“Stress“  Part 2

Deep night
The place you took up,
In the reverberation that permeates deeply
I unknowingly whisper your name once
The shadow that is strongly absorbed inside of me,
In your pull that spreads out again,
I can’t get out of it

Staying away from Yoona doesn’t really solve my problems. She still occupies my mind wherever I go, I still keep wondering ‘what if’ and I miss those times when we had laughed together and that‘s something we had done a lot in these past months before I started distancing myself. I blamed it on one simple word “Stress”… I lied that I’m too busy with work but I’m pretty sure that Yoong understood all of it was just my excuses.

She didn’t comment much about it and I can’t blame her… if someone started avoiding me… I would just do the same… I would slowly disappear out of their life and don’t meet them again. It is not that easy when we’re still working at the same place but I know that is what I would do…

I don’t know if I’m lucky or really unlucky that Yoona is not like me. She has a completely different mindset. At first, she kept trying to get my attention and spend time together just like we always did. Asking if I want to watch a movie, go for a walk, talk before sleep, drink tea… she kept suggesting all kind of things but my answer was always ‘No.’

After few months she stopped with the suggestions but even with such distance I still catch her eyes on me at times. I’m pretty sure she has noticed when I looked at her too… I just hope I wasn’t too obvious, since I tried to keep my distance but at the same time wanted to see her every day. I wanted to see her laugh even though someone else made her reach like that, wanted to see that smile that reaches her eyes whenever she’s truly interested and happy… I wanted to keep seeing her every single minute of the day — just like at the beginning.

I have known Im Yoona… the real Yoona … not the one that appeared in all of those dramas and music videos… for 8 months now… almost 9 if we count weeks and days… but sometimes I wondered if Yoona really knew me.

The real me…

The me that keeps hiding and staying away from her out of fear…

Without thinking about it I was the one that actually kept that distance...

(I made the thing — that I fear the most — reality).

I knew though… that Yoona doesn’t feel the same way as I do. I remember our conversation few months ago… while I still felt free and talked with her about everything and nothing. When we discussed a lot of topics, even those about sadness or depression. There wasn’t really a filter between us cause we wanted to understand each other and learn more about the other.

We felt like in a kindergarten… when you’re desperately trying to make a new friend and impress them… Most our topic couldn’t count as trying to impress the other… but we still discussed them. Even the so called ‘love’ and the simple act of ‘falling in love.’

“Maybe it would be weirder to talk if I know how it felt… I mean I love my family members, friends, there is no doubt in my mind… but romantic love… I’m good at faking it for songs and dramas but real life is a bit more complicated than that,” Yoong shrugged her shoulders quite innocently when for the second time I asked her what she knows about love.

“And haven’t we talked about this before? Or am I imagining things?”

“Yeah…once but shortly… I think I asked if you were ever in love…and told you that I don’t know much about it either…”

“Oh right! And then you told me that you had crushes in the past but it never escalated farther than that, I remember correctly, right?” this time Yoona smiled quite sheepishly and leaned forward raising her eyebrows in a seductive manner. Luckily for me (and my poor heart,) I haven’t fallen for her yet (back then,) so I just brushed it off by laughing and continued confessing truthfully.

“But I wouldn’t even know what to do… if I started feeling something… for someone… you know… that strong LOVE feeling… just like you… I’m only familiar with love for family and friends… sometimes I wonder if I even love them but…”

“Of course you do… it is just something we do unconsciously, without even thinking about it."

“Maybe you're right... but really what would you do if you ever fall in love with someone? Or…liked them very strongly and you know… it would feel like love? I guess it is quite simple to confuse love and liking, isn’t it?”

“There are probably differences but yeah… you need to start liking and then you can go deep for love, butterflies and that other stuff when…”

“Okay okay… so your answer?” I decided to cut her off this time, before Yoona recited everything that she has ever said in her movies, or sang in her songs. She likes to pretend that she‘s some sort of love expert, though all of her experiences comes from ‘faking things.’

“Honestly? I would just go and tell the person. It is better than keeping it inside. Obviously things would change after it, who knows if it would be a happily ever after with answered feelings or it will end up in a heart break… but it would still better to know and move from that.”

She shrugged and after couple of minutes considering her own words ask “and how about you miss ‘I don’t know anything’?”

Without thinking I simple shrugged my shoulders and whispered “I have…no idea…”

I wasn’t liking anyone back then, I just couldn’t imagine a situation where I would fall so hard for someone or what I would do then. I envied Yoona for planning to be so brave and straightforward and even though most of the time I tried to have an easy going character, I just couldn’t do the same.

