AN:

The leftward arrows represent Future and the rightward arrows represent the Present.

》》

Yixing didn’t show up the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that.

Yixing didn’t show up for the next two weeks.

Day in and day out, Jongdae would be greeted with an empty desk by his side. And every day, his gut grew tenser and tenser with a deep sense of dread. What happened? Where was Yixing? Was he okay? The myriad of questions jumbled his thoughts along with another topic that shrieked and shouted above all his other thoughts.

You should have listened to the letter!

For the first time in his short existence, Jongdae physically felt the meaning of having ed up. That letter… That request at the end of that damned letter. The hollow teen would have laughed at himself if he could.

The teen was currently sitting at his desk with the letter opened in front of him, once again spread out to the first page of the long pack. Except, now he was looking at the backside of that page, where he discovered the next entry.

‘March 3, 2016

• Starting from today, Yixing didn’t show up to school for about two weeks. I don’t really have any advice to give you for the next two weeks, so consider this an early break! I hope you followed my first request. But…
• If you didn’t… Please don’t ever let go of this letter. This will be the start of a very, very long process.
• I’m so sorry. For you, my younger self. And especially for Yixing. If there was more I could have done, I promise you I would have done it. But, there is only so much a beat up letter can do, you know? I’m sorry.
  • Once this is all done, tell him I said sorry, okay? Promise?’

Jongdae stared dead-eyed at the page. Really… If he had just kept reading, he would have known. But then again, would it have done any good anyway if he had? It wasn’t like he actually believed this piece of paper’s words before. But now, he knew better. He had fully come to accept this… circumstance. Whatever this letter was, whether it was truly from his future self or not, was correct and there was no changing that.

Once again, the swirly writing rang all too true for Jongdae’s life. After the first couple of days, he and his friends seriously began to question the whereabouts of their new addition. They looked around the school, trying to see if he had been switched classes, but it turned up all for not since they would have noticed anyway. Jongdae even went as far as going to their teacher’s cubicle and asking if she knew what happened to Yixing. She only told him that it was a very personal matter and that he’d be back soon so they must be patient. He shuffled his way back to study hall, Jongdae feeling as if her last phrase had some double meaning to it.

《《

Jongdae shuffled awkwardly on his feet. He stared at the escalators situated across the sparsely populated area. People rode down, but no one other than staff rose up. Jongdae fidgeted again, debating if he really should just go take a seat at one of the benches, but ultimately deciding against it since he felt much too antsy. He really shouldn’t have come so early…

“Jongdae!” Jongdae whirled to his left and saw two familiar figures walking towards him. He gave a soft smile and a small wave to the duo.

Chanyeol bounded up to the smaller with his signature large grin and engulfed him in a hug. Even though they hadn’t seen each other for more than five years, he treated him as if they had just met up within the past week. The taller let go as Junmyeon caught up and gave Jongdae another hug. The older firmly held onto the other for a while, just a few moments longer than the average hug.

“How’ve you been?” Junmyeon asked as he held Jongdae’s shoulders, now an arm length’s away. Jongdae simply nodded and smiled in reply, which was all but satisfied Junmyeon’s question. But, he knew when to drop the topic. So, he patted the other’s shoulders and released his hold.

“So, they haven’t come yet?” Chanyeol asked as he rocked a bit on the heels of his feet, head turned towards the escalators.

Jongdae shook his head. “Nope. They should be here soon.” He flicked his watch up and looked at the time. 6:23. “Seven more minutes.” The other two nodded.

“How’s the restaurant going, by the way?” Jongdae inquired. Chanyeol smiled proudly.

“Business is booming! Everyone loves my cooking, especially the owners. The rest of the staff is cool too, real nice people. It’s been really busy, too busy. Ever since I got promoted to head chef, dinner rush has been extra packed.” Chanyeol sheepishly laughed as he thought back to the past week’s never ending line outside the restaurant and the yells of the staff as they ran around trying to satisfy all the customers. “I almost burned my hand the other day in the rush… I’m alright though! But, even if I wasn’t, that just means I get to see Junmyeon do his thing.”

“Please be careful.” Junmyeon sighed in exasperation. “And besides, I’m a cardiac surgeon, so it’s not as if you would be one of my patient anyway.” He paused. “You better not become one of my patients.”

