I do not know exactly when I fell for him. Many nights, while lying in bed, I kept wondering what reasons had led me to this. Maybe it was because I admired him, admired his courage and bravery. Since birth, he had lived two lives and his soul was forced to live in two bodies. If it were me, I could never stand that. But he was holding up, ready to make his short time as a human the best possible and not let the winter bring him down. Jinyoung had no parents anymore, at least not his human parents. He had no relatives either; he was independent and was doing everything very well. Because he turns into a fox during the winter, he was never able to attend school and his parents had to pay for private tutoring during the summer, so he never had friends. If people found out the truth about him, he would probably be examined in a laboratory, exposed on television as a monster and people would look at him in fear. So he was always alone, but it never depressed him.

Many times, as I thought of him, I thanked destiny for bringing us together in such an unusual way. If my father had not been a hunter and shot him that day, while he was in his fox body, we would have never met. And he would have remained alone. I was grateful every day for the fact that he trusted me, the first person he had told his secret to. I felt special, like our friendship.

Our friendship. Which eventually became love to me, and I did not know how to tell him that. After all, I was in love with a guy who would turn into a fox within a few weeks, and who in the near future won't be human anymore. My heart ached so much that sometimes I thought this was punishment. But most of the time, I knew that having met him was a blessing, because he had been able to change many things in me for the better.

 

 

 

On an autumn night, we were both sitting at the back of my house, Jinyoung had both feet up on the couch and his knees were close to his face - that was his favorite position - and I was at his side, feeling sleepy. He was telling some of his fox stories, but I honestly could not listen. Not because they were not interesting, but because my brain kept repeating to myself how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with him. I put my head on his shoulder and I was expecting him to say something, but he did not. So we sat in silence for some time.

- Are you sleepy? - He asked gently - I think I should go home now.

- Stay - I said, holding onto his shirt.

He did not say anything, and we sat in silence again.

- It's getting cold - he said, finally.

- Do not remind me.

- I thought you loved the winter - he chuckled.

- Now I hate it.

- Wow, you like me this much?

Jinyoung said in jest, a slight laugh in every one of his words. For me, however, it was not funny.

- Yes - I said.

He was reflecting about what I said for a while and I felt my heart shaking in my chest.

- But it won't be that bad, you have all your other friends who will be with you during the winter and besides, you'll go to class, that's great.

I lifted my head and stared at him. He could not be serious.

- Do you think you're replaceable?

- I'll be back in the summer, you won't even miss me - he said, avoiding my question.

There were tears in my eyes and I felt even more stupid for it. He had no idea what I was going through.

- Yeah, I probably won't miss you. I don't look at the stupid calendar every day to count how many days are left til winter. I don't wake up every morning and look at the weather forecast to see when it will start getting cold. No, I do none of this, I don’t care about you.

Jinyoung looked at me with wide eyes as the words came out of my mouth without any control. Tears were rolling down my face and I felt like the dumbest person in the world.

- Sorry if you won't miss me, but I will. I'll miss you every day - I concluded.

- Dongwoo ... I didn't say I wasn't going to miss you. It's just that you know my situation, you know you can't get attached to me.

I chuckled humorlessly.

- Yeah, so why did you let me get attached to you?

- I didn't think you were going to like me this much.

- I know, you just wanted a friend for the summer, I got it - I got up and turned my back to him - You'd better go now.

Jinyoung remained silent and did not move. If he left without saying anything, maybe that would be our last conversation until next summer. I was wondering if I should look at him when I felt his hands around me. Jinyoung hugged me from behind and rested his head on my back. I forgot how to breathe.

- I don't like to hug people - he said.

- Then why are you hugging me?

- Because I like you a lot.

I turned and looked him in the eyes, I wasn't ashamed of showing him my tears anymore.

- And you're not just a friend for the summer. You know you mean a lot more to me than that. But I can't ask you to wait for me. I can't allow you to love a creature like me.

