The last word Ahn Sohee said to me on the phone was goodbye. I was dazed and confused that I did not comprehend what she was telling me. I left her messages and phone calls, asking her what she meant, what I did wrong.

She was not my first girlfriend. My first girlfriend was in middle school—a crush that flowered into something else and wilted after a week. But she’s the first that made me work hard. She didn’t turn to my direction but I made her do it.

Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong?

Why was she making me wait? Can’t she just answer me and end everything properly?

I sat down on the front steps of YG Entertainment. It was two in the morning, and I was alone, waiting for a miracle to happen.

The hardest part of waiting is the waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for the other ball to drop. Waiting for your heart to break into pieces.

Waiting. Just waiting.

Maybe she got tired of me or she found someone else. It’s one or the other. A decent boyfriend would think the answer is the second. After all, when you enter a relationship, it’s all or nothing. The question of loyalty won’t come from you if you’re working to make everything right.

Was I doing my best? Or did she really get tired of me?

I was a good boyfriend to Sohee—I supported her work with Wonder Girls, despite the demanding BigBang promotions in Japan and China; I visited her when she’s down, even if I was tired from flying in different countries; I sent her flowers and chocolates every fifteenth of the month, and because of that, I owed Youngbae and Daesung for hiding our relationship secret from manager Kim Nam Gook.

I called her every night to check if she got home safe.

I gave her space when she’s having trouble breathing.

I gave her space because she wanted me to.

Why is it only now did I realize that it’s always “I” between us and not “we”?

“Jiyong-ah.”

Sohee was dressed in a light pink sweater and white skirt. It was July and the air was humid, but I still wore my jacket as if it was mid-January. Sohee was staring at me, expressionless. I looked behind her and saw a Benz parked outside the gates of YG Entertainment.

I’ve seen the same car fetch her the one time we broke up.

“Nice car.”

Sohee’s expression hardened. “Don’t make this any harder for us, Jiyong. You know what I meant when I called you four hours ago.”

“No, I don’t think I understood what you meant.”

The silence was supposed to be maddening during a break-up. I should be shouting at her, calling her names that I would not dare say to a woman because she broke my heart.

But, oddly, I’m not agitated or furious.

I’m just…there.

Sohee’s face softened as she smiled at me imploringly. “Jiyong-ah, I’m breaking up with you.”

There. She said it.

She smiled and started to walk away. I know Sohee. She has been my girlfriend for almost a year and a half, ever since we had collaboration with her group. The public only found out we were dating when we were in the middle of our relationship. Our companies did not release a statement but they just let the rumor spread, letting our fans to think whatever they want.

It was a secret relationship but I was happy, I was content. Was I not enough for the both of us? A part of me urged me to fight for myself, to stand for what I have done for her, to condemn her because she did not follow her promise to stay by my side.

I was shaking but my voice was steady as I called out, “Why?”

Sohee did not turn back, did not even look at me as she answered, “I was tired of you because you weren’t enough for me.”

Fight back, Jiyong. Don’t let her have the last laugh.

The first chuckles surprised her but she still walked away, head high and proud.

Fight, Jiyong.

I laughed and laughed till my throat was raw.

It took me a while to realize it was early morning and I was not alone.

“It feels good, doesn’t it? Just letting go?”

“Am I supposed to feel good after everything?”

Her hand was warm and comforting against my trembling ones. “Yes.”

I looked up to meet her brown eyes. She never pitied me, never looked at me as if I’m a failure. My heart eased when I saw what I needed the most: pride.

Pride, because I fought back.

I had the last laugh.

Dara noona smiled once more and turned to stare at the rising sun in the horizon. The contrast of dark and light on her pale face made her ethereal and mysterious, as if she’s someone unreachable to mere mortals like me.

“Why?”

She closed her eyes, savoring the dewy air. “Why what, Jiyong-ah?”

“Why are you here?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

Her lips curled at one corner as she brushed her hair to the side. “Maybe fate. Maybe destiny. Or maybe I woke up early and wanted to take a walk. Take your pick.”

I frowned. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Hm, call it whatever you want, but I know when someone needs help. I guess it’s my superpower.”

“That’s a stupid superpower.”

“Ne, more trouble than it’s worth—but I won’t change it for anything.”

I stared at her, trying to understand this facet of her personality. For the two years that I knew her, she was always a jolly person. Heck, sometimes she’s crazier than Bom noona, Seungri, and Seung-hyun hyung combined. But what makes her different is her unparalleled determination to achieve anything, which more than makes up for her craziness and over-activeness, and her selflessness when it comes to her members and to BigBang. I even thought she was too good to be real: after all, people like us don't really get to be selfish so we take the time to savor our vices.

During the times I caught myself staring at her, I wondered if there was something more about Park Sandara.

I guess there’s a time for everything.

“Don’t you want something cooler? Like, turning back time? Or being invisible? Or even making millions of ramen appear with the snap of a finger?”

Her soft laugh reverberated in my heart. “Time travel is a fool’s wish. It’s too confusing. You’ll be alone in the present, which is your past, and you’ll be dead in the future, which is your present. Being invisible may work for some time, but the people important to you may forget you. Now, making millions of ramen appear would be an awesome superpower—if you want to die early.”

“But you love ramen! You were just hospitalized a month ago because you only ate ramen for two weeks!”

“And there you have it—I do love ramen but I want to live a happy life with my family, not with YG’s doctors.”

Everything was quiet for a while. It’s strange that the building is peaceful and quiet. Usually, in the case of Seungri, there would be shouts and curses of people echoing throughout the building and the occasional bangs and booms from unidentified flying objects thrown on the walls.

But it’s nice to have a peace sometimes.

“You loved her, didn’t you?”

I can lie to her but I didn’t want to. “Yes, I did.”

“Then you made a good break-up.”

I whirled around, shocked and a bit confused. “What? But she hurt me! She broke up with me!”

“True, but you had the last laugh.”

“I did, and look where that’s gotten me.”

Dara noona faced me, a small smile ready on her lips as she nodded. “Ne, Jiyong. It hurts because you let her know your side but she ignored it. It hurts because you can’t make her stay even after all you’ve done. It hurts because you loved her. You did not take the coward’s way and broke up with her. You endured, you made her feel special. You are angry, yes, confused and broken. Kind words won’t ease your pain. Nothing would.”

“But don’t let yourself down, eh? You fought back; you did not give up. Even if you're not the one for her, you made her yours. That’s what makes it a good break-up for you, Jiyong-ah.”

“You crawled your way out. You learned to fight for someone till the very end.”

Her eyes were soft and understanding. The curve of her smile pushed mine to go up, erasing the conflicting emotions on my face.

I fought for someone.

I guess I learned something after all.

Words escaped me as I hugged her with all the strength I can muster. She did not stiffen from my sudden action but she just wrapped her arms around me in return.

Dara noona whispered. “You’ll come back strong, Jiyong. I just know it.”

And it’s all because of you, noona.

I can’t thank you enough for this.

I did not cry.  

Crying is for the one who lost.

And I did not lose anything.

We did not say a word as we held each other under the rising sun.

Sometimes silence is just what we need.