"What am I to you?" I said it with a firm voice, & yet.. on the inside, I was afraid of the answer that he would give me.
"A person whom I love very much?" Kihyun looked at me as if I should have known that answer. Unfortunately these days, I didn't have a clue. Especially not after I had found out that he had kissed his ex. Again. It seemed to be all Wonho's fault every time, but Kihyun kept letting it happen. So I decided that it was just as much his fault as it was Wonho's.
"Ki.." I his smooth skin with two of my index fingers, & he gave a breathless, calm sigh.
"You know I love you." He murmured.
We sat on what used to be a standard bunk bed like what the rest of the members had, but we switched it out long ago. Kihyun always found his way to me in the middle of the night, & we couldn't both fit on a bed made for one.
"So why does it feel like I have to constantly fight for you every single day?"
Kihyun's lip poked out a bit, & he scooted closer to me, pressing his hands into my thighs. I loved it when he acted like this. It made me forget why I was mad in the first place. Only Kihyun could do that. He had this magic power that nobody else had, to ease the tension inside somebody. But only if he really wanted to.
He slid his hand down my arm, & I reached in for his neck, almost about to kiss him. I stopped when I saw the face he was making. The face of victory. But I didn't want to give him what he wanted, even if he was being cute doing it.
I lay down on the bed, putting one hand under my head. He climbed over on top of me, & he reminded me of a puppy: eagerly wagging his imaginary tail.
"Please don't be mad at me.." He said in a small voice.
I closed my eyes, trying my best to deflect his charm.
He tugged at my shirt. "Daddy.."
I opened one eye out of shock, & then the other. I sat up quickly, & he tumbled down beside me.
"Hey! You could have at least warned me first!" He sat up again, looking pissed, but still cute.
"Kihyun."
"Whaaaaat?" He whined, only getting cuter.
I simply just stared at him. It was so hard for me to put into words how what he said made me feel. I could do nothing but look at him. His hand flew to his mouth, & I felt relieved & embarrassed all at the same time. I didn't wanna have to say it, so I was glad when he finally figured it out.
"You.. You actually like being called that..?" Kihyun's mouth was probably wide open behind his hand. "But like in a ual way..? I was only.. I mean I could be serious if you wanted me to, but.. I just.. never knew that.. Wow.. Wonho was right..? Wow.."
"You don't have to keep saying it. It just felt so.. different, coming from you.."
"You really are Monsta X's dad, though. I could have fun with this." He gave off a devilish grin & I swear it was the iest thing I had ever seen. I wanted to devour him right then & there.
"Don't say it." I warned, knowing good & well that he would anyway. It was Kihyun, after all. That one ray of sunshine on a day full of clouds. He was also simultaneously the raindrops when you had no umbrella.
He climbed on top of me again, resting his hands on my upper body.
"Daaaaaddy, daddy daddy daddy," he repeated in a sing-songy voice. He wasn't heavy, but the more he said it, the more pressure I felt from below.
But then I realized what it really was.
In one fluid movement, I flipped him over so that I was the one who was on top. He let out a breath of air, adjusting to the position. I noticed him look down at my pants, then back up at me, raising an eyebrow.
"Don't you dare," I warned again. "It needs to go down quickly."
"What's the rush? Don't we have some free time today?" He rubbed my crotch, & my once clear thoughts became cloudy. Kihyun was always eager to do it. But I don't know why. It's not like he was the one doing any of the work. He was only ever on the receiving end.
"Kihyun." I grabbed both his wrists, & he tried to break free.
"Why not?"
"This is not the time to be doing this."
He looked at me in disbelief. "But you're the one who just climbed on top of me! You're the one who has a-"
"I know, I know. But you make me do those kinds of things when I really shouldn't."
More looks of disbelief. "So I made you climb on top of me? As you can see, hyung.." He glanced at his wrists that were being held by me. "I can't really make you do anything.."
"Not by force, no. But the way you look at me.. Your mannerisms.. Your tone of voice.. You know they all drive me wild, right?"
I saw my boyfriend's face immediately turn the deepest red I had ever seen, & I smiled at him.
"You're beautiful.. & perfect.." I leaned in closer to him now. I didn't think it was possible, but he was blushing even more. I let go of his wrists & his hands flew straight to his cheeks.
"I've already seen it. There's no point in covering it."
He puffed his cheeks out really big, & it reminded me of a squirrel or a hamster. I couldn't help but laugh.
"This isn't funny!" He hit me in the shoulder. "Stop it before I call you daddy again."
I stopped laughing then. "But you will again though, right? Like later on this evening?"
Kihyun looked stunned, his mouth falling to the floor. "So you do like it!"
I got off of him, & he tackled me back down. He was battling himself with his emotions, as I watched his face change expressions at least four times. He then looked away, & he became even more beautiful to me.
"I love your eyes.." I murmured, being swept up by him again. He turned back to me now.
"I hate them."
"Why?"
"They're small, & slightly cross-eyed."