Chanyeol pouted. “That doesn’t mean you can’t visit.” Junmyeon stared at him, clearly unimpressed. “I’m joking! And I promise that I’m taking care of myself.” Chanyeol finished off as he held his hands up in defense.

“Anyways, how’s the school? Still the same as ever?” Junmyeon turned to Jongdae, who shrugged.

“Same old, same old. Principle Kang’s speeches still run for an eternity, but now with the added bonus of old age slowing him down. Poor kids.” Jongdae shook his head as the other two laughed at their own memories of their old principal. “This year’s third years are a bit more on the tame side compared to previous years, though, so I can just kind of kick back and relax a bit. They all seem to pretty much have an idea of what they’re going to do after graduation. They’re good kids.” He smiled to himself fondly.

They all looked back at the escalators as a wave of riders rose up into view. Jongdae raked his eyes through the crowd that dissipated at the top of the moving staircase, searching for five familiar faces. He smiled when his eyes met with a tan man with dark eye circles. From behind him, he saw another tall and tan man along with another tall man with a sharp jawline. Concealed by them were two short men: one who was flashing a blockish smile and the other looking around with wide eyes and wearing… an army uniform?

The group approached the trio and they all exchanged their greeting and hugs.

“So THAT’S where you disappeared off to! Seriously, you should have just told us you were going into the army, Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol commented nonchalantly as he patted the smaller on the back. His face became serious. “We were worried about you.”

Kyungsoo shifted uncomfortably, feeling a particularly heated gaze crawling up his skin. “I’m sorry about that. After everything that happened, that was selfish of me to just leave.” He uttered quietly.

A deep tension crept under their skin as the group fell silent. Jongdae thought back to just after graduation, when Kyungsoo just… disappeared.  After everything that had just happened at the time, everyone was upset and concerned. Jongin was especially upset, since his best friend never told him where he had gone to. Apparently Kyungsoo had even convinced his family to keep his whereabouts secret. The group of friends accepted it after a while and Jongin eventually gave up looking for him, only left with his bitterness. Jongdae understood why he left so suddenly. He, also, had wanted to disappear at the time… Sometimes he still did. But the loss of another friend only worsened everyone’s grief and aided in their separation.

Junmyeon, as if reading his thoughts, cleared his throat. “It’s good to see you, regardless. I’m glad you were able to make it.” Kyungsoo nodded in appreciation and Jongdae was shaken out of the thoughts that were beginning to swirl around him. Now was not the time. Today was for Yixing. For all of them.

And so the conversation shifted to a much more light-hearted atmosphere as they all caught up with one another. Kyungsoo had enlisted into the army right after graduation and had climbed up to Colonel, which more than shocked everyone, except for Junmyeon who had been the one to find Kyungsoo before their meet-up. Baekhyun worked as part of a marketing team for one of the big phone companies in the company and he had just moved up to head of his team. Zitao’s martial arts gym was going well, with a few bumps here and there, but he assured everyone that it was stable again. Sehun’s work as a lawyer was going pretty well and he was currently working on his first major case since entering the field, but he couldn’t give out much detail. Jongin was content with his position at one of the largest bank firms in the country. Overall, everyone was doing alright.

“As much as I love standing around and talking about our jobs, how about we start getting a move on?” Baekhyun remarked tiredly. “I miss home.”

They all agreed and Chanyeol led them out to see the “sweet ride” he brought for all of them to travel in. He led them into the parking lot and towards a beat up, grey van.

“Tada!” He stood in front of the van, gesturing overenthusiastically towards the vehicle. Baekhyun grinned.

“Nice ride.” Everyone else sighed as the two of them exchanged a high-five.

“Off to S High!” Chanyeol shouted out as they all proceeded to squeeze into the van.

《《

The van rolled up to the bottom of the hill that the school sat upon and the gang tumbled out like a bunch of clowns in a clown car. Once they composed themselves, they began their trek up the path to the school’s gates. It was a beautiful time of year; the oak trees that lined the sides of the path were dyed a beautiful shade of red and leaves fell after every breeze.

