After his sudden visit, I went home straightly and turn my laptop on, instantly stalking my own Goodreads account. I literally spent 3 hours straight just to make that ‘great’ list he requested about, even divided it by its genres and type a brief summary for each book, and somehow wonder why I put so much effort on it. Although some part of me agreed that I want to somehow impressed him, but mainly my nerd-pride is on fire and I can’t let it extinguished just like that. No one ever asked me to make a list of great books although I know well I’m beyond able to do it, and I didn’t know I will enjoy this so much until this day happened.

And I can’t help but feel so excited when he didn’t lied about text me first and I could finally introduce ‘my children’ to him. Those anxious hours when I wonder did he just say that for formality finally washed away. I couldn’t be more satisfied when he replied vigorously, thanks me endlessly and said he will make sure to read all of books that I include on the list, with no exception – he emphasized. Well, I wonder how much time he will spend to read all of it because I just give him a list that includes more than 50 books.

After talking about that list, our conversations lead naturally to something else, and surprisingly we have a lot of things to talk to – to the point it consumed our sleep time. When I opened my eyes late in the morning, I don’t want to wake up and face this world that no matter how I want to deny it - is unfair.

Yes, how could someone that perfect exist?

**

At first, we just talked on our SNS and chat about stuffs we put interest in – mostly talked about my book’s recommendation he recently finished. But as time goes by, he occasionally joined me in the library, said a simple hello while lift his book, “my 3^rd book.” he smiled, and then sit on the floor – only a meter away from me. I just simply nodded, but every time he sit there, I asked myself whether it is save for my sake or not, and glanced nervously to my surroundings, checked every minutes just in case his fangirls caught us and gone mad. And I hate myself for it – he just sit there and I sit here, we barely talk to each other and just dissolved in our world, and what am I so afraid for? But even if his fangirls truly caught us – and made me truly anxious, he handled the situation casually, smiled and told them in polite manner, “Oh, this book is so interesting. You guys should read it too.” His fangirls then would gather around him, asked about the book he read, and I sighed at how obvious their forced reactions are. I could tell it that none of them ever interested on such book.

But he is different. He doesn’t care if they interested or not – even although I’m one hundred percent sure he know who is interested and who is not. He smiled at them, answering their questions cheerfully, literally giving them what they want and to be honest, he just being his usual self though – nothing new.

After those girls left, he still smiled, but his smile slowly faded away. His shining eyes earlier slowly become dull. Without word, he back to his book again. I suddenly feel so strange – in a bad way. His aura is so different than before, and although my eyes fixed on my book, none of its letter could catch my attention anymore. I’m too busy finding right word to describe his strange aura, and till he patted my back and excused himself first, I’m still struggling with myself.   

**

I can’t tell whether I’m so damn excited or terribly irritated because I just made myself surrounded around with my favorite person along with bunch of annoying people aka ‘him’ and his friends – in another word – my seniors. I’ve elected to be the part of campus organization, and I was the only junior that genuinely hates them. My friends basically grateful and quickly get along well – in honest word – turn themselves as ‘senior’ servant without second thought. It’s the easiest way to pleased them, you idiot – they would tell me. None of us like them though, but we used such a different way to express it. I never know I’ll able to shot a cold glare to my senior when he just throwing his task at me like that and I never know too I was brave enough to refuse it – of course with a coherent reason and I didn’t know too that my senior eventually gave up – made me ended as everyone’s enemy that I expected with so much anticipation.

I’ve passed my high school period with so much ordeal – being bullied and not able to stand in my own opinion and I’m so done with it. I’ve passed that – and there’s no way I would let myself to be in that kind of hell again.  

The only person that appreciated me in this circle of inferno is no other than him. Although it’s kind embarrassing but I wouldn’t mind to admit that I’ve passed till this second is all thanks to his strong influence. He’ll support the right side no matter what and in another word – he mostly support me whenever I argued because yeah, they just have no solid reason beside want to torture their juniors – especially me. His word work sort like a law because his opinion is respected by all people, and that’s how he save me numerous times.

