I woke up in the middle of an ungodly hour with crusted tears on the corners of my eyes, my body uncoiling from its foetal position on the hard, uncomfortable floor. My body ached from the hardness of my choice of bed, but ever so slowly I sat up and tried to adjust at the sight of darkness. It was dark everywhere. Except the portion of my room where the light from the moon invaded my room from the opened window.

My feet carried me to where the only light was, my eyes appreciating the beautiful moon and the blanket of stars that seemed to stretch endlessly. A cold breeze passed by making me shiver. I hugged my arms, deciding it was too cold for my windows to be open like this. I closed them and tucked myself to bed, hoping that sleep would visit me again.

Closing my eyes, I decided to imagine what it would be like to be back in Jeju with my grandma still alive. We could be waking up at three in the morning, she would prepare some hot coffee and toast for breakfast and then we’d head up to the orchard where she worked as a tangerine picker. It wasn’t a high paying job, but we got enough from picking tangerines to go by with our daily lives. Though it was hard, it felt less hard because we did things together.

Having someone you love beside you gave you enough strength to weather any tides in the sea. Grandma was that person to me.

But she was no longer.

I was no longer not alone.

Another howl rang in the air. The sound making me shiver. I wasn’t scared of ghosts or anything supernatural, but my heart was oddly beating in a frantic pace as the sound repeated again. It was as if it was in agony, hurt even. I didn’t understand why I was so concerned about a howling dog. Who knew what it could be wailing about?

Then, there was a sharp stab of pain that slashed through my chest. It was so sudden that I wasn’t able stop the loud cry that came out from my lips, waking up the entire household. The pain was too much; as if I’d been literally stabbed by a knife. Tears sprang forth from my eyes, but I braved myself on looking at the damage. What could have brought so much pain? Pushing myself up with shaky movements, I leaned back on the headboard and slowly looked down at my shirt. The light was faint in the room since the only source was the moon beaming down through my window, but I knew I definitely saw it. Right there in the middle of my chest was a bloody slit as if carved by knife. It felt so surreal to look at that I blinked many times and rubbed on my eyes to get a better focus, but blood only seemed to spill from the cut under my shirt, because blood was soaking my white shirt, coloring it red.

At the realization that there was an odd gash on my chest that came from nowhere, I found myself being pumped by adrenaline as I staggered to get up and get out of my room to find help. The pain was slowly engraving itself even deeper as if the knife that struck me was being dragged across my body to my very core.

And then as I was about to knock at Jaehyun’s door, in one swift motion I still felt it. Even though it was barely there. I knew that somehow it happened. The knife that was dragged across my body was harshly pulled out and then as soon as it happened it struck me again.

This time, the pain was even more unbearable that I heard someone screaming even louder than the last time I did. It was too late when I realized it was me who did, because I had dropped to the floor, eyes droopy from the deathly experience.

That night, I thought I died.

-

Grandma once told me, when I asked her where grandpa was, that he was in heaven. I wasn’t a firm believer of heaven, but now I thought I knew what it was like.

The truth was that there were really no clouds in heaven. No. it wasn’t purely white. It didn’t have to be white in particular. But instead it was anywhere that you slowly open your eyes to and find yourself at peace with the people you love sleeping soundly around you even though it was uncomfortable to be.

My brother. My sister. My mom.

It was nice to know that even in a dream such as heaven I was able to see them genuinely worry about me.

-

When I woke up in the morning, it was as if nothing happened. The blood splattered on my shirt last night was gone. There was no ugly gash across my chest. It was as if everything I felt were just a product of my imagination.

So, when they asked me during breakfast what happened—why I was screaming and why I fainted on the floor in front of my brother’s door—I told them that I was having a nightmare.

At first, I didn’t feel like lying. I wanted to tell them what I saw and what I felt—that I thought I was going to die from unbearable pain—but the sensible part of me thought it wouldn’t be wise to do so. What if they didn’t believe me? What if they thought I was crazy? I thought the worst while still being clouded with confusion. I, myself, didn’t know what happened to me and there was no wound or blood or scar to prove what I had experienced. So, instead, I lied.

I made them believe it was a nightmare even though that was far from the truth. It felt all too real to be a nightmare.

It couldn’t just be a nightmare.

“I’m going now,” I mused, standing up without so much as waiting for a reply from my mother who hurriedly stood up to see me to the door.

“I’ll see you later,” she said, her voice filled with false hope that I’d look back and assure her I would see her.

But I wouldn’t just do that. After all, I heard what I needed to hear a few weeks back. I was only her obligation and I was just waiting for her mask to crack. Until then, I would do anything to just achieve that.

“I’ll drive them to school. Don’t worry, mom. I will take good care of my sisters.” I didn’t miss Jaehyun promising her something again, before I was out of earshot.

On my way to the subway, Jaehyun tried to persuade me to get in his car, but seeing my little sister, Heejoo, scowling at me as my older brother vied for my attention made my anger get the best of me. She didn’t have to hate me that much.

I didn’t hate her. I couldn’t hate her. But she was making me hate her.

So, instead of giving Heejoo a piece of my mind, I walked faster and hurried to the subway when I saw the entrance. But because it was a rush hour I had to wait for fifteen minutes before I managed to fit myself inside one of the coaches. To make matters worse, I had to stand between bodies and get myself shoved to the side every time someone tried to get out. Of course, there was no way to complain. I was in public transportation so I had to up.

I only found slight relief when I had to transfer trains since it gave me some breathing space while trying to find the right platform to Konkuk University.

However, today just had to be one of those worst days, you know?

The train to Konkuk University was much even worse than the last one. It was so packed that you could already swap faces with someone else. And I was at the brink of shouting at someone as I was pushed to the corner, where the sliding doors met. There was no room for breathing as a man in suit stood behind me, his breath fanning the back of my head, making me shiver in uneasiness. Every time the train was on a bump, he’d move closer and closer, one of his hand flat on the door as he used this as excuse to be doing so.

I’d seen this scenario in movies to know that he was a molester. Grandma always told me to knee them where the sun didn’t shine if the opportunity came, but just as a chance had opened, I wasn’t brave enough to do what she instructed me to do. I didn’t know I would be shaking so badly in the presence of a bad guy, much less someone who was languidly slithering his hand from my waist to the hem of my ski—

The sound of something hitting the metal bar behind me rang in the air. Gasps erupted as the same offender who tried to touch me cried in pain as he clutched on his nose on the floor. Blood was oozing from where he was covering it, but strangely I didn’t feel sorry for him even though the guy beating him up wasn’t any better of a person.

“You dirty bag! How could you take advantage of a girl in public!” Punch.

“Someone stop him! I didn’t do anything! Stop him!--” Punch.

People were already trying to wretch the guy away from the offender, but he ea