“Farewell“

Liking that song
Liking that road, that’s not it, that’s not it,
I like the song we listened to together
Roads we used to walk together, it’s true

From the beginning, this ugly appearance,
I should’ve showed you my shabby self first

Tell me first
Not ambiguously but a bit more clearer,
Like a fool, I
Words that said to be well, words that said thank you

What do I do? I don’t know anything.

Taeyeon and Yoona kept talking for the rest of the night... about everything… or let’s face it… almost anything. Older girl thought about confessing for a couple of times, but never dared to open .

Firstly,  Taeyeon convinced herself that it was pointless at this point: Yoona is going to leave, she’s not going to change her mind, it doesn’t even matter what Taeyeon says.

This place was just a short stop for younger girl, like a vacation. She came here way earlier than Taeyeon, and she decided that it is time to face the real world again. Taeyeon favored her strenght, she even felt jealous of Yoona's braveness. In a lot of ways they were similar… they wanted to escape and leave everything behind, but they both knew it can’t last forever.

Taeyeon wanted it to last forever though, that’s where they opinions reach a breaking point. After a lot of conversations with Taeyeon, it made Yoona realize that life is not that simple, that everyone has bumps along the way, the important thing is how people react to things thrown at them. She also knew that her profession, was something Yoona liked doing… despite all the haters, or lack of privacy, it was something that made her happy.

Yoona was ready to find her way back, while Taeyeon was still lost and unsure.

Just like mentioned before, there were certain moments when Taeyeon was close to confessing, but stopped herself. Firstly, fear of rejection played the biggest part here, she just couldn’t handle getting her heart broken. Secondly, she knew that she’s losing Yoona either way, but at least now Yoona kept on dreamingly mentioning that they could meet again. Maybe re-meet each other.

It sounded weird, but at the same time it gave Taeyeon false hope. Maybe they could meet new versions of themselves,  when they won't be broken anymore… they  did help the other with some fixing, but maybe it is time for them to stand on their own. For that, they need to leave past behind, even the past that involved time spend together.

Without any reason,
Are people who walk alone like me?

Today, I won’t be embraced
I’ll turn back after seeing your face

Tell me first
Not ambiguously but a bit more clearer,
Like a fool, I
Words that said to be well, words that said thank you

Today, somehow to me
You look very unfamiliar
Please, so you can know me
Make it so you’ll understand

Despite all that fake hope that Taeyeon gave herself, even though Yoona's eyes shouted honesty and sincerity, it still broke older girl a little bit when next day Yoona left. They hugged for the longest of time, and after it Yoona sat in a taxi, waved for the last time and drove away. Standing in one place for longer than 10 minutes and staring at the car that soon disappeared behind the mountains, Taeyeon sigh silently and turn around. That was the only thing that she could do. Turn around… nothing would change ever if she’s stared into space for longer period of time.

Nothing could change the fact that Yoona left this place first… and she left it because Yoona wanted to find happiness on her own. Taeyeon could never blame younger girl for that.

That’s right, truthfully, I

Watched you today, without you knowing

One day another co-worker woke Taeyeon early in the morning with excitement.

Taeyeon made a promise to Yoona to keep on ‘fighting’ whatever demons she had. Even though there was no Yoong around to check on her, she kept  this promise.

Taeyeon tried to occupy her mind with positive thoughts. She kept on thinking about the future, dreaming about that well deserved happiness. Everyone just wants to be happy in the end. Taeyeon convinced herself that at some point she might find it too. And it is not like she was unhappy… who was she kidding, Tae kept on enjoying this place even after Yoona left.

Going back to the point when her co-worker appeared and asked Taeyeon to join her excitedly, they both sat in front of TV watching the latest news. That’s when Taeyeon understood why this girl was so excited that morning. It didn’t take long for Yoona’s face to appear on the screen.

Taeyeon’s heart flutter after seeing the face she missed. She saw the genuine smile, the same one Yoong shared once in a while, when the girl excitedly told everyone about her upcoming movie.

Though Yoona didn’t know that Taeyeon saw her, since they barely had time for the ‘news’ channel in the mountains, it still made Taeyeon happy for that particular  moment. Sometimes other people happiness… can be a source our happiness too.

NEED U
Words that said to be well
Words that said thank you
What do I do, I don’t know anything

Now I can withstand,
But the last farewell is really disappointing
Goodbye

Four months passed quickly. Yoona left. Taeyeon stayed. Still the last words from younger girl still kept on repeating in Taeyeon's mind:

“Be brave enough to face the real world again. You can’t hide forever. When you do… who knows… maybe we will get a chance to see each other again.”

It did felt like the last farewell. Neither Yoona, nor Taeyeon knew how long it might take for older girl to be brave enough, to get back home. They didn’t even know if they might get a chance to see each other. It was all just words.

But finally Taeyeon felt ready.

Ready to get back.

Ready to fight for her own happiness.

“Gemini“

What words should I say?
What thoughts are you immersed in like that?
You and I remain here
Full of anticipation, your whispers
Like a dream we’ve drawn together, you and I
Will we be able to love?
Come to me baby
Come come to me baby
Us of the glorious past days

Oh remember, we liked
We cried and also laughed
So we can go back to that time in the beginning (You)
We were always together, we became alike
I can’t even imagine fogetting you,
We were one, me and you
You you you, yeah, oh yeah

After finally deciding to head back home I had my doubts… whether I should keep on going. Wonders if this hotel away from civilization is a place where I should lock myself and never leave, since it felt like the safest choice.

