"Taekwoon hyung? Why do you suddenly want to talk to me? You know.. I'm kind of in a hurry."

It was Sanghyuk's unique art of dealing with people like Taekwoon, avoiding blaming them for a burden with a bright smile he always had.

"It's just that-"

"Sanghyuk! Hurry up! We'are gonna miss the lift to the peak!"

"I-I like you a lot. A lot a lot."

Taekwoon hid his face to prevent himself from seeing any nauseated expression on Sanghyuk's face. But he had never thought, just after almost a second of his confession that he had to build up his confidence for in months, Sanghyuk excused himself to follow Hongbin's grip not to miss the skiing section.

"Hyung! I'm gonna text you when i'm back to the hotel okay?!"

There he shouted, with his hand in Hongbin's.

And Taekwoon only waved, with hesistance. A faint okay whispered escaped his lips, just like a chain of white smoke into the cold air of the ski resort.

__________________________

'I'm sorry, hyung. I'm already with Hongbin, I couldn't return your feelings. Please forgive me, let's continue being friends, okay?'

It was the expected answer, yet Taekwoon couldn't help but sigh.

He wished Hakyeon hadn't had to go on a private vacation with his girlfriend so he could cuddle with someone on his bed out of the same old agony, while being the only one of the crew to share his room with no one.

__________________________

Left. Right. Every single seat in the dining hall had been taken. Maybe he should go out building a snowball and send a picture of it to Hakyeon to wait for some empty spots. Or playing with the hotel's owner's cat, she was fluffy and adorable with her behaviours, always leaning into his hand and purring. 

Left. Right. There was Sanghyuk chatting enjoyably with the crew, sitting next to Hongbin. With the same smile.

Left. Right. Maybe he didn't have to wait, he wasn't hungry anyway.

__________________________

'Taekwoon hyung, where are you? Everyone has almost finished lunch already.'

And 2 missed calls.

'Maybe the owner gave me too much kitkat this morning. You don't need to worry.'

The ski resort was huge, and he didn't mind walking the dog for the old man at the hotel, his doberman was cute anyway. He had learned to absorb cuteness as food to fill his stomach since long ago, and it was beneficial once in a while, when the meal spitted out drunk people for him to be the only sane one to take care of them. Taekwoon wasn't fond of the idea of Sanghyuk or any of his friends sleeping beside Han River, it was way too dangerous.

'If you feel hungry, go to the kitchen and tell them your name. I have told them to preserve one meal for you, hyung.'

He didn't give Sanghyuk his heart out of nothing.

__________________________
 

Sanghyuk was a kind-hearted kid.
Then he was a kind-hearted man.

A kind-hearted man with a playful youthful side to help Taekwoon when he was dying in pain, left by Wonshik cheek to cheek with Jaehwan, accepting the risk of the older falling for him, for Hongbin's boyfriend.

How kind-hearted he was, wanting to see his friend smiling again, even with the acknowledge of the chances his taciturn hyung might be drown in the same pond again.

But, Sanghyuk couldn't just stand there, watching Taekwoon disappearing.

How could he.

__________________________

'Hyung, you don't even come to dinner! We are one vacation please don't torture yourself!'

And 3 missed calls.

'I ate the meal the kitchen left for me, you don't need to worry.'

A trembling sigh.

'You can't lie to me, hyung. I asked the kitchen already and the meal is still untouched. Go to the dining hall please!'

'Please stop texting me and eat, Hyukkie. You don't need to care for me. Continue holding hand with Hongbin, please.'

A quicker reply.

'Taekwoon hyung. I told you to never say things like that.'

It was a long pause for Sanghyuk to receive a message of 'I'm sorry.'

__________________________

'Hyung, you can't just skip your meals like this.'

'I don't feel hungry, that's all.'

'What's the point of coming to this ski resort with the whole crew but enjoying nothing, hyung?'

'I don't want to upset people by not going, that's all. They don't notice my absence here, so it's fine.'