They made it up the path and strolled through the gates straight to the back of the baseball field. They shared small talk all the wild, laughing every once in a while. Jongdae waved to students here and there that were there for club activities. They happily greeted him and shouted jokes, to which he and the other alumni laughed and greeted back with their own.

They passed the baseball field and walked straight over to the largest oak tree in the entire school: the “Tree of Life”, as the students had always preferred to call it. Chanyeol took his shovel and began digging while everyone eyed the growing pile of dirty with anticipation.

Thunk.

“Found it!” The giant called out as he was crowded around by the rest of his friends. He bent down and grasped onto the decade old, beat up tin box. He pulled it out, the box popping out after a bit of a struggle. He turned around and handed it to Jongdae, who brushed off the dirt that caked every side of it. His upturned lips stretched into a small smile.

“Our time capsule really took a beating.” Baekhyun commented.

“It’s been ten years.” Kyungsoo mildly rolled his eyes at the obvious statement.

Jongdae cracked open the box. The lid creaked and bent and crunched, not being used to being open after all those years buried under the earth. A small puff of air whooshed out and sent a miniscule spray of dirt onto Jongdae’s navy blue sweater. He continued to pop the lid off slowly, going side to side, before the whole thing was off. All the while, eight hearts pounded heavily with excitement. Jongdae smiled down into the box and pulled out a stack of papers and photographs. He shuffled through the papers.

“Everything’s here!” Jongdae announced and the group broke out into many grinning faces. Junmyeon took the liberty to separate the photos and start passing them around for everyone to look at while he organized the papers.

“Woah, who’s this guy!” Baekhyun shouted out as he pointed to a younger and scrawnier looking Sehun than the one that stood with them in the group as he was surrounded by Jongin and Zitao. Sehun scowled and made a move to grab the photo, but he was too slow, since the smaller male had already passed it on to the tan duo. Jongin and Zitao promptly burst into laughter as Sehun wrestled with them to grab the photo.

“Hey guys! Remember the Underground RapGods?!?” Chanyeol shouted out as he waved around a photo showing himself, Zitao, and Sehun in overly flashy jackets and caps as they jumped around on stages with microphones in their hands. The group howled with laughter as they stared at the photo, most of them being brought to tears.

“I still can’t believe you guys were actually good, even dressed like that!” Jongdae shakily spoke as he wiped away a few stray tears.

“Believe me, it wasn’t my choice.” Zitao held his stomach as he pushed the photo away. Then, he looked at the photo he was holding onto and screamed before grabbing onto his chest and glaring at Kyungsoo. Everyone turned inquisitively. “Kyungsoo, seriously, you are forbidden from working in a haunted house ever again.”

Everyone instantly remembered what photo he was looking at in that instant. Zitao flipped the photo around for everyone to see and revealed a picture of a ghostly pale looking figure whose face was obscured by a bird’s nest of long black hair. However, through the hair, one incredibly wide eye peeked out at anyone who dared looked at the picture. The group once again burst into laughter and snorts while Kyungsoo burned red. “You’re just overly sensitive,” he muttered.

“We made a lot of money that year thanks to him, though.” Junmyeon commented.

“Ah, remember when we went to the Butterfly Festival?” Jongin called out as he flashed a photo of a group of nine figures wearing various different colorful butterfly-shaped masks. Jongdae grinned at the memory. It was Yixing’s first time going to the festival, so they stayed the entire day until the fireworks display in the nighttime.

“Junmyeon and Chanyeol wasted all their money on that one stand that had knock-off Pokémon plushes.” Jongdae snickered as he looked down at the photo that showed the duo with determined faces tossing rings at an army of empty glass bottles.

“I still don’t understand how you were able to win on your first try.” Chanyeol muttered sadly and Junmyeon shook his head.

“I still don’t understand how Kyungsoo was able to win at the hammer game.” Sehun mused as he showed a picture of Kyungsoo standing by the sledgehammer strength game and giving the Crong plush he won to Jongin with dusted pink cheeks that could barely be seen. Kyungsoo glanced at the photo, but Jongin didn’t even look in the direction of it.

Baekhyun breathed out a small laugh as he looked down at the photo he was holding. He looked up at everyone. “Yixing really had a ball with all the street food.”