I wanted to punch him at that moment. I would wait for him even if he never asked me, and I didn't care that he wasn't a normal human. What I felt for him was much bigger than any of that.

Rationally, I knew it was crazy.

Irrationally, I put my hands on his face, surprising him. Before he could say anything, I brought my lips to his. I was waiting for a reaction that would make me stop, but it did not come. So I smiled slightly and did what I wanted to do.

I can say I had never felt what I felt that day, the intense way in which we kissed, as if this was the last moment of our lives. And maybe it was, maybe that was our first and last kiss. Jinyoung reciprocated my feelings, fully surrendered, which made me even happier. He ran his hand through my hair as he kissed me hard and our bodies were so close it was almost as if we were one.

I did not want to stop. I wanted him so much.

I pushed him lightly onto the couch and lay on top of him. I got rid of my shirt quickly and he got rid of his. I kissed his neck and dragged my hands down to his pants, when he suddenly stopped me. I looked at him, confused, wondering if I had done something wrong.

- We can't do that.

Jinyoung was looking at me with wide eyes, terrified. Then he got up, put his shirt and ran off without saying anything. I ran after him, confused.

- Jinyoung, wait - I reached out and held his arm - Don't go like that.

He did not look at me, was just staring at the floor and said nothing.

- I'm sorry, I went too fast.

- That's not it - his voice was weak - It's not really that. It's just that we can't be together.

- Why? Because you will go away during the winter? I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you no matter how long.

- And how can I go? - He raised his face and looked at me - How will I be able to say goodbye and leave?

Tears were rolling down his face now, so intense that I felt my heart break a little bit.

- Dongwoo, please... Please don't make me love you more than I already do now.

I knew what he meant by that, I knew that every day it would be harder to say goodbye. So I just approached and hugged him, his back gently as he cried on my shoulder.

I didn't sleep at all that night. A part of me was suffering in anticipation for our separation, and another part still felt his touch on my body. Why did it have to be so difficult? That is what I asked myself, constantly, knowing that there wasn't an answer.

 

 

 

It was 8 AM when I left my house and stood in front of his apartment. Last night I had found the answer he wanted and knew it was the right thing.

- Did you fall off the bed?

Jinyoung walked down the stairs of the building and came toward me. His face was pale and he had dark circles, probably hadn't slept right, and I could say the same.

- I just came to a conclusion and I wanted to share it with you - I said.

- What is it?

- I won't stop liking you if we stay away.

- Yeah, I know that - he smiled - It is impossible to resist me.

- As if - I rolled my eyes - Back to reality: running away won't solve anything. The damage is done.

Jinyoung smiled again and I noticed that some color was returning to his face.

- Yeah, the damage is done - he repeated, amused.

- We must enjoy our time together and create good memories.

- Is that why you have a camera? - He asked, pointing at the camera on my chest.

- Yes, I need something to remember you by when you're gone.

Jinyoung my shoulder lightly, and then smiled.

- Where are we going today?

For the next few days, Jinyoung and I did all kinds of cheesy couple things. We had a picnic, fed the pigeons at the park and ate ice cream at the ice cream shop by the lake. We also went to the movies and theater, taking as many photos as possible. At the end of each day, I had a huge amount of photos to print.

And it was funny that, like a punishment, it seemed as though we liked each other more and more. Spending my time with him was something precious and very entertaining. Jinyoung was much more than just the guy I liked, he was someone I could count on. He listened to my stories and my insecurities and gave me wise advice. And his little gestures, like smiling when the wind blew on his face, or walking with one foot behind the other over the curb like a child, made me admire him more and be thankful for the life I had.

But one by one, the dried leaves were falling from the trees. Each falling leaf was one less minute left for us. The weather forecast said that the cold air would start approaching us on the weekend, so we knew that those were our last moments.