'But I do notice. You can't just come here for some pets, you know? If it's about my rejection, i'm sorry, okay? I care for you, i really do, but i can't do anything. Please take care of yourself.'

There was a huge bang in Taekwoon's heart, and he felt like confessing again. He could feel the presence of his lightless apartment again.

'It's my own decision to love you. It's my own decision to be sad.'
'It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself.'
'Hongbin is one of the greatest people i have ever met, too.'
'It's not your fault, you helped me so much.'
'It's not your fault.'

He wished he could call Hakyeon, but he must be sleeping safe and sound next to his soon-to-be-bride. 

So he locked his door, and wrapped himself in his own blanket with a long chain of cough.

"It's not your faults to love someone that's not me."

Taekwoon always thought maybe he wasn't the kind to be loved, but loved easily. He wasn't desperate for love, but he was scared of loneliness.

__________________________

It was his turn to help Sanghyuk. 

'Hyukkie, have you eaten.'

'I know you don't feel like eating, but please, you need to take medicine after that.' 

'You can ignore me but please eat.'

'I'm coming to your house.'

Even when Taekwoon finally arrived and saw a pretty man under Sanghyuk, he asked if the younger had taken medicine.

Maybe he wasn't the type to be chosen, too.

Taekwoon cooked for Sanghyuk, after the other man had left, and it was his duty, as he claimed himself, to sate him, after Hongbin decided to break up. 

After Sanghyuk came, released his grip from the older's hips and buried himself into Taekwoon's neck to cry out loud, to call for Hongbin, the older just shushed him to sleep, with a hand patting his hair, and a hand soothing his back.

This was how to pay back.

He had to reminded Sanghyuk many times that there was no karma here, because he hadn't done any of those bad things, to be punished, to worry about.

His breath came to normal, with his eyelids shut, and that was all Taekwoon needed.

__________________________

Hongbin, a great man.

His Hyukkie, a great man.

And he couldn't blame anyone for Hongbin's feelings fading away, the reason of the breakup.

He looked at himself in the mirror.

Maybe that was why just a not that great person like him wasn't loved.

But he could love Sanghyuk, to remind his precious kid how great the younger was.

 

__________________________

 

After a week of long nights with nonstop easing hands, Sanghyuk had almost come back to normal, which could bring Taekwoon to tears easily.

"Hyukkie, you wanna go watch the fireworks?"

A shake.

"Then would you like some new frappuchino from Starbucks? They have it only for this eve. I can go get them for you."

A nod.

"Okay, if you want something you can text me, Hyukkie ah."

__________________________

 

There was no text coming.

And there was no sign of Sanghyuk in the apartment.

The kid left his phone home.

He shouted, and shouted, and waited.

And when the younger was finally here in his embrace and sniffing questions full of worries, Taekwoon simply received an answer.

"I saw him from the balcony."

Wide eyes, and again, a breathy sigh.

"Let's drink and go to sleep, okay? It has been a long night for you." He tightened his hug. "You must be tired."

"You aren't angry at me?"

Taekwoon's facade was still softened.

"No, i don't. Don't worry."

He just looked away.

"And what can i do, anyway."

__________________________

Bottles and bottles of tranquilliser, Sanghyuk noticed. And they weren't his.

"Wo-Woah, Hyukkie-"

Taekwoon jerked in Sanghyuk's sudden embrace while still cutting the carrot in the kitchen, and he couldn't shoo the blush on his cheeks away.

"Why do you-"

"Please eat. You're way thinner now. And i'm here all fat because of you."

 

__________________________

 

 

"Aren't you annoyed?"

"By what, Hyukkie?"

"By the fact that I chased after him while walking with you today."

Sigh.

"Is that a question to be answered?"

"Yes."

Sigh.

"Then yes."

"Taekw-"

"But it doesn't change how great of a person you are, or Hongbin is."

"Hyung."

"And there is no reason for you to be scared of upsetting me, it's not your fault that you don't love me, or you still love him. Please don't blame yourself."

"But you're crying."