Actually, doubts is something that keeps on following us wherever we go: either it is about feelings/love, job choice, friendships… come on, sometimes we even have doubts if there is any point of waking up in the morning.

Only the constant responsibilities reminds us about it and get us going. So it is understandable that I had a short breakdown when Yoona left. Honestly, she became a part of my daily routine, like a friend you get to see every day and it is weird when you don’t have that privilege anymore.

One more thing that I have to notice is how familiar we become after so much time spend together. We shared the same views about important stuff, same opinions about small and insignificant daily routine questions, same dreams about the future and finding something that will keep us going for the rest of our life and give us strength.

It was not only that but also the thing where we started doing things in the same way. And yes, I mean small things: like the way you pick up tea, how many sugar you put in your coffee, when it is the time for a short break and so on.

It was our co-workers who noticed that we even started laughing in the same manner, or how we kept telling and retelling them same jokes that we shared between us.

Maybe all of this, and because we sort of became like one, was the reason why I managed to keep on fighting even when she left. Why I didn’t feel empty when I saw her face in TV while talking about her new upcoming movie. Why I realized that at some point I’ll manage to face the world again, just like before, but this time — more prepared. More positive. More… hopeful.

Our eyes that always looked at the same place,
It keeps becoming disjointed
Even though you’re nearby, I can’t see your heart
Like how the moon quickly blooms when the sun sets,
I hope you’ll return to me as if nothing happened,
The painful now will disappear afar like a dream

Come to me baby
Come come to me baby
Come to me like a shooting star

And I did… I finally got back home. I reconnected with some of my friends, after all this time, I get a better understanding which of them cared and missed me, and which forgot about me altogether.

I reconnected with my family, realizing that I need to show emotion too. I can’t expect them doing everything for me, it can’t be one sided, and all this time…I was at fault too.

Is it weird to say that I feel that Yoona was still the reason that kept me going. At the very start, when I haven’t met the girl, only saw her in music videos and movies, I already felt the connection…I saw her hidden sadness.

Now… whenever I got a chance to see her in my computer screen or on TV, I saw her smiling eyes, I noticed honesty, I noticed how she changed during this time and became a fighter… just like me.

When in the past, I looked at her sad eyes — I felt depressed and broken. When I looked at her now and saw happiness — I couldn’t help but answer that with a smile of my own. Only now I realized that younger girl was always a part of my life, whether she wanted this or not.

Also, I have realized that she will always stay in my life. It doesn’t matter if I don’t get to see her in person again. She has already won a place in my heart for the eternity and beyond.

Like the beginning, me and you
You you you, yeah, oh yeah

In the sky, like a star with anticipation,
Kiss me
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me
If it’s not each other,
This light will disappear, yeah yeah

Warmth that remembers even small atmospheres
When you disappear,
The season is cold, my breathing becomes faint
Warm heart, small gestures (My only)
Before your breathing becomes faint,
(It becomes faint) Turn your footsteps (You)
Your star light that passes by me once
Two meaningless stars, if it’s not one
Forever, me and you
You you you, yeah, oh yeah
Baby, ooh, yeah
Should be me and you

Life can play trick on us humans. It has been a year since the last time I saw Yoona, in person, and I learn to live without her in my life. I accepted the reality that we won’t meet again and honestly, I was fine by that.

I never expected to meet Yoona accidentally, in the middle of the street with some paparazzi probably hiding in the bushes, since they did follow every younger girl move.

“Tae?”

“Yoona?”

She smiled so brightly while looking at me. Brighter than in the mountains, even brighter when I saw her on TV and she told the world about exciting news from her life and career.

She even surprised me with a hug. Strong grip around me and a short laughter.

“I thought I’ll never see you again! Why didn’t we exchange numbers or something?” she asked reasonably, still smiling when she pulled away, just so she could look straight into my eyes.

I haven’t thought about this before… maybe I thought that Yoona wouldn’t want to see me again ‘in the real world’, I’m not sure why we haven’t kept in touch. We could have written emails to each other, we could have talked on the phone before either of us falls asleep. We could have reached out to each other whenever we felt like it.

“You’re not escaping me this time,” she took my hand while walking slowly to a cafe near by. I haven’t been in this place before, but from the moment we walked inside, I knew that I’ll want to come here again and again.

“I will give you my phone number, email, Instagram, twitter, Tumblr, LINE, Kakao what else there is?” she asked excitedly after we finally found the place to sit and talk.

I couldn’t help it, but smile back. It was the same Yoona that I met in the mountains, just happier one, more excited one. I forgot all the times when I avoided the girl, because of my stupid feelings that got in the way, and just listened to her. Gosh, I could listen to Yoona for the rest of my life, just sitting in silence without saying any words.

She could tell me about how slow turtles are and I would still find it fascinating. That’s why I agreed to meet her whenever she wants to see me again and promised to keep in touch.

That is probably the reason why… few months later… when Yoona stopped her stories and smiled waiting for my reaction, I accidentally blurt out without giving a second thought about my words:

“I like you.”

Yoona’s answer surprised me though. I haven’t imagined her saying it back (not even in my dreams.) “Finally! I like you too. Actually… I started liking you back in the mountains, but… maybe it wasn’t the right time.”

We became similar like that. Like ‘Gemini’… holding our feelings inside since we felt that the timing wasn’t right, and expressing it to each other only now, when we managed to get better without relying on other people.

We found our own happiness and when we succeeded with that… we also managed to find a way into each others heart.

[THE END]