Few months later I got an answer to my own question though: “I would avoid the person and try to forget about my feelings”…especially if the one I fell for is a girl…and a friend… a best friend…

Though with my stupidity, I couldn’t call us that anymore… I guess we’re co-workers and acquaintances, maybe somewhat friends, still we did spend time together (but only when other people were around too), or occasionally Yoona walked closer to me and randomly asked ‘how I am feeling,’ ‘Is everything alright.’

Looking back at all of it… other people (our co-workers) actually noticed that I’m having feelings for younger girl. Well at least two people definitely did since they came to talk with me… one of them was Sooyoung (we had same shifts so got to spend some time together and one time out of the blue she questioned if something is happening between Yoona and me.)

Of course I tried to lie but… am I a bad liar? She just didn’t believe me… in the end she commented that I’m probably having doubts which I should resolve and the sooner the better. I wasn’t sure why she said in this way and what time has to do with it… but I just nod my head unable to fight back the tears.

The other person that worked in a hotel for only three months was Sunny. Lee Soon-Kyu. We didn’t get a chance to work together but somehow our breaks align and I think she was as messed up as me, after some hurtful break up with her boyfriend, escaping to the world… so you know… smoking was also a bad habit of hers — to help and easy the tension.

We bonded in this way (or should I say — unhealthy way) and discussed certain things that kept happening around the hotel. Sunny subtly mentioned that she can feel the tension between Yoong and me, and that I should talk with the girl… maybe even tell her that I’m experiencing feeling for her.

I have no idea how the hell these people notice the things that I kept buried and continued lying to myself, but they looked at my face and just knew. I started feeling scared and wonder if Yoona can notice it too.

On the other hand, the conversation worked out… at least for gathering my courage and forcing myself to think that it is now or never… I decided to finally have a little chat with younger girl.

Little did I know… that the girl was planning just the same thing.

You got me smoking cigarettes,
I’m in stress, baby
I’m going crazy right now
My feelings are palpitating again,
Why? As I fill you in, baby
I want it more and more
This night, I think of you,
When the whole world of asleep,
I’ll deliver to you my burning heart, oh
I can’t escape your side

“Hey, could we talk? Maybe in my room…you know… where we used to watch movies and all?” I could hear how strangely it sounded but it didn’t scare Yoona away. She nod her head in agreement.

“Actually… there is something that I wanted to tell you too… so it is good that we ran into each other.”

I can’t remember how we got into my room but after walking inside we just sat on the sofa facing each other. Ready to start the conversation that I anticipated so much.

We both opened our mouths at the same time and laughed shortly because of the absurdity of it.

“Okay… maybe we can decide who’s going to speak up first. You can start,” I suggested with a nod of my head.

“It s a bit… difficult so you can talk first if you like…”

“No no…really I’m okay… I want you to start,” I insisted too scared to confess so suddenly.

Yoona considered it for a couple of seconds and finally sigh giving up “okay… so… do you remember our conversation when I caught you smoking? I know this sounds very random right now… but maybe you remember what you told me?”

I shook my head uncertain where Yoong was going with it. My mind was completely blank… I mean I do remember our conversation… but did I tell her something shocking back then?

“Don’t stress about it. You don’t need to remember it vividly… I was just curious… but I will repeat it since that phrase… I kept thinking about it for quite some time… it opened my eyes... you told me: I guess I stopped for some time…when I first came here… but it not easy to stay away from our old habits… I think I was just fooling myself when in fact, I can’t really stop since it is a part of me…”

This time I nod my head, remembering the words I said vividly, but not sure why they could be important in her case.

She smiled brighter this time, I really loved that smile, it mesmerized me every time… I guess I missed it a lot…

“The thing is… I love acting and singing… I guess… the stress just pilled up and I wanted to escape from the rest of the world for awhile… I mean… you definitely know how it feels when you want to leave everything behind… but it is not a permanent thing… it is just a short solution…and I think I’m ready now…”

“Ready?”

“Yes… ready to go back to the real world. Thanks to you… I’m ready to take everything that I left back into my hands… and actually… I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Quite instantly I opened my mouth to protest ‘it can’t be happening’…and who knows maybe I would have screamed and shouted, or at least cried if not that smile again…

genuine…

sincere…

happy…

What if…Yoona's happiness is not me? What if because of all that stressing and panicking I missed my chance?