"But it isn't because you treat me badly." 

Hiccup and tears. And it was harder to hear Taekwoon.

"I wish you would have done bad things to me, so i can have something to blame, to be angry at. But there isn't, and it's my own fault to love you, it's my own unluck that i'm not loved."

Sanghyuk tried to wrap his arms around Taekwoon, as the older was trembling violently without control, sniffing and trying his best to hide his cry. He tried to hug his dear hyung.

"But just because you're not loved, it doesn't mean you're not great."

It took Taekwoon almost an hour to be back to normal, and finally answered him with a pitiful chuckle.

"Because there is you, to remind me."

The part of 'it's my cooking that's great, isn't it' came out as a mere whisper since Taekwoon fell to sleep, with his crying-muddled head.

 

__________________________

 

Bottles of tranquiller.

 

"So they have come back to each other."

"Um hum."

"And he said sorry."

"Yes."

"And you're here shedding silent tears. Sounds nice."

"I would be lying If i say i have never wanted him to love him by helping him. But there, maybe can't be love out of pity. And just because one saves someone else's life doesn't mean one's more important than the one that is loved."

"Wow, very profound."

"I just, don't think i can have a reason to be angry, or to feel betrayed."

"Yeah he has never loved you to begin with."

"I don't want to chain him up by his, feeling of guilt. I helped him because I love him, not to force him to love me."

"Yeah, like who would love you. Okay i'm sorry, that's too much."

"No, it's not like you know how it feels like to be sensitive, anyway. I forgive you."

"You mean i don't know what being rejected feels like?"

"Yeah. You have a loveable face, mesmerizing voice and attractive personality. Who would reject you, and who would not come for you?"

"Only you."

"It's only because i already give my heart to another person."

"Gonna take it back?"

"It's not that easy."

"You talk too awfully much today, you know. No tranquilliser left?"

"Hyukkie has hidden them away."

 

_____________________________

 

Taekwoon knew he shouldn't say anything, as Sanghyuk had seen Hongbin kissing a new girl right near his apartment.

"Hyukkie, you should eat-"

"No."

"Hyukkie it's not-"

"I said no."

"Hyukkie, I know how you-"

"No! You don't know how it feels! To see your love going away and just find himself a new person!"

There was pain, there was sympathy, there was no unbroken pieces left in Taekwoon's eyes. 

"I do."

But the gaze was no longer up.

"I do."

Yet it penetrated Sanghyuk's lungs until he couldn't breathe, until he actually realized.

"Hyung, i'm sorry. I just-"

"It's fine. Y-You're just, out of control."

"I'm very sorry. I didn't think before speaking out loud-"

"Then.."

"What?"

"Then please don't skip your meal tonight, to make up for that."

"Only that?"

A nod.

"Really?"

"That, will do."

 

_____________________________

 

"Chocolate?"

A reluctant nod.

"For me?"

Taekwoon tried to hide his face away. But couldn't with the obvious blush.

"Th-Thank you, hyung. I guess? Oh! It's dinasour chocolate candy!"

"I-I think it fits you. Adorable."

"You too."

"Huh?"

"I mea-mean-thank you!"

"Oh, okay."

 

_____________________________

 

"Taekwoon hyung, you're drunk."

"Hyukkie-my lovely Hyukkie."

"Hyung, hold my hand."

"Hyukkie, you're so warm."

"Yes, and you need to go to bed."

"I love you, my Hyukkie."

"Y-yes."

"Wish you could love me once, Hyukkie ah."

There was a faint smile on his red face, his whole body was glowing with comfortable warmth and this addictive sweet scent, Sanghyuk wanted to let go of Taekwoon. But he didn't.

Taekwoon tried to hide his face again in the crook between the younger's neck and shoulder, with the mumbling 'you smell like home, Hyukkie'.

He was home, when Sanghyuk was with him.

Taekwoon fell to sleep, with the dream of his hands in his Hyukkie's, only to miss the younger's light kiss on his head.

 

A/N: once in a while i write crap to let it all out