Part 8: Uncounted

When the door was closed behind, the cold air welcomed her with an unfriendly greeting. Clutching her chest, she felt even breathing was hurting her. Her feet were shaking, and it wasn’t certain whether it was from the cold or from the painful pangs on her chest. Clearly, she knew she wasn’t a kid anymore, and she’s a very capable actress, but even so, this whole pain was beyond her strength.

As she walked farther and faster, the look of true pain painted on his eyes was getting even more vivid. She remembered, tears falling down his cheeks while his voice cracked in heartbreaking shout, showing her how real what he felt was. And then, she also remembered how cold his skin was, it seemed like even the weather craved to torture him. Surely, she couldn’t completely feel what he felt, but she knew it was deep and tearing him apart.

Then, why you’re leaving?

Her motion was stopped as the question crawled into her consciousness. The strength on her feet suddenly dropped as her sob broke again. Falling down, she hugged her knees so tight, so strong, trying to remain composed.

Why you’re leaving?

It’s repeated, breaking her heart and slowly torturing her. She buried down her face under her folded arms, hiding her tears from the world, from the awakening realization that’s demanding her reply.

You said yourself you’re missing him, isn’t seeing him always what you want? Then why you’re here, crying pitifully and betraying your own feeling?

Breathe, she needed to breathe, the oxygen seemed like playing on her lung, it’s getting more difficult to inhale and exhale as the questions kept coming and hitting her hard. The picture of him crying lingered long inside her head, showing her what mess he’d been bearing for how long she failed to understand. It looked even more real than when she stood trembling in front of him. His red eyes, his tensed jaw, his dry lips, every single part of him spoke of real pain…

And you left him, there, bearing everything all by himself.

Breathe, lifting her chin up, she breathed deep within the cold air until her voice cracked in breaking sob. There was no chance she could take care of her falling tears, it kept wetting her cheeks, her neck, her arm, it’s getting even more suffocating that she wished she could run far away.

She thought it’s better to stop everything before it’s started again. That’s probably why she left him there, alone and vulnerable. She thought it’s fine to be hurt earlier than gaining the bigger one later.  She thought the pain would subdue and fade gone soon. But she had no experience seeing him cry, and what left right now was truly devastating as if she tore open her chest by her own hand.

And there you still name his laughter as your always favorite picture of him?

Right, that’s right, like every time he greeted her. There was that particular smile that would shape his eyes onto crescent moon-like, which was so lovely and flattering. The voice of his laughter was also special, whenever she heard it, even with closed eyes she could tell the overwhelming feeling he had for her. He would then take her into his warm embrace, as if he wanted to lock her there forever. And then she could hear his fast heartbeat, which always let the butterflies inside her body having such giddy celebration.

Do you think he will have that kind of laughter again?

“I don’t … know …”

“What?” asked her friend on her phone, she sounded confused, “Eunji-ya, where are you? Are you crying?”

“I don’t … know Bbom …” Eunji tried to speak but her voice just kept cracking, and her tears kept wetting her phone, “he’s hurt … sunbae is hurt … he didn’t do that, everything, it wasn’t true, Bbom … What should … I do?”

“Jung Eunji! What you’re talking about?! Don’t tell me you’re with him right now! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE–

“Bbom … please tell me … tell me it’s fine … everything will be f-fine–

“GO BACK HOME RIGHT NOW! LISTEN TO ME–

“Tell me … please. Tell me … it’s fine to go for him … he needs me … I–

“YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! THE HELL IS HAPPENING?! GO HOME–

“I can’t …

“YA!”

“I love him … I love him so much,” she pronounced, more for herself. She needed to gain her consciousness back; to realize what she wanted; and what’s best for her.

Right then, she stood up, ditching the remaining shout of her best friend on her phone. Her breathing hadn’t returned to its normal rhythm, nor the sobbing had stopped, but she kept walking, striding towards the long path she left before.

Standing in front of the familiar door, her hand, again, moved on its own, opening it without much difficulty. Her mind was on one mission, and it’s him. No more theory, no more reasoning.

He was still there, exactly where she left him before. And still crying, she could tell although half of his face was covered by his hand. Marching to him, Eunji slid her arms around his waist. She closed her eyes as her head leaned on his chest, greeting his heartbeat after so long. It’s so longing and dizzying, all the feeling. She breathed his scent deep as much as she could while tightening her hold.

***

When the familiar warmth tried to pull his sense back, he barely grasped what he’s encountering. His hand dropped from his face, and the moment his eyes captured her figure holding tight onto his body, it felt as if time stopped and so did everything. He wondered if he was even breathing. It didn’t seem real. A new delusion, he thought. Maybe it’s true that his head was damaged by this ty pain. But he felt her hand, her trembling hand, gripping tight onto his t-shirt on his back. It’s truly dream-like, this feeling, this touch.

Shaking and so tiny she was. He felt his chest getting wet, she’s crying, it seemed like. Was he hurting her, again? He had let her leave, he didn’t want her to cry more. But here, he could hear the way she held her cry, and it didn’t appear easy. Was there a new pain hurting her? What it was? Why? What was this, even?

Strange, there was so much strength she put on her grip, as if she’s trying to keep him secured from something he’s not certain. It’s nice, from the way it looked. But it’s all an as-if, a maybe, which still felt like a dream.

Maybe it’s a dream, indeed.

Still clear in his memory how she cried, how she yelled and trembled at the same time, and fear was on her eyes. He was now someone she’s scared of. She hated him, this statement was legit just awhile ago, but what was this? Why she’s here then? Hugging him, and crying for reason which he wished was him, which he wished was… real.

Ah, am I finally out of mind?

He wondered, doubtfully. Maybe he’s turning crazy indeed. Maybe the pain was too much for his mind to settle, and it’s completely damaged. Was he getting drunk by his own tears and scream? Was this the end of his composure?

­***

It took longer than she thought to feel his motion. Surely he wasn’t expecting this, her return. He was frozen, still. And she’s getting even more scared. Maybe he hated her now, maybe he’s even angrier now, maybe he didn’t want her now.

No.

She tightened her hold instead, shoving off the doubt out of her head. It wasn’t, she told herself. She felt his muscles tensed