Six | Love's Exchanges | Jongkey
Space-Hair | SHINee oneshot collectionI think I love you. Not in the way body loves bone, nor in the way foliage loves the petrichor of earth. Our love for each other isn’t one that compels us both to be because the other is, rather one that compels us to change how it is we be; I am no longer beset in tranquil woe and you are no longer as repressed as winter-sun. We are us, and we are perfect.
- Kibum.
•••
I think I love you, too. I'm not as candid with words, fresher than a saint when it comes to emotions, and given this flux of thesauri-chewing, whatever I say may make little sense to anyone but the ancient-teachers of language. But I could go back a thousand years, trawl through every word in every dictionary to ever have been borne from the ashes of burning lips, and I doubt I'd find a word, or a phrase, that could express what I feel for you.
- Jonghyun.
•••
Ah, alas, you've been cast to the orderly, to speak the words that we have rather than make new ones of your own. I am no better, no matter how whimsically I string them. A stranger won't listen to the inventions of another, but you may listen to mine, for you are a lover. A timeless lover, but a piece of ephemera, a beautiful man, with a penchant for the dark – how you even exist defies all law, for you are a walking contradiction, a contradiction to my heart.
- Kibum.
•••
You play words like I play a guitar – pluck the strings, gently, gently, gently… Until they snap, and the dissonance subsides in a chorus less-intended than a drought in rain-season. No better words could describe how I love you, a snap of time that fragments my thoughts. I see all in fractures now, as colours, augmented across a reality once greyer than the wax-like wings of prey-birds.
- Jonghyun.
•••
Birds of prey are curious souls, remind me frightfully of you if I dare make the comparison. Determined, ruthless, yet with meaning well-intended – many birds of prey only hunt to feed those close to them, those bundled in their gnarled nests. I am in your nest, and you feed me, ensuring I am safe behind the latching of leaves, the aurora of sun. You risk yourself so I can live – if one were to be theatrical, so I can fly.
- Kibum.
•••
The cliché of a love, I must say that I didn’t expect you to use it. Flight is synonymous with our timeline; we flit through the wisps of white cirrus clouds, and if you swoop in downward spiral, I twist through storm to find you. I've lost feathers, patterned ones, with speckles of skin-palette against my sullen expression. You’ve lost more. If you rise, wings beating in constant metronome, then so shall I, and we will share that empty blankness above the clouds with only each other, for I want only you.
- Jonghyun.
•••
And as I only you. Though birds die, and though with our corpses our love will be buried, forgotten, dissipated by soil and loam and dust, in this life we will feel. This is all we know, this is our everything. When we die, the world may as well die with us, for it exists only to us as we do. When this stretch passes, when I cripple from age or am struck by misfortune, we will fade, but we will do-so together, and do-so in love.
- Kibum.
•••
I fear for your death, more-so than my own. Though we will pass quicker than music silences in broken-orchestra, our presence still happened, and our love still was, and therefore we are forever, and we are always. You may think me blind for believing that once beauty has been, it will exist until forgotten, and though you compensate me with the idea that all those who have seen us will pass too, there is more to nature than humanity. The cerulean skies have watched us kiss and the salt-spray of sea has mimicked our love, and they will remember us, even when we are nothing but skeletal.
- Jonghyun.
•••
Why would you fear for me? If I were to die, you could remember my being, could sleep where I slept and eat what I ate and live as I did, with you in my mind. If you were to die, there would be no remembrance. You would be as you were before birth, you would be the nothingness I'd cling to until I too was grave-side. No longer could you know me, no longer could you care.
- Kibum.
•••
Then I'd find myself a heaven, I'd create that for you. My soul would transcend the boundaries of existence, build white walls and serendipity between the eaves of lost-space. I'd await you, until you came, and instead of plentiful s and the gift of forever-blessing, I'd have you, the only one who could ever sate my longings, could ever hew out my goodness, could ever be a blessing.
- Jonghyun.
•••
I love you. Every inch of me is caressed by the velvet of your voice, my skin sedated by the soft touch of your palms. I feel you when I need you most, my very being wrapped in vine, that grows and grows and grows; oh, take my limbs, my sinew, my marrow, and let this ivy flourish, for without it I am bare, I am barren, I am but a garden without seed, a body without love, a man without you.
