"Cause we've got no time for getting old / mortal body; timeless souls / cross your fingers here we go / and when the lights start flashing like a photobooth / and the star exploding, we'll be fireproof." - youth, troye sivan.

PAST

She looked at the clock for the nth time that night, few minutes until 11 and Nayoung still wasn't home. Her gaze landed on the phone by the wall, broken beyond repair. Anger filled her again as she remembered the last text she received. She felt herself twitching and wanting to destroy something and desperately craved Nayoung’s calming hugs.

Where the was she? She never even told her where she was going when she walked out the door this morning.

Her feet took her around the apartment, then around again, and then another round. Frustration and worry ate her up from the insides and she decided to wait up for Nayoung in her room.

As she lied there, staring at the ceiling, she wondered when her life became so ed up. She hugged the pillow Nayoung gave her to hug when lonely, it was filled with her scent. She imagined it was Nayoung and drifted off to sleep.

-

"Sejeong. Hey, Sejeong."

She rolled over on her bed, groaning. Blindly, she looked for her iPad and tried not to burn her eyes while staring at the time; 1:56. Who the hell was calling her? She sat up and looked around, only to find no one.

, she thought, Suhyun's right. There's a ghost in this apartment. We should’ve listened to her.

"Sejeong, I'm out here."

With half a frightened heart, she grabbed her lamp. She almost grabbed the pencil in her drawer too, but remembered that Sohye never finished teaching her how to kill with it. Not like she'd have to kill anyone anyway. Ghosts couldn't be killed, right?

She walked out, lamp in front of her in defense mode.

"Why the are you holding a lamp?"

Her head whipped and her gaze landed on the window by the fire exit; she groaned. Nayoung.

She opened the window and cold air flowed in. She stared at Nayoung's flushed face and goofy grin and... was that beer she could smell?

"You're drunk."

Nayoung shook her head repeatedly, then swayed backward. Sejeong quickly grabbed the first thing she could grab, the hoops on Nayoung's pants. "I am not drunk. Why would I be drunk? I didn't even drink. Maybe you're drunk and you're just putting the blame on me. I mean, you're the one who came out the room holding a lamp like you're preparing for battle, not me."

Sejeong opened to retort but Nayoung quickly slapped a hand over it before leaning closer, Sejeong's fingers still looped in the belt hoops of her ripped jeans. "You has the rights to remains silences, m'lady."

She pulled Nayoung's hand off with a scowl and kepts them in her hand. "How much did you drink?"

"I told you I didn't drink! But, well, hypothetically speaking, I drank only three bottles of beer," she whispered as if telling a secret and freed her hands from Sejeong’s to hold up seven fingers. "Just three. But that's only hypothetically speaking. Like, if ever I did drink, which I obviously did not."

"You're definitely drunk. Come in so we can sleep."

"Noooo. No, no, no, no. Heehyun's party isn't over yet."

"Party for what?"

Nayoung stared at her like she the most stupid person she ever met - the usual way she looked at Suhyun. Sejeong tried to remember all anniversaries, birthdays, and made up special days.

(Or 'Underrated Holidays' as Eunwoo liked to call them. The whole group always skipped a whole day of classes when it's days like those; except, of course, exam days. Sejeong started to think her friends were the reasons why she always almost failed her classes. But it wasn't the time for regretting every decision.)

Nayoung’s grin grew wider. "It's Heehyun's birthday celebration!"

Sejeong glared at her. "Heehyun's birthday was a week ago. You really are drunk."

Nayoung crossed her arms haughtily. "Correction: it was six days ago. Just because you didn't take Ki Heehyun 101: How to Deal with an , doesn’t mean you have the right to accuse me of things that have absolutely no proof."

"Your breath is enough proof."

"Rude." Nayoung scowled. "Anyway, Heehyun doesn't have a 'birthday' per se, it's a birth week. She got that idea from the annoying older sister in Victorious. And since she such a blessing-" she waved her arms around and Sejeong pulled her closer by the hips, afraid she might plummet down five stories; she didn't like the idea of cleaning the blood, "-to the world, it's only right that we spend an entire week for her. Every sixth night after her birthday we celebrate the end of her birth week."

"And you're inviting me?" Nayoung nodded happily. "Heehyun hates me."

"She does not." She flicked her wrist dismissively. "She likes you more than Suhyun and Eunwoo combined."