“You’re cool.” he once said, after I won an argument with the most feared senior. I just give him a weak smile, “Well, if you weren’t there, I’m pretty sure we could still continue till the dawn.” He laughed and nodded, “Yeah. But I’m pretty sure too you will still win it even if the fights take weeks and without my presence.”

He then talked about other things, trying to cheer me up – he said it by himself, but I couldn’t feel truly happy because I could sense a jealous and bitter stare towards me whenever he is beside me, and it made me wonder do every girl that stand beside him receive these kind of stares.

“Jieun, let’s go to that new café. I need to talk about the 8^th book.” he said, distract me from thinking about hundred bad things that will happen to me if he still stood next to me for next minutes, “They said the foods are delicious and the prices are awesome.”

“Wait, I need to make sure that we have same perception about ‘awesome price’.” I replied instantly, completely washed away those bad thoughts.

“Cheap and affordable?” he suggested, and he earns a wicked smile from me.

“Let’s go.”

**

I hate the fact that I have to remind myself to not delusional over his-whatever-acts towards me. He is equally kind and that’s all. I’m just happening to be that someone who recommended him a lot of interesting books and be the only one he could discussed it with. And even although I make sure to let our relationship named only as a senior and junior, but I couldn’t help to blush embarrassingly whenever my friends teased me.

“C’mon, you guys are on the same organization, both of you help each other a lot, he often come to our class only looking for you, you and him read together on the library so often, you and lately you guys often to hang out outside the campus too. And look at your chat history, the only chat that has so long conversation is with him. Doesn’t it mean something?”

“No, no. You guys know well him. He just too… kind.”

“But still, it’s suspicious though.”

And I have to make them sure that we have nothing serious between us, we’re just merely a book-discussion-partner, a senior-and-junior, basically a person that coincidentally have so much things in common. There is no in between, I insisted.

When I walk through the campus hallway, I realize then that can’t lie to myself that I somehow hope we’re just more than that. What’s ‘more’ though?

I can’t answer to that, but when I caught him in between group of girls, talking to them with such smile and receive their presents, asked them enthusiastically about the recipe of the chocolates they gave to him, making a promise to visit the shop with them sometime, I realized then.

I’m such a fool thinking I was different.

**

He is on his 13^th book when came to me and suddenly uttered, “I just read something from my 13^th book and it inspires me to do something.”

“Not something strange, right?”

He chuckled, “No, just a question. And you have to be that person who answered.”

“Why me, though? You have plenty people you could asked to, rather than interfere me and this chasing-deadline-assignment.” I replied, trying to sound as normal as I could.

“Indeed, but oh C’mon, Jieun. I know you could finish it in no matter of time.” he teased, “I’m extremely curious about you answer. So here is it, can you describe me – what kind person I am?”

Much to my own surprise, the answer is popped out of nowhere from my mind, as if it were the question that I waited for such a long time and need to be told as soon as possible.

“Elementary Education.” I answered without doubt. Clear and short, I’m somehow proud of myself. He stared at me for seconds, probably waiting for me to continue, but I think that’s enough already – and that only caused his burst of laughter.

“Ah, seriously. You always surprised me.” he said between his laugh.

“I take that as compliment.”

He continued his laugh and I just back to my assignment, deciding not to give much attention to his smile or I won’t be able to continue this. After contain his self, he asked back, “And what is that supposed to mean?”

For this question, I have it already in my mind but need an extra time to process it in words. I stare at him, sighed inside and finally said the bitter truth, “You love everyone and take interest in them equally.”

And that’s precisely why I can’t hope for ‘more’.

He looks amazed for some time, before his smile slowly faded like the old time when I saw it at the library. His eyes softened, and he let a different smile – a bitter one – and for God sake, I didn’t know why he turned like this.

“You tend to be quiet all the time but whenever you speak, you only said the exact truth.” he mumbled.

“And is that compliment too?” I asked lightly, although deep inside I’m confused enough to see his changing mood.

“Absolutely.” he said, not in his usual cheerful tone. When I’m in the middle gathering my courage to asked him what’s wrong, he suddenly speak back to his cheerful tone that made me quite surprised,

“I want to take you somewhere great this evening. And I won’t take a no.”

sorry for late update. i change the plot and it become more than one chap and eventually got stuck, but still i hope you like it and thank you so much for reading this!