"leave," i said, breaking the silence.

there he stood, eyes blood-red with unshed tears as he processed the word i said through his mind.

those angry eyes that were once so tender and loving. sound of raindrops outside. that's all i could see and hear.

and the fight was awful.

it started two days ago, on our three-years anniversary day. he was late, as usual. he would usually knock my apartment door, i would usually ask him for the password for thousands of times and he would whine, begging me to let him in. he would bring junk foods, he would wear his hoodie that i gave him for his birthday and i would wear the socks he gave me on mine.

we would cuddle all day, all night.
we wouldn't go outside.
we would watch anything that's interesting, for we don't wanna waste our money to go to the cinema.
we would mix different kinds of foods and eat it though it tastes like anyway.
and we would actually give a kiss or a peck on the cheek to one another at random times, like usual.

but then that night, he asked me how we would actually live after we break up.

i remember the hint of seriousness in his eyes, the ones i would dare be drowned into.
i remember how he cover it up with lies that sounded like "i'm just joking okay!"

i remember that i actually believed him and said that i can't even imagine how life would be without him

he didn't smile

later that night, i remember that beautiful lips, tainted with words of "let's actually break up" "i'm serious" "let's go on our separate ways"

but none of that got me

i remember the sky was a shadow and tears covered the sparkle in his eyes

i also remember how he sit there solemn and said that he didn't want me

and that got me.

i remember being stupid and said ok
i remember the tiny hint of sadness in his eyes as if he strained himself from saying "don't let me go"
i remember shedding a thousand drops of tears as i watch him pack his bags and got out of my apartment

but i clearly don't remember him coming back.

the next day and i woke up beside an empty spot on the bed. the next day and i would usually make breakfast for him. the next day and there are no signs of him. no proves that last night was just a nightmare.

i spend the day hanging out with my family, them asking how he's been doing. and i smiled saying that he's all fine.

i spend that night alone.
i spend that night looking at my phone.
i spend that night screaming his name.
i spend that night hoping that he would came.

again today, i woke up beside an empty spot.

but he came back.

he came back

his hair wet,
eyes filled with tears,
sweat forming on his entire body,
and a smile, creeping on his face as he found my eyes.

oh that smile. that very smile that would send me to oblivion. that smile that made me smile even harder. that smile that made me fell even deeper.

he was on his knees, begging for forgiveness. he was on his knees, saying it's all a mistake and he's not on his right mind. he was on his knees, and he said i love you, once more.

i cried, i asked him why he did that
i cried, i said he was a devil
i cried, i cursed for many times
i cried, i told him it's nice that we broke up and that he should never appear in my eyesight anymore.

he got up on his feet. he shook my shoulders and said that he really do love me and that two days ago he wasn't on his right mind.

so i told him, "so spending the day with me, is actually the thing you do when you're not in your right mind"

he screamed that he love me. i screamed that he didn't.
he screamed that he love me. i screamed that he is a liar.

he grabbed my shoulders once more as he try to make me look at his eyes. he said he love me.
i shook his hands off and said i didn't.

"i will never forgive you," i said. "i did everything, but you threw it all away"

"i was wrong," he said. "i love you. i always do and always will. i love you so much it hurts. let me comeback to you"

"what and break up with me again!?" i yelled. "do you think i'm that easy?! do you think i love you enough to accept this kind of apology!? do you think we will be together again!?"

"i love you! and i know you still love me!" he yelled. "i will never be that guy that broke up with you two days ago, i will never do anything that will dissapoint you, and i know it'll never be the same but please give me a try! give us a try"

"I TOLD YOU I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO YOU!" i screamed. "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!"

"NO, SENA!" he screamed. "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I KNOW THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME! YOU STILL LOVE ME SO IT UP AND JUST ACCEPT ME!"

he suddenly calmed down and said in a very inaudible sound, barely even harder than a whisper, "please... i love you"

his eyes gave a hint of sadness. a big hint of sadness.

those pair of eyes are pleading. those pair of eyes are lost.

suddenly silent spread over us as we look at each other.

suddenly tears stained my cheeks. suddenly his hands clenched into fists.

"leave," i said, breaking the silence.

there he stood, eyes blood-red with unshed tears as he processed the word i said through his mind.

those angry eyes that were once so tender and loving. sound of raindrops outside. that's all i could see and hear.

"what?" he asked.

i sighed, "i said leave" "i don't want you anymore"

the tears that's once filled his eyes are now flowing like a river on his cheeks. he sighed and whispered, "why?"

"because i remember the sky was a shadow and tears covered the sparkle in your eyes," "i also remember how you sat there solemn and said that you, didn't want me, soonyoung."

with that, he leaves, never to be seen again.
with that, i fell on my knees as i know now that soonyoung, will never be mine, once more.