"Really? Then why is it that this is the third year we're friends but the first time you invited me?"

"You always had those stupid, boring charity events to go to the next day."

Sejeong scoffed before sending Nayoung a blank stare. "Heehyun once covered my whole room with toilet paper."

Nayoung placed the heels of her palms against Sejeong's shoulder blades, leaning closer. "Forgive my friend. She was born with that disability. She never knows how to express affection. She used to rip the pages of Im's favorite books, dump them in the toilet, and flush them awaaaay." Then she took Sejeong's hands and pulled her outside. "Let's go, they won't be waiting for us that long."

"Can't we just go through the front door?" Sejeong grumbled. It was a good thing she decided to wait for Nayoung in thick pajama pants, but her ratty shirt was too thin to protect her against the harsh winds. "It's too cold; I need to get a jacket inside."

"Now where's the fun in walking out the front door?" The older winked clumsily. Then she hurriedly took off her thick sweater, revealing a thin shirt underneath. "There. I've got enough body heat to melt all of North Pole anyway."

Sejeong took it without any hesitation; this was Nayoung’s idea anyway. They walked down the steps of the fire exit, but since the last two stories only had a ladder, they had to climb down then jump at least two meters to the ground.

Nayoung was first to reach the ground and she held up her arms, waiting for Sejeong. The latter jumped into her arms and expected Nayoung to put her down immediately - she didn't even as she swayed. "Just so you know, I like you more than all four of those idiots combined. I like you more than all the people who existed, exists, and will exist in this world - combined." Then she let her stand and smiled warmly.

Sejeong felt the world spinning even though it wasn't her who was drunk in the pair. She felt her breath robbed off her lung by how Nayoung was looking at her. She felt her heart thrashing against her ribcage, begging to escape and jump into Nayoung's arms.

She felt herself falling deeper, but forced herself not to dwell on it. It would pass. It was just the state of her mind playing tricks on her; just the atmosphere trying to deceive her. It was most certainly not really happening.

She' would get over this in the morning, when she was bright and thinking straight.

(She never did.)

-

Nayoung brought her to the corner of their university campus. There, Heehyun was standing in front of a barbeque grill; Im Nayoung was the one actually barbequing as the older whined; Chaeyeon was sitting beside her; and Eunwoo, Suhyun, and Haein were having a drinking game.

Sejeong passed by Chaeyeon first, patting her tummy softly. “Hello there, Dani."

Chaeyeon gave her a smile. "Hey Sejeong. Sorry we didn't invite you earlier. None of us can reach your phone."

"Oh, right. Sorry about that. I, um, kinda threw it at a wall."

"Is it Joonyoung again?" Chaeyeon asked, face hardening and eyes slowly turning angry.

Sejeong nodded. "He, well, he wants to be with me again."

"Sejeong, you're smart. Please, you know what you should do."

"I do. Thanks, Chae." She sat down beside Nayoung, automatically resting her head on the latter’s shoulder. “What are you playing?”

“Drinking game! Every time someone does something they always do, everyone drinks,” Eunwoo explained, then pointed at Suhyun. “Suhyun always crinkles her nose while laughing, and Chaeyeon always rolls her eyes.”

“Chaeyeon’s not allowed to drink.”

“She isn’t. But she’s still partly part of the game. She just doesn’t drink.”

Haein leaned forward and Sejeong smelled the alcohol mixed with her breath. “She’s using it against us, that little . She rolls her eyes every five seconds.”

“Isn’t that what she always does anyway?” Nayoung shrugged, evoking another eye roll from Chaeyeon.

Everyone groaned. Eunwoo filled all the glasses with rum and everyone reached forward, clinking their glasses together before downing it.

They continued playing until Sejeong felt her head spinning from laughing too much. A plate of grilled beef and pork was placed in the middle and Im and Heehyun joined the circle.

“Let’s play a pathetic drinking game,” Haein suggested, eyes glassy but voice still somewhat steady. “Whoever has the least miserable life will drink a shot. We’re going around in circles trying to one up each other.”

Sejeong shrugged, her life was miserable anyway, she obviously wouldn’t lose. “Sure.”

“I’ll start,” Eunwoo said, lips smiling but eyes sad. “I have no chance of becoming a singer. I have tried everything I can try, even went on auditions and those stupid contests, but I lose, every time. I’m a failure.”

