My friend once asked me, “How much can a person bottle inside his or her heart before all the truths leak through into open air… for the world to know?”

 I didn’t know how to answer the question, for I didn’t know what were truths and what were lies – nor did I find meaning in a useless organ – the heart.

※  ※  ※

You returned to SPY Headquarters the morning after your long breakdown.  A feeling of nausea and fatigue rambled its way throughout your body.  You felt weak and tired, but deep down you knew you had no right to show your pain.  With a forced on smile, you entered your leader’s room, apologizing for your delayed return.  You could sense his displeasure by the look in his eyes.  Eyes were the absolute number one betrayers of any living organism – any…except for assassins.  Momentarily, you struggled to figure out why Leader had shown you his discomfort.  It was new to you.  Sure, Leader always treated you differently from the rest of the organization – but emotions were something forbidden to all. 

“You caught that, didn’t you?” he spoke, breaking the silence.

You nodded, a little reluctant to bluntly tell him your concerns.  However, your curiosity got the better of you, and for the first time you questioned your leader.  He laughed, shaking his head.

“________, do you know what the purpose of our eyes and lips are?” Leader asked, with a smile.

“No purpose,” you immediately answered.

“What about the heart?” he questioned, with a serious tone. 

No purpose.  You opened your lips to reply, but you didn’t know what to say.  The heart did have a purpose.  It’s just that you didn’t know what the purpose was.  In fact, it was rare for you to even think about the topic.  Suddenly, you could hear a “thump thump” rhythm.  It was loud and tense – piercing your ears every second that passed.  Unintentionally, your hand had made its way to your chest.  Thump. Thump.  Thump.  But I am an assassin. 

“No purpose,” you finally answered.  No purpose…none.

“Good.  I thought you had forgotten what I had taught you.  You are property of SPY – property of mine.  I tell you to live – you live.  I tell you to steal – you steal.  I tell you to kill – you kill.  I tell you to die – you die,” he yelled, slamming the table. 

Your eyes widened.  Leader knew something. 

“GET OUT!” he hollered, throwing a manila folder at you. 

You felt a shudder run down your spine.  Hesitantly, you leaned over and picked up the folder before leaving.  For the next five minutes, you allowed yourself to digest Leader’s sudden temper.  You knew he found out about something – but it killed you to guess what it was. Confusion was murdering the small life you had – it chewed up the last pieces of your consciousness.  You felt worried – and disgusted – and sad – and happy – a mix of emotions.  Assassin – no emotions.  You knew you needed to suppress your emotions, but you couldn’t. Sure, you could act dead on the outside, but deep down…somewhere…you knew you possessed emotions. 

“_______,” a calm voice called.

You didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.  Only two people called you by your birth name – Leader and Park Chanyeol. 

“Chanyeol,” you identified.

“You all right?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Do you know why Leader was so angry?” you questioned, walking side by side with him.

“Yeah, some what.  Before you came home this morning, Yoobin went into Leader’s room.  After that, I never saw her again,” Chanyeol informed. 

Home.  What a joke. 

“She got trashed?” you asked bluntly.

“Guess so,” Chanyeol sighed.

“Who was her target?”

“Kim Seyu.”

“The police?”

“Yeah, heard she’s pretty darn hot,” Chanyeol laughed.

You glared at him, “You wanna die that badly?”

“I was just kidding, I only have eyes for you,” he chuckled.

Eyes.  What are they for?

You remained quiet, all too used to Chanyeol’s personality.  In fact, you learned to never take him seriously.  Sometimes you wondered how he managed to stay so optimistic when he was also an assassin.  You didn’t understand.  But somehow, every time he was on a mission, his attitude would change.  He’d turn ice cold. 

Wordlessly, you leaned in to hug him.  He gave you a small chuckle as he played with your hair.  Burying your head into his chest, you began to cry. 

“Aigoo,_______ah.  Shh,” he hushed, pulling you into your room and locking the door. 

Right, assassins = no emotions.

“What happened last night?  Whom am I killing?” he questioned, bringing you into his arms again.

Choking from tears, you stuttered, “I-I killed a baby.  She was so young – so cute – so pure.  I tried to touch her, but I couldn’t!  I let her go.  I-.”

Before you could say anymore, you felt warm lips gently place onto your forehead. 

Through out these years, you have earned many enemies.  You had enemies from SPY – from your targets’ families – and from cops – but you had Chanyeol.  He was the only reason you wanted to live.  Every time you were in need of help, he’d be there…you knew he l-loved you.  You knew it – but you couldn’t…bring yourself to love him the way he deserved to be loved. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I know…” you choked on your tears.

You loved the way he your hair.  It made you feel like a baby.  You loved the way it felt when you hugged him.  You loved the way he kissed your forehead.  You loved the way he smiled.  You loved the way he looked at you with those caring eyes.  You loved the way he always tried to make you laugh.  You loved the way he would go against the whole SPY Organization just because one brat called you a “”.  You loved his devotion to you.  But you couldn’t love him – and you hated yourself for not being able to do so. 

“Sor-,” you began but were cut short.

He placed his lips on top of yours.  It lasted a mere two seconds, and for those two seconds you froze like a statue.  You were surprised at the contact, but you weren’t annoyed by it.  Chanyeol gave you a sad smile, kissed your forehead again and began to leave.  You watched silently, begging yourself to move to stop him, but you didn’t.  Instead he stopped, inches from the door and turned around to look at you.

“Never say sorry to me.  I feel blessed just to be here with you,” he said sincerely, “I’ll make you a glass of warm milk so you’ll sleep better.”

I love you.  Say it.  Say it.

“I can’t,” you whispered to yourself.

Sighing, you shook your head and picked up the manila folder that Leader had given you.  Inside were pictures of a blue crystal called MIDNIGHT.  It was being displayed at the Crystal Museum this morning.  Quickly, you scanned for the time schedules. Your eyes widened.  The museum displays it at ten.  Since you were to steal the crystal before the actual display, you had less than two hours to prepare. 

Jumping from your bed, you ran over to your closet for a new set of clothes.  Black.  Black.  Black.  Hah.  You laughed inwardly at your selection.  For the first time, you realized the only color in your world was black.  It wasn’t your favorite color – you didn’t have one.  In fact, you couldn’t have one when you were only exposed to one color 24/7.  With a sigh, you began to change into your black top and black pants.  As you fastened your weapons onto your belt, you carefully reread the information in the manila folder.  As soon as you were ready, you set your timer on before storming to your door. 

But you froze in place.

Never say sorry to me.  I feel blessed just to be here with you,” he said sincerely, “I’ll make you a glass of warm milk so you’ll sleep better.”

You swallowed in guilt.  Ditching Chanyeol became one of your expertises.  Quickly, you dug in your drawer for a post it and scribbled down “Going on M