from bad to worse
Goodbye to you
I have been walking for god knows how long in the garden of the dorm building which unfortunately did nothing to help my terribly spoiled mood . And that was unbelievable !
I usually crave walking around at night . I love black , I love nighttime . The view of the garden , only lit with lampposts , relaxes me in some inexplicable way . The enchaining atmosphere helps clear my mind , the nocturnal serenity often lulls me to sleep . But since tonight is not exactly normal , I found none of that .
Tonight , the darkness feels threatening and uncalled for . The calm atmosphere scares me . The trees seem like ghosts with faces hanging down , eyes and mouth a black hole .. My mind is unsettled , restless and jumbled up . My heart's a mess and emotions a swirling blend of rage and disbelief . My vision of the future is unclear .
Byunghun , My best friend , just confessed to me .. My best friend just confessed to me ! How was I supposed to react to that ?
' supposed ' ?
Is there even a certain reaction I should have given ? Because really .. Even if there was , I would have acted on impulse and left in the end . Which I did .
To be honest , I half expected him to call me before I got to the door , tell me he was only joking , that it was just a prank or something . And when he didn't , the full gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks .
God ! I didn't know he was bent .. Byunghun never showed any interest in guys then why .. oh God .. could it be ? Only for me ?
Sighing deeply , my steps ground to a halt as my train of thoughts progressed .
I had nothing against homouality .. I just .. It took me off guard , okay .
To say that I did not expect it would be an understatement , a massive one . Byunghun is the closest friend I have ever had .. I could not bear to lose him or jeopardize our friendship .. I guess that's why my brain completely rejected the idea and why I probably ended up hurting his feelings despite not meaning to .
Technically , I did not reject him for the hell of it , that much is obvious ..
Let's say I gave it a chance and tried dating a guy for the first time in my life . What If I didn't find myself returning his feelings ? That would just be even more painful .. Right ? To give him precarious and temporary hope then let him pick up the shattered remains ?!
On the other hand , If I ended up eventually feeling the same about him , what would happen when we fight ? what would happen if we broke up ? I'll tell you what , that would ruin everything , be it friendship or love ..
Really .. the whole issue seemed to have more drawbacks than benefits . And There's no way I would risk our friendship for anything . Though our current situation is not exactly peaceful either .. Our friendship is already deteriorating any ways ..
Frustrated beyond belief , I rubbed my temple and shook my head at the impending headache then succumbed to the need to finally sleep though I didn't know how I would look Byunghun in the eye after what I had done . I could only hope he would be asleep once I reach our room .
Before I knew it , I was finally inside the building , walking towards our room , feeling nervous and hesitant enough to stand there for good five minutes or so before finally twisting the doorknob . Much to my astonishment , What greeted me was not my room-mate . It was Dongwoo , sleeping on where Byunghun should be .
At first , my eyebrows knitted then I tilted my head like an idiot who couldn't process the image in front of him .. Then it hit me . Byunghun switched rooms ? He was avoiding me .. I heard a scoff and soon realized it came out of me .
What the utter hell ? what kind of nonsense is that ?
That was so childish of him , girlish even .
Honestly , I didn't even know why I was so angry over the whole room switching issue . After all , it would be awkward for us to sleep togethe- I mean in the same room after his confession and if not awkward then it would be a recipe for disaster . Who knows .. we might end up fighting .. So technically his decision was a reasonable one . Still , it didn't sit well with me for some reason . God ! Can this night get even more complicated ?! I slammed my hand on my face before dragging my fingers there nearly scratching my own face out of frustration .
So Byunghun and Hoya are either sleeping or talking now ?
Well , it's not my problem .. It's not even a problem ! So what ? If Byunghun needed some time alone , fine . He will soon get over his sudden and troublesome crush on me then we can go back to normal . I will even be kind enough to pretend none of that had happened so it won't be uncomfortable for him - for us - .
Deciding I should really call it a day , I shuffled towards my bed and sweet sleep instantly claimed me - or so I wished - .
Rich brown eyes fluttered open to the view of a familiar but different room and surroundings .
Byunghun his lips and rubbed his eyes , chasing away the last remnants of sleep all the while trying to understand why he woke up in a room that was familiar but not his . The answer soon came in the form of a familiar figure waking up , namely , Hoya . Everything crashed back at once and fell into place , memories of the past night rushed back to Byunghun - the shock , the pain , the sting of rejection - making it impossible not to shudder in a mixture of grief and self pity .
" Morning . " A raspy voice echoed in the background , snapping him out of his thoughts . Byunghun sufficed with a nod directed at the elder and curled into fetal position , wrapping the blankets around himself like he had no intention of getting out of bed which caused Hoya to blink and think for few minutes before speaking up again .