A hand patted her shoulder, and a smile sent her way. Then Suhyun spoke, “Well, at least you have talent. I can’t even sing. I’ll probably just build a business of my own because I’m so untalented.”

Haein immediately spoke, “My mother wants me to move out permanently because she doesn’t see a future in me.”

“I’m majoring in Physics and about to go to med school, I think I’m the one suffering the most,” Im told them with a small smile. It still amazed Sejeong how Im could be the one who could lift the mood despite being expressionless most of the time.

“Um, I clearly win this pathetic game because there’s a breathing human being in my stomach and I’m younger than all of you except Eunwoo,” Chaeyeon said. They all looked up at her face, the misery painted so beautifully on it.

Heehyun sat up straighter. “My mother disowned me.”

Sejeong felt Nayoung’s shoulders droop. “She did?”

“Yeah.” Heehyun nodded, eyes glazed with the alcohol and emotions surging through her veins. “She just... doesn’t like my life choices,” she muttered, her hands kept on playing with Chaeyeon’s fingers but her eyes were anywhere but on the girl.

“Why are we even doing this?” Sejeong asked, voice small. She shook her head. “Are we trying to make fun of our problems?” The others chuckled, dry and humorless. She looked up at Nayoung whose eyes were on the city below the cliff. “Well, my turn. For starters my ex boyfriend’s an abusive bastard, and he wants to get back together with me.” She felt Nayoung stiffen under her weight, her eyes begin to water. “Also, my mother is very sick and in dire need of medication, but we have no money. And-”

“Stop,” Nayoung interrupted, pushing Sejeong’s head off her shoulder. She leaned forward and poured herself a drink and downed it in one go. “Alright, next game.”

Suhyun frowned. “That’s not how this game works.”

“I don’t care how this game should work,” Nayoung snapped, glaring at Suhyun. “It’s obvious this is disturbing all of you. Let’s stop torturing ourselves, shall we?”

“It’s so easy for you to say that because you’re not actually miserable like us. Your mother owns one of the bigger entertainment companies in the country, your father was a famous singer back then, and you’re their cute little ball of fluff. You don’t have anything to be miserable about.”

Eunwoo looked up, mouth opening to say something but closing again after a quick glance at Nayoung. Im leaned back on her palms and stared at them blankly, but Sejeong could see the war waging beneath her eyes – to say or not to say. She felt a pang of hurt as she realized that despite having this group with all eight of them, there were some things the five childhood friends would always keep to themselves. Heehyun and Suhyun kept doing their own things but the tension was thick on the surface.

Nayoung sent Haein a glare. But it immediately softened. “Yeah, maybe I’m not. But maybe that’s also the reason why I never want my friends to be miserable, because I want them to feel the same way I apparently do.”

Haein shrunk back, eyes apologetic. All of them caught the ‘apparently’ and looked at Nayoung with sad eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

They were engulfed in silence, and Sejeong wondered why her friends have to be so miserable, so miserable they were making a contest out of it. But then she laughed and the others stared at her. “I just can’t believe we had a competition over who’s more miserable. We’re all miserable.”

The others chuckled at this, then Suhyun laughed a little louder than the others, making them laugh louder.

“Let’s play another game,” Eunwoo suggested, hand raised. “I want to play tag.” She shoved Suhyun to the ground with a mischievous smirk. “You’re it.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, everyone but Chaeyeon scampered from their seats and ran away from Suhyun, who grumbled and cursed under her breath.

Suhyun glared at Chaeyeon. “I can’t believe you placed that fetus in your tummy so you can get out of games like these.” Chaeyeon just smiled back. Then Suhyun ran after Heehyun who tripped over her shoelace and rolled down the hill with a laugh as Suhyun stared after her, contemplating whether she should follow her or not.

She didn’t. She spotted Eunwoo near and ran after her instead. Sejeong grinned.

This was her family, full of broken people who were broken so they can complete each other. Full of worries and miseries yet still laughing loudly every time they were together; drinking cheap bottles of wine and horrible beer. This was her family.

A hand grabbed her and she saw brown eyes so mesmerizing it was more intoxicating than the alcohol in her system. She was pulled to behind a tall tree and they laughed silently to themselves, peeking over the tree to see Haein throwing her shoes at Suhyun to stop her from coming near.

As the eyes captured hers again, she smiled. This was her family, and she would fight heaven and hell to keep it with her.