for his oh-so-lovely-perfectionism! I couldn’t count anymore how many times he scolds me during the lessons and presentations. You know how sharp his mouth is. The 1st year students would cry for sure because of the way he teaches!”

Taeyong laughs. “Professor Kim is a genius! Just be honest, he is the most genius professor in our department, even though the way he teaches is not acceptable for the majority of the students. Oh, I think it’s not only the 1st year student who’d cry. I remember you cried too when he scolds you and calls you names during your presentation about Carl Jung at the personality psychology class in our 3rd semester!”

“I hate you and your good memory!” Ten rolls his eyes.

“You’re welcome.” Taeyong grins playfully.

 Ten sighs. “Knowing how scary professor Kim is, makes me grateful for having my father as my father.”

“! I have your father class in 10 minutes! He’s always punctual! Even coming 5 minutes or more before the class is started! I gotta go!”

Ten put his hand on Taeyong’s shoulder. “Relax. He won’t come, still having a seminar in Tokyo University, but his assistant will.”

Taeyong frowns. “Your father doesn’t have an assistant.”

Ten smirks. “You’re looking at him right now.”

“YOU? No way! No ing way!”

Ten laughs. “Yeah, I’m not. I’m just a courier delivering his notes. He’d just give you an assignment for next week.” Ten never takes his father’s classes because he thinks it’s weird, plus he wants to avoid the rumor. ‘If I got a good grade, people would think it’s because the lecturer is my dad!’  At that time Taeyong just laughed it off, knowing Ten inside out, it’s not the actual reason. Ten only doesn’t want his father monitoring him about the subjects at their home too. So, Ten always choose another professor, even though it makes him separated with Taeyong and couldn’t copy Taeyong’s homework.

Taeyong sighs in relieved. “Alright.”  But he still puts his laptop and book into his bag.

“Where’d you going?”

“Class.” Taeyong’s voice sounds as if he’s saying ‘of course class, you !’

Ten chuckles softly. “You could just ask me about the assignment, you know? Why bother going to class? Because of the attendance? Tae, I have the attendance form with me! Tell me again why I love being best friends with a straight-A student!”

Taeyong smirks. “Because I’m hot.”

“And the cocky one, sadly.” Ten’s smile gets wider.

Taeyong laughs as he grabs Ten’s hand. “Come on assistant! Let’s go to our class. I want to see you act as your father’s assistant.”

Ten hits Taeyong’s shoulder. “Silly. I won’t say anything in front of the class.”

“Then how do you explain the assignment?”

“I just need to show the notes. That’s all. Your class’s leader could handle it.”

Taeyong groans. “It’s not fun! Come on Ten, I want to see you talk in front of the class as if you’re a lecturer. It must’ve been fun!”

Ten shakes his head. He knows, Taeyong says it to encourage him facing his fear. Yes, even though Ten is really talkative in front of Taeyong and his other friends, actually Ten has the severe anxiety whenever he have to talk in front of many people. He’s better now, but still… if he could, he’d prefer to not talking in front of many people.

Ten links his arm around Taeyong’s, walking side by side to Taeyong’s next class, multicultural psychology. “Let me enjoy my free time, Tae. I don’t have any classes until later, at 3 pm. Oh! I haven’t finished my chapter report for the positive psychology class! Which is reminding me why I came to the library! I know you’d be there. Let me copy yours!”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “What’s your reason now, Chittaphon? Pokemon go? Or binge watching drama? Or getting wasted at the bar?”

Ten laughs as he shakes his head. “Nope. It’s because of Hansol hyung, my cousin. He talked to me nonstop last night about his boyfriend. I swear, Tae, I intended to do my homework last night! Honest.” Ten pouts, blinking his eyes several times, making cute faces, but Taeyong still doesn’t say anything nor reacts to any of Ten’s cute efforts, so Ten adds. “Based on what my cousin said, I suspect his boyfriend has a mental disorder. Schizophrenia, maybe? But I know it’s too early to say. Who am I making such diagnose just based on a story and not a direct observation?! So, I suggested him to make a consultation with a psychologist, or a psychiatrist even better, so his brain’s structure could also be examined. Because hallucinations and delusions are not only the schizophrenic’s symptom. Also, who am I? Just a lazy- student who doesn't master psychology. We have to be careful about the diagnoses.”

“Tell him to come to my uncle’s clinic.”

Ten grins as he pokes Taeyong’s waist lightly. “Eeey, making a promotion.” Ten shakes his head. “Hansol hyung and his boyfriend live in Paris, Tae.”

“Oh.”

“Does your uncle only have a few clients lately?”

Taeyong nods. “Yeah, I want diverting his focus on Jae- I mean Mr.X.”

Ten furrows his brows, but he doesn’t say anything.

Taeyong curses himself silently in his head for almost saying Jaehyun’s name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s scary how Taeyong feels too attached to Jaehyun, or maybe to Jaehyun’s alter egos. Just like tonight, he’s wondering why White, or Jaeyook, or Yoonoh, or Jay still not have come to Taeyong’s home. Usually, every night, one of Jaehyun’s alter egos comes to Taeyong’s place. Jaehyun’s alter ego, not the real Jaehyun! The real Jaehyun still never shows himself up in front of Taeyong. It’s a big question for Taeyong, he’s been dying to know the reason, and he’s been searching for the answers through Jaehyun’s alter egos who seem to know more about Jaehyun’s past than Jaehyun himself. He’s still got nothing though. There’s no lead to their connection in the past except for what Jay said that day.

“Because I thought those bastards brought you and Yuta to France.”

“My younger brother.”

“Or maybe he’s older? I don’t know. I don’t remember well. But I do remember Yuta loves wearing the cherry earrings. You often , you !”

After that day, no matter how hard Taeyong tries to dig into Jay’s past deeper, Jay never let him. Jay has been building the high invisible walls around him, camouflaging those walls as some silly jokes whenever Taeyong tries to crack through them.

Yuta. That’s the only lea