"You think so?"
I felt him hit me on the chest. "Do you think that I'm making this up? If I look to the left, this eye-" he pointed to his right eye "doesn't go all the way in the same direction as the other one. It's almost as if it's stuck."
"Ah, I have noticed that. In your selcas that you take. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I wouldn't change anything about you for anything."
"Blah blah blah," he rolled his eyes, jumping off of me & onto the floor. Not wanting to be away from him for even a second, I stood up as well & wrapped my arms around him.
"Clingy much?" He sounded annoyed, but still held onto me as well.
"I'm sorry if it bothers you."
Kihyun sighed peacefully, closing his eyes. I rested my head on top of his, simply just being in the moment.
& then I remembered something.
"So you're a screamer, huh?"
"What?" Kihyun's voice sounded confused, but I waited for him to get it. Talking wasn't my strong suit.
"Ahh!" he got it now, shrugging out of my arms. "Stop bringing up weird things!"
"But I want to make you react like that too.."
He blushed & anxiously twirled his hair in his finger.
"I do react like that with you! But I've learned to control it better, over time.."
"So just leave it alone. Don't hold yourself back next time."
"& wake the whole house? No thanks."
"Kihyuuuu~n!" a high pitched voice could be heard on the other side of the door, & we both recognized it as Minhyuk's.
"You're making dinner riiiiigh~t?"
Kihyun groaned.
"They day you all learn how to use a microwave is the day I'll be a happy one indeed."
"I think the point was that he wanted fresh food, not leftovers."
He moved one of his cheeks upward & let it fall again. Not really a smile. Not really much of anything. He always did it, but I could never figure out what it was.
Patting my back, he left for the kitchen. In his absence, I was once again made painfully aware of everything that had previously happened just a little while ago.
My encounter with the devil.
This devil had blond hair, blue eyes, & very little concern for anyone around him but himself. He knew exactly the right things to say to tick someone off. To get inside their skin. To push their buttons.
I didn't want to fight him. I just wanted him to leave my angel alone.
My angel had once been swept up by this devil before, & it ended badly. Thinking back on it now, I could have done something to stop it. & who knows, maybe that's why Jooheon is acting the way he is towards the devil's new relationship.
I pondered this for a moment.
I was absolutely right.
There was only one real reason why Jooheon would be so against I.M & Wonho together. He didn't want I.M to get treated like Kihyun did.
I tried to block out the images, because if I thought about it too hard for any longer, I might have gone insane. I was too upset with myself about it. I sat back & watched it all happen. I could have prevented it from happening in the first place.
So maybe I could do something now.
I left to go find him, but I didn't have to search for long. I heard him rapping along to some music he was listening to in his headphones on the floor of his room. I looked around. It seemed so empty without I.M's clutter everywhere. Empty. & lonely.
I crouched down to him, but he didn't seem to notice my presence. His eyes were closed & he was intensely swaying his head back & forth to the beat of the music. I could hear it coming from the outside, & I listened harder, making it out to be one of our new songs for the album. I almost felt bad for interrupting.
I tapped him on the shoulder, & as expected, I had startled him to the wildest degree. Jooheon was the most easiest person to scare, even without trying to. He paused his music & took his headphones off.
"Sorry. Can I talk to you?"
"Hyung! You scared me! Here, hold on." He cleared off some space from what used to be I.M's bed, & made room for us to both sit down.
"So what's up?" he let his headphones hang from around his neck, his full attention on me now.
I took in a breath. I really didn't like talking. Especially about this subject.
"You know about Wonho & Kihyun, right?"
His eyes grew wide for a split second, then went normal again. I could guess that he didn't exactly expect me to bring this up, or pick up on the fact that I knew that he knew about it.
"I don't really know anything.. I mean, anything in major detail.."
"Well what I'm asking specifically is about the abuse."
He ran a hand down his face & sighed.
"I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I saw it happen, but I didn't want to see it."
"You saw it just once?"
"Yeah.." Jooheon said nothing for a while after that. I could tell talking about it made him just as uncomfortable as it made me. But we couldn't just ignore it. We did that already.
"& that's why you don't like what's happening with Wonho & I.M."
He nodded very slowly.
"So what can we do?"
"Huh?" I think that surprised him even more than me tapping him to get his attention the first time. "What do you mean by that? There's nothing we can do. & even if there was, I don't want to get involved. Not anymore."
"But you see where this is headed. & we can prevent that."
"Again, hyung, who is 'we'? I'm not in this."
"But initially you were, at first."
"Yeah, & then I backed off. Kihyun is right. I don't need to be focused on that. So do something about it yourself. What do you need me for?" Jooheon started to put his headphones back on but I grabbed his upper arm to stop him.
"I know you have some feelings for I.M. If you don't wanna do it for me, then do it for him, at least." I started to get up to leave, but then he was the one who stopped me this time. I looked back & could see a bit of pain in his eyes. I knew I had gotten to him, somewhere.
"What do I need to do?"