10 years is a long time, enough to face my demons and visit this place for the second time. My therapist told me that the best and the only possible way to move on is try to fight my demons where they started.

I was uncertain at first. Leaving my home. Leaving my safety blanket, job and other responsibilities behind. Yes, I’m going there only for three days. One weekend… but even during this short period of time a lot of things can happen.

It is not like I’m leaving people behind… actually, after everything that happened to me back then, I only had one friend that stayed by my side.

Sometimes one friend is enough if that’s a true one. Im Yoona stayed by my side through tick and thin but she doesn’t know that I’m going to the lake again.

I doubt she would agree or even if so, she would probably go there with me, giving unnecessary distraction. It is not holidays, I’m not going there to have fun. I’m not going there for camping, fishing or roasting marshmallows. That’s what people do when they are young… or when they go with a bunch of friends and relatives.

In my case… I’m going there all by myself without much of an expectations, only with hope that after this… life might turn a little bit better.

My therapist told me “You need to change the place you’re staying at. Just for a short time. Few days if that’s all you can manage. The best way to move on from something is going back to the same place where everything started. Nothing comes easy in this life. If you believe that you’re truly ready, its now or never. Be brave enough to move on”.

I remember something that Yoong, my best friend, told me few years ago too. It didn’t have much influence to this exact moment but her words open my eyes back then… I wasn’t ready to change the way I deal with it, I kept doing things my way, but her words sting like a bee no matter how you think about it.

Till this day I can still recite her words in my head: “I’m trying to make you react. Show emotions. You have a lot of them. You keep them inside because it is safe. You want to see people around you happy and you forget about yourself. When someone smiles you do the same. When someone’s sad you’re reminded to be sad too. But you don’t do these emotions yourself. You don’t chose how to feel. If you have a good day… you’re full of energy, you want to see the world dancing, you run around, you don’t stop smiling even if that’s a fake smile, after all no one knows the difference… because that’s the only smile you have. You get used to it. You don’t know how else to smile. You don’t know how to smile when your cheeks hurt and your eyes scream happiness. You forgot all about that. When you have bad days… you lock yourself in. You ignore your feelings by ignoring other people. The things they might see in you. You play it safe. You wait until its over and then you reappear. As if nothing happened at all. You keep on like this… but the truth is… at some point you’re going to explode”.

For myself, for my best friend who still believes in me… I need to find myself for the second time.

I took only the necessary stuff, mostly food and clothes that I will need during this short journey. I didn’t wait another second knowing that if I consider it long enough, I might not leave my home. That happened about a year ago… I was already considering the opportunity of going there… but I decided to sleep on it. Next morning all my courage from the last night disappeared.

This influenced me to rush this time. I went through the door knowing that when I get back, everything might be different, that’s a false hope maybe… but you know what they say about hope… if you’re foolish enough you might just make it.

I drove back to the lake with my own car, leaving it next to two more that stood in parking spot. You can’t drive your car next to the cottage so I had to carry stuff on my own. Now I’m glad that I hadn’t taken more stuff with myself.

This lake… and this place was always somewhat different… Through the years people came there because they wanted to get lost and hide from the rest of the world. I’m not exception… I did that ten years ago…I’m repeating it now.

There are no people running around you and asking if they can help you with your luggage or asking if you’re going to eat breakfast, if you need a wake up call in the morning. When you reach this place… you’re disconnected from the rest of the world. You might as well lose yourself and never come back. That’s how addictive it can be.

I know that there are few more people in this place because of cars but if I will see any of them… is a big question. Somehow people here rarely meet up. I remember it being more popular tourist place back in the day… overcrowded parking space and empty shore… even cottages are far away from each other…

If you were a criminal and wanted to escape law… I’m pretty sure you could just hide near the lake for the rest of your life. Police wouldn’t consider searching here… even if they do… there’s 10% chance of them actually finding you.

The sad reality is… you can’t find people that you’re earning for in here either. If you let them out of your sight… that how it ends. I know it might have changed after so many years… but some