- Kibum.
•••
Seeds take toil to germinate, to grow. Am I your sunlight, your rainfall, your feed and your planter? Am I the insect that les pollen, am I the creature that nourishes soil, the moisture that humbles air and the light that gives you rise? If all, then I am yours, exclusively. Take my radiated warmth, my wet blots of rain, the sting that I carry and the pallor of my light. Take every inch of me, every part, for it is yours.
- Jonghyun.
•••
Then I will take it without hesitation. I'll take the silhouette of your body in darkness, and the tanned flush of your skin in day. I'll take the untamed tufts of your silky brunette hair and the kaleidoscopic meld of gold and hazel in your irises. If you hand me it so daintily, I will accept with no respite. One does not take gifts they intend to return. If you wear such fine ribbon, then take you I will, and return you I won't.
- Kibum.
•••
I am gladly yours. It is nearing Autumn, now. The leaves are changing, from green to russet, and then to blackened, lifeless things when Winter offers its first empty splutter. If I watch the seasons pass, they reflect a change of colour only retraced by our love. Spring is a birth, Summer is a pique, Autumn is nostalgia and Winter is hibernation. When we sink behind the concaved lens of snow and of frostbite, I will hold you until you feel Spring once more, beating down on your neck, framing your eyelashes. The cold will dispel in a menagerie of bud-and-bloom, and we can be born once-again, together.
- Jonghyun.
•••
I await Spring like patient awaits care. We will traverse damp pathways and drag hands through the newest of dew-stricken grass. Lips will create kisses across skin that is renewed, and hearts will tamper minds that are refreshed from such sleep. Until then, I shall curl against you, and your heart shall beat, and I will feel that rhythmic mantra, and know that as you rest, then I will rest too, for without you, I am not awake.
- Kibum.
•••
I see you in my sleep. Ghostly, a spectre. You are often dressed in white, in fabric translucent, so I can trace the curve of your body, the sharp cut of your collarbone. Framed by night, you are angelic, untainted and unworn by the sins we've both subdued. I touch you and you quiver, a harp-string passing vibration, and when you succumb to my hand, I succumb to your body, and we are one, and we are perfect, and we exist only in the realms between reality and dream. If I wake and you are not there, I feel a dysphoria only relished by the mourning. If I wake and you are not there, then I shut my eyes and try my best to find you.
- Jonghyun.
•••
It is late now. Lest I burden you with my loathsome ramblings, let me leave you with my image, in white. I am not with you on this eve, but in your dreams I can be forever present. You touch me, and I quiver, and when I succumb to your hand, you succumb to my body. Though but a faint apparition, a formation of my conscience in the depths of your mind, I hope you still feel me enough to understand that I am always with you, I am always there. Though distance may burden us, elapse our bond in the pit of mentality’s anhedonia, I will never stop loving you, I will never stop feeling.
- Kibum.
•••
As I will always love you. It is a lonely night by oneself. The walls are crude, the windows rampant with a view too distasteful to understand. Chill nips at skin and love remains unconquered in a bed that has the space for one more. I will miss you, Kibum. I will miss you so dearly.
- Jonghyun.
•••
Then think of me in darkness, think of me as you rest. When your eyelids flicker shut, lidded behind the stresses of your day, learn to see me in such vision. I will hold you soon, Jonghyun, and we can love again. For now, however, I bid you farewell, for I can bare to write no longer, my fingers stiff from lethargy, body numb from missing you. Adieu, my love, adieu. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
- Kibum.
•••
Goodnight, Kibum. I love you.
- Jonghyun.
•••
And I love you, too.
- Kibum.
•••
A/N I don't even know what this is, seriously, other than probably the most pretentious thing to grace this website e.e it is really dry and uneventful so I was worried posting it, but hey... C'est la vie, if it isn't liked, it isn't liked, and that is all there is to it. Plus Jongkey was once my life omg ToT anyway, thank you for reading, don't hesitate to drop by with a comment, and... <3
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