“Stress“  Part 1

I’m angry for some reason, oh, deep in my heart,
Words come up that I’ve kept hidden,
You linger in my head, your one word that stings,
Can’t spit it out, it’s unlike me

All of the words wrapped around you
Oh, blah blah blah
When anyone sees it, you, you’re such a bad guy
Why was I pulled in, like a fool

Ah, your truth can be different
Ah, should I let you hear my honesty

Stress…

Is a word usually used to describe your mental state when you have a lot of tasks, but not enough time, when all the works you should have done before just falls onto your head and there is nowhere to run or hide anymore.

Stress…

Is usually used for situations when other people expect too much from you. They keep demanding things that you can’t provide to them and you can’t get enough time or find a good place where you could took everything into your own hands.

Stress…

Is a world that is used for various situations and the truth is that everyone on this planet knows what it means. There is not even one person who’s unfamiliar to a term called ‘stress’, and who hasn't experienced it before. We all did…and we keep on getting annoyed or angry about stuff in our daily lives. We can’t really hide from it, we simply need to find a way how to deal with it without losing our minds.

Stress…

People tend to use this term quite often. Whenever things gets too difficult for them to handle… they start complaining how it is the fault of other people or how they themselves provoked it at some point with their indecisiveness. There are even some exceptional people who can complain about stress every single day, if they get a chance they instantly start talking about it and there is no stopping them.

Stress…

That’s something that I’m really familiar with as well. I know all kinds of stresses: the ones where you’re scared of disappointing others, where you’re the biggest procrastination and can’t force yourself to do the task you were assign to do, where you feel lost and can’t barely fall asleep with all dark thoughts on your mind.

Ironically, even if you do fall asleep… it is just for a little while… your mind just fight you back and you find yourself with wide eyes staring at the ceiling and thinking about all the decisions that led you to this point. At moments like that you even start crying since it appears to be the only way to express yourself… there is no words for it… not really… and crying is a good stress relieved… even if it helps just for a bit of time.

Stress…

I have never thought that I’ll be stressing out about my feelings. Not until I met Im Yoona… not until I started realizing how I’m feeling about her… how my heart starts beating faster and my mind becomes blank. How I unconsciously blush and realize about it only when this girl teases me about it. All comes down to this… all this stress that I have been bottling up for the past two months comes down to her…

I’m stressed of being stressed… I’m stressed because I can’t have someone that I want  most in my life. I’m stressed since I can’t even tell her about it out of fear of rejection and the fact that it might ruin our friendship…

STRESS…

How I hate this word and the strong meaning behind it… who even come up with such a word?

 

You got me smoking cigarettes,
I’m in stress, baby
My breathing is suffocated,
My heart thumps, but
As I think of you, baby
Awaken my sleeping heart,
This night when I think of you,
When the world becomes dark,
I’ll deliver to you my shaking heart, oh
I can’t escape your side

 

I have caught myself on going back to my old habits. They never involved drugs and I’m not a strong drinker… I just always (even in the past) needed distractions and there is nothing that helps you calm down as much as cigarettes.

Yes… maybe that is the worst habit to have… everyone disapproves of it and it is not good for health… it shortens your life span as well… but it is not like I’m planning to live forever. I wouldn’t even mind dying young… what is the point of living but not feeling alive?

Surprisingly Yoona brings something to my life. The light that I have mentioned before… it is like she’s glowing with it and inviting me to take a ray of it. I know she has been sad in the past… stressed about her life… about her future… maybe even as stresses as I am… but she never went this way and never searched for an easy way out.

The easiest way out for me is taking a cigarette between my lips and letting out smokes. I love the sight of it and it relaxes my body in a way. I’m not proud of it… I don’t tell people about it… but I don’t stop it either.

Honestly… I haven’t smoked for four months… before this relapse, at least. It was all because of her as I practically spend all my work and free time with Yoona… but lately I started distancing myself from younger girl… so this distraction creeped back into my life because of it. Few times I caught myself anticipating it (during our work hours by the way.) Anticipating the time when I can walk out and have five minutes break for myself.
 

It was during one of those moments when Yoona saw it for the first time, caught me in the act. Is it nothing to be ashamed of… but when it is Yoong… I couldn’t help but wish that it was someone else instead.

How did I get pulled in like this?
Temptation inside of fatal scent
Quickening heartbeat, this peculiar pull
It’s too strong to refuse

Sometimes, that familiar word,
Oh, blah blah blah
Ordinary confessions, whispers of that love,
I’m slightly jealous of it

Ah, how much longer do you want me to wait?
Ah, why are you the only one who doesn’t know my heart?

“Tae what…wait what are you doing here with… are you smoking?”

Yoong asked a bit confused, noticing how I tried to hide the cigarette behind my back. I couldn’t hide the smokes that it provided, nor I could hide the smell. There was actually no point in trying but for some reason, I wanted to lie…

“No, I just needed to take a break and get some fresh air."

“I really doubt that this counts as fresh air… wait… I did smell something the other day and asked you about it… you lied back then too?”

I know what Yoona is taking about, since I remember it pretty well too. She found me after work in the lobby just when I got back from outside and squinted her eyes commenting that I smell like some sort of smoke. I chuckled nervously but luckily for me a man (who is staying at the hotel) walked in and I blamed it on him. I’m pretty sure that I saw him dropping the cigarette before walking inside so even though Yoona had her doubts, my excuse sounded believable. She even apologized for accusing me and I nod my head avoiding her eyes and going back to my room as quickly as I managed before she figures it out.

“It is just…”, I didn’t know how to explain it, since I shouldn’t feel the need to explained it.

Yes… as Yoona said I’M LIKE HER BEST FRIEND… gosh.. one time she even called me like her older sister. So obviously she cares about my well being and my health. I just hate the fact how embarrassed I feel at the moment, especially because of that little lie before.

“How long you have been…?”

“Couple of years…maybe longer… I can’t remember when I started but it helps out with thoughts and stress… even if I know that is bad for my health, you don’t need to say it,” I ended in a rush and with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

“Oh…but I haven’t noticed you smoking for at least four months… are you that good at hiding it?” I wanted to say ‘Yes’ but what would be the point of lying?

“Mmm…I guess I stopped for some time…when I first came here… but it not easy to stay away from our old habits… I think I was just fooling myself when in fact, I can’t really stop since it is a part of me…”

I had no idea at that moment why… but her expression changed… like something flickered in her eyes, some sort of realization, recognition… it was written all over Yoona's face and even as good actress as she was… she couldn’t hide it…

I should have known that something was off… but I was too concentrated on my own thoughts so I couldn’t quite grasp it at that point. I could only look into darkness and without hiding anymore I took out another cigarette intending to finish it this time.

Yoona didn’t even try to stop me… only 10 minutes later I realized that she wasn’t even standing next to me anymore. Most likely, she just left after our short conversation not really caring what I’m going to do next.

You got me smoking cigarettes,
I’m in stress, baby
My breathing is suffocated,
My heart thumps, but
As I think of you, baby
Awaken my sleeping heart,
This night when I think of you,
When the world becomes dark,
I’ll deliver to you my shaking heart, oh
I can’t escape your side