" Aren't you going to use the bathroom ? " The elder managed to ask politely . though his usual rough nature still managed to seep into his words .
Hearing that , Byunghun nearly jumped out of bed and raced to the bathroom but gratefully managed to stop himself and shook his head , allowing the elder to go first . He used to compete with Myungsoo every morning over who would use the bathroom first . That's how they had fun in their own silly way .
Force of habit , ha ? Byunghun thought wistfully as he eyed the ceiling like it was the sky , starlit and all twinkling . It could take his mind off things . Or maybe it could take some of his pain .. So much for staying positive .. Everything just had to remind him of Myungsoo .
Even though it had just been one night , he found himself already missing how they used to stay up late chatting about anything and everything . Suddenly , his eyes watered and face wrinkled in anguish .
Stupid .. Stupid !! Why did he confess ?? Why ?! He could have kept his mouth shut and heart locked , stayed content with being friends .. Why did he hope for more ? What made him think it could work out ?
On the other hand though , why did Myungsoo have to be so cruel about it ?? So inconsiderate .. And heartless .. Yet he can't stand the idea of living without him ..
God !! What am I going to do now ?? I lost him .. Some people say you cannot lose something you never had .. But I did own him .. I did own him as a best friend . I did own him in my fantasies and dreams , my deepest and darkest desires .
Byunghun's inner turmoil would have lasted longer were it not for the sound of water rushing and cabinets closing echoing from the bathroom . That immediately snapped him out of his thoughts .
Hoya may get out any moment now . And last thing I want is for him to notice how depressed I am because of what had happened yesterday .
Feigning Nonchalance , the honey blonde male started humming to the melody of big bang's blue as if trying to convince himself he was all relaxed and fine - even though it was nowhere near the truth - .
As if on cue , the door of the bathroom swayed open revealing the black haired male , all freshened up and ready for class , when a soothing voice met his ears .
Seemingly dazed , Byunghun kept staring at the ceiling and humming in a soft tone nearly inaudible , obviously too distracted by his own thoughts to notice anyone's presence . And that .. That was not normal . It was alarming .
What was previously thought to be a serious argument between best friends now looked more like a .. The black haired male barely suppressed a gasp at that .
Could it be ?
No .. Maybe it's just a coincidence . Howon started Shaking his head as his eyes remained widened in shock . Byunghun and Myungsoo ??? An expression of total disbelief formed on his face at that . However , deep inside something told him it wasn't far from possible . He knew for a fact that even bestfriends could argue at some point and that it might have a great impact on both parties involved but .. The sight of Byunghun , all resigned and detached , did nothing to convince him it was just friendship issues . The sight before his eyes was not reassuring , to put it mildly . the younger looked like his soul had long left his body , leaving nothing but a void - a fragile skeleton - in its wake .
He was either going to have to give Dongwoo a call , ask him if Myungsoo was doing any better or go there and see with his very own eyes . He couldn't help but feel curious . If Byunghun's state was anything to go by , then Myungsoo shouldn't be in a good mood either . Right ?
Even though Howon wasn't a man of sentiments , at least not outwardly , he couldn't stand the idea of his friends not talking any more . Yea , he'd initially found it somewhat funny the day before but he sure as hell was not thrilled concerning the situation at hand .
Confused and unsure of what to do or even say , Howon pursed his lips and attempted to shake those conclusions aside . It took him quite some time until he was finally able to regain his composure and take a good look at his friend who looked like , put concisely .
After some deeper inspection , Howon his lips before asking the younger
" Byunghun , you don't look good . you okay ? "
Startled , the blonde male gasped and turned his head to face the owner of the voice .
How long had he been standing there ? Enough to feel suspicious ? To see through him ? Byunghun hoped not . However , the question directed at him completely negated that . Much to the younger's dismay , Howon seemed to suspect it already . the honey blonde couldn't have that . He wanted no more pain , no more shame ..
" I'm fine . I promise . " opting for a weak smile , Byunghun chose to lie . The same thing he realized he should have done the day before . He should have lied about his feelings . he should have lied to himself .. Maybe then he would have started to believe it and getting over his feelings would have been possible .. Or at least so much easier .
" Any ways , we have class . I gotta hurry . " Dismissing his own thoughts and feelings , Byunghun announced as he stretched his muscles yawning short after . Awkwardly , the young male sat up right , eventually standing up by the bed - purposely giving howon his back - .
Something about the way he stretched , yawned , got up and started making the bed looked forced , like he was doing it on purpose to avoid meeting Howon's eyes and it didn't go unnoticed by the black haired male .
" You sure ? " Not convinced by what he'd heard , especially when it came from a distracted and woeful Byunghun , Howon repeated his question as he made his way towards the other male . But that made the younger snap
" I said I'm fine , Howon ! " Byunghun turned around facing the elder , his chest heaving like he'd just ran for his life . The elder stopped in his tracks as he heard that .
