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Part 3: One Destination

Sitting on the reading space next to her window, Jung Eunji paused for breathing deeply. It was warm, her room, which supposed to be the best for winter, but strange enough to lure her need for coldness. It’s December already, was it? Inhaling, she closed her eyes along with the lingering feeling of December, in which their story began, in which such familiar warmth clung strong onto her memory, in which she learnt a gaze, a smile, a laughter of him was her favorite routine. It was on December, and it came again, which now with a new feeling, and it spelt empty.

She drew her gaze onto the window. The view outside her apartment never changed, it’s still rows of apartment building, shielding her eyes from any excitement of winter. It was probably cold, but she believed it’s way better than being trapped here, inside her own dungeon.

How long was it? She didn’t count, but she’s sure her friends knew the answer. She’s too busy busying herself, she needed to, distracting herself as much as she could. However, she certainly knew she’s betraying herself right now. She shouldn’t stay still here, doing nothing but mutely watching the sight from her favorite spot. Staying would only draw her back to that feeling, and it would drag her to do things she shouldn’t do.

And right. She’s intrigued, and no one could save her from her own self. Gazing down, she looked for her phone and it lay still next to her hand, always there, ready to get picked up. Inviting yet mocking at the same time.

Pick me, don’t hesitate, that’s what you always want, right?

If her phone could speak, it probably was teasing her right now. And just as easy as she’s always been, she took it. Her hand was a bit trembling, maybe putting its last effort to stop her, but to its lost, it wasn’t strong enough to bring her mind back. Her finger, as if taking control of its own motion, pressed certain numbers she could never forget. And soon, without much thinking, she leaned her phone onto her left ear. She waited between such racing heartbeat. And sad enough, she again met that voice, the same lady that told her he was out of reach.

She knew it would be like that, but to tell the truth, it’s actually better than getting connected. No, they shouldn’t. But then, she couldn’t deny the sadness that came along with the instruction to leave a message. Normally she would cut the connection but maybe because it’s December already, and December brought certain images along; like his gaze, his smile, his laughter and it easily took all her focus, trapping her muted even after the beep sound.

One second, two seconds, three seconds. And she breathed, painfully, longingly, like a true stupid. She closed her eyes while her hand tightened the hold of the phone, wishing it remained silence.

“For god’s sake, when will you stop, Ji?!”

A sudden interruption had made her drop her phone, falling to the floor on its screen and the connection was cut automatically. Jerking from her seat, Jung Eunji looked up, wasn’t expecting a visitor. Clear on her face, how startled she was. She thought she was being careful, but maybe it wasn’t her lucky day.

The look in front of her, though, wasn’t friendly, just like every time she caught her doing things she hated the most. She was a best friend of her, the one that always stayed next to her. Eunji loved her, and she knew her friend loved her the same way. But it’s just getting frustrating, the bad habit Eunji possessed since last year, which this certain best friend strongly opposed.

“W-when you come, Bbom?” a bit stuttering, Eunji picked up her phone, trying to erase the phone history.

“Cut it, Ji.” Yoon Bomi dropped her bag, and grabbed her phone before Eunji finished her attempt, “I asked, when will you stop?!” Eunji could tell her friend was upset already, and by now, Bomi had a proof of her sin. She couldn’t do anything but sighing.

Throwing her attention back to the window, she tried to calm herself. “You know I’m trying,” her voice was too weak, Bomi wouldn’t buy it.

Heaving a weigh breath, Bomi was certainly unpleasant to find her best friend calling him again when she knew she’ll get nothing, “I cannot believe it.” she glanced angrily to her friend but she’s too busy composing herself over the view outside the window. Bomi, though, determined to get things straight.

She would not get tired over this, she believed it’s her duty as a best friend. Eunji needed to get her mind straight, she needed to wake up from this all stupidity she kept repeating over the year. It’s not healthy, what she had been doing, she might say she’s trying but it’s just her mind the main problem was. It just didn’t stop, confusing her friend and pushing her to do things she should never do.

“He left. Remind yourself, Ji!”

“I know,” again, her voice was too weak. Sighing, she pulled her knees over her chest and hugged it, wishing it would give her strength. Leaning on the window wall, she still refused to see the upset look on her best friend’s face. She knew Bomi was disappointed.

“No, you don’t know.” she now threw herself on Eunji’s bed, about five feet away from the window frame. “Kwon Jiyong is not only a complete , but also a coward. He leaves and hides, that’s just perfect.”

It wasn’t pleasant, the way Bomi addressed him, and there was this pang that would hit Eunji’s chest whenever she heard it. Not only Bomi had said this repetitively, but also her members, her managers, her friends, apparently everyone who knew about their relationship. They blamed him, despised him and he deserved it.

Eunji hated him, for everything he did to her, that’s true. It was hurting, even until now, but strangely she still couldn’t fight back the stupid longing she always felt. It’s bad, she knew, and she had to stop it, she also knew, but it’s just hard. She tried many times. She worked extra hours, everyone knew how she punished herself. During this year, she had her second solo album, did a drama, even took a movie, she went out, traveled abroad, she did everything she could just to put her tiny feeling remained quiet.

But then again, there was always time when it returned, visiting her without invitation. Like today. Clearly, Jung Eunji knew she shouldn’t do nothing, because it would only bring the feeling back, giving it a reason to mess her  mind, to play with her heartbeat, to screw her. She didn’t remember when the first was, but since she knew his number was off, she started having this habit. She would call him, knowing it gave her nothing.

It was better like that, she knew. Certainly, she didn’t want to talk to him again, no, she wouldn’t allow that. But then, there was a small disappointment that followed the pointless call, and she couldn’t deny that feeling.

Sometimes, she strongly reminded herself to stop doing this stupid stuff. She deserved something better. It would only put her in misery and she didn’t want it. No, never. But why, why it was so hard, she wondered most of the time.

“I will never forgive him,” Bomi’s voice dragged her back to the room, reminding her that she still had to face the disappointment on her friend’s eyes. “What G-Dragon had done to you is just low, Ji. When will you realize this and stop. He doesn’t deserve your attention, even just small. It will only give him reason to celebrate his victory and-

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