Everyone’s attention snapped to Baekhyun’s direction at the mere mention of the name. There, on the photo, showed their old friend chowing down on some tteokbokki with puffy cheeks while Jongdae stood by his side, laughing and smiling at the sight next to him. Jongdae felt his chest tighten at the memory, but he continued to smile. It really was a fun memory to look back on.

Everyone remained silent as their looked at the picture with soft smiles painted onto their faces, but each of their eyes revealed a sliver of pain from the past.

“Are you ready to start reading, now?” Junmyeon softly spoke after a moment’s passing. Seven heads nodded and so Junmyeon started passing out the letters to their owners. He stopped in front of Jongdae while holding onto three letters in his hands: his own, Jongdae’s, and Yixing’s. Junmyeon looked up at his long-time friend.

“Do you want to…?” Jongdae gently took his own letter from the others hands and nodded for Junmyeon to take the rest. Junmyeon nodded in return and took his spot beside Jongdae.

“I don’t even remember what I wrote.” Baekhyun commented as he held the envelope to the light, trying to make out what was inside.

“Maybe you didn’t write anything at all.” Chanyeol snickered as Baekhyun stuck out a tongue in his tongue in his direction.

Junmyeon cleared his throat, ignoring the two. “Who wants to go first?” The group remained still before Sehun raised his hand. “Oh, go ahead, Sehun!”

“Why don’t we all just open them at the same time, first?” He answered blankly. The group snickered and Junmyeon pouted.

“Fine; everyone, just… Go for it!” And so, the all ripped open the letters and quickly read the contents.

They read their letters one by one in no particular order. Chanyeol’s talked about how he hoped to have established a record label and to still continue making music. Baekhyun’s, Sehun’s, and Zitao’s all basically talked about how they hoped that they were all part of Chanyeol’s record label and were out making music for the world. Kyungsoo’s was pretty cryptic and just mentioned how he should “say what he needs to say” and “do what he wants to do” and stuff like that. Jongin’s talked about how he wanted to become a dance instructor and continue dancing for the rest of his life. Junmyeon’s talked about how he hoped he continued singing and acting as a hobby, but that he knew that he duty lied in working at his family’s hospital (“That’s pretty sad, Junmyeon…”). Jongdae’s talked about his dream of teaching children how to sing and that he never wants to stop singing.

Well… none of us really got what we wanted in the end. Jongdae mused to himself, feeling a dull pang of disappointment ring through his body.

“Let’s read Yixing’s now.” Junmyeon announced and began reading their friends handwriting.
 

“I always admired Junmyeon. He was always on track with what he needed to do. That sense of duty and responsibility was something that I always wished I had.”

“That’s not funny, hyung.” Jongin commented while everyone in the group blankly stared at the eldest. Junmyeon’s face heated up.

“I’m not joking, that’s what it really says!” Jongdae peered over the others shoulder and pulled back with brows furrowed.

“He’s not lying.” Everyone’s faces morphed into various degrees of confusion and befuddlement.

“I thought we were supposed to write to ourselves.” Zitao said to himself as Junmyeon continued reading the letter.
 

“Jongin’s dancing is amazing! He moves gracefully on stage, like water. He was made to perform. I had fun with our “dance battles”. I’m happy that you liked my style, even though it was so different from yours. When you asked if I wanted to join the dance club, I really wished I had said yes.

Sehun is a great friend. I remembered that time during the festival where you chose to help out our haunted house because we had too many people even though you had already finished your shift for your classroom. Your sense of loyalty always amazed me and it’s something I wish I had more of.

Kyungsoo is always very honest. I know you didn’t always say everything, but you always said what needed to be said. You were never tough when you gave out the truth, either; you gave advice gently and with great regard towards people’s feelings. I wish I could have been as honest as you were.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol: there’s no way I can mention one without the other! You two were the first people who introduced yourselves to me and got me into your group. You guys never failed to make me laugh since that day. You were two bright balls of energy and life in our group. I wish I had lived as brightly as the both of you had.

Zitao, I always felt like you were a little brother to me, although a bit of a bratty one. I’m joking! You are very stubborn when you want to do something. You never give up, even when everything seems impossible. Your determination and fighting spirit could be felt by everyone in the room and you helped keep people motivated. I wish my spirit was as strong as yours.