Heavy silence pressed on the room after those words resonated about the walls dissolving in each of their ears . Howon 's expression instantly shifted into a peeved one . A look of hurt flashed past Byunghun's eyes making him regret his tone when all the elder did was look after him . But the damage was done and the least he could do was apologize , make an excuse , claim he was in a bad mood and not in his right mind ..
" Dude ! My bad I was concerned . " the black haired exclaimed , getting defensive . It was not like him to insist on people or be nosy , okay ! But he couldn't help but feel concerned . And he didn't appreciate people not recognising his good deeds or in this case , intentions . Stomping towards his own bed , Howon grabbed his cellphone and made to leave only to have the younger stop him .
" No ! Howon , I'm sorry .. I'm just having a hard time in general .. " He'd gripped the elder's arm tight , not willing to anger him any more .
" Don't get mad at me .. " Not you too .
Meanwhile :
Neither Dongwoo nor Myungsoo seemed ready to accept the sudden change of roommates and - on Dongwoo's part - rooms as well . The navy haired male had this habit of not knowing anything for the first five minutes after he wakes up .
Myungsoo had to deal with a half-sober Dongwoo who kept asking ridiculous questions like " What's this ? Where am I ? What century is this ? "
Any other time , Myungsoo would have found it amusing , funny even . But right now he really couldn't find amusement in anything . He'd blamed it on not getting enough sleep but deep inside , Myungsoo knew why he woke up in such a bad mood , to put it lightly . And it really didn't help when he got out of the bathroom only to find Dongwoo sleeping again .
" JANG DONGWOO ! " Myungsoo exclaimed in a thundering voice , shocking the poor elder into the real world and out of sleep land .
" Dude ! " the navy haired exclaimed , irritation seeping into his voice at the completely uncivil treatment the other used to wake him up . It is extremely difficult to get Dongwoo in a bad mood - if only for a moment - and when that happens , it means some serious must have caused it . And the sour mood didn't stop there . When Dongwoo got out of the bathroom , he found Myungsoo cursing and rummaging through the whole room .
" Where the is the sweatshirt ?! "
".. Which one ? " Deciding to help like the good hyung he was , Dongwoo asked .
" The black one ! "
.
.
.
A moment of silence reigned the atmosphere before Dongwoo spoke up again " Your whole wardrobe is black . "
" I know ! I just want that one in particular ! " Now it looked more like a stubborn child searching for his toys than an adult getting ready for class .
" Why are you in a bad mo- " Before Dongwoo even got to complete his sentence , Myungsoo countered with a smart comeback
" God's will . "
But the navy haired male was one hell of a persistent friend when he wanted to so he asked the question that Myungsoo dreaded making the whole belongings in the wardrobe careen down instantly piling on the black haired male . His mood just worsened a ing lot more . If that was possible . What was the question ? you might ask ... 'Does it have to do with Byunghun ?' Seeing as how a dark cloud seemed to float over the younger , Dongwoo decided for a different approach .
" You know you can tell me . " He said encouragingly , hopeful when Myungsoo's expression turned hesitant , like he was considering it .
" Hyung .. I'm just too upset to talk about it .. "
- ~ ♦ ~ -
Byunghun and Howon were walking down the corridor , heading to class when they ran into Dongwoo and Myungsoo .
At first Myungsoo and Byunghun wore the same astonished uneasy and lost for words expression but then they acted like strangers , whilst the other two kept their lips in a tight line exchanging knowing looks as if they were waiting for something to happen , a fight to be exact . But it never did . And that in itself served as a huge shock . Maybe it would have been better if they lashed out at each other if only for the sake of interacting . Now it was like strangers walking past each other . Whatever happened between those two had to be serious and deep .
A certain blonde felt his heart slowly but surely break into tiny pieces . It pained him that Myungsoo was giving him the silent treatment in front of the other two . Did he mean so little in the elder's eyes ? It hurt because Myungsoo of all people should have been different . The pain was still fresh and running into Myungsoo now only worked to further fester those scars . Frankly speaking , It was enough to dampen his mood . that's why , Byunghun , to save some face , took his leave first and Howon followed after as soon as he sent Dongwoo a ' What happened ? ' look , and the only response the navy haired gave was a shrug as he walked towards his own class .
Class :
" Hey ! " A certain purple haired male with big doe like eyes exclaimed cheerfully , only to frown short after when he noticed the sour look on his best friend's face .
" He is in a bad mood . " Chanhee noted in confusion , his eyebrows unconsciously furrowing as he watched Byunghun break sweat . The way he spoke up made it difficult to tell whether it was a question or a statement .
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