principium (beginning).

"honey, put a smile on that beautiful face of yours."

i pulled my lips back to flash my teeth back at my mum, but it probably came off more as a grimace than anything else. Seeing how her face fell, I quickly tried to give a more reassuring, genuine smile.

"mum, i'm okay." i reached out for her hand from across the dining table. i recalled hearing her break down yesterday in her bedroom to my dad; how she felt so guilty to me for having to leave everything i had everytime they shifted. i was upset, yes. i was devastated, yes. but there's nothing more heartwrenching to hear than your loved ones' anguish, especially if it's about you. "really. this house is really nice." i gestured towards all the furniture that was painstakingly arranged by my mum just yesterday when we shifted in. my parents were world-renowed art collectors after all, their sense in design was not to be trifled with.  "and it'll only get more gorgeous."

i saw the dangerous glimmer in my mum's eyes, but she squeezed my hand tightly and smiled back at me gratefully. "i know you'll miss China, but you're finally back in your home country after 10 years." 

"yeah." i tried to fight the wave of disappointment that washed over me when i thought about my growing-up years. first in the States, then Japan and the latest was China. all in the span of my short, meagre teenage life. 

"oh, our next-door neighbours are coming over later. mrs. lee passed us the rhubarb tart yesterday, she seems like such a lovely lady." my mum commented. "she even apologised for not being able to visit with her whole family since they were all out."

i nodded, surprised. "wow, that's really nice of her. we should bake something too." i felt my mood brighten up at the thought of baking.

"that's my girl. we have all the way till evening. i invited the other neighbours and told her to spread the word too, so it'll be a mini community gathering..." my mum was now chattering excitedly, but as she got carried away, i felt myself start to have seeds of doubt.

starting over, again, for the fourth time. i sighed inwardly. was it really worth it to forge all these ties and carve all these memories to forsake them when the time came to move again? it was all well and good to repay someone's kindness, but a housewarming party... i really just wasn't in the mood for that.

"rae, you alright?" my mum asked me worriedly, breaking my chain of thoughts.

i forced a smile, as i always have. "y-yeah. just thinking of school on monday, wonder if i should go read up and prepare." i lied. school barely fazed me. i had transferred schools so many times that it was normal to fall back behind on my studies and i wouldn't stay long enough for graduation anyway. 

"oh, sorry, darling. go and do what you have to. leave all the preparation for tonight for me." my mum suddenly looked flustered and guilty.

i shook my head. "i can take care of the baking." it was, after all, a therapeutic thing for me. the smell of the rising yeast, the mechanical whirring of the mixer and the methodical step-by-step concoction of a product was something i enjoyed, ever since i worked part-time at a bakery back in japan. and even if everything around me changed, i still had my baking supplies, the recipes in my head and there was always net happiness from baking- if not those who were eating the products, it would be my own satisfaction. at my suggestion to help, my mum brightened up again and clapped her hands together elatedly. i smiled.

that, and her reaction too. 

"rae, darling! the lees are here!" my mum called out as I was adjusting the piping on the butterscotch muffins I had made. i stood back to admire my handiwork before yelling back a, "okay!" to be honest, i didn't even feel like going to meet anyone, i just felt like staying in the kitchen. (wow i just set my gender back by a few centuries with that comment, i'm sorry.)

i started to rustle for appropriate plates to put the muffins on, but failed to since we just moved in and nothing had its proper place and arrangement yet. i could hear the laughter and banter translocate from the door to the living room and was honestly glad that they were just settling down and leaving me alone in my comfortable corner in the kitchen.

but alas, no. my mum walked in unceremoniously on me staring at the minced chicken pie rise in the oven and i got to my feet with a start a