Jongdae. There’s so much I want to say about you, but I don’t have enough paper to write it all down, so, I’ll try to keep it short. You felt like home. You were always so nice, so welcoming, so… warm. You treated everyone with so much kindness, you were like a saint. You never failed to make me smile, even when I really didn’t want to. Your smile always seemed to shine the brightest out of anyone I had ever seen before. You danced without a care in the world, and even though everyone joked about how it was a good thing you didn’t join the dance club, I think you would have been great! Your voice always sent chills down my spine every time you sang. Every time we talked about music on the way home, I would get so excited. I wish we had worked on some songs together. I wish I had written that song for you. I wish we had talked together more often. I wish we had done a lot of things together.

Thank you, everyone, for everything,

Zhang Yixing”

The group stood huddled in their circle in silence as Junmyeon uttered the last words. Jongdae felt the world spin and his stomach turned, yet he also felt so unbelievably still and small. Yixing had written to everyone else in their group… except himself. And everything in that letter just sounded like…

“Was that… was that a goodbye?” Zitao choked out, his eyes puffy with tears that were just about to start leaking down his face.

Chanyeol shook his head as he slowly sunk down. He sat and held his head in his arms. “No… Yixing, he-he was in an accident.”

Junmyeon stared at the letter, eyes reading and rereading the scrawled handwriting over and over again, as if something new would pop out after the fiftieth time he did.

“Yixing knew he wouldn’t have a future.” Jongdae swallowed down a load of vomit as he lowly whispered out the phrase no one wanted to believe.

He knew he was going to die. He… wanted to die, didn’t he.

And, just like that, all understanding the implications of what Jongdae had said, it felt as if a pipe had just burst.

Zitao started to fully on sob and cry hideously as his body shook with tremors. Sehun, who was next to him, wrapped his arm around the other’s shoulders as his own tears ran quietly down his face. Jongin was also violently sobbing and had curled in on himself while Junmyeon patted held him and patted his back, swiping his own tears with the back of his hand. Baekhyun bit his bottom lip and his mouth contorted into an ugly shape as he tried to keep quiet while tear trails were being formed on his cheeks. Chanyeol continued to sit on the ground, now actually fallen onto the dirt, and everyone could hear his loud sniffles down below. Kyungsoo stood staring straight up at the sky while biting the insides of his cheeks, no tears staining his face in the process.

Jongdae stared at the ground in front of him and watched as his vision became blurrier and blurrier. His throat burned and contracted as he tried to swallow down the swelling ball of pain that begged to be released from his mouth. The pain of reality was unforgiving once again. Yixing knew he wouldn’t make it to see ten years with the rest of them. Hell, he knew he wouldn’t make it past the school year. Why? Why was it like this? What had happened? What had Jongdae missed?

No, why did I ignore it? Jongdae knew something was wrong, he had a gut feeling the whole time. He saw the way he looked when he thought no one was looking: that sad, alone, dead look in his eyes. He had always seen it.

But I did nothing. Jongdae let out a loud, strangled sob, no longer being able to control himself any longer. No longer wanting to control himself any longer.

Yixing, why did you write all that nice stuff about me? I did nothing for you. I never did anything for you! Junmyeon brought Jongdae over with his other arm and held onto him as well as Jongdae sobbed louder into his shoulder.

“I’-“ He hiccupped uncontrollably. “I’m… S-.. So so… Sor-sorry, Yi..iiiiii.. Yi… xing.” Every word made his throat constrict even more.

I never deserved to love you. I’m such a coward. I’ve always been a coward. I should have helped you. I knew something was bothering you. I should have helped you. I should have helped you. I should have helped you. I should have helped you.

I should have been the one to die.

I want to disappear.

So, this chapter got a little dark. So, apparently Yixing knew he was going to die in the first place! Why, though? In fact, how'd he die to begin with? Does it have to do with why he was out for two weeks? I hope you keep reading to find out!

Thank you for all the new subscribers, it really means a lot to me that people are interested in this story. Next chapter will be out next week, so pleased stay tuned. 

Thank you!