We tried to battle the cold in every way we could. Jinyoung would wear far more layers than necessary for the current weather, and we tried to stay as long as possible inside my room with the heater on. We had told my parents that Jinyoung was sick, so he would have to spend a couple days in our house. And because of his fake cold, he had to wear extra layers of clothing to keep himself warm. Or at least, that was what they believed in.

My classes had started, so I had to spend most of the day alone in my room because my parents were working. I was trying to concentrate in class and hated myself for feeling that I could have been next to him at those moments instead. I always found him under the covers when I got home, in a desperate attempt not to get cold.

- What if we went to a place where it never gets cold? You never thought of that? - I suggested, as we watched a movie that night.

- My parents tried it once, doesn't work. Our body becomes highly sensitive, and so any cold transforms us. For example, the air conditioner at the mall, or even the wind of a fan.

- Really? - I felt my hopes leaving me.

- Yes, our body needs this transformation. Unfortunately there is no escape.

I pouted and he laughed. His laugh was so good and spontaneous that I even forgot our problems.

- I'll miss your gums - I said in regards to the fact that his gum always showed when he smiled.

- You'll miss very weird things - he was still laughing.

We stayed quiet for some time, so I approached him and lay down on his pillow. We were both sharing a pillow now, so close I could feel his breath.

- Jinyoung - I paused for a second and then asked what I wanted to know - When you turn into a fox, will you remember me?

- I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to.

- And will you also remember our memories?

- I'll remember everything.

- It's going to be hard - I took his hand and intertwined my fingers with his.

- But I'll get back to you next summer - he smiled and looked at me - don't you dare fall in love with anyone while I'm gone.

- No chance, I'm only attracted to foxes.

We both laughed and I leaned in and kissed him warmly. I slept holding him in my arms that night.



 

When I got home from my Saturday afternoon class, I found a note from my parents saying they had gone to visit my aunt, so I was happy because Jinyoung and I would have the house to ourselves. I climbed the stairs to my room humming, but my smile faded as soon as I opened the door. He was sitting on the bed, and his body was trembling. The temperature had fallen sharply in the past few hours, but it wasn't cold enough to tremble like that, while wearing 3 thick layer in front of the heater. My legs failed me when I tried to approach him.

- Jinyoung, what happened? Why are you trembling so much? - I asked, already knowing the answer.

He could not speak right, but in the midst of so many meaningless words, he told me that the time had come. I fell to my knees beside him, unable to say anything. I knew I couldn't be strong.

- I'm... sorry - he said, between shivers.

I hugged him tightly, trying my best not to cry in front of him. The last thing I could do was make it more difficult.

- It's all right, it's not your fault - I looked him in the eyes and gave a soft, forced smile - We knew this would happen.

Jinyoung looked at me with sad eyes and then I did what I had to do. I put him on my back and walked as quickly as possible to the outside. As soon as I stepped on the back lawn of my house, Jinyoung jumped off my back and ran towards the forest. The last glimpse I had of him as a human was when he turned and said "I'll be back, wait for me" and then disappeared through the trees.

I sat on the stairs nearby and covered my face with my hands. Tears were rolling down compulsively now and I couldn't remember ever having felt so miserable in my life. His last words were still echoing in my ears and I wondered why life had to be so cruel.

I lost track of how long I sat there crying alone, until I felt my arms trembling from the cold and realized that sitting there crying would not change anything, even though my wish was to stay there forever. I tilted my head back up and was startled to notice that a beautiful red fox was looking at me with sad eyes. I felt that my heart would stop at that moment.

- I'm sorry - I said, looking at him - I promised I wouldn't cry, I'm sorry.

Jinyoung cautiously approached me and pushed my hand with his snout. I put my hand on his head and him lightly. He closed his eyes and a smile escaped my lips.

- Your fur is soft, as expected.

I could imagine his facial expression then and I couldn't stop smiling even though the tears were still rolling down my face.

- I'll wait for you, okay? And I'll do everything right, don't worry about me.

As if in agreement with what I had said, he walked away into the forest. Before disappearing, he turned and looked at me again. His gaze was exactly the same.